Are they friends or jealous of me

[Maudacious]

AIBU to be upset that a couple of my so called friends don't respond when I ask for feedback on my work (designs that take about 1 minute of their time to look at). I give them lots of listening time and prop them up when they're down without fail but i'm now beginning to think they might be jealous of me. I'm less inclined to respond to their feedback requests as a result but am struggling with why some women can't be happy for their friends successes and why they like to try and put dampners on.

YOU might find it easier to look at people’s work and give feedback than to listen to people’s personal problems, but many of us don’t!

Sending the friend/acquaintance who’d asked why you’d been busy a link to the video you’d made was inappropriate and you were U to expect any response!

So, you didn’t specifically ask them for feedback, yet are very annoyed, to the point you have taken the word of peole who know nothing about them saying they are disinterested and bored by your stuff and have no decided to not invite them to a thing you have going on?

Were you going to originally invite them?

If you didn’t ask for feedback then you are unreasonable to be annoyed that they didn’t give you feedback.

Why do you think they might be jealous of you?

Btw...sometimes when I’m texting someone I can get distracted from the text conversation and then forget to go back to it. It is rarely (never!) about the person I’m texting and more about whatever is going on. It sometimes happens that other friends don’t reply. I assume they’ve gotten called away.

It’s unlikely to be about you. Why not text them and ask them what they think of your piece? Or, if you don’t want to ask for feedback why not just text and ask how they are and what they’ve been up to?

If you don’t like them and think they are ‘frenemies’ then move on.

I really can’t understand this quick assumption so many people on this forum seem to have that others must be jealous of them. There are lots of big egos on here!

So to be clear you're saying that if your friend asked you what you'd been up to it's only acceptable to answer in text form (which I did) and that to send any further link is bad etiquette?
Not so much bad etiquette but it's certainly more forward and pushing specific projects etc, just like sending things across because of a shared interest seems pushy.

To me there's a discussion about life and then there's "and now look at this video / performance/art portfolio etc I've been doing" with the background expectation (which there clearly is) of them providing feedback.

It would be the equivalent of me sending a copy of my PowerPoints or lesson resources when a friend asks why I've been busy lately, or me assuming that because I do music and so does a friend they must want me to share recordings of my performances with them.

If I'm messaging friends then it's generally chit chat, not any of us sending over projects we are working on in expectation of feedback and praise.

Your whole approach to your work seems like you expect other people to be as interested as you are to the point where you expect them to give unsolicited feedback on things you've sent them. Based on the overall impression I get on here (which is obviously only a snapshot), I can imagine how that sort of attitude could filter into conversation and interaction offline and that you may be a bit more forward about your stuff than you realise.

They probably can’t be bothered! I know if someone asked me - I would be a bit miffed - and wouldn’t provide it

How long ago did you send the video? If it’s a clip of a film they might not have had a chance to watch it. It might only be a few minutes long but if you’ve got kids it can be hard to find a properly quiet 10 minutes to watch a video, process the video and then compose a constructive reply.

This sort of thing could also make some people quite anxious, especially if they feel like film isn’t really their area. Trying to critique a short film would probably make me feel very uncultured and clueless, trying to unpick the themes and I’d probably feel overwhelmed and out of my depth and just ignore the message. It might not be jealousy but rather admiration mixed with self-doubt about saying the wrong thing. I guess a brief ‘oh, you’ve done a great job, well done’ would have been better than no response but sometimes the pressure of not knowing what to say means people end up not saying anything at all.

Definitely jealous of you OP. It's the ONLY explanation. Now post the link to your video for some free publicity so we can all give you feedback

The context actually provides an additional possibility. If you randomly sent me a link to a short film during a conversation, I'd assume it was a mistake and politely ignore it. Short film festivals are fun, but presumably they go to that stuff if they enjoy it and might not want to be obliged to have the night out for 4 little vanity pieces, so be careful to keep it light "only if you really fancy it" if you do invite them. I still think you should step away and find new friends though, your attitude towards these women is very bad.

Op in the nicest possible way I think you need new friends. You don’t seem to respect that the chances are, they don’t share your interests. You’ve talked about not inviting them to your screening like it’s a punishment - if they are not interested they won’t see it that way.

Try instead getting feedback from the other independent filmmakers you are collaborating with instead.

Honestly of the roles had been reversed and your friends said they were busy and sent you say a screenshot of their menu plan for the week- would your response be to give them “feedback”?

But did you specifically ask them for feedback on your video? If someone sent me something, I wouldn’t offer feedback unless I knew it was still a work in progress. Nothing worse than offering a constructive critique you think someone to discover that for them the piece of work is finished, and all they want is admiration.

OP, please could you explain why your thought was that they might be jealous of you! Several people have asked.

I have a successful professional job. If a friend was avoiding giving me feedback about something, my first (or even tenth) thought would not be that she was jealous ...

@bluegreygreen - sure I'll try and answer your question although I think I have covered it..... Have you ever been excited about something little - like a new pair of jeans, hairdo, your kids latest artwork? Have you ever shared that excitement with a friend only for their reaction/stoney expression/non response to suck all the excitement and joy out of that thing? If this has happened to you then have you ever wondered why it might be so difficult for them to be happy for you - for one tiny second. For me my friends success's or anything that makes them happy is something to be celebrated. It takes much less energy to say something than to ignore it. So my reasoning to come back to your question about why i wondered if they were jealous was because in my experience jealous people struggle to be happy for other people. From what I have seen this kind of non-response is a classic manifestation of jealousy. non-response is however as many people have pointed out also a sign of no-interest or worse a signal of being pushy. I really hope this helps to answer the question of why jealousy sprung to mind. There's obviously other observations but essentially my wonderings came about from the feeling that i'm happy to respond to their sharing of personal excitement but they're not. One person earlier (I can't be bothered to go back and look) made a 'witty' comment about there not being anything to be jealous of. She clearly doesn't understand how jealousy works. Jealous people get jealous of everything and anything. You're either a jealous type or not. I find jealousy fascinating, particularly when its hard to discern and when the recipient can feel that something is not right but can't put their finger on it. Perhaps their non-response is a mixture of hating what i've sent, hating that I've sent it and a bit of jealousy. Who knows?! I don't think having it in the mix of options is that far fetched. Worrying someone is jealous of you isn't about thinking you've got something great going on in your life its about fear. Its about concerns about friendship choices. The quick answer to your question about why i veered towards jealousy is that non-responses which appear inconsistent can be a sign of jealousy. I hope my answer helps!

OP, you didn't answer my question -- did you specifically ask them for feedback? As I said above, it can be very embarrassing to offer an honest critique of a piece of work that you think the person has invited, only to discover that the person just wanted it to be admired, and considered it finished.

Your OP suggests you wanted constructive feedback on a piece of work you'd made, but your most recent post suggests you just wanted them to admire it the way they would admire a new haircut or jeans. Which is it?

@butterybiscuitbasic - we often share our menu plans, send photos of meals we've cooked and get excited about lots of things. And thanks but I don't need professional advice - unlike some people on the thread I'm not going to start shoving my job title/spec around. My OP was about friendship and enjoying when friends are excited and why some struggle and flatten excitement. Your other advice about needing new friends actually shows that you are maybe you let go of people too easily. One thing this thread (my first ever and probably last tbh!) has shown me is that I'm better off talking to them about it!

@poignet - i wanted them to act like they normally do (and what I normally do when sent a message) - i.e. respond

But that's an entirely different thing to 'asking for feedback on my work', which is what you said in your OP. If your messages are equally mixed with your friends, they may not know whether they're supposed to be your focus group or your cheerleaders, whether you're actually looking for an honest critique of a design or someone to say 'Cute!'

@poignet I'm not going to dictate the exact response someone should give - I'm simply saying that no response is what i'm curious about.

But what I'm saying, OP, is that if they're confused about what response you're seeking, it may explain why they didn't respond. I'm a writer and a friend sent me the blurb for her new book last week, and because she explicitly asked, because I knew it was a work in progress, and because we have that kind of relationship anyway, I sent it back with suggested rephrasings, additions etc.

But if I had been unsure about whether she wanted a critique/some editorial input from me or whether she considered the blurb finished and just wanted me to say it looked great, I might not have said anything in reply, or at least not immediately, because I wouldn't want to upset her.

@poignet I get your point here and its probably the most valuable comment so far. I should have written the OP post differently. Me sending unclear messages is very much at the heart of the issue and thank you for driving that home. Re:whether i want them to be my focus group,cheerleaders,honest citique or just say cute as you say - a bit of shared excitement that's all. So if i had to choose from your list I would, for these two friends be looking for a 'cute, good work' type comment. From my industry contacts I would be expecting comments about editing/scripting/structure/screenings etc.

I have to say that whenever some rare person has said I must be jealous of them, It just makes me laugh. I have never been the jealous type or made jealous comments and are over the moon for my friends' successes. It makes me think that person isn't really interested in me or they would know, one ass less.

Oh dear OP. Im pretty sure the responses on there are not what you would have liked.

Are your friends jealous of you? Im not sure, no indication of why they would be either, they are not in the same career as you, they are not your competitors. Do you earn millions or something? Perhaps this is why you seem to think they are jealous? If they are SAHMs, my bet is, they really have no time to laud over your lovely work.

They are your friends, not a random group of people you poll. Its because they are your friends that negative feedback might be harder. Or maybe they havent got a bloody clue of how to give your constructive critism on something they no nothing about.

The comment about you maybe not inviting them to whetever show with three directors just makes you sound silly - its such a passive aggresive move on your part - threatening to not invite them to what you think will be a cool/glamourous night to punish them for not reviewing/goiving feedback for your work? Take then hint - they are not that interested in your work.

I have a friend, he is a film/tv director and quite a successful one. He would never ask him friends for feedback on his work, we are not in the industry to give any sort of constructive feedback. We are his friends - there to support him and celebrate his success, not to tell him his work is great/shit.

HTH.

The thing is, it might take two minutes to watch the video, but it'd take me a lot longer than that to gather some intelligent thoughts and compose some useful feedback for you. I actually enjoy doing this kind of thing, but I'd still have to make time for it and that would stress me out!

@midnight - maybe you read the thread properly - and no I'm not upset by the negative responses - I wouldn't have put myself out there if anonymous posters had the power to disappoint. Am genuinely interested in the answers, good and bad.