Are they friends or jealous of me

[Maudacious]

AIBU to be upset that a couple of my so called friends don't respond when I ask for feedback on my work (designs that take about 1 minute of their time to look at). I give them lots of listening time and prop them up when they're down without fail but i'm now beginning to think they might be jealous of me. I'm less inclined to respond to their feedback requests as a result but am struggling with why some women can't be happy for their friends successes and why they like to try and put dampners on.

Additionally how is a friend saying “oh they’re lovely” actually going to help?

@butterybiscuitbasic - i think asking a friend to watch a 2 minute video i made and let me know if it makes any sense is way less stressful/involved than being shoved in the middle of complex friendships (where kids are involved).

@kaldefotter only you can answer that question - i;m not inside your head thank god

I hate it when people ask me for feedback on their work.

Hate hate hate it.
IME giving negative feedback goes down very badly regardless of whether they claim in advance they’re okay with it.
I’ve been burnt by that before. And if I’m just going to be saying insincere platitudes about how it’s great regardless of what I really think, then the whole thing is just wasting everyone’s time.

And that’s before stopping to consider whether I know enough about whatever it is to have an informed opinion on whether it’s objectively any good or not.

I’m happy enough to listen to people rambling on about their work, relationships, or most other things for that matter, but I do not want to be drawn into any feedback on anyone’s work beyond the most basic proofreading.

Although if your friends aren’t willing to provide feedback, it would be polite for them to tell you that, rather than just ignore the request.

I refer you to the Morrissey song ‘we hate it when our friends become sucessful’. Look for it on Spotify.

It’s not just ‘some women’. It’s a gender impervious human force. As can be reluctance to tell acquaintances that their designs are (ahem) not to our taste.

@butterybiscuitbasic - I have no idea as your question doesn't relate to my issue - maybe you're projecting

Maybe they are trying really hard to make you feel included in their social group but are fed up that you keep going on about your own stuff. They're not a focus group. They're not your beta testers.

People in creative industries (I'm a bestselling author) learn very quickly not to lean on friends for feedback or they lose their friends because it's as awkward as having a MLM friend.

I have industry-specific beta readers who tell me if it's working or not working before I send it to the publisher, and I beta read for other authors. There must be something similar for graphic design. I regularly get requests to read people's books and I try my best but physically do not have the time for all of them.

Overall though from your attitude on this thread I feel like you are a bit entitled. You're assuming because (in your words) they are stay at home mums they have nothing better to do than tell you about your designs. You believe that them telling you gossip is "asking for feedback" (bizarre). And your responses on this thread, including the passive-aggressive ones, show that no, you actually can't take negative feedback. So I'm probably wasting my breath telling you to find an industry group on Reddit or somewhere to get feedback instead of burdening these poor women but it was worth a try.

I REALLY want to know what Op’s designs are

I also hate it . I have one friend in particular who does this . Not interested in the content so I say I will look later so she doesn’t know I have only brifefly skimmed it to find something appropriate to say . Feedback from friends is not appropriate.

The fact you jump to jealousy is bizarre. I would assume they didn't like your work if anything.

I don’t think it’s bizarre. I know a few people who assume that anyone who doesn’t like them or make them centre of attention is jealous of them.

They’re pretty trying people, but they’re out there

I wouldn't assume jealousy,

I can think of lots of reasons
1- laziness
2- no opinion either way
3- negative opinion but don't want to tell you because your kids are friends and it would be awkward
4- you ask for feedback too often. They hope that you'll stop doing this
5- negative opinion but they don't know if you'll take it like an adult or hold a grudge
6- they think you should ask someone at work who knows more about design
7-they are too busy
8- they don't understand your product and don't want to look stupid
9- they think it's fine but don't know how to say it without sounding like they are blowing smoke up your arse.

and i'm happy to get negative feedback too

This is the opposite of the image that you portray by being bothered by their laziness.

If you want honest feedback post anonymously online. People don't know you so are likely to be more honest.

My friend is a published author and she’s never asked me to read her books, I have read two off my own back, one I enjoyed and told her, the other I didn’t so I just kept my mouth shut and we’ve never mentioned it, I don’t want to hurt her jus because it wasn’t to my taste!

I’d find it weird if she kept sending me her books and asking for feedback!!

Thanks @ EmilyStar, I won't be asking either of them again for feedback - I can see now that it's super uncomfortable for some people. Just cos I enjoy giving feedback doesn't mean everyone else does. It is the ignoring bit that confuses more than anything. Thanks though - good non aggressive feedback on my feedback query!

I have a friend who like 4 million other people has decided to make jewellery and sell it on facebook. I would not say her designs are bad but they are not terribly stand out original either. Problem is that she is constantly asking us to 'like' her products and views us as being under some kind of obligation to buy her stuff or at least actively promote it. Truth is most of us simply can't be bothered and her constant henpecking is actually resulting in people getting the bargepole out.

They're your friends, not a focus group

Equally, I'm happy to give feedback on areas that I know enough to make an informed assessment and advise positively/constructively negative as appropriate.

I'd not be happy to be asked to comment on crafts and creative things unless I shared an interest.

Also, are you asking regularly too? It might wear a bit thin

A friend of mine is a landscaper and she sometimes shows me stuff from her projects. I don't understand anything out of it, I can't possibly have an opinion. I told her and she eventually stopped. It was boring as fuck. That doesn't make me a bad friend

I have a friend who like 4 million other people has decided to make jewellery and sell it on facebook. I would not say her designs are bad but they are not terribly stand out original either.

I get this. A friend makes jewellery. I have even bought some, with my own money, because I want to - I like the designs. However, she makes everything in just 2 colours, colours that she likes. They are not colours I wear a lot. If she asked me for feedback, that's what i would say. However, she doesn't ask, so I keep schtumm.

@WhattiggersDobest
Congratulations on being a best selling author!
I did not however (as you state) say that my SAHM have nothing better to do than give me feedback. Where did you get this idea from? Hopefully you can back up your strong statements.

One of the reasons I stupidly asked for their feedback was because they had felt excluded when some of the mums were chitchatting about their jobs.

Maybe your stuff is shit and your friends don’t like to say.

I’ve been burned by the innocent ‘please give me feedback‘ thing. Trouble was, it wasn’t an innocent request.

I said I liked the item, and was then hounded with offers to do a commission.

I was skint and living in a tiny flat. Didn’t need any bloody handicrafts, however well made they were.

So be aware OP even if your request is innocent, they may not realise.

I'm not sure I understand how you came to the conclusion they were jealous of your success. But I admire your confidence. Most people would think either they couldn't be arsed or thought your work was shit and didn't know what to say.

You've clearly got tons of self belief in spades.

I love my job but that doesn't mean my friends are interested. I pick out things to tell them that I feel are universally interesting but even then they don't always seem that interested and conversation moves on. That's fine. Dh and I are in the same line of work so bore each other with work news.

I do have a friend who seems to think everyone is jealous of her. It's baffling as to me her job is very dull, pays well but I'm not too bothered about money (were fine on our income) and her relationship is a disaster but she only talks about that when drunk. Her poker face to new people is cringeworthy bragging. Don't be that person.