AIBU to not go back to baby class

[Stuckinanutshell]

Not that this is worthy of the news but Daily Mail, The Mirror Etc are hideous rags and suck.

DD is 8 months and was born 7 weeks early following preeclampsia.

We went to 0-6 month baby sensory class. At the time it made me a bit anxious as all the babies DD age were rolling or pushing up. DD was the only one who wasn’t. The teacher always made a point to say things like ‘DD is so good she just lays there’ and would randomly say without me even commenting that ‘she’ll catch up!’ All of which I felt singled us out as ‘behind’.

I wanted to redo the 0-6 month class as I like to get out and DD enjoys it but the teacher said I should move to 6+. I felt confident about this as DD now rolls and felt I would be less awkward. In fact I was excited to turn up and have the teacher see what DD can now do and not be the ones behind anymore.

Turn up and the same group is there. Only this time their babies of the same age - some younger - are crawling all over the place. Some are even pulling themselves up and cruising. DD can’t sit unaided and is nowhere near crawling. The teacher says ‘as all our babies are crawling and starting to walk now...’ Mine isn’t. I just felt so alienated and felt so sad.

A new mother is there with a boy much MUCH bigger than DD. The boy is crawling. The mother whispers during the class ‘how old is your DD?’ And I say 8 months and she says ‘OH WOW! Lucas is 7 months. She’s soooooo teeny. Lucas is huge though in comparison’.

After the class they all stay behind for free play. I leave.

I came home and told my mother that I felt all the comments were loaded with hidden meaning and she said I was being stupid.

Am I wrong to interpret like this?

• oh wow she’s so teeny!

Translation: she’s too small

• you wait until she’s crawling! Mines been crawling since 6 months and it’s a nightmare!

Translation: stealth brag - I want to let you know mine has been crawling ages and is advanced

• how old is your DD?

Translation: I want to know how old she is so I can work out if my DC is more advanced or not

• oh yay she’s starting to sit now. I remember when my DC started to sit. So exciting!

Translation: my DC of the same age has been doing that for ages.

I’ve decided not to go back to the class again. My mother says I’m being unreasonable.

Am I?

YANBU to not want to go back but I think you may have over interpreted some of the comments (not all, there are always snidey stealth brags). The comment about crawling I would take as an attempt at sympathy but it depends on the tone I guess. I find baby groups are a bit hit and miss tbh.

Yes I think you're reading way too much into it because it's something you're anxious about. The other mums are just making friendly chit chat

YABU they're just making conversation. You're the one turning it into something it isn't

You are being massively over sensitive about the comments. People are just making conversation. No one is judging you, people are only interested in their own babies. That said, don't go back if you don't want to - they're not obligatory, these things, and I can understand why you're not enjoying it.

Don't go if you don't enjoy it, but I think you.might be a little bit reading into things that aren't there. All babies learn things at different rates, with a group I met up with in mat leave I was the one with the 8 month old who couldn't (or wouldnt) sit while even the ones a little younger were so i do sympathise (she wasn't prem she just didnt like sitting as far as I can tell!) (My DD started sitting at over 9 months old... more of a mover than a sitter). Some of them might genuinely be a bit jealous of a baby they don't have to chase after because it's pretty tiring!

No I don’t think that you are, I agree with you regarding the stealth bragging though I would say you’re being a touch sensitive and overthinking things, all completely normal when you’re a new mum especially given that your little one was premature l.

I have three kids, two absolute tanks and one tiny. Eldest didn’t walk until two youngest is rolling at four months it’s all swings and roundabouts none of them are better/worse than the other.

A lot of the time people just blurt things out to make conversation in baby groups like this and 9/10 it’s to do with their child as really all you have in common is that you all have a baby of similar age lol!

Try not to let it get to you, comments like that got to me when I was a new mum too so I know it’s hard but you’ll drive yourself bonkers. I would go back or try to find another group, it’s good to get out of the house and for DD to socialise.

Hope you feel better about things soon!

The classes are for you, the baby doesn’t care, so only go if you think you will have fun. It doesn’t sound like you would so maybe find something else to do.
My 36 weeker is a year old now and still months behind physically (we had a lot of issues during the pregnancy). He’s many months ahead with speech though. People are weirdly competitive at baby group but it doesn’t bother me.

I probably am being unreasonable. I guess though that if I wanted to make conversation I wouldn’t do it by pointing out things like how big or small a child was or comparing mine to someone else’s.

If they wanted to talk they could comment on the weather, the outfits, the class, etc. But to whisper during class that her child is so much bigger than mine seemed pointed and a little insensitive.

Gah. It’s probably all in my head.

I wasn’t rude btw. I answered all questions with a smile and left after to go ‘get lunch’ but these things tend to stay with me.

Probably because I’m anxious about the issue itself ...

Look, there’s a lot of insecurity to this stage as everyone is on guard that their baby is too x/y/z or not a/b/c enough. So there’s a lot of conscious or otherwise comparison going on. And it’s a bit self enforcing. And unnecessary. Plus sometimes people just want to chat and this is a way to make conversation.

I think you’re probably taking things a bit more to heart than needed. But if this particular class doesn’t do it for you, leave it. Just make sure it’s not a pattern that’s repeating at every group/park/whatever.

Those are just things that mums say to each other. It describes every conversation I've ever had in a baby group, park, soft play etc. If you aren't enjoying it though just don't go back. My DS was always a bit slower to reach his milestones than the other babies it seemed and I felt that way too. I always came out feeling teary and awkward. Once they're eventually all on their feet you just forget about milestones and who's doing what.

I suspect a lot of it was just people making conversation, but you're feeling a bit worried and a bit vulnerable about your little one, after they've had a tough start in life, and so it felt like people making those comments backed up and confirmed those worries. The likelihood is that everyone there has some worry or vulnerability about their baby's development, and they're all looking to find some support or confirmation that their baby's doing ok. And people often dont think when they speak, but I doubt there is any real negativity behind their comments.

I do understand your anxieties OP. My DD didn't crawl until she was 2 (she walked at 13 months) and I always felt people were judging me for it. She was also very tall for her age, so I had the opposite comments about her size but it still made me feel like I was doing something wrong! She's 5 and perfectly "normal" now.

DS is 15mo and I do find myself asking others how old their DC are at our toddler group or wherever. I'm not judging them at all, I'm just interested! Also, my DS is a big boy (99th percentile for everything!) and I'm always interested in seeing how big he is compared to other babies his age. He's usually a lot bigger than kids older than him!

Please don't think everyone is judging you. I know that's easier said than done, but a lot of the time parents are just looking to start a conversation, and talking about babies is easy. And anybody who does judge you for what your baby can or can't do is in the wrong.

You are being oversensitive, and having a difficult start is probably a major factor in that as you had a lot to worry about in the early days.

The gaps will close up with time. By school it makes no difference who crawled at 7m or who bypassed crawling, who walked at 10m and who walked at 18m. Crawling isn't even a development marker as the range is so varied.

Most people's normal is where their baby is at. Having a baby can be quite a tight bubble. I used to hate the phrase "they are walkers or talkers"... DS1 was neither a walker nor a talker, years later he's a great little runner, and can talk for Ireland.

It is just baby small talk and it's having a baby that brings you to a group so is an "easy" topic for superficial comment before people find other things in common.

It sounds like people were just making conversation and you're being over-sensitive. It is completely abnormal for a large group of 7-9 month olds to ALL be crawling and sitting themselves up; loads don't crawl until 10/11 months, some do that bizarre sitting-up shuffle etc. Try out a few different baby groups to find a better range of babies that include some who are more like your DD, it'll make you feel better. They all get there eventually. Sign up to free trials at a range of classes (e.g. Hoop app offers freebies) until you find a group of mums and babies you're happy hanging out with.

I think YANBU to interpret the comments those ways, but I also think fuck ‘em, insecure braggers. Baby groups are full of this blooming nonsense and - trust me - they’re saying it to everyone they can, and probably aren’t intentionally victimising you, though I understand why it feels like they are. I got so eyerolly about the subtle comptetitivism of these groups, but I just decided those people were idiots and carried on going and focusing on my dc which is what I was there for anyway. I never understood how some people were so able to talk so much in baby sensory, either! It’s so intense! 😃

In a practical sense, I might have a word with the class leader about where I thought my child’s development was at and explain sensitivity over her being an early baby (and therefore it’s normal for her to be at the developmental stage she’s at) so that she can be made more aware of what she’s saying. I think it’s unprofessional for her to be insensitive like this, since she should know that all babies acquire new skills at different ages, but maybe all she needs is a very gentle nudge in the right direction.

I do agree you have maybe taken the comments the wrong way slightly but my boy was 4 weeks early and has always been 'behind' so I know why you are feeling the way you are. Remember comparison is the thief of joy and your baby is doing everything at the rate that is right for her. Try and relax and not think to much into people's comments, they are probably just trying to make you feel welcome!

The thing is that the other mums are worried too. So for example the mum with the big baby may be worried that hers is too big. So you may be right that she’s making a comparison, but not necessarily for the reasons you think.

I do think you’re being a little over sensitive. Some of the comments sound a little thoughtless, but not malicious. Try not to take them to heart.

If you enjoy the class in other ways please keep going.

Yabu to feel competitive. Also, my premie DN (born at 32 weeks due to IUGR so was the size of a 26 week old) started babbling at 3 months, sitting at 4 months, crawling at 6 months, and is now trying to cruise at 10 months, (all proper ages rather than adjusted) but can’t be weaned yet due to his premie status. All babies develop differently and you just need to remind the other parents of this. How early a child develops as a baby has no bearing to future intelligence - for example all of the trilingual, intelligent, 4 yo geniuses I know, were premies and behind at something when they were babies. I appreciate you are more sensitive as dd was a premie but you will get this kind of competitive parenting everywhere - you just have to shut it down.

There are some snide competitive nasty people out there... then there are some who are fundamentally OK but insecure themselves... but the vast majority are just ordinary women like you, with no hidden agenda!

My baby was full term but tiny - I had lots of comments on her being like doll, so much smaller than whoever. I’m lucky that I had no context to make me upset about that - I’m sorry you did, you must have been so worried.

What you describe is exactly the kind of conversations new mothers have all the time, with no hidden agenda.

Even the ones that are boasting about their ‘advanced’ kids, are doing it more to bolster themselves than to put you down. Some of the comparing is pathetic competition, but more often it’s parents trying to benchmark what’s normal so they don’t worry. The parent whose child is crawling early, is quite possibly worried that they still don’t sleep well, etc...

You can change the subject, or you can just say “yeah, I’ll enjoy the non crawling whilst it lasts”. Or you’re allowed to say “you know, I’m looking forward to the crawling, because she was a preemie so I tend to find I’m a bit worried about milestones”. And you might just find a friend when you get the reply “the worry is awful, isn’t it? Everyone else’s child seems to eat full meals, and mine just wants a bottle still...”

It’s OK to be honest.

OP, I think you’ve figured it out for yourself: you’re anxious about this. You probably don’t need to be, but if you are, ask for a paediatrician referral.
I doubt the comments are deliberately loaded. It is a fact, however, that a lot of people are horribly tactless in all kinds of situations where the need for greater sensitivity ought to be obvious. If they are a bunch of tactless people and get on your nerves, stop the class by all means, and whatever you do remember to adjust your expectations to your DD’s adjusted age.

It’s just conversation.

YABU.

Yes an no. You probably are overthinking the comments. But equally if you’re not enjoying the group because of it there’s no obligation to carry on going.
I also have a small 8mo who is sitting but not crawling. I take comments about his size really to heart even though I think people are really saying he’s small and cute.
I accidentally booked the baby class again at my group and he does seem too old for it now so I’m going up next term, though I’m fairly certain he’ll feel overwhelmed to start with!

I think it's just harmless chit chat. But that doesn't mean it hasn't hurt you. Don't go if it doesn't make you feel good about things, try another group maybe (though I'm yet to find one I like after 5yrs!)

Thanks everyone who took the time to comment. It’s been so helpful reading all the comments.

I’m being unreasonable. They were likely just making conversation and probably all have anxieties. I do think some were insensitive but that’s life I guess.

I’ll go back next week with this adjusted mindset and if I’m still unhappy then I’ll just go to another class. I’ll try to live a week not in my head so much and see if it makes a difference.

Again thanks for the advice and the empathy. Even those who have just said ‘YABU’ - it’s good to know. At least I get straight talkers here!