AIBU to not go back to baby class

[Stuckinanutshell]

Not that this is worthy of the news but Daily Mail, The Mirror Etc are hideous rags and suck.

DD is 8 months and was born 7 weeks early following preeclampsia.

We went to 0-6 month baby sensory class. At the time it made me a bit anxious as all the babies DD age were rolling or pushing up. DD was the only one who wasn’t. The teacher always made a point to say things like ‘DD is so good she just lays there’ and would randomly say without me even commenting that ‘she’ll catch up!’ All of which I felt singled us out as ‘behind’.

I wanted to redo the 0-6 month class as I like to get out and DD enjoys it but the teacher said I should move to 6+. I felt confident about this as DD now rolls and felt I would be less awkward. In fact I was excited to turn up and have the teacher see what DD can now do and not be the ones behind anymore.

Turn up and the same group is there. Only this time their babies of the same age - some younger - are crawling all over the place. Some are even pulling themselves up and cruising. DD can’t sit unaided and is nowhere near crawling. The teacher says ‘as all our babies are crawling and starting to walk now...’ Mine isn’t. I just felt so alienated and felt so sad.

A new mother is there with a boy much MUCH bigger than DD. The boy is crawling. The mother whispers during the class ‘how old is your DD?’ And I say 8 months and she says ‘OH WOW! Lucas is 7 months. She’s soooooo teeny. Lucas is huge though in comparison’.

After the class they all stay behind for free play. I leave.

I came home and told my mother that I felt all the comments were loaded with hidden meaning and she said I was being stupid.

Am I wrong to interpret like this?

• oh wow she’s so teeny!

Translation: she’s too small

• you wait until she’s crawling! Mines been crawling since 6 months and it’s a nightmare!

Translation: stealth brag - I want to let you know mine has been crawling ages and is advanced

• how old is your DD?

Translation: I want to know how old she is so I can work out if my DC is more advanced or not

• oh yay she’s starting to sit now. I remember when my DC started to sit. So exciting!

Translation: my DC of the same age has been doing that for ages.

I’ve decided not to go back to the class again. My mother says I’m being unreasonable.

Am I?

I stopped going to a parent group with my kids as they were adopted and the conversation revolved around breastfeeding and birth stories. I felt like a total fraud.

I do wish I’d stuck it out, I realise (then and now) that no one means anything by it but I genuinely get that it’s hard.

My youngest also has complex SEND so also understand the comparison thing. My 6 year old grand daughter can do things that he can’t do (he’s 15). I still have moments of feeling upset about that (and irrationally and unreasonably irritated by DD sharing DGDs achievements), it’s fleeting and she would never know but I understand how you feel.

You're overthinking:

oh wow she’s so teeny!
People say this-when they're not saying "ooh they're big". I knew ds was about average because people said both about him.

• you wait until she’s crawling! Mines been crawling since 6 months and it’s a nightmare!

That's a normal statement (and crawling before 9months they've no common sense)

• how old is your DD?

Everyone asks that. I ask it when I see a baby, and my baby is 12yo now, so no competitiveness there.

• oh yay she’s starting to sit now. I remember when my DC started to sit. So exciting!

They're being excited with you at a developmental stage-again normal.

Children develop at different stages. Dd2 was walking at an age dd1 wasn't crawling. (and yes, that was a nightmare-dd2, that is). But then dd2 didn't sit properly until she was nearly 12 months because if you sat her down she threw herself onto her front to crawl off.

It's harmless chatter. No one is comparing as much as you think, and it means nothing long term. It's just a case of people giving small talk about the one thing you all have in common-babies.
My oldest is 18yo and us parents have been doing a lot of small talk about universities. It's not bragging or putting people down, but simply it's something we have in common and it's helping each other with our experiences. Sometimes someone will say something like "Sainsbury's has an offer on that...." and we'll all go "oh that sounds great." and go and get it for our new student dc. It's the same, just a different stage.

YABU but it’s easy to feel sensitive about particular comments so be gentle with yourself because your feelings are genuine and valid.

Mine's pretty little and people often comment, so I completely understand how it gets in your head. 3 days of worrying for me before I thought to check that she's still the same percentile and therefore is growing fine 🙈

Some of it is stealth bragging, but I think you are also understandably getting upset by idle chatter because you are worried. I would go back and try to ignore it, if you can, because it is worthwhile going to these things and in my experience they do get easier. You and your baby are doing a great job, whatever pace they go at.

My first was quick to roll, crawl and cruise and we couldn't do groups because she would wander off and refuse to come back!
I was always embarrassed and felt left out because she's highly strung and wanted to do her own thing.
I would say the same things about age etc to other Mums and was just making chat. No one really cares if their child is ahead, as long as they're not behind. Try not to read into these things and understand that they're more bothered about their own baby than yours, lovely as she is.

I would swap to a class where the mums can't talk as much, maybe a singing based class and then focus on your own baby.

I don't like all the comparisons at groups so I stay away from the groups like that.

The leader sounds a bit unprofessional though, really no need to comment on the little ones at all.

Your DD is doing really well for her adjusted age, try not to worry. If it’s any consolation my DD didn’t walk until 22 months so you can imagine the comments I got 😂

I was just thinking about the milestones. One of my closest friends now is from an early baby group who has a DS 2 weeks younger than my DS. He was crawling 3 months earlier than mine but is a whole head shorter. He got each of his teeth earlier, my DS has always eaten better. He climbs better, my DS can sit with books, they both love cars and balls. They both walked within a few weeks of each other, I think he was first. He's talking better, DS is better at fine motor skills. It actually gets a lot easier as more and more milestones pile up, because you notice the randomness as each one is faster to do one or another thing and relax enough to celebrate whatever each of them can do rather than fretting that yours can't do it yet. We love talking about what they've each learned to do, the anxiety does reduce honestly so you can just enjoy watching your own and other babies grow up!

Yanbu to not go back. It sounds quite unfair that you weren’t able to stay in the 0-6m class but I do think you are being over sensitive about the comments. It’s the sort of things people say at groups because they usually have little in common other than babies it’s just general chit chat.

My baby is huge. He looks several months older than he is so when I see a baby the same age who is small or normal size I think they look tiny. It’s not a criticism, it’s just a comparison. Try not to read too much into people’s comments. I doubt the vast majority of them are meant the way you are hearing them.

I've been there and it's hard (DD1 was a similar gestation) - I would go to baby groups and then sit in the car and cry at how "behind" she seemed.

Fast forward to older toddler age and they were all desperate to push friendships with their kids and DD1 as she was so "advanced" in terms of language and counting etc - yes she was later to crawl and walk (walked at 18 months, crawled at 11) but she was an early and superb talker and has never shut up since - to the point the children's centre staff used to stop working to listen to the things she came out with as they'd never had a toddler talker like her!

It's pretty much normal for a preemie parent to feel a bit out of sorts at the whole competitive milestoning thing and just something you have to work through in a way that works for you.

Friendly small talk. There's only so many things you can say about a 6-12 month old baby, they don't do much!

All I ever heard was how huge my son was and looking at photos of him he really was. It made me question feeding him on demand and I lost a lot of sleeping thinking he would be an obese toddler.

People do like to compare their children but in my experience parents are so so preoccupied with heir own children and their development and none of those comments seem veiled to me, they are just making conversation about their children.

I don't like groups where all the babies are the same age, I much prefer baby and toddler groups that are a bit more free play based. People don't seem to be doing the comparison thing as much.

I wouldn't go back and would try and find some different groups or activities to do. Or enjoy not having to do stuff like that yet, now my baby is a toddler we are constantly at soft play, swimming, playgroups now that it's raining all the time and it does get tedious! I miss putting her in the pram and going shopping or for a big walk without her complaining!

I walked out of a similar situation. My DD was 9 weeks premature and people just don’t understand how hurtful their “innocent” remarks and questions can be.
You have my absolute sympathies and I am here anytime you might need a fellow preemie mum’s ear. My DD is 4 now.

I haven't read all the other responses, and I'm more of a lurker but I just had to reply and say how much your post resonates with my own experience. My DC wasn't premature but was/is always last to do everything. It hurt me so much and I found classes and socialising really, really hard. For example DC didn't roll properly until 8 months, sit until 9 months, crawl until 14 months and is only just walking now at 21 months. I heard all the same comments as you and whilst I didn't feel they were loaded, I found them inconsiderate and incredibly hard to hear.

I don't have much advice other than stay strong, and don't do/go anywhere you don't want to. You need to be in a good place to look after your DC. Perhaps try a different class where the differences are less obvious (it does sound a little bit like the class leader is focusing on milestones too heavily, IMO). Try out a few others and fine one that suits you better.

Have you spoken to your HV? I don't mean to suggest there's anything wrong but it might be worth a chat. My DC has low muscle tone and once we discovered that, a lot of things made sense. We had some physio support which helped.

Good luck x

Just to add as a mum of preemie twins I get, wholeheartedly where you’re coming from OP. It’s so difficult when you’re looking after a prem baby and - as much as you try not to, you worry about their development and the focus is on them “catching up” to their peers from all sides (HVs, hospital Paediatricians and any other professionals involved in monitoring progress) so it’s difficult to disentangle yourself from the mindset.

My DD and DS are nearly 2, but size and development wise are much closer to 1 year olds and it’s been a lot for me to try and keep my worries separate from usually innocuous comments of strangers, it feels sometimes like I’m constantly defending that they were prem but that comes from my insecurities rather than the comments themselves. Sometimes people have been downright rude about it, but rarely.

Your DD sounds like she’s doing really well 😊 she’s progressing quicker than my DD did so I hope you manage to keep on with the group if you enjoy it and try to keep positive thoughts; you’re doing brilliantly and your DD is lucky to have you 😊

You do seem to be very sensitive about it all

My dd didn’t crawl until she was 13 months. All the babies younger than her were whizzing about crawling and walking and she was just sat there or bum shuffled off.

She didn’t walk till 18 months and I will say that yes I felt a bit eeek because all other babies were apart from her but they do all catch up

I'd look for something else to do!
None of mine were crawling at 6 months. My DS crawled about 10 months and walked about 12. My eldest DD was just sitting at 1 year, started to bottom shuffle after a year, and was pulling herself up at 15 months, when she decided to crawl for 1 month before starting to walk. My other DD started bottom shuffling at 1 and walking at 18 months.

They all develop differently. But a class focused on activities not suitable for your child is a bit of a waste of time.

My daughter wasn't prem but was small for gestational age. I used to hate all the 'she's tiny' comments- I knew they didn't mean anything malicious but it still sent me into paranoia that she was too small. I used to say 'she's putting on weight really well and following her growth charts perfectly' then change the subject. Maybe you could try some stock phrases like that?

You are reading waaayyy too much into comments OP, my baby was huge (9lb 11) and I would always comment babies looked tiny in comparison. It wasn't a stealth brag!! You need to calm down a bit.

My first was born early and was v small and 'behind' for ages. Didn't crawl till she was nearly 14 months. I did often feel self conscious telling people her age and always felt the need to let people know she was prem. Sometimes I would actually tell people her adjusted age rather than her real age to avoid what I perceived to be judgement.

Looking back I think I was hyper sensitive and full of stress & anxiety due to her prematurity. I was reading to much into people's comments and my outlook was more negative than it should have been due to this.

Try to just focus on the positive and the fact that your baby is moving forward and growing and learning at their own pace. It doesn't matter what other babies are doing or what their parents think about your baby!

YANBU, everyone's interpretation and experience is different, so for people to be saying you're wrong because they didn't feel that way is ridiculous. It doesn't sound like your DD is actually behind milestone wise in terms of guidelines, but it easy to feel sensitive about it when people keep going on about it. I hate baby groups for this reason, and only went to one which DS giggled through so I assumed enjoyed. People would always comment oh so big for their age, is he eating too much, what are you feeding him etc. If you feel you want to continue doing try not to let them ruin it for you, but if you aren't enjoying it don't push yourself tbh.

I think a lot of the comments are just small talk and conversation openers to break the ice.

I have had the “isn’t she teeny” conversation and didn’t think that there was anything more to it than Dd was teeny compared to bigger children at that age.

Children do develop at a different rate.

Dd didn’t say a word untill she was 2 years and 1 month. No babbling, nothing.
People would find it strange.
If she wanted something she would point.

Then she started speaking in complete sentences. Another father was talking to her at a party and said he had to check himself because the way she spoke was like having an adult conversation.

Dd didn’t crawl forward only backwards and didn’t walk until she was 14 months old.

Ds otoh was walking at 9 months.

10 months and he was climbing up the curtains and jumping off the windowsills

He babbled away but didn’t talk coherently till he was nearly 4 and was only out of nappies during the day a few weeks before he started school.

I was told babies either put their first strengths into physical or mental activity.

It all evens up in the end.

It’s really just general baby chatter.. they probably guess that you’ve not been up to much during the week, highly unlikely you went sky diving or some really riveting experience with a tiny baby, and it’s much better/politer than just smiling and staring at you silently.

We just go to a random baby to 4 group, the individual age ones didn’t suit ds as they tend to do massage and he will just claw himself bloody if he’s left in a nappy so I’d either miss half the class or have to turn into a ninja pinning him.. he removes mittens with his two tiny teeth.

In that group I couldn’t tell you which of the bigger kids sat/walked/crawled/spoke first. There’s a 10month old who was 2 weeks late and can’t sit properly yet but can crawl like there’s no tomorrow, an 11month old who I’m not sure on dates but she’s the same size as 6month old ds and he was 2weeks early and a tiny thing (he jumped from the 5th/9th to the 50th centile). Everyone’s went from aw he’s tiny to oh he’s so big, he sits fairly well, has just started rolling this week and still only goes to tummy, didn’t hold his head up in tummy time till 4 n half months.. he babbles like mad (about 4 days into the competitive story telling).. but by next year I’m sure we’ll be chasing them all around like mad women and wondering when “mummy mummy mummy” is going to go from scream to dull roar 😂.

As long as no medical professionals are concerned and they’re happy n healthy just enjoy your baby.

I think you are reading too much into the comments. But if it doesn't make you feel good, I suggest finding some mixed-age groups to hang out with. When kids are all different ages, you don't get the feeling of "comparison" and you can also get some refreshingly chilled perspectives from parents of older children, who worried about this stuff at one time and can reassure you that it will all come out in the wash in the end.