AIBU to not go back to baby class

[Stuckinanutshell]

Not that this is worthy of the news but Daily Mail, The Mirror Etc are hideous rags and suck.

DD is 8 months and was born 7 weeks early following preeclampsia.

We went to 0-6 month baby sensory class. At the time it made me a bit anxious as all the babies DD age were rolling or pushing up. DD was the only one who wasn’t. The teacher always made a point to say things like ‘DD is so good she just lays there’ and would randomly say without me even commenting that ‘she’ll catch up!’ All of which I felt singled us out as ‘behind’.

I wanted to redo the 0-6 month class as I like to get out and DD enjoys it but the teacher said I should move to 6+. I felt confident about this as DD now rolls and felt I would be less awkward. In fact I was excited to turn up and have the teacher see what DD can now do and not be the ones behind anymore.

Turn up and the same group is there. Only this time their babies of the same age - some younger - are crawling all over the place. Some are even pulling themselves up and cruising. DD can’t sit unaided and is nowhere near crawling. The teacher says ‘as all our babies are crawling and starting to walk now...’ Mine isn’t. I just felt so alienated and felt so sad.

A new mother is there with a boy much MUCH bigger than DD. The boy is crawling. The mother whispers during the class ‘how old is your DD?’ And I say 8 months and she says ‘OH WOW! Lucas is 7 months. She’s soooooo teeny. Lucas is huge though in comparison’.

After the class they all stay behind for free play. I leave.

I came home and told my mother that I felt all the comments were loaded with hidden meaning and she said I was being stupid.

Am I wrong to interpret like this?

• oh wow she’s so teeny!

Translation: she’s too small

• you wait until she’s crawling! Mines been crawling since 6 months and it’s a nightmare!

Translation: stealth brag - I want to let you know mine has been crawling ages and is advanced

• how old is your DD?

Translation: I want to know how old she is so I can work out if my DC is more advanced or not

• oh yay she’s starting to sit now. I remember when my DC started to sit. So exciting!

Translation: my DC of the same age has been doing that for ages.

I’ve decided not to go back to the class again. My mother says I’m being unreasonable.

Am I?

I think you are the one making comparisons and the other parents. YABU I think no matter what they said to you it would hurt your feelings .

Hi OP. My DD was born at 32w and 3lbs so I can totally understand. She's now 5m but whenever people ask how old she is, I feel obliged to qualify it with 'but she was 8w early' to stop people thinking im loopy as she's still only 9lbs.
I've also struggled with the 'Oh isn't she tiny' comments as the whole time we were in NICU we were just trying to pack the weight on her. But I know it's just them showing an interest and I'm the one with the issue. In fact I've had lots of random people comment on how they were prem etc.
Do you have any friends from hospital? I find they're the ones who really 'get' it. If you're not enjoying the baby group then may be find one that's 0-13m so you're more mid range?
Also, if you haven't already, I recommend reading 'the Mothership' which came out this year. One for when you're feeling good emotionally but I found it very cathartic.

I think you're probably being a little over sensitive, rather than unreasonable - but that's perfectly natural with your pfb!

If it makes you feel any better, my DD1 was 13 months before she crawled and 19 months before she walked (and we were desperate for her to walk as DD2 was due to arrive when DD1 was 20 months!) and she was a week overdue! She's now 12 and very clever and sporty, you wouldn't know she'd taken so long to get moving!

Your DD came into the world 7 weeks earlier than her peers - it stands to reason that she'll take a little while to catch up, but she will and in time, you won't be able to tell the difference!

*not the other parents

Hi OP

I think people do just talk about their babies in baby classes. It's boring but understandable as that's why you're all there and the only thing you know you've got in common.

When you say her age are you going by actual age or adjusted age as she is almost two months early?

I knew a couple of people who had massive babies and were actually worried about the size of them and that they were going to grow up obese etc so she might have actually been making an observation about size more in relation to her son rather than your daughter.

My first daughter didnt crawl til after 10 months. But she had much better fine motor control and concentration than my second who was a relatively early crawler and Walker. Your daughter will have things she is ahead of as well.

Saying that, classes are as much for the parents as the babies and if you're not enjoying it then dont go. Or ask to be out down to the younger class for a few more weeks due to her adjusted age

Please don't worry about this. My DS was born 9 weeks early. He was not rolling until 7.5 months, sitting unaided after 9 months, not crawling until 13.5 months. Walked at 20 months.
But you know what? Those mums of babies walking at 8 months were having to charge around the baby group trying to catch what was effectively a walking baby with no sense of danger, while I sat enjoying my cup of coffee. My son was quite happy playing with a shape sorter and was very clever. And now he is 12 and can not be distinguished from his peers .

Agree it is just chitchat which in most circumstances would be harmless but clearly is difficult for you as your baby is still so young. Maybe have a stock neutral response about her having been premature then divert the conversation. You will find developmental variations among the whole cohort during the first few years - some crawl earlier, some walk, some talk, some recognise colours and shapes, toilet train etc and try to focus more on the positives.

I hated baby groups but you are being way over sensitive op. This is normal mummy chat imo.

You need to stop giving a shit about what relative strangers think, it will improve your life immeasurably

You are reading into this way too much! It sounds like they are just making conversation and talking about size / milestones is so normal! I think you are worrying about your DDs progress so mistranslating the regular chat! I’m now worrying I’ve offended someone as this is type of thing I would say at every class to any mum next to me just trying to be friendly! The size thing - my DD is massive for her age and I do tend to point it out. It’s in no way a brag or a boast. I worry people sometimes don’t realise how young she is.

I agree it’s harmless chit chat. I have a baby the same age and honestly, I’m not in the slightest interested in other people’s babies.

It sounds likes it’s just a. Stay and play type thing? There is no. Need to go to them at all if you don’t like it

My SIL hates it when people looking out that DN is huge (he is nothing wrong just a fact), so she often gets in there before hand which might be what that lady did, oh your baby is so teeny (and cute) mine is so huge. She might be at home wondering if her baby is too big. They are both fine.
My baby is always the naughty one, splashing people at swimming, trying to run away with the instruments at music group, squealing and bashing everything like it's a drum and laughing. He has no indoor voice. I will write often say to other mums whose babies are calmer, oh your baby is so good just sitting there/laying there/watching, I don't mean it as a dig I mean it must be lovely not to feel you're constantly trying to wrestle a crocodile.

DS was 6 weeks early and has been slow to hit milestones too - he didn't crawl until he was 13 months (although he could cruise earlier) and at 16 months can only walk a few steps. I totally empathise with the worry - all of my friends babies are so far ahead and it's always the case at baby groups too. I try not to compare but it's so hard sometimes!

However, I do think you're overthinking the comments. I always ask how old other babies are - it's a way of breaking the ice and a standard baby group question. I think comparing size etc is normal too, it's just small talk, no one is judging your baby. They may well have their own worries and be thinking of those, rather than your baby iyswim - for example, DS is now 98th centile so if I said your baby was small I would actually be secretly worrying about DSs baby belly!

I honestly think the other mum's are just being friendly. If you enjoy the group keep going and maybe make some new friends! As time goes on you'll meet other babies who have also taken their time to reach milestones and you'll see that babies are just so different. It's stressful having a preemie and you will probably always worry about these things, but try not to let it get in the way of you having a good time

I could imagine myself saying something like that - about the small big thing - I wouldn't mean anything by it - just trying to make conversation awkwardlly...I am a little jealous of people with smaller babies as I find mine so heavy! If my baby could crawl I might talk about that being difficult (am nervous about it as he might get everywhere) but it really wouldn't be to put you down just saying what's on my mind. I think you on the most part reading things that aren't there.

It’s good you’re going back, give it another go, I would t read too much j to the comments, they probably don’t nean anything mean by it and if they do, then they’re idiots!

What people who are on their first baby don’t realise is that when your baby starts crawling and how big or small they are makes absolutely no difference to their future. I have 7 kids and they all except one walked by the time they were 9 months, were big Boston’s babies and did everything early, they’re all older now and they’re all completely normal, and three of them are actually one of the smallest in the class at school. The one that didnt do everything early did everything relatively late ( walked at 18 months) and he’s also completely normal.

I get it. Totally.

But I have a vague feeling that if a child is born prematurely the milestones etc are measured from due date not birth date. Have I imagined that?

I understand exactly how you feel. I think you add probably feeling quite vulnerable and these comments are getting to you and upsetting to you. I think if you weren't in such a vulnerable place you would just laugh them off. (And I think you will get to that place soon. Having such a young baby is a very vulnerable time, and her being premature would only increase this).

So I do think some of the mums maybe didn't mean those comments how you have interpreted them, but the fact is they have upset you and you don't feel comfortable. And I do feel that the teacher woman was being a bit insensitive. I think she should have let you re-do the 0-6class.

If I were you I would find some different classes, perhaps use your DD's adjusted age, to account for the 7 weeks premature.

You and your DD are both doing great, and you just need a better environment.

I have been to thousands of baby classes. Some groups are just better and more inclusive than others.

Chin up, you are doing a great job. Remember it's all about you and your DD - if you're relaxed and enjoying it, she will get something out of it. And that's what it's all about.

Good luck x

Yes I think YABU and sensitive. I think people ask about the age if your baby as a way to make conversation. Perhaps the woman with the bigger boy Lucas is conscious he is large and worried about that. No-one is judging you for having a smaller baby who doesn't crawl yet. It doesn't reflect on your or DD anyway!

I would give it another go if you think it's something DD benefits from. Just change the conversation to something you are more comfortable with.

If you're with mums who you haven't met before and aren't necessarily going to get into close friendships with, I see no reason why you shouldn't subtract 7 weeks from your answer when someone asks her age. You might have to be a bit careful when you celebrate her first birthday though!

Every mum in that room will be anxiously wondering whether their baby is behind and actively looking out for comparisons that set their mind at rest.

YANBU. You can't help the way that you feel and it's so hard not to compare what babies are doing and when.
If it makes you feel better, my 2nd centile 8 month old is also not crawling. She can only just about sit up. But I know that in a few years it just won't make any difference. They all catch up!

You need to clear your mind and try again.

I met one of my best friends at a baby group and I was the one who made the 'he's tiny' comment. Her son was tiny, 11 weeks early, and we ended up having a long chat about her experience and we've stayed friends for years since.

I think it’s harmless chit chat at a baby group, where the easiest thing to talk about with people you don’t know is the obvious - your babies.

I think people are so sensitive and sometimes defensive about their babies. It’s like breast feeding - I breast fed both mine, but find others who do not immediately start trying to justify why they don’t as soon as they see I do. I absolutely couldn’t care less if they do or not, but I think with the advice On feeding out there they put themselves under pressure and worry about others judging them.

In most cases, people are worried about their own kids, not yours. They don’t always think about how some things can be taken - most are operating in a sleep deprived fog after all.

My second was 10 lbs plus born and I get lots of “isn’t she big / strong” comments. Yes she is. It’s a fact. She’s not so delicate but they all even out / catch up in the end. My first never crawled, she used to sleep a lot and just lie / sit there. She’s nearly 4 now and will not sit still !

Give yourself a break. Just try to relax.

Obviously you always will get an odd stealth boast / dig, but mostly I think other mums can be more supportive than people want to give credit for.

Oh gosh! I’ve asked lots of those questions @Stuckinanutshell at baby groups, not for stealth boasting or mean reasons ... just because I have nothing more interesting to say! Too tired for interests or coming up with good chat atm. Just trying to make small talk! Please don’t take any of it to heart. Everyone is far too focused and worried about their own baby at the moment to even notice/ care what anyone else’s is doing or not doing.

You know something? Baby Sensory are great. We had nothing but positive experiences with them. But their rigid adherence to age (they will actively kick you out and upwards to Toddler Sense once you hit I think it's thirteen months) takes no account of developmental differentiation, premature babies or disabled babies. Clearly the more rumbunctious Toddler Sense isn't going to be a suitable environment for such children.

In relation to the comments about 'isn't she tiny?' etc, these sound insensitive (and a bit ignorant) but not necessarily malicious. This stupid competitive parenting has a large part to play in all this, as when the kid's 5 and attending school how relevant is the fact that their fellow-babies sat up at 5 months while they were at the rolling stage until 7-8 months? It's ridiculous.

That said, the lack of flexibility on Baby Sensory's account is very much tantamount to 'we've had your money, now the 13m threshold is reached you can sod off'. No questions asked here as to whether your child can physically take part in Toddler sense or not, nor a sense that they particularly care whether those who can't are left out in the cold.

So no, YABU, but YWNBU in any event. Attendance at these sessions is voluntary; you can come and go at will without needing an explanation or reason.

I have a preemie (24w) and I just took the view that she would do things in her own time. In response to her age, I would say that she’s x months but was premature, to explain her small size or why she can’t do certain things yet. She crawled at 15 months, stood at 22 months and walked at 23 months. Her development is no one else’s business and I joined classes based on her ability rather than her age.

In any case, the other babies that we spent time all could do different things, some walked early, some talked, some slept through the night, some ate really well... but no baby was brilliant at all of them at the same time. Take the pressure off yourself!

I always ask how old the other babies are because I'm curious!

Actually I'm quite mindful though how I talk because my dd was walking from quite early I think.. 9 1/2 months proper walking perfectly.. so when I mention it I always feel the need to then say "but she can't really talk yet, just dada" to try like not sound "oh she's this and that"

I think you shouldn't overthink stuff though! Some kids are way bigger than my dd and say "oh she's small" but then another group will say "wow she's big for her age" but I can assure you, nobody is judging you or your baby. (We far too obsessed with our own) haha x