AIBU to not go back to baby class

[Stuckinanutshell]

Not that this is worthy of the news but Daily Mail, The Mirror Etc are hideous rags and suck.

DD is 8 months and was born 7 weeks early following preeclampsia.

We went to 0-6 month baby sensory class. At the time it made me a bit anxious as all the babies DD age were rolling or pushing up. DD was the only one who wasn’t. The teacher always made a point to say things like ‘DD is so good she just lays there’ and would randomly say without me even commenting that ‘she’ll catch up!’ All of which I felt singled us out as ‘behind’.

I wanted to redo the 0-6 month class as I like to get out and DD enjoys it but the teacher said I should move to 6+. I felt confident about this as DD now rolls and felt I would be less awkward. In fact I was excited to turn up and have the teacher see what DD can now do and not be the ones behind anymore.

Turn up and the same group is there. Only this time their babies of the same age - some younger - are crawling all over the place. Some are even pulling themselves up and cruising. DD can’t sit unaided and is nowhere near crawling. The teacher says ‘as all our babies are crawling and starting to walk now...’ Mine isn’t. I just felt so alienated and felt so sad.

A new mother is there with a boy much MUCH bigger than DD. The boy is crawling. The mother whispers during the class ‘how old is your DD?’ And I say 8 months and she says ‘OH WOW! Lucas is 7 months. She’s soooooo teeny. Lucas is huge though in comparison’.

After the class they all stay behind for free play. I leave.

I came home and told my mother that I felt all the comments were loaded with hidden meaning and she said I was being stupid.

Am I wrong to interpret like this?

• oh wow she’s so teeny!

Translation: she’s too small

• you wait until she’s crawling! Mines been crawling since 6 months and it’s a nightmare!

Translation: stealth brag - I want to let you know mine has been crawling ages and is advanced

• how old is your DD?

Translation: I want to know how old she is so I can work out if my DC is more advanced or not

• oh yay she’s starting to sit now. I remember when my DC started to sit. So exciting!

Translation: my DC of the same age has been doing that for ages.

I’ve decided not to go back to the class again. My mother says I’m being unreasonable.

Am I?

I have been in the same situation but my DS wasn't early, he has a global developmental delay because of a genetic condition. I used to breezily way 'he's got some genetic stuff going on which means he's a bit behind with his milestones'.

I used this as code to mean 'you don't need to ask me any more details and you don't need to give me a sympathetic look'. It worked quite well and meant that I could just breeze past those conversations.

Still hurts obviously, so for you

Baby classes aren't for babies who don't care in the slightest They are for mums to get out of the house and meet other mums.

If that isn't working for you, you don't have to go.

But I think your experiences are colouring your judgement. As a non-baby owner I have a limited number of things to say about a baby - she's so big/tiny, are they walking/crawling/speaking etc etc The same questions come up again and again and they are just chat.

If you went again and next time someone said something along the lines of 'isn't she tiny/isn't she crawling yet' you were ready with a sentence of 'Yes she is tiny, she was a month prem, we were so worried but she doing brilliantly now - What's your baby's name?' you would get a conversation going and move off the inane stuff quickly and feel more comfortable.

Don't be oversensitive, all mums at all groups across the land make these kind of comments trust me.

Also, I am a Reception teacher and my summer born premature born child is the highest flier in the whole class.

I would speak to the teacher and explain your anxieties and ask to move into the younger class. Dd1 had lots of health issues that made her different- including hearing loss. I contacted a local baby sign teacher and she did a private class for us and our nct friends (who I felt comfortable around). I explained dd’s health issues and my worries (and the fact we hadn’t been to any other classes). The other babies were crawling/ walking and dd could just about sit with support but teacher and our friends were LOVELY and so accepting. It is one of my favourite memories.

IME you get comments from others on your baby all the time when you're a new mum. FWIW my firstborn was 4 days overdue, only sat unaided at 8.5 months, started crawling at 10.5 months. He was a late talker too. Now I get comments that he's too active/talkative! Just ignore and enjoy this time with your baby.

I think it's all in your head. Go to the class if you want to go to the class!! Most mums at things like that have literally nothing else going on in their lives and therefore nothing else to talk about other than their kids and other people's kids. Don't stress out about it.

I wouldn't worry yourself about it. My baby was born 40+1 and is almost 8 months and is nowhere bear crawling either.
I also always think that crawling, clapping, rolling etc are not a way to measure how advanced a baby is. It has no bearing on what they will eventually do with their lives so don't let it worry you!

I think you need to understand what is making you feel like this. If your baby is slightly delayed it is nothing to be ashamed of. It is no reflection on you or her.
Be proud of her and what she has achieved. This competitive parenting isn't from those parents its coming from you.
When I was a baby I had a hideous birthmark over my eye. It was red and swollen and awful to look at.
My mum showed me off even more!! She was determined to show people I was perfect and she thought I was perfect just the way I was.
You clearly adore your daughter. Just enjoy her and celebrate her milestones when she reaches them and try to attend these baby classes with a positive, open mindset.

I agree that you're overthinking things, I think a lot of us do though as we all want to make sure our children are developing well so we can sometimes be a little too on guard.

I remember when I went to baby groups I was the mum with the tiny, clingy daughter with eczema due to her allergies, who never slept more than an hour at a time. So of course all the other mums would give me diet advice that they heard from their uncles son, skin care advice they got from their hairdresser, and then of course all the tips on how they got their babies to sleep from 7-7 within a week of birth.

I've always had comments about how small my daughter is. She is 2.5 years old and we still get comments about how small she is. People will always make comments about your children, it's annoying but you've got to learn to let it go over your head.

I felt like this too - DD born premature at 36 weeks for pre-eclampsia.

She's fine now, aged 4, and a real bright spark!

It's a bit like measuring your 28 week bump with someone elses 36 week bump and being worried yours is smaller. Of course it is! Of course your daughter will take longer to do these things, shes been alive 8 weeks less than them.

Some babies are late developers anyway. Some are early. In my experience it's no bearing on your adult achievement. I talked late - I'ma . doctor. DH only walked at 20 months, and he plays football 4 times a week now. My friends DS spoke on time, but only later did his speech become unusal (referring to self in the third person etc) and be diagnosed with autism.)

I know it's hard when they are born early, you are desperate for it not to have affected them and are riddled with guilt. The truth is: it's too early to tell, but either way your DD is your wonderful child, half you and half your partner, who will grow up good at some things, bad at others, and the most precious thing in the world to you!

Baby group vibe can be very 'Persophone waved bye bye 2 weeks ahead of schedule, so clearly I am an excellent mother who produces gifted children'. It's all bullshit. Ignore it.

Your baby is developing ok for her age. Don't count from birth, count from due date. That's a lot of catching up to do but I bet by toddler stage and certainly by school, she will have done it if no other problems. She is making progress so don't worry. She may always be small, or not. Enjoy her, they grow too quick!

I know it can like every kid is plodding along great and you’ve got the only one with struggles, but It’s really not the case, i promise you.
Lucas could get to school and be struggling with reading.
Your dd could be reading fluently at 4, you don’t know

Plus you do have to remember she was almost 2 months early, therefore. Although she’s older than some of them or even the same age. She technically younger.
Oh and you’ll hear all sorts of bull shit.
I was once told by a mum that her 2 DDs had a fight over who had the most broccoli.
That’s not the crazy part though. The crazy part is that at the time. I actually feel for it

Aa i fellow preclampisa momma and premmie momma i know how you feel. I honestly just go back and say each kid develops differently my premmie wasn't sitting till 7 months and then we started blw and you should seen the mam shocked face when i didn't do baby food 🍲. Your baby is your own id you feel the classes helps your babies development go and try make friends i think sometime soical situations especially baby groups seem like a competition

Fell not feel and not

I wouldn't even go to these baby thing classes, you are always going to have some people making comparisons about what their babies can and can't do etc.

Wow thanks everyone. Some really lovely and sweet messaged here. Thanks especially to those who shared milestone stories. I feel a lot better now and a bit silly over being so sensitive.

You’re a great lot x

I have a friend whos kid was born at 29 weeks. Hes had his issues, but hes a happy 3 year old now and you'd never know.

Please dont take these comments to heart, I think probably they're just trying to make convo (albeit quite insenstively).

I wish I hadn't gone back to baby massage as I felt isolated and alone there where my little reflux baby wouldn't settle and I used to walk her round and round both of us crying. I stuck it out for 8 weeks and shouldn't have, because it made me miserable and at this stage the classes are for us mums, not the babes.

I'd go in the class you're more comfortable in and don't worry too much, all babies do their own thing at their own time 💕

Agree with others that you’re probably being over-sensitive but as the mother of a 28 week preemie I understand why. All the first time mum anxiety is hugely magnified when you have had an atypical start.

If it helps, for the first year when I was asked my baby’s age as small talk from randoms I would always give his corrected age as if he had been born on time, because that was the size and stage of development he was actually at. Saved a lot of the questions.

DS was four weeks early, difficult first few weeks with low blood sugars, really late with all of his milestones, and I know exactly what you mean. I felt exactly the same in our baby sensory classes (is it Hartbeeps?)

We stayed down in the younger class until about 9 months because honestly at 6 months DS was still not really old enough for half the stuff in the younger class. I’m so glad we did - DS loved it, and wasn’t getting elbowed out of the way by the bigger kids.

I know exactly what you mean with the comparisons, and I didn’t make friends through those baby classes at all as a result. I went for DS (because he genuinely enjoyed it) and socialised with my actual friends, and people from our swimming class (whose babies were a much wider spread of ages so no comparisons).

As DS has aged, I’ve realised how ridiculous that competitiveness was - sitting up at five months has zero bearing on how they will be even a year later, let alone at school age.

If it helps, DS didn’t crawl until he was over a year old, didn’t walk until about 16 months, and wasn’t speaking until just after his second birthday. He’s 2.5 now, and is ahead in all of his milestones - fearless on the climbing frame, dribbles a football better than I do, speaks in full sentences, great imaginative play, lots of friends at nursery. So please don’t let this get you down.

If you have a premmie you need to give people their adjusted age, not their actual age. Maybe explain they were prem.

I never had a problem once people knew our situation and mine was very delayed with gross motor skills.

Oh, and DS was kind of a fat baby around the six month mark, with a 98th centile head. So other mothers would ask how old he was, guess about three months older than he actually was, and then tut about the fact “such a big boy” wasn’t doing x, y or z yet, and make catty comments about how “big babies are always late to sit up, because they have more weight to lift”.

And now he’s mobile and has slimmed down (which is normal), we get comments about how little he is for his age (he’s short, like both of his parents, but only 25th centile so not abnormally so, and perfectly normal BMI). You really can’t win.

Yanbu. I was in a similar boat after traumatic birth baby has been a bit slower than others to reach milestones and had usually achieved them a month or so later than the usual maximum time. I found it hard sometimes at sensory class seeing how quickly the other babies were progressing but i kept it up as my baby loved it. I did switch up the class i went to each term and sometimes gelled more with some groups than others. With comments i think its very easy to say the wrong thing to someone who is feeling sensitive...i felt the same way u did but after blurting out a few silly things myself i realised often people are just trying to make conversation with you...but best to trust your gut you can usually tell the difference between a well intentioned yet clumsy comment and a stealth brag. You deffo do get these stealth brag mummies.

The instructor sounds a bit clueless though. Looking back i would just say that u shud try to relax about milestones...my baby didnt crawl until about 13 months and is absolutely fine now. Sometimes if they find a way of moving like rolling they just stick with that for ages!

Op I have older children and I do remember this phase. The thing is that while it's intense at the time you will look back and the whole thing will seem totally bonkers

All babies crawl. They all walk one day !! These are such tiny differences. They are all basically the same age but developing quite normally in different rates.

I do think to be honest you are being very over sensitive. But also I think if you don't enjoy it don't go back.