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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from my step family

109 replies

Foxzy · 11/10/2019 19:54

Name changed as this could be outing.

I’m feeling a bit low and unwell after several trips to hospital this week, a great pile of drugs and no real idea of what’s wrong. Tests continue. I’ve been alone most of the week (off sick) as DH works full time in London and commutes, only finishing early when it’s his night with the ‘children’. They live a short train ride away.

Despite my stepchildren being old enough to look after themselves (20 and 18) DH has insisted on taking them out tonight for dinner and bowling/cinema. They insist on keeping to the plan arranged for childcare when their parents split 10 years ago. I couldn’t go even if I wanted to, but nevertheless I wasn’t invited and when I asked I was told that the film wasn’t something I’d like anyway.

I’m not well enough to go out myself.

AIBU to feel excluded and resentful.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 11/10/2019 19:57

YANBU!

And I hope you're soon feeling better.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 11/10/2019 19:58

I think you have posted about this before.

Your DH wants to spend time with his (just) adult children. There is no harm in that.

Original poster
Foxzy · 11/10/2019 20:00

I have never posted about this before. I wasn’t ill until last week??

I have no issue with him spending time with them but why should I be excluded from it?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 11/10/2019 20:02

I have no issue with him spending time with them but why should I be excluded from it?

Because they want to spend time together with their Dad.

Are you excluded from absolutely everything they do every single time?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 11/10/2019 20:03

No harm in spending time with his kids, but Fox would not be unreasonable in thinking he could have skipped it this once, to be with her, having presumably seen very little of her during the week. I think being ill, and uncertain about health makes a difference in this case.

Original poster
Foxzy · 11/10/2019 20:03

So it’s ok to be excluded when you’re just a step parent is it?

The adult children’s feelings must always trump my feelings?

OP posts:
BatshitBertha · 11/10/2019 20:06

My DH & I have DC together.

He often spends time on his own with them (as do I) it's really precious time to us.

We also spend time together of course.

I'm sorry you are unwell, I think maybe you're being over sensitive because you feel like crap. Hope you feel better soon and the grumpiness dissipates. Thanks

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 11/10/2019 20:06

When I said posted about this before I meant the fact that you have step children aged 20 and 18 who regularly visit your DH as per the arrangements put in place 10 years ago; despite now being adult. Someone has posted about exactly that before.

Your step children want to spend time with their dad and he wants to with them. This really should be a non-issue. I hope you are better soon.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 11/10/2019 20:07

And yes. YABU.

TriciaH87 · 11/10/2019 20:08

I'm 32 and often invite my mum out without my stepdad of 16 years to do things he isn't into.

Mrscaindingle · 11/10/2019 20:10

They're only just adult children and I think it is up to you to say that on this occasion it bothers you that you're feeling left out.
It doesn't mean that their feelings always trump yours but you seem to be expecting them to realise this without you spelling it out.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/10/2019 20:10

YABU there's nothing wrong with adult children wanting to spend time with their father without the step parent there. as long as you're included with other occasions I don't see the problem.

Original poster
Foxzy · 11/10/2019 20:12

I’ll have a look back for that post to read what was said @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood - it wasn’t me.

I should have expected these responses, step mothers are never given any support.

I’ve spent hours in A&E this week being pumped full of god knows what and just want my husband here to care for me for a change. But yes that’s really unreasonable.

OP posts:
Kanga83 · 11/10/2019 20:14

Really don't see why DH can't spend time with his kids without you tbh and vice versa. They might want some time just with their dad, completely reasonable.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/10/2019 20:18

It's got nothing to do with stepmothers not getting support. This is about children (they are still his children despite being adult) spending time with their Dad.

I adore my Step Dad and Step Mum but still want to spend time with my parents alone. I'd feel the same if my siblings were always there as well.

Surely you've spent time with your parents separately?

TitianaTitsling · 11/10/2019 20:18

The thread @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood references (thought this too!) Was one in which someone didn't want to leave the step DC in the house while the op and DH caught an early flight. Same age 18 and 20 and issue re contact time.

Gatehouse77 · 11/10/2019 20:19

We don’t do everything together as a family. We actively try to do things in various combinations.
Are you saying you’re consistently excluded from this arrangement or on this occasion because you’re ill?

Original poster
Foxzy · 11/10/2019 20:20

Shock - two stepmothers have step children aged 18 and 20 and resent being excluded. Is that so unbelievable in the possibly global audience of mumsnet? I’ll repeat this is my first post on this subject.

OP posts:
MrsDimmond · 11/10/2019 20:21

I think I would feel hurt that dh was choosing to go out instead of looking after you if you are really unwell.

But I don't see it as being specifically a step family issue. It is about your dh choosing not to consider your needs not that he is with his children

Maybe there are wider reaching problems within your family, I don't know.

TitianaTitsling · 11/10/2019 20:21

Maybe they think they are being kind and giving you quiet time to recuperate? How long were you admitted for?

Gatehouse77 · 11/10/2019 20:21

If the issue is that you’re feeling sidelined because on this occasion you feel that your DH should be putting your needs first given the health issues then I absolutely agree with you.

Original poster
Foxzy · 11/10/2019 20:22

I’m regularly excluded but normally it doesn’t bother me. I can do my own thing and haven’t been alone all week. I’m feeling really upset as I could potentially have an attack and he’s more than an hour away. He knows this but still chose to go.

OP posts:
HaveIgoneMad · 11/10/2019 20:23

I love my step mother to bits but I still love spending time with just my dad and I'm well into my 20s. Becoming an adult doesn't mean that you stop loving your parents and want to stop spending time with them, I only stopped going to stay with my dad on 'his weekends' when I had my own children. I'd have been devastated if my step-mum wanted that to stop just because I was legally an adult.
I'm sure they didn't mean to exclude you, and I'm sure it's nothing personal - perhaps they thought you might like the rest after being so poorly? I hope you feel better soon and get some answers.

Purpleartichoke · 11/10/2019 20:23

If you asked if it was reasonable
To need some extra attention and time from your DH this week, the answer would be yes.

But what you asked was if it is ok for him to have a standing appointment with his adult children that does not include you. An entirely different question for which you have gotten the answer.

RedPandaBear · 11/10/2019 20:23

It's all about priorities and just for once you want your DH to put you first. Totally understandable - especially when you are ill.

I hope you feel better soon x

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