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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from my step family

109 replies

Foxzy · 11/10/2019 19:54

Name changed as this could be outing.

I’m feeling a bit low and unwell after several trips to hospital this week, a great pile of drugs and no real idea of what’s wrong. Tests continue. I’ve been alone most of the week (off sick) as DH works full time in London and commutes, only finishing early when it’s his night with the ‘children’. They live a short train ride away.

Despite my stepchildren being old enough to look after themselves (20 and 18) DH has insisted on taking them out tonight for dinner and bowling/cinema. They insist on keeping to the plan arranged for childcare when their parents split 10 years ago. I couldn’t go even if I wanted to, but nevertheless I wasn’t invited and when I asked I was told that the film wasn’t something I’d like anyway.

I’m not well enough to go out myself.

AIBU to feel excluded and resentful.

OP posts:
Kanga83 · 11/10/2019 20:24

Your issue shouldn't be with the step children's night with their dad though. It should be if you've been that sick, husband should have come back sooner to help- and still go out tonight with them as planned.

GunpowderGelatine · 11/10/2019 20:24

I'm sorry you're ill but why should that mean everyone stays in? I probably wouldn't invite a relative who'd been off work sick all week, because
A. I wouldn't want to pressure them into doing something they're not ready for and
B. In case anyone from their work saw them

Your DH sounds like a good dad with a good relationship with his kids!

SingingTunelessly · 11/10/2019 20:25

Sorry you’re not feeling well, sounds like an awful week. I think YANBU that DH should have changed his plans this once to spend the evening with you. The DCs are perfectly old enough to understand the situation they’re not little children. Flowers

BasilGump · 11/10/2019 20:26

Have people actually read the thread?
OP is considerably ill it sounds and still undergoing tests. It is not therefore unreasonable to assume she would need/want her DH with her during this time and not ignoring her needs. It sounds like you do a lot for him OP and it's not being reciprocated. Even if they were your children together most parents would ship them off to an in laws etc to have some time together at the moment. I'm sure if they were you would not be getting these responses.
OP I broke my back in July. It was a horrible summer in hospital and back brace for months. My DH has young children and we kept to the contact time but with a very clear message that Basil is ill and she might not be quite as hands on for the next month or so. We played board games on my bed and when it got too much for me they went out. Sometimes life throws things at you that means a degree of flexibility is needed. The fact they are adults in your situation is relevant because it surely means they understand this and should be making more of an effort to support you, not less.
Can you speak to him and say how you're feeling, say you're really worried, in pain etc and can he see the film in the morning but leave the full contact to further down in the week?
Hope you feel better soon Flowers

Original poster
Foxzy · 11/10/2019 20:29

Thank you so much for those supportive messages. Basil I hope you’re feeling better a broken back sounds horrendous.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2019 20:29

Sorry you’re so poorly OP Flowers

YANBU to want your husband with you and to cancel plans, no matter with whom.

basil I was on your thread a while back, I do hope you’re healing well and your DH has stepped up, properly, to support you. It all sounded grim and I really felt for you.

MollyButton · 11/10/2019 20:31

YANBU that your "D"H should be spending time with you and looking after you (but maybe thats why his children's mother left...)

YABU that the DC shouldn't have alone time with their father without you. My DC all have alone time with their father - and if another woman came on the scene I'd be miffed on their behalf if she was always there on their visits.

pikapikachu · 11/10/2019 20:32

You're not unreasonable to want your h at home looking after you. It sounds serious enough to cancel going out.

Your h is not unreasonable to go out and see his kids without you. It is definitely not unreasonable to stick to the child contact schedule set 10 years ago if it suits both your h and the kids. I suspect you'll get lots of hostility about that comment- I can't see anything wrong with it tbh. My teenagers have the same schedule with regards to seeing their add as 8 years ago and are happy with that.

Original poster
Foxzy · 11/10/2019 20:33

When the ‘children’ are with us they spend most of their time alone with their dad. I am rarely around, except EOW Sunday mornings. They are not lacking in quality dad time.

OP posts:
Crimearino · 11/10/2019 20:35

As someone who's mum never spent any time with my without my stepdad, I can honestly say that you need to give your DP some space with his kids. You should expect to be there all of the time and if you were, the children would start to resent you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and put yourself in the children's shoes.

BlockedandDeleted · 11/10/2019 20:35

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JollyJlly · 11/10/2019 20:37

I think you need to aim your annoyance at your DH not his children.

HeyNotInMyName · 11/10/2019 20:37

In this particular circumstances, I think your DH should have spent the evening with you.
He hasn’t been there during the week when you were really unwell, in hops etc... the least was to spend that evening with you. He couod we’ll have spent another evening with his dcs once you have recovered/during the rest if the weekend.

I think that it’s fair enough for him to spend time with his dc.
But I also think it’s weird if he ONLY spends time with his dcs wo you and you are not invited.
And I wouldnt dream to put the ‘needs’ of adults children to see their parent ahead of the one of my partner who IS ILL (aka it’s a one off, she is unwell whereas they are fine and can wait, THIS TIME) and I haven’t seen for the whole week.
I wouod very much feel like second best and like he didn’t care about my well being I have to say.

pallisers · 11/10/2019 20:39

Nothing wrong with them wanting to catch up/spend time with their dad alone. But on a week where you've been having tests/in and out of hospital, I'd expect your dh to say to them "come over to our place tonight and we'll get takeaway - Fox isn't well and I don't want to leave her on her own". And if they are decent young adults they'll either say "of course. what's the matter with Fox" or say "you know what dad, you stay home - we'll head out with our friends, see you later, give our best to Fox".

I have an 18 year old and a 20 year old who love us dearly and I'm trying to imagine them really wanting to go bowling and the cinema with their dad on a Friday night!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 11/10/2019 20:42

Weird that someone is in exactly the same situation as you.

I'm so supportive of step parents. Mine are amazing. One has been in my life since I was 6, one since I was 18, I can't imagine either of them not being around.

I still wanted time with my mum and dad, and I never meant to exclude anyone by making those plans.

When I'm ill I want to be left alone with whatever I need to hand. Isn't it possible that your DH was being considerate by giving you a nice empty house and Netflix to yourself?

PinkCrayon · 11/10/2019 20:43

After reading the full thread yanbu. You sound very ill and he should be there for you. Not an hour away.

Dollymixture22 · 11/10/2019 20:44

I think it’s natural for them to want to spend time with just their dad, as long as they occasionally include you, and are kind to you when they see you.

You can’t expect to get equal billing with their dad, it will be easier all round if you accept the relationship as is.

On this occasion, I think you want either all of them or just your husband to stay in with you because you are sick. That’s totally reasonable. Tell them. The kids might not feel it’s their role to pamper you (will depend on how they feel about you) p, but your husband should be able to reschedule them if you are sick and need him.

NailsNeedDoing · 11/10/2019 20:44

Saying you're being excluded is like them saying they are being excluded every time you and dh ant to do something just the two of you - it would be unreasonable.

You need to separate the step children from what you're really feeling, which is probably just normal sensitivity and wanting to be cared for considering what you've dealt with this week.

It's difficult for people when the needs of those closest to them conflict, which it seems it has done for your dh tonight. He's just choosing to be a good dad, and presumably felt that if you were ok to be on your own while he was at work, you'd be ok to be on your own for an extra couple of hours.

Original poster
Foxzy · 11/10/2019 20:44

@BlockedandDeleted from a quick search of your posts I can see you’ve commented on another thread where the poster has DD20 and DS18, was that me too!?

a lady on this thread also has children aged 20 and 18, is that me too?

I’m not sure why you think I’m the only person ever to use mumsnet who has had this problem with step children of this age?

OP posts:
Migrainefun · 11/10/2019 20:45

I love spending time with just my mum, my dad changes the dynamic a bit and it's special time for us. I also like spending time just with my dad. If my dad suddenly wanted to invade me and my mums regular shopping trips I would be annoyed.

BlockedandDeleted · 11/10/2019 20:45

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pallisers · 11/10/2019 20:47

If you don't believe her why not just not reply?

Original poster
Foxzy · 11/10/2019 20:51

@BlockedandDeleted your opinion actually means nothing to me, so carry on believing what you want. There’s no point arguing with you.

I think if I wasn’t step mum but mum the opinions would be different.

OP posts:
PennysPocket · 11/10/2019 20:54

My step sons are 32.
EDH has always spent 1 to 1 time with them even when we were together which was only a few years ago.
We did spend sometime as a family but his weekly meet ups with his sons was their quality time.
I am sorry you are feeling unwell OP I hope you recover soon.

Darkstar4855 · 11/10/2019 21:00

YANBU to want your husband to stay at home and take care of you but I find it slightly odd that your complaint is about not being invited. If you are too ill to go then why would you care if you were invited or not? Surely it’s ok for your husband to spend one evening a week doing something with his kids without you? I am a stepmother and would never begrudge my partner having one to one time with his son.

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