Excluded from my step family

[Foxzy]

Name changed as this could be outing.

I’m feeling a bit low and unwell after several trips to hospital this week, a great pile of drugs and no real idea of what’s wrong. Tests continue. I’ve been alone most of the week (off sick) as DH works full time in London and commutes, only finishing early when it’s his night with the ‘children’. They live a short train ride away.

Despite my stepchildren being old enough to look after themselves (20 and 18) DH has insisted on taking them out tonight for dinner and bowling/cinema. They insist on keeping to the plan arranged for childcare when their parents split 10 years ago. I couldn’t go even if I wanted to, but nevertheless I wasn’t invited and when I asked I was told that the film wasn’t something I’d like anyway.

I’m not well enough to go out myself.

AIBU to feel excluded and resentful.

I think if I wasn’t step mum but mum the opinions would be different.

But you would have posted a different question. Your focus would havern on your dh being a thoughtless knob.

I repeat that I would be upset if my dh left me to go out when I was really unwell. But you have conflated 2 issues and chose to put the emphasis on being excluded from events and it being a step family issue.

But you would have posted a different question. Your focus would havern on your dh being a thoughtless knob.

maybe but if her post was dh has dinner with his mum every friday or drinks with his best friend or dinner at his golf club after a game and insisted on going ahead this week people wouldn't be telling her that his mum/best friend/golf buddies are always going to be more important than her and that's the way it is.

Foxzy

The posters who suggest I’m not part of the family unit need to rethink that. Imagine If id said I didn’t feel they were family because they are step children and not my own!! There’d be a war

Totally agree with you!!! I was shocked when i read that.

You asked Aibu for being excluded from your step family, then you go on to talk about having been unwell all week. Your post says you wanted to go to the cinema with them but your DH put you off. Then you go on to complain that your DH has chosen to go to the cinema with his children rather than stay home with you.
If you're well enough to go to the cinema with them in the first place, then you're well enough to stay home alone.
You're very dismissive about your step children. They are, and will always be, your DHs children. I will always be my mothers child, even though I'm almost 60! My DDs are in their late 20s and will always be my children. I'm not surprised they want to see their dad alone, the vibes you're giving off here about how you feel about them must be felt by them ten fold in reality. I'm afraid you sound very high maintenance!

I agree with other posters.
There are two separate issues here.

1. how your dh is treating you post illness 2)the relationship between your dh and his children.

Point one yanbu.
Point two yabu.

Just because someone turns 18 , it does not mean that they stop needing a relationship with their parent, quite often this is the time when they need more help and guidance.

Do not be one of those spiteful, hateful adults who try their best to ruin the relationship between a parent and their child. I have seen this so many times it disgusts me.

How is your dh generally. Does he put himself out for you, or is he quite selfish? I think that is the real issue.

He and his children sound selfish and unpleasant. You are ill, he should be with you not the adult offspring.

If they are too selfish to see that he ought to.

Honestly @BlockedandDeleted read the op. You may pick up a huge clue as to why your comment is not needed on here! Most probably the op changed some details aswell.

I think if I wasn’t step mum but mum the opinions would be different

Of course they would as they would be your children. They are not though. To them it’s likely you are just their dads new wife, that’s how I would see it.

They are his children and always will be. The reality is spouses may come and go but they will always be his family.

If you were too ill to be left alone then surely he wouldn’t have gone to work etc.

As I said above @icecream if I showed that attitude to my stepchildren, I.e they’re just my husband’s kids why should I care? I’d be flamed to death, so why is it ok the other way around?

Because as an adult you actively chose this path in life. They didn’t and just have to put up with the choices their parents made.

Typical response! Step mums are expected to drop everything, adore their step kids and have no opinion because they chose to marry a man with kids. Whereas step kids can be hurtful and spiteful just because they didn’t chose their step parents. It’s life! People separate and kids are not emotionally damaged by their parents marrying again.

Foxzy what would your ideal relationship with the kids look like?

I think ideally you would have wanted your husband to cancel seeing the, this week because you were unwell.

But going forward, I don’t really think you want him to them less, so maybe invite you along every so often?

Or could you try to develop a relationship separately with the children? Take them out to dinner yourself. Or try and find some common ground, and shared interest?

I’m generally happy with the relationship I have with them. They get to spend most of their time (when with us) with him alone and I join them occasionally at weekends. This works for us all. I wouldn’t mind the odd invite to the cinema with them, but I’m not overly bothered as they tend to like different films to me.

I put emphasis on the wrong part in my OP. I was and am more pissed off that he left me when I’m not well (work is essential this was not). I think on this one rare occasion he could have asked them to drop their night and maybe reschedule.

I agree with you. It’s not as if you ask him to cancel them all the time, he could be less rigid with his plans, particularly when you are ill.

HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON

It's a bit laughable how many of these comments are explaining at length why it is normal for them to want to spend time alone with their dad, this has been one of those "am I reading the same thread?" situations. It's very obvious that that is not a new concept to you.

The point is (very obviously) that you've just had a health scare, it's still ongoing, whatever it is puts you at risk of having an episode, and your husband who has not been around all week doesn't seem to give a shit. He has actively chosen to be over an hour away when he could have very easily invited them over instead, done something much closer to home, or rearranged.

He sounds like a terrible partner.

A bit unfair for posters to imply that DCs are being unkind to ignore the fact OP is ill. They may not know the extent of illness or even that she’s ill at all. It would depend on whether her DH has told them, which sounds doubtful. The reality is, unless they have a very close bond with OP, they are not going to be hugely invested in her health issues and they would follow the lead from their DF, ie if he said to them that he needs to cancel because he needs to be with OP, then it may be likely they would just accept this with no issue. TBH, the issue around this whole situation is DH, and him not caring enough to be with op when she’s ill. There is no expectation on DCs to really have any involvement in what is happening between op and her DH in this regard.

Rather than making it "me or them", could you not tell him that you are feeling pretty shit and would like him to come home early one night just for you? And yes, if he refuses he is being a dick but if you try and separate your needing support from your DH spending time with his kids you might end up with more of a win win.

And you don’t have an automatic right to be accepted as part of a family unit just by default of being a SM. The DCs didn’t choose you, their DF did, so the relationship has to be worked at on both sides, and if that bond or respect isn’t there, then it just isn’t. It may be in a lot of families where there’s a SP, that DCs just want a close relationship with their DP, and they should be allowed to do that without having it forced on them to love and care for another person not of their choosing. It might seem unfair, and a lot of blended families manage to have that family unit with mutual love and respect all round, but that’s often not the case for a multitude of reasons.

maybe but if her post was dh has dinner with his mum every friday or drinks with his best friend or dinner at his golf club after a game and insisted on going ahead this week people wouldn't be telling her that his mum/best friend/golf buddies are always going to be more important than her and that's the way it is.

100% this!

Also for OP there are more supportive forums for step parents out there.

Hheckypeck exactly, but that’s what most people are saying - the step parent thing is totally irrelevant as the issue is that he’s left the op when she’s ill, so would be unfair regardless of whether he’s meeting friend, family etc. Posters are saying that the fact that she is ill and DH isn’t with her then she is NBU. But there is also a second issue where she is implying she doesn’t agree with him spending time with adult DCs, and for this she is being told she IBU. Both absolutely separate issues.

But there is also a second issue where she is implying she doesn’t agree with him spending time with adult DCs, and for this she is being told she IBU.

I can’t see that she’s implied that at all. And if it were another relative/friend he was seeing I don’t think people would be twisting themselves in knots to say she’s saying things she isn’t.

You only have to go to the step parenting forum to see how many people are waiting to jump in and stick the knife into step mums.

As I said, op doesn’t outright say she doesn’t like it, but the implication is there in the posts in respect of the comments made. There is definite some underlying unhappiness there. The problem is the op bringing the SC into it, when I just can’t see how this is relevant? She seems to say that because the outing was with adult Sc then he should have cancelled. I think the Step parent forum on MN is very supportive mostly, because it’s usually a group of like minded SMs who basically agrees with everything Sm says, so everyone is happy. Anyone else who comments with a perfectly reasonable response which doesn’t align to the SMs feelings are shouted down as being bitter first wives. That’s why I think posts from SMs on AIBU are generally goady because the poster knows they can get very sympathetic responses on SM forum, but choose not to post on there for whatever reason.

Gosh there's a lot of misrepresenting on this thread. Nowhere has the OP said her DH shouldn't ever spend time alone with his adult children. Nowhere has she said that she always wants to tag along. People are either deliberately misunderstanding or wildly projecting their own situations. She's said she'd sometimes like to be invited but it's not essential.

She hasn't said that she should always be prioritised, either as she often leaves the house to allow the SC time alone with their father.

OP I think it's a shame your DH didn't put you first as you're obviously quite poorly. Have you explained to him how you feel. I hope he's apologised.

OP, I was in your situation a few years back: constantly in and out of hospital, and young adult stepchildren that took up a lot of my DH's time. It's tough, and I remember getting very angry about it too.

However, harsh as it is, I had to come to realise that there was Nothing I Could Do About It: I had chosen my relationship with DH; the 'children' had not chosen their dad's DW. All I could do was to take lots of gulps and deep breaths, and to try to Be The Grownup.

Hang in there.

It sounds like you resent your stepchildren and the fact that they have a healthy and loving relationship with their father. Maybe they pick up on this and that’s why you’re sometimes excluded.