Excluded from my step family

[Foxzy]

Name changed as this could be outing.

I’m feeling a bit low and unwell after several trips to hospital this week, a great pile of drugs and no real idea of what’s wrong. Tests continue. I’ve been alone most of the week (off sick) as DH works full time in London and commutes, only finishing early when it’s his night with the ‘children’. They live a short train ride away.

Despite my stepchildren being old enough to look after themselves (20 and 18) DH has insisted on taking them out tonight for dinner and bowling/cinema. They insist on keeping to the plan arranged for childcare when their parents split 10 years ago. I couldn’t go even if I wanted to, but nevertheless I wasn’t invited and when I asked I was told that the film wasn’t something I’d like anyway.

I’m not well enough to go out myself.

AIBU to feel excluded and resentful.

OP, you are right to say that if you were the mum rather than step-mum, opinions would be different -- because it would be a totally different situation where all of you are a family unit.

I'm sorry you're having a rubbish evening, I am too, it must be hard to be alone after you've had medical worries. But YABU. Can you phone a friend or family member to spend time with you? What have you been doing while you've been ill during the week and your DH has been at work?

I hope your DH is making time for you in his week, and space for you in his heart -- but it's great that he's also doing this for his children and giving them love and consistency.

Sorry but YABU. I hate it when my step mum always comes out with myself and my DD. I like to spend some time with just myself, my DD and my dad.

Sorry you’ve not been well, I hope you get better soon.

I think there are two different issues here. One is that you are being 'excluded' from an event concerning your adult stepchildren. The other is that your dh is leaving you alone when you are unwell and worried. With regard to the former- it would be a bit U to NEVER include you, but occasionally at this age they will wish to pursue their own interests which may not always include you. This could happen with your own grown-up children too - the main difference is that your dh might not have the same commitment to attending their events if they were living with you both and he could see them at any time. With regard to the latter - yes, YANBU on that; he could give you a bit more support than he seems to be doing.

@Foxzy ofcourse if you were the mum the posts would be different. But you're not the mum so you shouldn't expect to always be involved, trust me it's better to let your husband and his children have some space. They would resent your constant presence otherwise. I understand you've been ill and this week your husband should have been with you. But generally, I think it's unreasonable to want to ALWAYS be there.

So sorry you are so ill OP.

I think your DH should have stayed with you, perhapes everyone could have watched a film at home and looked after you a bit.

Leaving you alone when you are still ill is pretty mean I think.

I would also leave this thread to be honest, the minute anyone mentions being a stepmum on here they are automatically pillioried. I have no skin in this game, not being either a step mum, step child or blended family in any way and while this means I can't understand things from one perspective, it does give me some objectivity to see the bias against step mothers.

Do hope you feel better soon.

I really,really wish some of these prior posters would stop seeing the word "Stepmother" and going nuclear and losing their minds! It's completely wrong of your husband to carry on as normal without giving a shit about his current wife-it's cold and selfish and shows how disordered his priorities are-to cancel a Friday night bowlarama and film isn't unreasonable at all for God's sake the children are 18+20 not 8+10. I hope you start feeling better OP and I would have a serious think about the relationship and maybe his previous marriage broke down due to him being a selfish ass!

For those commenting on the children not having anytime alone with their dad, PLEASE read the thread where I say they have almost all of their time when at ours with him alone.

The posters who suggest I’m not part of the family unit need to rethink that. Imagine If id said I didn’t feel they were family because they are step children and not my own!! There’d be a war.

I agree with Humphrey. This thread isn't going to make you feel any better, OP.

Your dh is certainly not teaching his children how to treat your partner/spouse when sick, is he?

I'm sorry you are unwell, but I agree with pps - YABU.

For context, my parents separated and then divorced when I was about 10. From that day until the day he died over 30 years later, the longest time I ever spent alone with him, without his new wife being present, was on my wedding day when he accompanied me to the church and walked me down the aisle. So, about half an hour in total. I would have so loved to have spent time with just him. I feel ridiculously jealous of the child he had with his new wife - they got to spend everyday, every holiday, Christmas and birthday with their/our dad. My other sibling and I didn't have that and honestly, I wish my dad had even one time, told his new wife that he was going to spend tine with us but without her and our half sibling.

OP, biologically you're not part of the same family unit. His relationship with (and responsibility to) his children pre-dates you.

I say this with genuine compassion. I have step-parents on both sides who I adore, but it's different from the relationship that children have their their original parent. And yes, it's significantly harder on the step-parents, and stepping back with grace is really tough at times. I would think twice about marrying somebody with children or any other significant pre-existing commitment because you do always have to live with it.

Do you not have other sources of support that you can call on when your husband is busy?

bananasandwiches - to be fair, your half sibling probably spent most of their time with your dad and your stepmum together, not with just your dad, and you got that experience, too. So what you are really saying is, you wanted to get away from your stepmum and are jealous that your half sibling did not feel their relationship with your dad was ruined by their mother's presence.

Yanbu because if one of his kids were ill and in hospital I’d expect you’d be fine with him wanting to see them extra. It is about give and take and a balance.

Do your step kids given any get well soon wishes or anything? Often this is led by the Dad, he could have suggested something different this time or just skipped for this once. I think it’s worse that you offered to go and he said no. So yes I do think they could still have kept their night out but invited you, you’ve had an awful week.

@bananasandwicheseveryday that’s a skewed balance the other way though isn’t it, totally understandable you wanted some one to one time with your Dad. The OPs DP spends every week with his daughters, she was talking about this one time which I think is fair enough.

Are people really suggesting that two adults, yes adults, can't do one evening without their dad?! Op is really ill and needs her husband for support.

Op says she usually doesn't mind, but for once in 10 years (?) she needs support and people think she's unreasonable! So bizarre.

I’m regularly excluded but normally it doesn’t bother me. I can do my own thing and haven’t been alone all week. I’m feeling really upset as I could potentially have an attack and he’s more than an hour away. He knows this but still chose to go.

Then the issue is nothing to do with the step children and everything to do with your husband. It wouldn't be any better, or worse, for your DH to do that with shared children. The fact they are only his children is irrelevant in this specific situation.

Did you ask him to stay home? He may have been thinking it was better for them to be out from under your feet.

I don't know whether /YABU, because it depends on his motivation. He probably thought he was doing a nice thing and giving you peace and quiet to rest up? You've said yourself you wouldn't be able to go out anyway. Is there a backstory of them leaving you out of things or you feeling excluded though? Context is everything.

I hope you feel better soon Foxzy. It's good that your husband keeps in touch with his children but I think they are old enough to understand why you might have not wanted to spend the evening alone.

I would feel miserable in your situation, given that this is not the only time he spends with his children each week. When you feel better, could you fix a regular Friday night outing with a friend? That way it might not feel so hard when they are out without you.

YANBU at all.

Your DH is being really unkind to leave you alone after being so unwell and still at risk of an attack.

Does he always put you bottom of the pile?

My parents would never have done this to my step parents.

Oh, ok I missed this part, "I’m regularly excluded but normally it doesn’t bother me."

In that case I think you should have asked them/asked him to stay home because you're worried about your condition. I'm guilty of often hoping my partner will choose to do the best thing off his own back, which isn't fair always as I should just communicate what I want if it's important. Is this a bit like that maybe?

Dh and I have been together over 22 years and I’ve never been unwelcome to join in any time spent with his two children in the same way I’m never unwelcome when spending time with our own three. No one has ever been excluded from anything, just depends who wants to go.

The thing is they’re adult children so don’t need to view you as part of their family unit. They have a mother and father and probably don’t need a step parent. Obviously different for younger DCs as they are more dependant on you for care, but once they hit adulthood they’re pretty independent so can spend time with their parents independent of you. It does seem like they don’t really share any sort of bond with you or they would want you there.

Did you ask him to stay in with you?
Ideally he should have wanted to care for you after being worried about you all week.

I think the step kids are a moot point, I assume you both do things without them.

The issue is you are ill and your husband doesn’t seem to give a shit.

The adult children’s feelings must always trump my feelings?

Wait, why do the kids have feelings on your attendance? Do they normally request that you are n out invited and if so why?

GunpowderGelatine

I'm sorry you're ill but why should that mean everyone stays in? I probably wouldn't invite a relative who'd been off work sick all week, because
A. I wouldn't want to pressure them into doing something they're not ready for and
B. In case anyone from their work saw them*

Your DH sounds like a good dad with a good relationship with his kids!

But shes not just a relative is she!? She is his unwell wife.
So yes, maybe he could stay in with her.
Especially considering she has been off work all week, stuck indoors alone, is still very unwell and now he is an hours
(drive?) Away.
I think OP is a bit miffed that not only does her husband not want to stay indoors with her, he also doesn't want her to join them out (even after she showed some interest)