Excluded from my step family

[Foxzy]

Name changed as this could be outing.

I’m feeling a bit low and unwell after several trips to hospital this week, a great pile of drugs and no real idea of what’s wrong. Tests continue. I’ve been alone most of the week (off sick) as DH works full time in London and commutes, only finishing early when it’s his night with the ‘children’. They live a short train ride away.

Despite my stepchildren being old enough to look after themselves (20 and 18) DH has insisted on taking them out tonight for dinner and bowling/cinema. They insist on keeping to the plan arranged for childcare when their parents split 10 years ago. I couldn’t go even if I wanted to, but nevertheless I wasn’t invited and when I asked I was told that the film wasn’t something I’d like anyway.

I’m not well enough to go out myself.

AIBU to feel excluded and resentful.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you! He did very well in the end

If you are REGULARLY excluded (and from one of your updates it seems you are) then I do not think you are being unreasonable at all in the context of being ill, husband has been away all week and his children are adults and could have agreed to watch a film at home all of you or postponed until tomorrow (next week).

Yes absolutely children (regardless of age) need to spend time alone with each parent etc but there has to be exceptions, for example if the "new" wife of the dad is sick and she hasn't seen him in a week. It would maybe be different if they were younger children but at 18 and 20 the odd cancellation/rearrangement won't do them any harm.

Mucho sympathy. I'm a mother and a SM. I wouldn't tolerate rude behaviour from my own DD so I won't have it from SD's. Unfortunately they choose rude behavior, which DH tolerates. I don't see them much, oddly. 🤔

There are two different issues here and posters are posting from their own experience of never having alone time with a parent. That's nothing really to do with the OP as her step DC have regular alone time with their dad.

OP I think your H is being a dick. He should have said that you were ill and wanted to be with you. He didn't. I would feel totally shit in that situation and I'm not a step mum and still have a lot of empathy for you.

Your needs should have come above your Hs wants. It's not the DCs fault, it's your H at fault here.

I agree Fizzy. FWIW mine get plenty of alone time and are also adults. They resent any time with me at all. If this is the case for OP, ain't nobody got time fit that sh#t.

OP YANBU. I had this with an ex (note the ex). He saw his DC one overnight a week and holidays as/when. He and his ex-w were amicable and sensible with Christmas/summer/other holidays and flexible with ad-hoc things (change of shifts/family issues). However I left him as one year we never went anywhere AT ALL. No days out/meals out/weekend breaks - nothing. He spent every spare minute he had going places with his DC.

After I left, we met up for me to collect some stuff and he really couldn’t see my POV. He did apologise but didn’t see why I was upset. Fine, whatever. He thought that it was reasonable to have no relationship with me and do nothing as a couple. He wasn’t like this at the start BTW.

I too don’t understand why they stick to those contact times. The ex I mention above had an older (late teens/20s) DC and they just used to pop round whenever or they’d go for a drink/meal together when they were both free.

It's a DH problem you have there OP. You are unwell so he should be supporting you at this time, especially as his DC are old enough to understand that and would just rearrange their plans.

Yanbu at all. I would feel as though dp didn't care very much about me if he did this. Its not fair that you are regularly excluded, but certainly not fair that he buggers off when you are clearly not very well.

Oh the irony of Blockedanddeleted having her/his messages deleted ...