AIBU re DH's travelling

[SoleParentButNot]

I have come on here because I need to vent and need advice. If I call my DH we are going to end up in an argument again.

Not been having a great year at all. My DH and I are not getting along. We have drifted apart and bicker a lot. Underneath this I love him a lot and he says he loves me. When I have drilled down I think a lot of this comes down to the amount of travelling he does with work. He is head of a global brand and does a lot of long haul travel. A few days ago we had a big heart to heart and said we would both work on our marriage as the alternative is just too painful to bare. We have a lovely family.

Anyway, I've just come back after the school drop. I've logged into our calendar only to find that my DH has a massive amount of travelling coming up. In between now and Christmas he is away 40% of the time. His travel covers 6 weekends (4 Sat and Sundays away and 2 Sundays) out of the 11 to Christmas. A couple of his trips are for 10 days across 2 weekends.

I live miles away from my family so he can be near his job, I've few friends, 3 DC under 10 and a crappy, low paid, uninteresting job 6-hours a week which is all I can get where I live.

I don't want to call him because he gets defensive and then withdraws from me (see drifting apart bit).

AIBU to feel hurt, upset, like I have no life, like he wants to be away from us. I'm just sitting here really upset about this.

Just wanted to add that I've just been offered a job which means I have to work the occasional Sat but how the hell can I if he is not here.

I feel really trapped. If we split up I'd be the one with no money and no job to pay for things because I have literally no one to help me with my 3 DC.

You sound miserable. It's shit that he didn't tell you and you had to look at his calendar. It's also shot that you live somewhere where you're isolated.

Cam you move back? If he's travelling so much anyway, is a long commute such a terrible thing?

How exactly is he planning on 'working on your marriage'?

Your husband is head of a global brand. This involves travel. What do you realistically want him to do? Give up his job? Presumably he is a high earner. Can't you swap your 'crappy, low-paid, uninteresting job' for something more meaningful and life-enhancing: Volunteering, a course? It would give you something to look forward to and perhaps you'd meet new people.

You can't realistically expect him to change, if that is a requirement of his job, but you can easily make changes to your own situation.to improve your lot.

If it’s his job it’s out of his control. My husband travelled 120 nights away one year when my kids were under 4 and my teenage stepsons lived with us. But that was part of his job and it was either that or get another job. Maybe you need to sit down with him, compare diaries, and ask him if he can change his away time or is it possible to change jobs? Be non confrontational.
I live in a different country to my family but if it’s a possibility that you move closer to yours see if that would work. Working in the marriage means compromise in both sides and it looks as if you’ve done more than your share already.

I was going to say the same thing as @OrchidInTheSun. If there is so much travel, is being close to the office as important as it would usually be?

I think you have two choices assuming his job isn’t changing any time soon.

1. Make a life for yourself so you can enjoy some of the time he’s away. Hobby, socialising etc.

1. Tell him you’re too unhappy to carry on as you are and it’s time to split.

Personally that amount of travel would be unacceptable to me without a serious amount of support at home (probably paid for).

Is he a very high earner? Can you get a nanny or similar to support you at home so it’s not just drudgery?

The reality is that those jobs require w lot of travel so he needs to change or you need to accept it.

How old are the kids? A difference if they’re 6/8/9 rather than 1/3/5 for example.

What’s he like when he’s back? Fully involved? Or ‘tired’?

He is head of a global brand and does a lot of long haul travel.

well unless he quits his job and look for a local, low hours, very low paid job, he doesn't have the choice does he. You have to stop taking his travelling personally, it has nothing to do with you. In his kind of business, there is always travel, so unless he retrains and change completely, pay cut included, that cannot change.

He would be a crap dad if he suddenly gave up work, sorry.

Can you afford to have help? Genuine question, could you use a childminder, employ an au-pair, get someone to free a good few hours for you?
You can't change HIS life but you can change your career, what do you need to go where you want?

To be honest, if my DH was calling me to moan about the amount of hours I work and the amount I am travelling, that would piss me off big time. Business trips are not a jolly, even if you entertain clients and the team, it's still work and you do get very bored of hotel rooms.

YABVU. Of course he has to travel extensively, this is his job, what do you expect him to say to his boss? "yes, I understand I'm Global Head but my DW doesn't allow me to travel?"

I'm 100% certain he'd rather not be working away from home as much as well, but that's what he is paid to do. His only alternative is to leave - is that what you'd like him to do? What would the impact be on your family finances?

It’s his job. How much of it is optional? Presumably you and your family unit benefits from his job.

I don’t see work travel as not working on your marriage. Do you want him to get a different job?

Why don't you and the kids arrange to join him on the weekends he's away? You can fly in friday and leave Sunday night. Use some of his air miles/hotel miles to make it affordable.

(If he is working those weekends then he needs to be taking time of in lieu of all the extra working - so he should be on around 8 weeks holiday a year....maybe more.....can you enjoy those times instead? Make sure you actually book to go away so he can't slip back into work mode....)

I travel for work, and it is a pain in the bum. I really don't enjoy it, but its part of my job and its do the travel or leave. Is he fully engaged with the family when he's home?

If the job you've been offered is only occasional Saturdays, then find a babysitter to cover the day - and it would let you book social stuff for yourself generally

If he is working those weekends then he needs to be taking time of in lieu of all the extra working

ahem... you don't work ,do you? In many roles, it does not work like that!

"head of a global brand"

Then he can afford to pay for a full-time nanny and a cleaner, plus a large weekly spend for you to enjoy life and regular activities that don't involve him

If he can't, then ihe has a meaningless title

My DH also travels a lot with work. It’s shit being stuck at home with DC and being unable to work because he’s not reliably available to babysit. But the fact is it’s a compulsory part of his job which pays the mortgage, and he can’t just quit because we’d have no money.

I’m afraid you need to suck it up and focus on building your own life with your DC while DH is away. Or leave him - but your life won’t be any better because instead of having him 60% of the time you’ll have him 0%.

If his job is with a global company and he's clearly quite high up so I don't image travel is optional. You sound so fed up with your life that you're blaming him and his job. This is unfair if his job has always involved this. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Can you not move closer to your family to provide support op? Since he travels so much, would it impact him at all?

Did he have this job when you met? Was he offered it while you were together and did you discuss the implications this would have, especially by having 3 kids? Presumably he is funding the family with this job?

I get that it is shit for you, I would hate it too. How did he suggest he could work on the marriage?

You don't get time off in lieu. You are travelling weekends because a) you're in part of the world which doesn't have sat-sun as the weekend (Middle East) or because you're going so far that you need to recover from jet lag.

It's not the sort of travel where your family can pop out for a visit.

But yes I agree that he should be earning enough for you to throw money at it. You certainly shouldn't be working in a crappy low paid uninteresting job. You can get a nanny through sitters for your occasional Saturday work if that's your dream job.

Op, you need to start building a life for you.
Either move back to be near supportive family or find Saturday childcare for your children and take that job. Assuming your DH is well-paid, childcare is always there if you have the money.
Have a look at Saturday childminders or live-out au pairs.

I had this with my DH and four small DC. He insisted I got a cleaner. That took the worst part of the drudgery away. I also made sure we did something every weekend he was away, whether that was just going to the local soft play, or going back to either set of parents for the weekend. I'd just pack the car with clothes, sleeping bags and snacks and set off as soon as school ended.

It's bloody hard work, but, as PP have said, high up positions give the money but not the time.

It's no consolation now when he says he wouldn't do it now, he's finally realised work comes second to family. At the time he was worried if he didn't go every time his boss would get rid of him and he was the only wage earner. Is this your DH's worry?

You need to a babysitter sorted so you can have a life. I'm guessing he earns good money so pay for a cleaner too.

I'm another one who says that money should not be one of your main concerns. If I were you I'd get a nanny. I would also probably move back nearer to my family. If he is travelling so much, surely he would be able to manage the commute when he is around?

It's crap that you are so miserable but I think you may be blaming your husband for things that are beyond his control.

Because you said your job is rubbish I'm guessing your earnings for a Saturday wouldn't touch what your hubby earns so that's not a possibility in your current circumstances. Not working a Saturday doesn't sound like an option in his role.

Let's say your husband was willing to quit his job because you asked him to and that he was able to get a job locally. (assuming that despite living away from family you don't want to move your kids school). If he jack's his job in and got an average joe job let's assume he leaves home at 8am and gets back at 6pm but he now earns 25k instead of 40/60/150???? so you now need to work full time and use lots of child care, or to work evenings and nights while he works days to cover childcare between you. In short most two parent working families don't get much time together unless they use lots of childcare and that costs highly in money and quality of life.

Do you have a preferred solution because unless you do you are putting your husband under pressure without offering him a solution.

Would the company allow him to step down and be office based in a more junior role. If they would consider this expect his wage to halve or worse (assuming he is currently well paid).

Do you want to move back to your old area. If you do consider doing it now if you can make it work and hubby can come to you when able or look to change job and join you. Doing similar when my husband was in a stressful job elsewhere led to my husband being off sick with stress though so it may not be easy for him.

I think you should accept that your husband's work and absence pays for your lifestyle and change your mindset to give you and your kids the best/happiest life you can. Put energy into their and your friendships/playdates with parents etc and build a good network in your new area. But if that's not what you want make the change and don't drag it out as moving will disrupt yours and your kids friendships and you will all be starting again.

In a perfect world, how would you like to see this resolved OP?

Think about what solution would work perfectly for you, then whether it's possible. Keep re-thinking until you can find a suggestion of how things can work for you both then talk to him. Then you're not taking him problems but possible solutions, which in my experience leads to better conversations and less conflict.

Good luck!

It sounds like relationship counselling would be a very sensible thing to start as soon as possible.

His job requires travel. Possibly he could travel less - sometimes people do say yes to work travel they don't really need to do. But his role is going to require travel and a fairly large amount.

You are clearly unhappy and it sounds like he is as well.
It also sounds like you don't have the right communication tools between you to discuss this yourselves productively hence his defensive withdrawing and your getting upset.
A good counsellor can shepherd you through it.

His work travel is not a rejection of you.
It sounds like you are ground down by daily life. What steps could you take now to lift some of the burden while you work on marriage counselling together? What do you find most difficult - do you feel like you have little time where you are someone other than "mum" ie being a friend or a colleague or a sibling or a wife?

What could you outsource or stop doing to give yourself some time to do what you want?
Regular child care help?
Cleaner?

If you have found a job you really want that involves Saturday work - can you get a regular babysitter? A Nanny or nursery nurse might love an extra day a week of earning. Don't see it as just something from your income - you are paying for it from the joint family income. Your kids can be cared for by people other than you or family members.

Same as with building friendships - make time for it, prioritise yourself for a bit each week and pay for childcare from joint income.

When you have started being able to talk more easily about things, moving to another area could be an option - but this may mean you see him even less than you do now. Also your children are old enough to have opinions about moving too.