AIBU re DH's travelling

[SoleParentButNot]

I have come on here because I need to vent and need advice. If I call my DH we are going to end up in an argument again.

Not been having a great year at all. My DH and I are not getting along. We have drifted apart and bicker a lot. Underneath this I love him a lot and he says he loves me. When I have drilled down I think a lot of this comes down to the amount of travelling he does with work. He is head of a global brand and does a lot of long haul travel. A few days ago we had a big heart to heart and said we would both work on our marriage as the alternative is just too painful to bare. We have a lovely family.

Anyway, I've just come back after the school drop. I've logged into our calendar only to find that my DH has a massive amount of travelling coming up. In between now and Christmas he is away 40% of the time. His travel covers 6 weekends (4 Sat and Sundays away and 2 Sundays) out of the 11 to Christmas. A couple of his trips are for 10 days across 2 weekends.

I live miles away from my family so he can be near his job, I've few friends, 3 DC under 10 and a crappy, low paid, uninteresting job 6-hours a week which is all I can get where I live.

I don't want to call him because he gets defensive and then withdraws from me (see drifting apart bit).

AIBU to feel hurt, upset, like I have no life, like he wants to be away from us. I'm just sitting here really upset about this.

Another who doesn’t understand why, if your DH is working at this level, you can’t afford a babysitter on Saturday’s if this would enable you to take on work you would like. Or, study for a line of work you will enjoy etc.

It sounds to me like you suspect his travel is not necessary or could be more flexible? In which case, either that's true and he's being a dick. or you are expecting too much.

But agree with all the other posters who say that if he's away such a lot, presumably earning good money, you need to have solutions in place that make YOUR life easier. Whether that's domestic help, you and the DC travelling to see friends/family or whatever, only you can decide.

In my case, it would definitely be domestic help - I'd remove all tedious tasks - and probably a regular babysitter/ nanny for set times each week so that I get time off to see friends, pursue hobbies etc. Also money to pay for things that you might enjoy - classes, gym etc.

My husband travels as much as yours, but I don’t mind so much because my two children are both school aged so easier than yours I imagine (am assuming yours are younger), and I also live close to my family and in a relatively central location. Managing my job is a bit tricky, but again, I have school hours to play with (whereas assuming you do not because of need for weekend work) so do two long office days and use childcare, and then work school hours at home. I would definitely look at moving in your position - there is no need for you to prioritise closeness to his work when he is away so much

Certainly if he spends this much time travelling then on the face of it there is no real reason why you need to live so close to his work. You need a conversation about moving somewhere where you can get a more rewarding job and perhaps are closer to your family.

You also need a conversation about whether there is really no alternative to the amount of travelling he is doing - e.g. can he delegate or do more online. He needs to get out of the trap of thinking he is indispensable - if he could manage to take time off if he, you or the children were ill he can manage to factor it in for other purposes. The issue is not just your marriage but, presumably, the fact that he isn't often there for your children - can he get to their parent/teacher consultations, performances, and other big events? If he says he's prepared to work on your marriage, it really has to start with looking long and hard at this issue.

You should be the one to choose where you live, given the lack of support and the fact he's not there anyway. What difference would it make to his life if you all moved nearer to your family?

So two of those trips are 10 days across 2 weekends? Does he actually work on the weekend when he is away? If not, that looks like a bit like a free weekend(s) to himself sightseeing or seeing someone. To actually get in both weekends in 10 days is: Friday, Sat, Sun, Mon-Fri, Sat, Sun OR Sat, Sun, Mon-Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon

Many people travel late on a Sunday and return on a Friday night. Why couldnt he skype the very short bit and travel at the end of that weekend. I have travelled a lot and that pattern is odd.

there is no need for you to prioritise closeness to his work when he is away so much

100%. This seems like a big one that would help improve your quality of life significantly, whether or not he's on a salary meaning you can afford cleaners, babysitters etc as suggested before (which are good ideas if the issue isn't specifically him being away, but more the impacts that has on day to day life).

I must say it does sound miserable though. I could cope with, but wouldn't want to cope with, a partner being away so much!

I think if he's away that much he needs to finance enough support to make up for his lack of help. Or move near your family as he's never there to worry about the commute to work. So, cleaner and babysitters. Activities you enjoy when he's not there. It sounds lonely and that never good for a marriage.

If he's head of global brand with that much travel (and companies don't like paying for lots of travel these days) then he must be pulling in a salary that would afford you the option do more with your time when he's not there, find something that interests you, get a Nanny and move? If he can travel that often surely he can WFH some days when he's travelling and have a larger commute when needed in the office?

It's hard to tell if he is being unreasonable or not tbh.

I work in a field which often involves travelling and have done a fair whack of it myself so I get the necessity. But there are also some people I work with who seem to travel more than might actually be necessary- either trips which maybe don't need to happen at all or which could easily be delegated. The people I have known like this have all been men with families at home.

Only he will really know whether all of the travel is actually necessary or whether he has the scope to reduce it. But I have seen both situations so I don't leap straight to ",it's his job he must go" because in my experience its not always the case

when he's not travelling

Head of a global brand, travelling a lot he's got to be on a decent salary. To make it work you need to buy in childcare. You're not the skivvy to pick up life at home.

I personally found I had more of a social life and life is a lot easier when Dp is away.

My late father worked abroad a lot during the latter part of his career. I was 15 when he first went overseas but , but my brother was only 5 when this started, and I left home at 19. Sometimes he was only in Europe and came home most weekends, but he had long spells away (up to 6 months at a time) in Canada, US and Middle East.

DM got really used to it, to the point that when he was working in the UK prior to the next project starting, it really messed up her routine having him home every evening and weekend. And when he retired, and was home all the time, she found it really tough (she used to complain that he "kept wanting lunch, the bastard" ).

She'd grown so used to doing her own thing for the best part of 30 years that she never really adjusted to having to take someone else into account.

I think a nanny or au pair would make a big difference, OP. Less drudgery, more freedom, and more opportunity to find some interesting work.

If your DH's job is genuinely so important and it's essential that he travel - then presumably he is well-paid also? So hire in help via a cleaner and a nanny or au-pair? Then you can go do the more exciting job on the weekends (by having a weekend nanny).

It doesn't make sense to not buy in help and live as though your family income is very low AND simultaneously have to put up with him being away all the time.

Unless he's not actually all that senior, and not that essential, and he's just using the travelling as an excuse to cop out of family life.

LakieLady I do wonder if he did retire what would happen to us.

I am not used to having anyone around most of the time.

He does mess up my schedule when he is at home.

He was off sick for a year, in and out of hospital. It did make me worried for the future.

Instead of sitting at home and moaning get out and about, join a gym and go for spa days, you will make friends there. If your children are pre-school then get a nanny to help out. What would you like to do OP? You could retrain. A friend of mine has recently completed a professional photography course now she is setting herself up to be a wedding photographer. You could do this or something you are interested in. When you are at home and isolated it is easy to get depressed and clingy. Make the effort to get out and about. Do some volunteering and meet new people. Just because your dh works away a lot it does not mean he likes belong away from his family. He does it to earn money, that you can all enjoy spending.

If your husband is a head of a global brand then he must be a high earner. But it sounds like you're living the life of a single parent on low pay.

Sorry to digress from the thread but she really doesn't. Single parents aren't financially supported by high-earning spouses. They are the sole providers for themselves and their children (aside from child maintenance if they get it or a solid co-parenting arrangement).

Back to the topic: OP, you could end up a single parent (you never know!), so it is important you remain in work or in training in the event of this happening. It will also be good for your sanity and self-confidence.

I don’t understand, why does he need to be away for whole weekends too? It might me something for him to travel on a late Sunday afternoon for a Monday morning start, but why is both Saturday and Sunday out?

What are the ages of the children?

How far away from your family do you live?

And most importantly, would they actually be able to commit to helping?

Spa days my arse.

Why do people always suggest spa days as though they are some sort of panacea?

On that sort of salary get a cleaner, nanny, au pair, send the ironing out, babysitter if you want to work Saturdays.

There is no way you should be unhappy in a crap job if you have plenty of money coming in - what is the point of martyring yourself?

spongedog if he's a head of a global brand then he might have a sequence of meetings in different countries where he could either take an 8 to 10 hour trip home for a weekend and then fly straight back to roughly the same part of the world and exhaust himself in the process or stay in the region to pick up the next set of meetings when the work week begins. I'm not the head of a global brand but in my organisation they don't expect us to do back to back long haul on consecutive days just to stop us having a weekend away. And typically we are expected to work over the weekend too - and at his level I'd guess he has to as well.

If I were you I’d very much need my own life so that I could enjoy time with him when he’s here but not just be waiting for that.
If need to live in a place where I could have rewarding work and friendships and I’d need childcare to enable me to pursue work and friendships.
So moving house would be my suggestion.

You have to accept the work he does is also contributing and being part of a team with you.

Do you think he likes to be away? If you really think he likes this, then maybe try and uncover why, is it your insecurities, is it him?

Then if you realize that no, he doesn’t like to be away however this is just part of the compromise, then back him up. Don’t wait for the calendar, have a rough idea a good few months in advance.

If it means you are under a lot of strain with the kids, talk to him about having more help, if you financially or can, like relatives helping, cleaner, childminding. You may need to get out yourself on those weekends sometimes just you, get a babysitter and build up your own support network.

I’ve spent years as a single parent and also have a DP who is away a lot and works until 8pm each night so the complete burden of kids falls to me. I cannot change this as much as I’d like to.

It might me something for him to travel on a late Sunday afternoon for a Monday morning start, but why is both Saturday and Sunday out?

That;s all been explained upthread. Saturday/Sunday aren't the weekend in the Middle East. That's Friday and Saturday. If you're jetting off to Hong Kong / Sydney / Tokyo you are not on top of your game if you take a flight from the UK on a Sunday to arrive in time to go straight to the office on a Monday morning. Global travel. Not popping over to Berlin or Paris.

Also the whole "I feel he doesn't want to spend time with us" - he's probably thinking "I have to do this to provide for my family". Pay the mortgage, put food on the table.

OP I think you need to look at changes YOU can make. His role is not going to change. However, even with three kids under 10 there is lots you could get involved with to build a life for yourself and keep you interested. Rather than just sitting about wondering when he'll be home. Schools, playgroups, voluntary work, whatever. Doesn't have to be paid work.