AIBU re DH's travelling

[SoleParentButNot]

I have come on here because I need to vent and need advice. If I call my DH we are going to end up in an argument again.

Not been having a great year at all. My DH and I are not getting along. We have drifted apart and bicker a lot. Underneath this I love him a lot and he says he loves me. When I have drilled down I think a lot of this comes down to the amount of travelling he does with work. He is head of a global brand and does a lot of long haul travel. A few days ago we had a big heart to heart and said we would both work on our marriage as the alternative is just too painful to bare. We have a lovely family.

Anyway, I've just come back after the school drop. I've logged into our calendar only to find that my DH has a massive amount of travelling coming up. In between now and Christmas he is away 40% of the time. His travel covers 6 weekends (4 Sat and Sundays away and 2 Sundays) out of the 11 to Christmas. A couple of his trips are for 10 days across 2 weekends.

I live miles away from my family so he can be near his job, I've few friends, 3 DC under 10 and a crappy, low paid, uninteresting job 6-hours a week which is all I can get where I live.

I don't want to call him because he gets defensive and then withdraws from me (see drifting apart bit).

AIBU to feel hurt, upset, like I have no life, like he wants to be away from us. I'm just sitting here really upset about this.

I wouldn’t have married my DH if he had to work away often. He has the odd night away with work and I hate it, he knows this and it just wouldn’t work if he were away a lot. I completely understand your resentment.

I think you need to be open with him about it and explain you feel it is destroying your marriage. As an aside, could you perhaps do an open uni degree with a view to better career opportunities for yourself?

Op could you move back near your support network- if this travel is what the future looks like? When he is home does he work long hours also?

I think that you need to talk to him and have Saturday childcare as a part of your household budget so that you can work.

I think that it's unreasonable to be angry about the travelling as it's work not pleasure. (I say this as someone who has 3 under 5 and a husband who worked 3/4 days a week abroad)

Is where you're from near an airport? As he's away so much, can he commute to the office and travel overseas from the airport near your family? If the current situation is causing resentment then more of the current situation isn't going to help your relationship.

Is moving before your eldest starts secondary an option?

I live miles away from my family so he can be near his job, I've few friends, 3 DC under 10 and a crappy, low paid, uninteresting job 6-hours a week which is all I can get where I live.

But his job is overseas, so why does it matter where you live? Is moving a possibility? Then you could be near the family and find a more interesting job. If you have to sell a house, could you rent a place near family in the short term? It might take a while to accomplish, but it would give you something to aim for. Much better than splitting up.

If he is away so much of the time do you have to live away from your support network?

Is there a 3rd way with him working away Monday - Friday and you near family. Does he really have to work so many weekends? Is that Trade shows or travelling?

Could you take the job you have been offered.
If your husband is head of global company could you maybe afford a nanny for the Saturdays you are both working ?

You need to sit down with his schedule and see how you can make things work for you.

With that kind of a job title he must be brining in decent money. I assume you have access to that money? (If not then you might has well go it alone you would likely have much more access to funds!) so quit the job you obviously resent, think about what you would like to do with your time. It's coming up to Christmas - book in some activities for the kids. Go see friends and relatives - do you have the option of a base in your home town - your parents perhaps? If so make use of it. Book trips to the Panto and other Christmassy stuff. If he's home book him a ticket and add it to the calendar. If hes not home let him see what he's missing.

You need to sort our your own life separelty from him. If your kids are all in school do some stuff during the day volunteer somewhere busy if work is difficult. Find yourself a reliable babysitter and get out in the evenings - join the WI or a running club or whatever is your thing. Doing this will boost your self esteme/worth /confidence. And will either lead to him seeing what he is missing and adjust his schedule or will make you confident enough to go it alone.

Go for it!!

Sorry lots of messages saying move near family that weren't there when I started typing but looks as if a few of us are suggesting the same thing.

I can see both sides of this, but my own experience certainly colours my view. My husband had an Important Job, and whilst it had benefits for the family (no financial worries, stability), and for him (he liked and was good at the job, derived a lot of self-esteem from it) there were disadvantages. His job trumped everything else, and he was defensive when the disadvantages were pointed out. In retrospect, we both worshipped the great god of Work, and whilst that isn't the only reason, his relationships with our children, and our own relationship, suffered.

What I now realise, however, is that I resented the fact that his needs trumped all others, including mine, because of the Important Job. We could have managed on less, but I enjoyed the benefits of the money, and I have long felt conflicted (not least because we BOTH thought work was important) about the reasonableness of talking about our priorities, and my resentment and anger at moving around to accommodate his work, and about how I just had to fit in to what became increasingly his agenda, rather than our agenda.

I don't have answers, but I guess if you confront, he will get more entrenched, and you risk becoming more unhappy and resentful. The better course (I wish I'd known this at the time) might be to work out (perhaps some therapy? It would in my view be money well spent) what your feelings are: resentment? loneliness? lack of fulfillment? helplessness? and then to think about the way to have a constructive series of talks about what you both want, and how, if at all, that can be achieved.

It would take both of you to have those constructive talks, I appreciate, but if you both want things to get better, change is possible.

You need counselling because it’s not working, talking it out together.

He can’t change the travel in this job (although fair point raised above that some people travel more than they need to).

But he can change job.

You need to decide what’s more important to each of you.

I turned down a massive promotion and lots of money for a job that would have had me away M-F every week. I do travel, but EOW. I won’t do it every week for any money, because of my child. Other colleagues with children do - mostly men, but I’ve met two women who do, too.

You need to be realistic. If you want the money, you’ll have to put up with the travel - but possibly not as much, in another role. If you’d rather have him home more - give up the money. If he won’t do that - you may need to divorce him.

I really think you need independent support to talk about this.

Your dh has a global job. If his company’s year is calendar year then the next three months are key to achieving their numbers and protecting everyone’s jobs. Whether Brexit happens or not, the work load at the moment is huge.
Global jobs usually pay very well because they take a lot of personal time.
Would your dh be happy with a smaller job? Would you be happy with a reduced income? Because if he changes role, that’s what it means.
Better to look at a nanny, and moving somewhere near your family that also has an international airport.

On your job...
I don’t think that you should just not work, because of the money from his salary.
You might WANT to, and it’s certainly good to stay employed if you do NEED a job later.
But I’d question why you would do 6 hours on a Saturday, in a job you describe as crappy, when it’s not for the money.

Study or volunteer in something less crappy (if there are no paid options). If you want a career, get a nanny - and work more hours and start building it.

You need to start out by thinking about what YOU want.

I have only skim read.

Short term how would you feel about an AP? Someone that could provide childcare and some company. It means you could build yourself more of a life via a different job and regular hobby.

Longer term it's about whether or not this job works for you as a family.

I did a lot of travelling last year because of global role and certain projects. While I had some say about the schedule, the trips had to be done. Honestly it was challenging enough, so I feel lucky now that DH was supporting me, and not complaining about it.

What would you like him to do? Do you think he travels unnecessarily just to be away from the family? Does he insist that you live where you do, can you re-locate if the current place makes you miserable and does not have opportunities?

I had a 2 year old and a newborn.

Dp has always travelled with work 50% each month.

I don’t have any family and we had just moved to a new area

If he is head of a global brand then surely he must be earning enough for you to either give up your job or do something else that you enjoy.

I personally found I had more of a social life and life is a lot easier when Dp is away.

What is he like when he is home?

40% away until Xmas is 60% home - and you like hear his work, so no long commute?
My VERY senior managers travel a lot - but when they’re home, they do not stay in the office until all hours.

I think if your husband was present in the 60%, and being a good husband and father at those times, the 40% wouldn’t be so bad.

Wow.. I had no idea that once a Man gets a Very Important Job he is then obliged to stay in it and always capitulate to it over what he family needs! Apparently the only alternative to a Very Important Job is cleaning toilets in McD's for minimal wage! So many things I'm learning..

Such a lot of shit some of you spout. His family should be coming first, not his bloody job. If he wants to work on his marriage then he either needs to learn to delegate his job (as the head of an international brand he should definitely have underlings that can do some of this travel/meetings/business) or find another job that doesn't involve as much travel.

OP you have my sympathy, that much travel would be unacceptable to me as well and it's not okay that he doesn't discuss with you and actually have conversations about something that's clearly affecting your marriage. I would also suggest you relocate your family back to your support network where you won't feel so alone if he won't cut back his travel time. He can just deal with the commute because apparently you have to deal with the knock-on effects of his VIJob.

Hi OP

If your husband is a head of a global brand then he must be a high earner. But it sounds like you're living the life of a single parent on low pay.

Could you move closer to your family? I dont see the point of you being isolated if he is abroad half the time.

My husband travels not as much as you and it does put strain on things. It's the attitude as much as anything- I would never say 'no' but it winds me up when he just says 'I'll be away on these dates', and doesnt acknowledge that my workload doubles. I'd feel so much better if he said 'please can you look after the kids that week, I've got to to away' or 'I have to visit x country and this time I have some say around dates, which week is best for you'. Its the just assuming that you'll pick up the slack that's annoying. Maybe you can have this conversation with him?

He needs to communicate better with you, there is no excuse for not telling you but equally you cant be defensive either. Not easy I know.

Lastly why are you doing it all yourself? Cant you get a nanny? Negotiate working the odd saturday with time off in lieu and double pay that day or something. Then study or whatever and get a better job. Or do whatever you want to do around the kids - volunteer, exercise, learn something new etc

Babysitters? There are plenty of lovely ones out there. Then get a job/hobby that fills your time productively so you don't feel life's leaving you behind.

My boss travels extensively. His assistant liaises with his wife and works around family commitments (e.g. are they coming home from holiday on the Saturday or Sunday? Impacts whether he can travel to Asia Sunday evening for work...)

His wife knows his work schedule mainly via the assistant. They both coordinate to ensure he has a reasonable life work balance.

His wife makes sure all holidays are planned and booked well in advance and they are set in stone in his work diary (obviously she is careful about time periods in the year).

Could you sit down with your DH and plan dome weekends and holidays to look forward to?

What do you WANT to happen? It's all very well complaining but you've not said what you would like him to do. In fact, you give the impression it's his choice to be doing all this travelling.

If he has such a senior job I imagine you have the benefit of his income. You've had some good advice on here about making a life for yourself in his absence - volunteering, hobbies, social life etc. Surely you could find something meaningful to do rather than sitting at home feeling resentful that his work demands are what they are?

Au pair? Then you could look into taking that job that means some Saturdays working?

My dh has a job paying a little less than 100k because he doesn’t want a job, where he travels so that means not being in the level he could be. He has many years of experience behind him btw.

Like others, I assume your dh has a very well paid job so you need to use those funds to better your lifestyle. As he’s in work only 60% of the time, is living near the company the best choice?

If it's as part of his job, though, what do you think he can do about it? My own dh is away maybe 70% of the time for his work - it's just the way it is. He could of course change careers, but so farthis works for us an is managable. However, you are obviously struggling - you need to talk to him, and you both need to decide what's going to happen. The likelihood is if you were to divorce, he'd likely not ever have them 40% of the time as he works so much, so you'd be even more alone.

"If your husband is a head of a global brand then he must be a high earner. But it sounds like you're living the life of a single parent on low pay."
This.
What would make your life easier? A part time nanny? Cleaner, Gardener?
I think you should try for the job and get childcare for the days he is away. You may need a job in future and its good to keep your hand in.
Or consider as others have said volunteering/courses etc.
At the same time.. does he really have to do that many weekends? Can't he flag this up at work and ask for the policy to be that travel should be Mon-Friday where possible. If he's high up, he's got the clout to get that on the table. Apart from anything else, his company is wearing one of their best employees out. Does he get a car to and from the airport to speed up getting home?