AIBU re DH's travelling

[SoleParentButNot]

I have come on here because I need to vent and need advice. If I call my DH we are going to end up in an argument again.

Not been having a great year at all. My DH and I are not getting along. We have drifted apart and bicker a lot. Underneath this I love him a lot and he says he loves me. When I have drilled down I think a lot of this comes down to the amount of travelling he does with work. He is head of a global brand and does a lot of long haul travel. A few days ago we had a big heart to heart and said we would both work on our marriage as the alternative is just too painful to bare. We have a lovely family.

Anyway, I've just come back after the school drop. I've logged into our calendar only to find that my DH has a massive amount of travelling coming up. In between now and Christmas he is away 40% of the time. His travel covers 6 weekends (4 Sat and Sundays away and 2 Sundays) out of the 11 to Christmas. A couple of his trips are for 10 days across 2 weekends.

I live miles away from my family so he can be near his job, I've few friends, 3 DC under 10 and a crappy, low paid, uninteresting job 6-hours a week which is all I can get where I live.

I don't want to call him because he gets defensive and then withdraws from me (see drifting apart bit).

AIBU to feel hurt, upset, like I have no life, like he wants to be away from us. I'm just sitting here really upset about this.

There are two questions to ask here - would you be OK with his job if you had the right help and support? And does he recognise that his ability to do the job is dependent on you?

If you're both happy with him doing it, but need to get a hold of arrangements, then he needs to throw money at the issue. If he's HofD for a global firm and travelling long haul then his income must be decent - in which case a cleaner and a nanny are a must for you. He also needs to understand that with a young family, 'nice to have' trips need to be declined and that travel should only be essential.

Finally, if you've moved away from your family and support network, then move back. Where you live for his job is irrelevant if he's spending most of his time abroad - so it's more important that your home is located somewhere that works for you rather than him.

Why do people always suggest spa days as though they are some sort of panacea?

To be fair, complaining about posters who suggest spa days has become so ubiquitous it has become the new suggesting spa days

Yanbu op. You need to take this job and get some help with the children to enable this.
It sounds really difficult right now.
When he is home go and see some of your friends for a night or two. You deserve a break.

I do feel sorry for you.

In your place I would take the more interesting job and make child care arrangements for the Saturdays you will be working. There must be someone not too far away who is suitably experienced with children and willing to work on a Saturday, ask around and look online. You'd be surprised! Other than that, look for a different job altogether and hire a nanny. It would be worth it.

I hope your marriage works out, op, it sounds good in many ways. You're not alone having a husband who works away a lot, just make the most of the time you do have together as a family and try to fill the rest of the time with something that interests you. It's attainable.

I totally understand why you are upset, it's hard when DPs have to go away so often. But if it's his job then you need to find a way to deal with it. My DH worked abroad constantly before our DS was born, often away for three months or so at a time. We knew this wouldn't be practical once we had DC, and once we had our DS he looked for other jobs in his company with a lot less travel. He now travels approx once a month for about a week at a time which is much more manageable. Are there any opportunities open to your husband in the company, or in his field of work at all which he might be open to applying to to try and reduce travel?

I appreciate that might not be possible, but if it's affecting your marriage and you feel isolated at home then something needs to change. Weekends are the worst when DP goes away, so I have a lot of sympathy for you if he's away for a lot of weekends.

Another vote for him funding extra help for you! Decide what you want e.g. childcare help, cleaner etc. and ask him to support you. It may not have occurred to him, so he won't know unless you tell him.

Must be very lonely for you and I can see frustrating but it's not his fault he has to travel with his job, a job that is funding the family. I assume they're no financial issue between the 2 of you so yes look into a cleaner and babysitters.

Hi, I could have written your post a year ago. This is what we did to help things for us as my hubby travels abroad a lot and I am left a lot of the time on my own with kids. Trying to hold down a full time job etc too my side.

1. Literally put everything into an online diary , so your hair appt, your kids dentist appt, his trip to wherever is literally logged and every week you update when necessary for weeks, months in advance. If he cannot make an appointment you discuss why and who is going to do what as a result? This really helped us , my dh will note now he hadn't realised that I was doing so much. Now I still do most of it, but at least he is aware that when he is away that life is very busy with kids etc. Plus it gave us a clear map too of where we needed some help. I discovered when I asked around a neighbour was able to share a sports run with me and that really helped.

1. When he is home, you do a large shop and batch cook some dinners and have him literally help you peel the spuds! This helps for the days your wrecked and too tired to cook to have freezer dinners, it also helps him realise the time your spending at the sink! Its not that you need points up on him, but sometimes our hubbies just don't see what you do. But I found too getting him to help with some dinners he felt too that he was helping for when he was away.

1. Be positive with him about the trips away, he hates them I bet and its no fun sitting on a plane or miles away from home and missing you all. Unfortunately its the norm for a lot of families. I had to do one long haul trip recently on my own and I got a really different perspective of the sacrifies too my husband was making.

1. Have him more engaged with kids when away, I found my kids started not to pass any heed that Daddy was away places and when he started ringing when it was homework time or bed time they told him more and looked forward to it.

1. Organise at least one night a month or two months, (the weekly date thing never worked or works for us) and go even for a walk together and plan a few things together as a family.

1. This for me was the biggy, stop wanting him to make you happy. I was resenting his life and not enjoying my own. I am healthy and have a roof over my head and children who are kind and lovely to be with. So although Daddy is not always around, I started to feel better that I was doing a good job when I stopped wanting him here so that he could see all I do. He actually knows all I do and I bet your husband does too but its just about communicating it calmly. No saint on that score here but it does work better between us too when we did the diary, spoke calmly and asked each other to realise what needs doing and who does what and where we can help each other out when both around. You might be able to get someone to mind the kids on a SAT so you could work ???

1. Organisation is the key I find, so try to get all done and allow a good hour for yourself in the evening to watch TV when kids in bed . When my DH is gone for a month or so I stock up on all the boxsets he won't watch and enjoy having the TV to myself. Also call him before you go to bed.

1. Get out everyday be it with kids or yourself and get fresh air and enjoy doing that and not be in the house all the time as I tended to do when he away and that makes you feel worse.

The weekends are the hardest , I find them even still hard, but as my kids are getting older we decide on cinema, pizza night etc. Maybe an odd time you could even go to his location some weekend with the kids and all spend time together in the evening. There are lots of small ways you could get yourselves back on track. The love is still there and thats the main ingredient, you will find with a bit more support with each other the other things will fall into place.

Best of luck!

My family live 4 hours away. He wouldn't be able to commute from there. I want to go back to work properly now as I don't want to be unemployable and I don't want to be dependent on him always. I feel very vulnerable.

He travels a lot but some of it is in the UK too. He had a very glamorous lifestyle. 2 nights in a 5-star hotel in a London before Christmas for an international works meeting and a 3 night stay shooting with clients. In comparison my life is ironing his shirts, soaking his dirty undies,, cooking, cleaning and chores and sitting alone after DC are in bed. I'm so desperately lonely. When he's here he's knackered, he never wants to go out and lately we are bickering. I used to be so glamorous and now I don't bother as I'm not going anywhere.

Feeling really low and shitty.

I had the same, OP.

Firstly, do you get any me-time at all? This is essential. You need at lest a couple of mornings/afternoons a week to yourself.

Secondly, if he's a high earner, use some of that income to make life easier eg cleaner, nursery sessions for little ones.

If he's not a high earner & it's not enough to facilitate these things - then it's just you sacrificing yourself for his job. I wouldn't be up for that.

I’m assuming you work for your own well being rather than needing the money so maybe get a nanny like others have suggested.

Sorry for assuming your DH is on megabucks if he’s not but it’s natural to infer this if he is the head of a Global Brand.

We have had a similar set up for years.
It is also worth noting there was a period with lots of travel and a fancy job title but not oddles of money, comfortable but not more.

Yes it can get frustrating they are WhatsApping pictures of luxury hotels and fancy hotel food while you are scrapping baby mush from the kitchen floor or trying to get toddlers to eat veggies for the 100th time.

Things that helped, having a challenging and rewarding job I enjoyed. I could only balance part time but even 3 days made a difference.
Focusing on the fact I wanted the dc and was getting to spend time with them.
Things I took too long to sort out but finally managed, getting a cleaner and gardener, a gym with a crèche and a babysitting service so I wasn't always on lock down at home.

If you want to change your life you have to be the person to do it. Look at what you want your life to be and plan for that, don't make your dh integral to that, just have him as a pleasant part time add on.

There's no right or wrong way for couples and families to arrange their lives, but you don't have to 'be grateful' if the way you currently live is not the interpretation of family and working life that satisfies you and meets your needs. Your DH has to talk to you properly about this - how he feels about his job, how he sees the next couple of decades panning out, whether he acknowledges that you have the right to a meaningful career too, and what steps he might take to facilitate this. You are not there to keep the family going while facilitating his career if it's not what you want to do - it is not a fair expectation to put on someone. There needs to be consensus about how life is arranged.

If you did split up would you stay where you are now?
He can't commute but I know lots of people who do not live together in the week - or indeed for a long periods. It's not easy of course but now isn't working.

@SoleParentButNot I completely feel for you.

I have three children, 3, 5 and 8. My husband travels a similar amount and I have found it very challenging but after almost three years there are a couple of things that I have found help me manage it.

1. I have a childminder on two days a week. One of those I use to get house stuff done that id prefer not to do with a toddler hanging off me.

The second day is my weekend. My day for me and I go shopping / to a cafe for brunch with a book or for a trip to meet a friend or family. (My family are two hours away)

1. I opened up to my friends about how sometimes I found it really hard. On the longer trips which include a weekend I either go to one of them for a dinner or brunch or I go to my parents. This has been brilliant and I'd second the previous poster who said to make a plan on the weekends on your own.

1. I looked at when there are kids eat free or early bird menus near us and when I'm having a bad day and can't face another blooming dinner on my own which no one will eat, we do this instead.

My youngest has just started Playschool for three mornings a week so I'm changing the childminder duties now to include cleaning and making a dinner twice a week. All shirts and bedlinen go to the launderette.

That's all really helped my mental health as I found I was getting very low and resentful as I once had a decent job. I'm now feeling a lot more positive and capable and I think this has really helped our relationship at home. I am also now taking on the odd bit of work if it comes my way.

Sorry this is so long. I hope it helps. Think about your pressure points and then plan to alleviate those.

(And to bribe all mine to get out for school on time I have been known to wake them up and say if they are dressed in 20 mins we will have our breakfast out. They love that and it means I get a decent coffee rather than exploding in anger!)

Sorry this is so long. Good luck.

But there are also some people I work with who seem to travel more than might actually be necessary- either trips which maybe don't need to happen at all or which could easily be delegated. The people I have known like this have all been men with families at home.

Ah yes, I knew someone like this. This company was very family friendly and most people did their 7.5 hours and cleared off at 4:30. This guy however thought he was super important and that everyone relied on him - he was there past 6 every day. When a client said "It would be nice to have this by today, but not that important" - while everyone else would see how they got on till 5pm then leave it, he would stay till 7pm and make everyone else stay late too, to send off some minor document.

Even senior management told him to stop replying to clients after 5pm and go home, as he wasn't being helpful and they were getting more demanding. It was bizarre. He also said that at his last job, he was always the last one in the office.

Guess what - he has a stay-at-home wife and 2 small kids. Methinks he just finds his kids annoying and wants to avoid them.

@HC4U

I'm going to nab some of your tips there too! Thanks!

So something has to give.

Realistically, what can be done?
If you had a nanny, would that help? If you moved even an hour closer to to you family, would that help?
Would getting a flat in your family's home town help?
A childminder and a nine to five job?
He changes his job?

I reckon you need a list of things you think would help and a list of things he thinks would help and strat discussing ftiff from there.

It sounds lonely and tough.

I know this isn't helpful OP, but I look at how trapped you are by your children and just ask were the three of them planned? If yes, why? Why would any woman chose this? Your DH nerds to know how unhappy you are, and you need help to have a life of your own through engaging a nanny/au pair/child care so that you can enjoy some you time learning a new skill,training, working, volunteering,developing yourself, developing friendships.

If my husband were head of a global brand and travelled that much I would say the budget must provide childcare so I can work and have the free time he’s not giving me, plus a cleaner. If it doesn’t pay enough for that he’d be job hunting.

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin THANK YOU for great idea re. early morning breakfast. I am definitely going to try that. I am like a demented cat roaring in the mornings!!

I second the laundry outsourcing - I do that with the sheets and large items too.

Its definitely not easy when hubby is away but it is easier when you have clear plans in place and time away for yourself.

Good luck everyone! Love the breakfast morning treat idea!!

I think YABVU! Travelling comes with the territory of this kind of job. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment as your life seems to be on hold because of the children.

But commuting is irrelevant if he is spending huge quantities of time travelling, because he's not really office-based is he? He can't have it both ways - an easy commute to the nearest office plus his wife and family far away from other support whilst he travels.

If he travels a lot then his job will be flexible in terms of 'day to day' location, which means that you can - and should - move house.

Money needs to feature here as well; buy in help. Get a cleaner, a nanny and send your laundry/ironing out. Free up as much time as possible so that you can spend your time doing nice things with the kids, and also to have some time for yourself - to work, to go to the gym, see friends etc.

If your H balks at any of this then that tells you that he doesn't care about how you feel as long as you are at home and providing 24/7 childcare and housework so that he can jet off when he wants to - and your next step should be to find a good lawyer and file for divorce.

I think both the op and her DH must be miserable, it's a setup that only works if everyone's on board with it and it can work pragmatically (it = global, high commitment breadwinner job and support wife doing 100% of non-work stuff).

Honestly I'm not sure what the DH can do here - not travelling isn't an option with senior roles in global companies, and the Idea of TOIL someone mentioned must be a joke (hint: this isn't the same as an hourly paid job on a checkout, you're supposed to be available wholly for work but you'll be getting a salary to match it).

Short of fundamentally changing what your life looks like op, i.e. he steps down or you bring in more paid help and/or you find other ways to fulfill your needs like volunteering or setting up a small/low pressure business.... You really don't give him other alternatives...

I assume you have a hefty mortgage and outgoings to match his salary...

So something has to give.

If you're serious about making changes, including potentially asking him to prioritize your career more fairly as a team, you need a realistic plan of what that actually looks like...

You can't just expect him to reduce or stop travelling.. if my partner asked that in his shoes, I'd be thinking I can't bloody win here!!!

He should find alternatives to the travelling. Like everyone is going to have to, to create a sustainable world. It's not good business sense to ignore this issue, or his company will collapse anyway (along with the society his children are supposed to grow up in).

It's exactly people like him, who do lots of flying and have economic and social power, who need to make these changes.