AIBU re DH's travelling

[SoleParentButNot]

I have come on here because I need to vent and need advice. If I call my DH we are going to end up in an argument again.

Not been having a great year at all. My DH and I are not getting along. We have drifted apart and bicker a lot. Underneath this I love him a lot and he says he loves me. When I have drilled down I think a lot of this comes down to the amount of travelling he does with work. He is head of a global brand and does a lot of long haul travel. A few days ago we had a big heart to heart and said we would both work on our marriage as the alternative is just too painful to bare. We have a lovely family.

Anyway, I've just come back after the school drop. I've logged into our calendar only to find that my DH has a massive amount of travelling coming up. In between now and Christmas he is away 40% of the time. His travel covers 6 weekends (4 Sat and Sundays away and 2 Sundays) out of the 11 to Christmas. A couple of his trips are for 10 days across 2 weekends.

I live miles away from my family so he can be near his job, I've few friends, 3 DC under 10 and a crappy, low paid, uninteresting job 6-hours a week which is all I can get where I live.

I don't want to call him because he gets defensive and then withdraws from me (see drifting apart bit).

AIBU to feel hurt, upset, like I have no life, like he wants to be away from us. I'm just sitting here really upset about this.

It sounds like he doesn’t have much choice if that’s his job.

Use some funds to improve your end of the deal?

So you think he should reorganise his work or get a new job

YANBU basically you are his maid (and provider of sex) and thats it.

There has been NO thinking about that sort of impact that life/job will have on you. And it has just started to dawn on you that actually its pretty shit. (probably because the dcs are slightly older so dnt need you every single second so you've had time to think).
You dont have to accept it.

From my own experience, you need to work on your relationhsip yes. But first of all, you eed to establish what YOU want to do. You want to work, I assume more than you are and in a job that is satisfying for you. What wouod that be and can you do it?
Then work out the steps you need for that and tell your DH that this is what you need. No descusion on whether its possible etc... but a clear message that, just as much as you have facilitate dhis professional life, he has to do that too.
Look at your relationship itself. What wouod you like to see happening? Him actually steppping when he is there and looking after his own stuff (washing, ironing etc...)? doing some of the HW, being involved iwth the dcs? what would make a difference for you so you dnt feel like a skivvy and him the King who comes home and expects to be waited on hands and feet?
What wouod youmlike to do as a family and as a couple? Im sure he wouldnt say no to his customers/colleagues to go out one evening when he is away. Why is it ok for him to say NO to you and not being involved at all in the family life? (Being tired isnt a good enough answer. The fact he is travelling a lot doesnt mean he suddenly cant cook/wash his own clothes etc... He woud have to do all that if he was single after all).

What you cant do is being mserable and taking out on your dh the act he is away so much until christmas. Because he cant change any of that atm. He CAN change how he is when he is t home and you can cetainly tell him once he is back home. Or maybe send him an email telling him that you have been thinking about your conversation, making an effort etc... and expect him to organise a nice evening together once he is back??

Nothing to add as all my questions I had reading the OP have been asked numerous times over. Interested to see the response to them.

I understand ,OP, dh is the same although his travel is not as intense as your dh .
I get you don’t want it solved for you , just a vent .
It does suck .
Is there no one else he can get to go for him on atleast some of the trips?
Sometimes my dh can delegate.
My dad used to work away a lot too and think I resented him for that growing up .
It’s really hard , I feel for you

I know the kind of thing you mean when you say three day shoot and five star so get it can feel uneven to be stuck at home.

I would use some £ to get rid of the dreariest jobs although I know that doesn’t solve loneliness.

Does he enjoy it / want to do it? That much travel can sometimes sound better than it is.

I have no words of wisdom but I wanted you to know you are not alone.My DH started working away when my dc1 was 6 weeks old. It was a new job and I was completely overwhelmed by it at first, new mum in her own. I tried working PT but found it was too stressful DC1 was very unhappy + I was working for childcare not much else. My job required bringing work home which I couldn't manage being the sole parent with a v v clingy baby. Being a SAHM eased the situation + I didn't feel so much pressure but the travelling evolved into red eye on Monday morning and flying back late Thurs or Fri night. It was like that for a few years with the odd week here and there at home. When DC1 was 4 I had enough. I was on my own most of the time, DH parents would help out occasionally, I no longer had parents and my DB lived far away. I rang my DH I said I wanted a divorce. His life was as a single bloke living in a hotel in Paris + I was a single parent. When he came home we no longer connected, and he didn't fit into the rhythm of homelife + parenting.
That was the turning point and what saved us was funnily enough the financial crash. My DH company (huge global) put a ban on travel. We were able to address the problems in our marriage.
I think it was easy in this period for people to think I was blessed being a sahm, nice house, nice car. But underneath I was struggling, didn't feel the way we lived justified the money. I tried talking to a friend (no family) about it but she didn't understand and seemed to think I was being spoilt. I felt very alone. I don't think anyone can understand unless they live it, as the world revolves around money and status, rather than happiness.
We now have 3 children, a baby who doesn't sleep (!) and 2 at school. DH has a new job some travel (he is away now) but not as much. Because it's not as much travel I can plan meals + be organised. I just wanted you to know your not alone in feeling this way. Try and focus on the 60% of time DH is at home as a family, but enjoy the 40% as you don't want to waste your life away waiting from him coming back. X

I think there’s no such thing as a free lunch ie I imagine your DH’s job pays very well, but it comes with conditions and sacrifices attached.
My DH also very senior partner in city firm. Yes, the pay is very lucrative, but it means I can’t always/often expect or ask him to reduce his hours. It’s just completely unrealistic.
The trade off is that we have a very comfortable life financially and I’ve learned to be very self reliant - also buy help in.
It’s all a trade off, nothing is ‘perfect’ - but I’m not complaining at all as we are both a team, and pulling in our own way.

A family friend was married to a man who worked for an oil company. They were very well off and she moved round the world with him but he was still away an awful lot. They had big plans to make up for lost time after he retired, but he died two years after stopping work.

Sorry for the bleak tone but it struck me as a cautionary tale in the “life is what happens when you’re making other plans” vein.

My DH is in the army, so I understand (and also hate) the pressure of an OH working away. It took (and still takes) a lot of communication but we agreed that his job has to work for us, not the other way round, and the pros must balance out the cons. It sounds like you need to talk to him again about exactly what your long term expectations are for your family life, personal life, jobs etc. You can’t go on as you are if it’s making you that unhappy.

In the meantime, look after yourself - I know exactly how the loneliness feels and it is so heart-achingly shit. pours imaginary glass of wine for you

I think there are two problems here - one the OP can do something about, and one which short-term she and her DB can't do anything about.

His job is what it is. He travels and that's not going to change any time very soon. She can't just tell him "stop travelling" and he is in no position to tell his bosses he won't do it, if they want the mortgage to be paid. Longer term yes there might be opportunities to take a sideways move into a role with less travel, move house, whatever. But that's not happening overnight.

OP can control what she is doing with her time when her DH is away. There is no need for her to be sitting bored. Even with three small children. So many community projects, volunteering, helping out at school, befriending, retraining, college.... That's the bit to start with. Then longer term work on the bigger stuff.

You have not mentioned finances, do you have free access to money or do you have an allowance that he controls.

OP, how would you fix the problem?

If he's head of a global brand he won't have become a high-flier overnight. I would assume that since you've known him he has always worked long hours and prioritised his career, and possibly travelled away a lot too. You cannot force him to give up a career which will have been many years in the making.

I would also assume that his salary is very good, in the six-figure region if not seven.

With this in mind, I would echo other posters on this thread and hire someone to help - an au-pair, a nanny, a housekeeper - so that you can get out and make friends. If his salary is as high as his job suggests, you should easily be able to make plenty of time to get involved in your local community (whether that's working, volunteering, or joining clubs) and meet new people.

You should also have plenty of money to be able to do things to make yourself feel more like your old self - getting your nails done or getting a new hair cut.

I would try to join him where you can. Obviously long distance that won't be possible, but why wouldn't you join him e.g. in London at Christmas for a weekend break?

It sounds like he has a glamorous life facilitated by you and yet he takes you for granted. I think you have a few options

Pay for more help so yiu can work/socialise more and start living your own life.

Leave him

Get him to change jobs (sounds unlikely though)

Stay with him but tell him you are moving closer to family amd he will just have to deal with it. Even if that means he gets an apartment closer to work for during week.

Does he support you in other ways? Career/goals/ambitions?

Your current family set-up isn't working for you at all, and probably isn't working for him (probably to a lesser extent than you).

He has all of the glamour, the career, the earning power, but no solid presence in his children's lives. You have all of the lonely grunt work and no career or financial independence, but a solid relationship with your children.

You need to make time to have a long conversation about what you both want from your lives, as individuals (not spouses or parents). It should encompass careers, parenting ambitions, what you're prepared to compromise to achieve what you want, finances, divorce, where you live - EVERYTHING. It may be an ugly conversation, you need to be prepared for that.

You're drifting apart because you're living separate lives. You need to come back together and find a new lifestyle and format that works for BOTH of you.

Does the glamorous lifestyle come with a glamorous salary? If so, is there any reason why it can't fund someone to do the cleaning, washing and ironing? That would free you up to pursue your own interests, which may help you in making more local friends and would improve your life fairly majorly.

Get childcare in. Hire a cleaner?

Book a holiday for you all? October half term, February half term? He must get access to great hotels and have bundles of air miles.

One of the things that does make things easier is if he can work from home when he isn't traveling. My DH tries to do that to offset the time away from home. It means he can do the school run. Finish work + no travel so he can be immediately with DC. We can sit + have lunch. It just helps him get into the pattern of homelife and not be too distant from it. It can be a huge help just having him around to get DC ready for school. Could that be a possibility?

Oh do NOT forget life admin. If my dh is away for a period of time I allocate him things to be done online. He may not be here to do bedtime but he bloody well is still responsible! So he can book the carpet cleaners, register the dcs at schools, plan and book holidays, buy presents...

What strike me most is how you are still doing all the housework and managing all the kids on your own. If my husband was earning a lot of money I would hire help. Get a nanny, a cleaner and send the clothes to laundry. Why do all this work yourself if you can afford to outsource? (that is if you can afford to do it)

Second, you are the one responsible for your happiness. Hire house help and find time to enjoy the kids, find a hobby, do a course, find some part time work, volunteer at school... do other things to keep yourself busy.

I can sympathise with your husband not wanting to do anything outside the house after travelling that much. He would want to spend time at home. If you keep yourself busy when he is away you too will appreciate the moments with him where-ever you both are whether at home our outside as you wont be grumpy about not going out. Your happiness is not dependant on him.