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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend not told his female friend about me. AIBU to be concerned?

124 replies

dalmationdotty · 09/10/2019 00:26

Long story short. Been seeing my DP for over 18 months now. Before we met he used to game online a lot and had a couple good friends online, one being female. They have never met as just online friends but they text as well. Once he split with his ex this female friend made it known she liked him. She lives far away and he said it wouldn’t work. Anyway I come along and we are very happy. I know about her, I know she likes him I know they text. He says they are friends. He says he has never given her any reason to think he likes her other than as a friend. Yet she sends him photos of herself dressed up to go out or videos of herself singing and once sent him a picture of herself topless tho she said it was a mistake. I have got quite irritated over time about it saying to him I think it’s out of order she does this knowing he is with someone. He is now planning a trip to go see her and the other gaming friend he has. I’ve been a little concerned about it but I trust him and he reassured me they are just mates and he loves me. But then the other night after he’d been out with mates he comes home and says to me that actually he has never ever told her about me. That as far as she knows he isn’t with anyone. He says he didn’t want to hurt her feelings but he is going to tell her now. I’m flabbergasted and confused. I was also very very angry with him but he says that I’m over reacting and that he’s done nothing wrong except try not to upset her. I’m really not sure what to think. He’s going over to see her in 2 weeks. I feel a little sick. He’s just moved in with me and my kids and his kids have all met and get on. I’ve invested so much in him and I can’t throw it all away. Am I over reacting to be furious and feel betrayed and made a fool of?

OP posts:

GruciusMalfoy · 09/10/2019 00:29

YANBU. He has been stringing her along, lying to you, and now he's meeting up with her. He sounds like a twat.

Underyoursky · 09/10/2019 00:32

Why is he going to see her and when is he going to tell her about you?

Original poster

dalmationdotty · 09/10/2019 00:35

He’s very good at convincing me I’m totally over reacting and that he has never given her any reason to think he likes her. Except I said you’ve not discouraged her either?? She’s just friends with him.
Errr ladies how many male friends do you text to ask which top you should wear out tonight? Plus he told me when he went out with mates she messaged to say don’t meet anyone and forget me. He’s not denying she likes him but he seems to think I shouldn’t have an issue with it as he hasn’t encouraged it?? Am I missing something here?

OP posts:

Wonderland18 · 09/10/2019 00:35

Not being unreasonable. He’s an insensitive twat he’s led the girl on giving her false hope for the 18 months of your relationship as he enjoyed the attention and then realised he was going to be spending time face time face with her and felt guilty so confessed to you. Not acceptable

Original poster

dalmationdotty · 09/10/2019 00:37

He said he will tell her when he sees her.
He was planning a trip to see his other gaming mate and she lives near him. What started as a I’m just meeting her for a drink had now turned into him staying over at hers one night and then her going on to join him at the other mates house.

OP posts:

GruciusMalfoy · 09/10/2019 00:37

He hasn't discouraged it, and presumably he replies to her messages. I'm sure he's not daft enough to miss what he's doing.

Underyoursky · 09/10/2019 00:38

It’s not fair on her as much as anything.

Underyoursky · 09/10/2019 00:39

If he’s actually staying with her and ahe obviously thinks she’s in with a chance, I would tell him to crack on and call it a day.

Underyoursky · 09/10/2019 00:39

I mean you end it with him.

Original poster

dalmationdotty · 09/10/2019 00:41

I said to him all this time I’ve been getting irritated with her and it’s not her fault at all poor girl. I feel awful for her. He said he’s going to set it all straight and he’s been an idiot but I still don’t think he really sees the damage he has caused let alone the humiliation to her and less so me

OP posts:

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 09/10/2019 00:43

He said he will tell her when he sees her.

Nah, he might tell her after he’s had sex with her, but I doubt it. Oh OP, do you honestly think he’s going to stay in a female friend’s house and it’s all completely innocent, considering he’s been chatting to her all this time and kept you secret?

Seren85 · 09/10/2019 00:47

By not telling her, knowing she likes him, he's led her on. He liked the attention and is now calling it not a lie just an admission. Nope.

Stephminx · 09/10/2019 00:50

Not the point but you’ve moved someone in with your children within 18 months and you’re not even sure you trust him ? What was the hurry ?

I think he’s probably done the “awkward bloke” thing not telling her about you initially (innocently) and it’s snow balled as he’s let her embarrass herself more and more with her suggestive texts etc... That bit I wasn’t too concerned about.

Lying / being untruthful about offering details of his plans for staying with her for the weekend I’d be more concerned with.

How old are you all - the situation sounds a bit juvenile to me (other than the worrying reference to children being involved) ?

Heartofglass12345 · 09/10/2019 00:54

I am very easy going but even I wouldn't be happy with him going to be honest.
He knows she fancies him and he's still going to meet up with her? He's probably enjoying the ego boost. How do you know this other friend will be there?

Original poster

dalmationdotty · 09/10/2019 00:57

I only found out a few days ago. I had no reason to not trust him otherwise. He’s not fully moved in but has spent more time round here over the summer. Staying over occasionally now. My kids really like him.
I think I’m being used actually. This has opened my eyes and I feel like an total idiot.

OP posts:

palahvah · 09/10/2019 01:09

This is BS. He's strung her along (unsurprisingly - most men would rather walk over hot coals than tell a woman they weren't interested) plus he'll have appreciated the attention and the ego stroking.
But - he has kept messaging her and let her escalate the content of the messages while allowing her to think he's single, and he told her that it wouldn't work because distance but now he's going to meet up with her.
He is taking the piss.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 01:15

But he seems to think I shouldn’t have an issue with it as he hasn’t encouraged it

He has encouraged it, though @dalmationdotty. He has encouraged it by being untruthful to her and not telling you that she knew nothing about you until now.

That's awful.

I'm so sorry - you're in an awful position now as he's going to go and stay at her house overnight (!!!) and I imagine the next thing will be his confessing that he "accidentally" ended up shagging her.

That's if he does in fact tell you.

Jeez - this is terrible - and yes, you are being used. I know he's only just moved in but I would give him a choice:

a) do not go and meet this woman

b) move out.

If he chooses to go anyway, make sure his stuff is waiting for him on the doorstep for when he returns.

I do not believe that the topless photo was accidental, either.

You deserve so much better than this. After eighteen months you're now realising that he's been remarkably unkind.

DeadSouth · 09/10/2019 01:20

I’m not going to lie, he plays games with her, that’s a strong connection to make.

Gaming together is a decent bond and you learn each other inside and out, if he’s been enjoying her chasing him without telling her to back off he’s likely to cheat.

MadeForThis · 09/10/2019 01:34

How cruel of him.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/10/2019 01:46

He has arranged to stay the night with a single woman who he knows has feelings for him, has previously sent him a topless picture and doesn't know he has a girlfriend? I'm sorry OP but I don't think this is just a case of him being "awkward" or trying to spare her feelings. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

LilyAraminta · 09/10/2019 02:14

YOU. ARE. NOT. OVERREACTING.
He's using both of you shamelessly. She lavishes him with attention, sends provocative pictures "on accident," sends other attractive pictures and flirty texts, and he never once, in one-and-a-half years, has let the poor girl know he is in a committed relationship that is so serious that cohabitating and blending families occurring. That is incredibly disrespectful to both you and her.
As far as his trip to see his male gaming buddy suddenly morphing into a trip to stay with her and then have her accompany him the rest of the time?! While she is still thinking he is single? It's disgusting. That girl is probably SO EXCITED preparing for his stay and planning so many things to do together, what to wear, and hoping hard that this is when things turn from close friends to romantic. It's cruel of him to lie to her (by omission) that he is single and available. And it's reprehensible that when you rightly express dismay that he STILL hasn't told her about you, he still refuses to do so, insists on still going, and then tells you that you are the unreasonable one? He's not traveling to see her to sit down over a cup of tea and have an open and frank conversation about how much he loves you and how serious you two are and how well the kids get along. You and I both know that. Just no. He sucks.

user1471532163 · 09/10/2019 02:49

I’m male, a gamer, and in my forties. I have done what your SO has done, and it wasn’t for nefarious purposes.

Online culture is weird and sometimes a bit of a minefield. Many of the female gamers I’ve played with on recurring servers have, over time, indicated that they are or have been suicidal. Some thrive on the attention that comes from working together in a game towards a common goal.

Some react very badly to any change from the people they play with.

So no, I don’t usually tell people I play with about my relationships or other identifying details of my personal life. There’s far too many people who are creepers, stalkers, obsessive, or have real issues understanding personal boundaries.

Yes, we can chat about mundane personal things or the news or whatever, yes we could meet up and have dinner or something, but I’m not going to let my possibly incorrect assessment about you affect the other people in my life.

You know your SO well enough to judge if he’s doing something shady, but don’t mistake an online relationship with a real life one. Maintaining the status quo isn’t only to get topless photos.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 02:58

You know your SO well enough to judge if he’s doing something shady, but don’t mistake an online relationship with a real life one

Eh?

It is about to become a real-life one when the BF spends the night with this unsuspecting woman.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 03:00

Maintaining the status quo isn’t only to get topless photos

Oh, I see.

Male gamers (such as yourself) do your best to get topless photos of women you game with.

Especially the suicidal ones?

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 03:01

Last comment was to @user1471532163

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