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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend not told his female friend about me. AIBU to be concerned?

124 replies

dalmationdotty · 09/10/2019 00:26

Long story short. Been seeing my DP for over 18 months now. Before we met he used to game online a lot and had a couple good friends online, one being female. They have never met as just online friends but they text as well. Once he split with his ex this female friend made it known she liked him. She lives far away and he said it wouldn’t work. Anyway I come along and we are very happy. I know about her, I know she likes him I know they text. He says they are friends. He says he has never given her any reason to think he likes her other than as a friend. Yet she sends him photos of herself dressed up to go out or videos of herself singing and once sent him a picture of herself topless tho she said it was a mistake. I have got quite irritated over time about it saying to him I think it’s out of order she does this knowing he is with someone. He is now planning a trip to go see her and the other gaming friend he has. I’ve been a little concerned about it but I trust him and he reassured me they are just mates and he loves me. But then the other night after he’d been out with mates he comes home and says to me that actually he has never ever told her about me. That as far as she knows he isn’t with anyone. He says he didn’t want to hurt her feelings but he is going to tell her now. I’m flabbergasted and confused. I was also very very angry with him but he says that I’m over reacting and that he’s done nothing wrong except try not to upset her. I’m really not sure what to think. He’s going over to see her in 2 weeks. I feel a little sick. He’s just moved in with me and my kids and his kids have all met and get on. I’ve invested so much in him and I can’t throw it all away. Am I over reacting to be furious and feel betrayed and made a fool of?

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/10/2019 08:32

He's shown that he's a proficient liar, to you and his friend.
He seems to have no problem omitting huge parts of his life depending on who he's talking to.

I wouldn't be at all confident that what happens when he's away wouldn't have a lot omitted, too.

Icecreamsoda99 · 09/10/2019 08:38

I'm sure your kids do like him ashe sounds like a kid himself! To be honest in your shoes, if he insists on going I'd contact the girl myself and make her aware of your relationship, if he tells her you have no idea what he is telling her and how much he is downplaying your relationship. From her point of view she will be seeing this as her chance to convince him a relationship with her will work, even if he protests that he is is in a relationship if she likes him that much (that she send topless pictures!) she may well try it on anyway!

mankyfourthtoe · 09/10/2019 08:41

What's your plan op?

MumW · 09/10/2019 08:46

Can you 'accidentally' send her a picture of the 2 of you?

MumW · 09/10/2019 08:49

Although, if I'm honest, his behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be cutting my losses and running - I think investing any more effort on him would be throwing good money after bad.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/10/2019 09:03

This isn't her fault at all!

He's absolutely been stringing her along. Poor woman is probably getting her nails and hair done, choosing outfits thinking that she's on to a winner.

I'd also not be happy with him going on the trip now. Tbh him going away to stay with another woman, who fancies him and thinks he's single, would be a deal breaker for me. I'd call it a day on the whole relationship regardless if if he goes now or not. He's treating both of you appallingly and shown a selfish side and shown neither of you any respect

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 09/10/2019 09:08

So if we take him at face value, he's going for a rare, if not first, meetup with a good friend he's known well for 2+ years, and stay at her house. A special occasion, where instead of having fun he is going to drop the bombshell that despite knowing she is romantically interested, despite receiving topless photos, he has in fact been lying about being in a committed relationship for the last 18 months, and lives with his girlfriend and her children. He's then going to stay overnight in the ensuing atmosphere. (Because like a decent person he will of course tell her before staying the night). Of course he isnt going to tell her!

This sums it up. He's either lying, or is beyond naïve about how this scenario will play out. Either way he's being a dick to both of you.

SuchAToDo · 09/10/2019 09:09

Op tell him your mum/sister/friend are going to have your kids and you are booked to go with him and watch his face and reaction carefully...if he is delighted you are coming and excited to bring you along then its obviously you he is into

If he acts shocked, angry, tries to talk you out of going, says you can't go, or says he is no longer going...then be very suspicious...because logically why would your presence there spoil it for him....the only reason it would, would be if he is hooking up with her...

If he's keeping you a secret from her then he's keeping his options open, so he can drop you and go to her without her knowing about you....you need to find out where you stand and pretend you are going too

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 09/10/2019 09:09

He is a liar, a manipulator and disrespectful.

He has shown you his true colours.

What are you going to do about this?

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 09/10/2019 09:15

Tell him you want him to call her with you there so you can hear him tell her about you and so you know exactly what he's telling her.

Suggest you go along for the weekend too as it would be nice to meet some other friends.

He doesn't go as he understands how wrong it is and uncomfortable with the situation you are.

He moves out and you reconsider the relationship.
Good luck!!

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 09:17

From your update OP, you sound like you're trying desperately to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Unfortunately, you need to put your foot down. I think SuchAToDo's suggestion that you say you can come too is a very good one.

He'll either be genuinely thrilled or utterly horrified and will try to dissuade you.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 09:18

It's possible that the gamer woman will start a thread of her own about how devastated she has become to discover that the man she sent a topless picture to has been in a relationship for eighteen months.

Whatisthisfuckery · 09/10/2019 09:19

Same thing but flip the sexes. Woman living with male partner; online friends with other man who demonstrably has an interest in her, and who has already sent a dick pic; online man thinks she’s single; partner thinks online man knows she in a relationship with him but she hasn’t actually told online man at all during the 18 months of their relationship; woman goes to stay alone with online man at his house, but insists to BF she will tell online man she’s in relationship and doesn’t want to shag him, all while being alone in his house with him.

If it were a woman doing this we’d be saying she was either definitely going to cheat or she was being very stupid indeed and taking a huge risk with her own safety. Occasionally women are this naive but most women would see the blatant danger here.

It couldn’t be spun as harmless in this context could it? It’s all well and good men coming on here telling us it’s all fine just to protect their own dicks from being deflated, but we all know how this can go down the other way around. The double standards are shocking, and demonstrate the difference in the way women need to conduct themselves in order to stay safe. And what about the bf, do we think he would be happy that his gf was going to stay with another man who fancied her but who she’d not told about him? I don’t think so, In fact I think the shit would’ve hit the fan as soon as he saw the dick pic.

And back to the actual scenario, if the BF is honest, which I seriously doubt he will be, does tell her she’s in a relationship when he’s alone with her at her house, which he’s presumably traveled a long way to get to, how the fuck is she going to feel?

LionKingLover · 09/10/2019 09:23

He seems to just be thinking of her feelings. What about yours. And if he truly is going to tell her then he should do it before he goes and let you be there too, to reassure you too. If he won't, it seems very dodgy. X

Vampyress · 09/10/2019 09:24

I met my dh on an online game over 12 year ago and we have 2 children together, he met his ex before me on an online game and she had an affair with him for 2 years, her husband thought they were just friends too until my dh told her husband about the affair. She admitted to DH she never intended to leave her husband for him and used him, it left him devastated.

Your bf isn't just playing with fire, he is building a blood bonfire and he is putting his relationship with this online woman before his commitment to you by keeping you a secret and then staying at her house. I would expect significantly better from a partner after that length of time, to put things in perspective, I cut a male online friend out of my life after he sent me a picture of himself in bed with the covers on him because it made my dh uncomfortable, why? Because how my husband felt was more important than some randomer online even if I didn't agree that there was anything sinister going on. If your bf can't do the same then I would be concerned about the future.

Whatisthisfuckery · 09/10/2019 09:36

Come on, he’s not bothered about your feelings or hers, he just wants to get his dick squeezed.

FizzyIce · 09/10/2019 09:37

He’s staying at her house?!
Hell no , I’d be putting my foot down with that ..
what an arsehole

pollypocket952 · 09/10/2019 09:52

OP you just stated this ....

I’m trying to be reasonable and fair. I’m trying to understand how this happened and allow him to fix it.

This whole situation shouldn't have happened. Any bloke with half a brain cell or any amount of decency or respect towards you would know that this is wrong on so many levels!

You are clearly clutching at straws here.

Get him out today, tell him to piss off to hers.

Whattodoabout · 09/10/2019 09:57

She’s not at fault. She made it clear she liked him and as far as she’s concerned, he’s single. She’s obviously been sending him the photos hoping he would change his mind and he is stringing her along making her believe there could be a chance. If she knew about you, I imagine she’d be furious (I know I would be) and embarrassed too.

Your ‘d’p sounds like a dickhead I’m afraid, he’s loving the ego boost she provides. I would not trust him casually going to meet her either, fully suspect something else will happen between them especially if alcohol is involved.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/10/2019 09:57

Wtf?!

I can't believe the cheek of him and also how gullible you're being.

There is only ONE reason he hasn't told her - because he's in an unhealthy dynamic with her where that news wouldn't be welcomed.

And that means, They're Not Just Friends.

And he's encouraging that.

There is no discussion to be had here - pack his bags. He is not on your team. You have children. This isn't good and he needs to go.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/10/2019 10:00

Oh and note I haven't even suggested that anything physical or spoken has even gone on between them, nor do I necessarily think it will.

That doesn't matter.

If I had the doe-eyed mealy-mouthed 'but I don't understand.. you're overreacting... nothing has happened... I'm not interested' from a little shit like this I'd just hold up the hand and say fuck off, not interested.

Get him out.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 09/10/2019 10:06

So he would be fine with you staying over at a guys house, who thought you were single, when youd kept him a secret for months, even when this guy had 'accidentally' sent you dick pics? Right!

LetItGoHome · 09/10/2019 10:37

How would he feel if the situation was reversed? You where staying the night with a guy who had the hots for you. Had previously sent photos of him looking hot and an 'accidential' dick pic! All whilst thinking you where single. I'm not so sure he would be so relaxed about that setup.

ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2019 10:44

him staying over at hers one night

Get him out of your house.

Original poster

dalmationdotty · 09/10/2019 11:23

@SuchAToDo
He booked to go the week I am away with my kids in half term so conveniently I can’t say I’m joining him.
Anyway update
I messaged to say I want to talk about it tonight as I’m finding it all very uncomfortable and I want to know what his thoughts and plans are about it.
He says he isn’t going now as he is finding it all uncomfortable too and won’t enjoy himself as he will be worried about what I’m thinking and also doesn’t want this to put pressure on our relationship
I still have a million questions to ask him which I will tonight
I still want to know how and when he is going to tell her.
I told him there’s no point you telling her the whole truth breaking her heart and humiliating her better to start from now saying you’ve met someone not that you’ve been seeing someone the whole time! I said I don’t know who you think you are that gives you the right to make choices and decisions about how people will react. She is blameless and been used cruelly and the decent thing is to not twist the knife but come clean ASAP

OP posts:

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