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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend not told his female friend about me. AIBU to be concerned?

124 replies

dalmationdotty · 09/10/2019 00:26

Long story short. Been seeing my DP for over 18 months now. Before we met he used to game online a lot and had a couple good friends online, one being female. They have never met as just online friends but they text as well. Once he split with his ex this female friend made it known she liked him. She lives far away and he said it wouldn’t work. Anyway I come along and we are very happy. I know about her, I know she likes him I know they text. He says they are friends. He says he has never given her any reason to think he likes her other than as a friend. Yet she sends him photos of herself dressed up to go out or videos of herself singing and once sent him a picture of herself topless tho she said it was a mistake. I have got quite irritated over time about it saying to him I think it’s out of order she does this knowing he is with someone. He is now planning a trip to go see her and the other gaming friend he has. I’ve been a little concerned about it but I trust him and he reassured me they are just mates and he loves me. But then the other night after he’d been out with mates he comes home and says to me that actually he has never ever told her about me. That as far as she knows he isn’t with anyone. He says he didn’t want to hurt her feelings but he is going to tell her now. I’m flabbergasted and confused. I was also very very angry with him but he says that I’m over reacting and that he’s done nothing wrong except try not to upset her. I’m really not sure what to think. He’s going over to see her in 2 weeks. I feel a little sick. He’s just moved in with me and my kids and his kids have all met and get on. I’ve invested so much in him and I can’t throw it all away. Am I over reacting to be furious and feel betrayed and made a fool of?

OP posts:

paintedfences · 09/10/2019 11:43

That's good he's not going op.

Fundamentally, from what you know of his character, do you trust him? What does your gut say? 'Enjoying the attention then slowly realising he's been an arsehole to her and you' or 'Was going to go for it as a bit on the side but has now been rumbled and acting guilty'?

It IS different online as @Pretzelcoatl says. Online gaming and fandom by their natures attract people who don't have the best boundaries, for various reasons. So it depends on your reading of his character over the past 18 months and what you know of him as to whether or not you want to stay with him.

Asides from this, what's the worst thing you've ever known him to do?

lucie8881 · 09/10/2019 11:54

I think I would prefer he came clean about him being in a relationship for a little while. Perhaps not specific timings but definitely let her know this is more of a committed relationship than a potential fling that's just started up. If she then has issue with his deception to her she is fully informed and can make the decision as to whether to continue in their friendship.

He owes you both honesty and should definitely show more consideration towards your feelings moving forward.

ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2019 11:56

better to start from now saying you’ve met someone

No, she'll be hanging on still in the hope it won't work out with the 'new girlfriend'. She may step up the contact, if anything! She deserves the truth that he's been presenting himself as something he's not.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 12:01

And if you're away with your DC at half term how will you know he hasn't gone to see her?

He only half lives at your place at the moment. There's nothing stopping him from going anyway.

You wouldn't know if he'd gone or not.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 12:03

She is blameless and been used cruelly

And so have you, OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/10/2019 12:12

Make sure you don't let him guilt you into saying "Oh no go". I feel sorry for that girl too, she thinking he was single and the only reason he's not interested is distance, probably thinking oh he will be up for a fling so. If he does go on the trip (eventhough he's said he wouldn't) I would call off your relationship, everyone has their own boundaries in a relationship but that goes well passed mine

KurriKurri · 09/10/2019 12:21

I'm glad he isn;t going now OP, but I would be seriously evaluating my rlatonship with him. Apart from the way he has disrespected you and disregarded your feelings, he has led this other woman on. he allowed her to believe he was a single man, could see she was getting excited about meeting him, and yet planned to drop the fact that he was';t on her when they met - how awful would that hve been for her ? - she would have felt totally humiliated, and then he had the cheek to think he would be sleeping at her house after treating her so badly.

He clearly has no thought at all for other people's feelings and thinks he can just string people along and lie by omission for his own convenience. he has lied to her - by allowing her to believe he was single and not correcting her, and he has lied to you by alowing you to believe she knew he was ina relationship.
Once liar always a liar IME - it gets easier and easier for them to just lie about whatever they want the more they do it.

ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2019 12:25

It would have been very easy for him to have had sex / sexual contact with her and then tell her the truth afterwards (or tell you whatever version of the truth about his encounter with her, that he fancied upon his return). How do you know he wasn't planning on doing this?

How can you trust him at all?! How do you know he hasn't been having a full-blown emotional affair with her?

Someone who feels fine in bending the truth with 1 person, is highly likely to do the same with others.

pollypocket952 · 09/10/2019 12:43

I'm pleased for you OP

BUT .....

These plans should not have materialised in the first place & you've had to intervene which has prompted him to act accordingly which you shouldn't have had to do on this one, he should have used his noggin.

And what if you wouldn't have intervened?

Who knows, but things wouldn't be the same for me after this I'm afraid.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/10/2019 12:44

WTF! He doesn't want to tell her you've been seeing each other 18 months and would rather lie and tell her you've only just started seeing each other? The bloke obviously has problems telling the truth. I'd be having a long hard look at the relationship, and if you want to continue with a man who's default appears to be to lie.

Chickychoccyegg · 09/10/2019 13:12

he could easily still go and you wouldn't know, could he just be telling you what you want to hear?

Pretzelcoatl · 09/10/2019 14:19

@TheMustressMhor

Because they volunteer these things. I don’t share things like that, but others do.

Derbee · 09/10/2019 14:22

Good update OP. People here will always be shouting about how shit men are, and how you should kick him out etc etc. But only you know your relationship. He’s not going, so he has chosen you and your feelings. I’d say there’s a good chance he’s not very experienced with women, or he’s a bit weak and didn’t want to get into any arguments with her when he told her about you. He was also enjoying being wanted, which is a normal response.

The only way out of this for me, to forgive him and move on, would be for him to call her and come clean (in front of you). Accept that he’s taken the path of least resistance and has let things slide for too long. Put an end to it, tell her he has a girlfriend, and move on and enjoy your relationship.

Pretzelcoatl · 09/10/2019 14:33

@dalmationdotty

I’m glad for you that he’s not going now. Hopefully the two of you can find a mutually acceptable balance between your shared sphere and his online one. 👍

Original poster

dalmationdotty · 09/10/2019 15:41

Thank you all.
I’m going to talk to him tonight about it. He’s not off the hook just because he’s not going.
He has to first of all admit his awful mistake. At best a lack of judgement meant out of some misguided attempt not to hurt anyone (at worst some ego trip enjoying female attention and keeping his options open). He adamantly says it’s the first.
Secondly he has to set it straight with her immediately. No ifs no buts no more lies. Then it’s up to her if she wants to stay in touch. And actually on reflection I agree he shouldn’t downplay our relationship. She should know exactly what he’s fine or he is again making choices for her to suit himself. And if she doesn’t know he is in a serious relationship with me she might think there is still a chance. Not fair on her or me.
He must be accountable and also feel some remorse and guilt and apologise to both me and her.
If he can do all this I will consider our future because until now I’ve been very very happy.
If he can’t do the above, particularly telling her the truth or I feel he is just playing lip service to shut me up then it’s over. Not because of the lies but because I don’t want such a weak willed selfish disloyal man in mine or my kids lives.

OP posts:

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 15:52

Well, that's an encouraging outcome so far, OP. And he's made the decision himself, so can never turn round and call you controlling or whatever.

When you've finished talking, you might still not be happy to keep him, of course. The bottom line is that anyone who tries to juggle two love interests can lose both!

Derbee · 09/10/2019 16:52

Just to add a third option OP, he could well (and I suspect most likely) have been enjoying the attention but not keeping his options open. He could be totally committed to you and your relationship, but just enjoy the ego boost. Not to excuse anything, but him enjoying attention doesn’t mean he’s going to act on anything.

Hope he understands the severity of it all, and grabs the opportunity you’ve given him to prove himself. Let us know how it goes!

OldEvilOwl · 09/10/2019 18:19

He could still go and you wouldn't know about it as your away yourself then?

MyOtherProfile · 10/10/2019 08:09

Oh good point @OldEvilOwl

Original poster

dalmationdotty · 10/10/2019 09:35

He has cancelled his ticket to see her. So he can’t go and he called her last night to explain.
I could hear the conversation and it wasn’t pleasant for either of them. She was understandably furious. Fair to say it was uncomfortable listening for me, not because I found out anything bad. But more hearing someone that upset is horrible.
He was upset that he’d upset her and he felt like a total dick and said he’d been feeling awful about it all for ages. I’m not into holding onto negativity. I’m going to draw a lime under it now. Up till this moment I have totally had no reason to doubt him and have been very happy and I think it was his really bad judgement that got him into trouble and it snowballed. He has done the right thing now by cancelling his trip off his own back and telling her the truth in front of me. Those were his suggestions not mine. I didn’t ask to hear the call, he suggested I could listen so I knew what was said.
Anyway my gut says to forgive him and move on together. So that’s what I’m going to do.

OP posts:

Damntheman · 10/10/2019 09:59

I'm glad it's resolved OP :) I'm also glad he did the right thing by finally telling her. It does indeed sound to me like he just let awkwardness get in the way of telling her to start with and the longer he left it the harder it was to tell her. She knows now, hopefully he won't be such an idiot about peoples' feelings again in the future.

Best of luck to you both :)

Housebuying · 10/10/2019 10:03

Good update OP. He sounds like he’s done the decent thing, and will have learned a lesson. You sound sensible, and like you’ve made a good decision.

JavaQ · 10/10/2019 10:12

The Gaming girl is a fool for allowing strange men into her house and to stay over! Dangerous.
As for your boyfriend, he sounds like he compartmentalises. Good to know he told you. Now. Not after.
18 months is early days.

OldEvilOwl · 10/10/2019 18:18

Great update 😊

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