Boyfriend not told his female friend about me. AIBU to be concerned?

[dalmationdotty]

Long story short. Been seeing my DP for over 18 months now. Before we met he used to game online a lot and had a couple good friends online, one being female. They have never met as just online friends but they text as well. Once he split with his ex this female friend made it known she liked him. She lives far away and he said it wouldn’t work. Anyway I come along and we are very happy. I know about her, I know she likes him I know they text. He says they are friends. He says he has never given her any reason to think he likes her other than as a friend. Yet she sends him photos of herself dressed up to go out or videos of herself singing and once sent him a picture of herself topless tho she said it was a mistake. I have got quite irritated over time about it saying to him I think it’s out of order she does this knowing he is with someone. He is now planning a trip to go see her and the other gaming friend he has. I’ve been a little concerned about it but I trust him and he reassured me they are just mates and he loves me. But then the other night after he’d been out with mates he comes home and says to me that actually he has never ever told her about me. That as far as she knows he isn’t with anyone. He says he didn’t want to hurt her feelings but he is going to tell her now. I’m flabbergasted and confused. I was also very very angry with him but he says that I’m over reacting and that he’s done nothing wrong except try not to upset her. I’m really not sure what to think. He’s going over to see her in 2 weeks. I feel a little sick. He’s just moved in with me and my kids and his kids have all met and get on. I’ve invested so much in him and I can’t throw it all away. Am I over reacting to be furious and feel betrayed and made a fool of?

I'm a gamer too, as are a lot of my friends. As far as I'm aware the ones who are in relationships often mention it during play just to get a weight off 'OH is sick poor thing, sleep's been shit' 'I'm so excited, got a big date this weekend!', it's never a LOT of detail, but a mention here and then is very normal. If someone was clearly interested in me online (it's happened but not for a really long time, clearly losing my touch :p) I'm very quick to tell them about my DH because I don't want them to get hurt/too involved/complicated.

What your partner has done OP was allow an ego stroke to go on too long. He's been an absolute arsehole to both you and this other girl and it is not okay. He cannot wait to tell her until they're face to face as then it'll be far more awkward.

I'm usually very cool with opposite sex/gender friends and such, but even I would be very unhappy about the overnight stays with her under these circumstances.

If he won't tell her before he goes, and he won't change his plans (although he could always just claim he's changed them and go ahead anyway) then I'm sorry OP but I'd consider this relationship over.

I play online and I'm female. Weirdly enough I find that 'I'm in a relationship and not interested ' the best way to repel weirdos. I'm sure this would also work for men....

I think he's been insensitive and selfish but i don't think he's planning sex. He just likes the attention.

I'm a gamer, I'm another that doesn't reveal much about my real life to the people I play alongside. I wouldn't hide a relationship but I ensure no one could find me in real life. I also wouldn't meet up.

Those who do meet up like this, staying at houses are doing it for sex. The game I play has created a few marriages and a lot of short lived relationships

I bet its wow he plays. Look if he goes on this trip he's going to have sex with her, definitely. You either need to stop him going or end this relationship.

This sounds like a very immature relationship.

So if we take him at face value, he's going for a rare, if not first, meetup with a good friend he's known well for 2+ years, and stay at her house. A special occasion, where instead of having fun he is going to drop the bombshell that despite knowing she is romantically interested, despite receiving topless photos, he has in fact been lying about being in a committed relationship for the last 18 months, and lives with his girlfriend and her children. He's then going to stay overnight in the ensuing atmosphere. (Because like a decent person he will of course tell her before staying the night). Of course he isnt going to tell her!

OP, he's very clearly taking you for a mug. It's extremely likely that he will sleep with her, either as a one night stand, or perhaps even as a "test run" to weigh you up against each other.
You would in no way be unreasonable to ask that he doesn't go under these circumstances, IF he values your relationship.

However, at the very least you need to insist he tells her before he goes to meet her (in a way that you can see later so he doesn't just lie). Both because he values your relationship, and for the sake of this poor woman, who is looking forward to spending a weekend including an overnight stay with her single friend who hasn't rebuffed her romantic attention.

You know what, I bet if you give him an ultimatum he will split with you, go on the trip, have sex with her then come back and not tell you and try to patch it all up.

I'd say he has to tell her that he's in a relationship with you before he goes, explain how long and that he's moved in with you.
If you doesn't want to do that then tell him to schlep his stuff out before he goes.

You know what, I bet if you give him an ultimatum he will split with you, go on the trip, have sex with her then come back and not tell you and try to patch it all up

Or just come back, confess he had sex with her, say sorry and grovel...…………...then play both of you off each other until one of you ends things with him.

I did have another thought, actually.

What's to stop him having more than one "female friend" in the background?

The OP may only be aware of this particular one.

Agree with giving him an ultimatum. He tells her everything and doesn't go, or he gets out and it's over. Don't let him talk you around OP, you are not overreacting about this

As well as being unfair to his girlfriend if he doesn't tell the gamer girl before he goes he's being unfair to her too. That's the line that i'd repeat to him. There's no way a single woman who has made advances on who she thinks is a single man would not 100% want to know that he's not single, before he comes to stay in her house.

If it's all innocent, of course.

I ask at least three of mine about my outfits @dalmationdotty their wives couldn't give a toss. I value their opinions as they are honest ones, not friends just saying nice things.

If he's put off telling her about you for 18 months, he's definitely not going to tell her when he arrives, is he?

I think he's planning to let things roll and see what happens. I'd question his commitment to you, as he seems to have one foot in each world.

You've shared your concerns with him and he's going in a fortnight. It's choosing time for him: he needs to be honest; you need to be strong.

I suggest you sit him down and say you're happy for him to go; no controlling, no grabbiness, but if he wants to come back again to your comfy house and his nice life with you, he needs to be honest with his friend. What about a message to tell her he is with someone and in a relationship, then he facetimes her or whatever they use, with you and you all chat, so you can be sure she understands the setup?

If he refuses this, or says he'll tell her late etc etc, I'd call BS on him. Tell him you wouldn't dream of spoiling his friendship, he's got your blessing to go and you hope they have a great time together but you wouldn't dream of letting him back into your home when he gets back.

This is him wanting to have his cake and eat it. That's not fair. You actually have all the power here. It won't take you long to go through his stuff while he's away and have it bagged up ready to go!

You don't have no right and no need to control him and his behaviour, but you have every right to control who comes into your home and lives with you and your children and you have a responsibility to make sure those people are worthwhile.

Oops, double negative - You have no right and no need... Poor editing, sorry!

I had a very very similar situation with my ex.

Together similar amount of time. He met this woman online about 4 months ago, through a shared love of a particular musician. They would talk all day everyday, phone calls, video chat etc. I raised my concerns which he swiftly shot down saying I was imagining it. She lives 4 hours away so again he said it wouldnt work because of distance. They went to a few gigs together. We ended up splitting up for a few reasons, two days later she says she has feelings for him. Im pretty sure they are together now...

If it doesnt feel right, do something about it. YANBU

Andysbestadventure, have you had all three come and stay under your roof, though?

If your relationship is otherwise good, I would be annoyed but I’d get over it. He’s been immature and has enjoyed the attention from her. That’s not to say he’s going to cheat on you. He sounds like he’s told you about all her texts and photos etc. He’s just enjoyed the attention with no chance of anything actually happening. He’s been “safe”. Now that they’re meeting up, he’s telling her about you.

Immature and the wrong judgement. But I can see how it
Would happen. If you’re otherwise happy I would not throw the relationship away over this.

But you don’t give out anything but the vaguest personal information, if any. Why would you?

So how do you know about these "suicidal" women you keep mentioning, Pretzelcoatl?

You can't have it both ways, you know. Either you keep your distance emotionally and physically, and give meagre (if any) details about yourself to other gamers, or you go out for dinner and then have sex without disclosing that you're in a relationship

Wow .... what a waste of your time he sounds.

He sounds ridiculous & I can't believe you are putting up with this. She has been stringed along all this time & he's clearly lapping up the attention like a little lap dog. And he's going to see her, I mean WTF! If he was intent on setting up boundaries with her he shouldn't be going to visit her. Just a visit to the other gamer friends & her finding out that he was in the area & he skipped going to see her would suffice as a gentle nudge re him 'not being interested'

But no, you've invited him into your home, and the entitled wanker thinks it's ok to flaunt his visit to her under your nose.

A visit to visit her as a friend my arse. He is clearly stuck between wanting to be with you & not ready to shut down anything with her.

Sounds like he's keeping his options open I'm afraid.

You shouldn't have to fight for him to do the right thing, any decent bloke that wanted to be with you would know this is out of order & the situation shouldn't even have been planned.

If I was you I would keep everything sweet for now until he's gone & that would be the end for me, I would pack all his stuff & have it ready for collection upon his return.

Don't be an option to him OP! This isn't right, especially after the topless photo she apparently sent him by mistake.

I'm shocked by how much of a cheeky fucker he is actually being here with your children within 18 months and you’re not even sure you trust him ? What was the hurry ?

This /\ what @Stephminx

Look at this another way. Assuming the gamer boyfriend is working and not just sponging on OP, this planned trip must be holiday he's taking.

So he's got some holiday and he's saved some money and he's in a committed (or just convenient?) live-in relationship with OP and his plan is to use the money and the time with another woman in a different country?

Why was there no nice destination he wanted to whisk OP away to and spend time as a couple?

I hope he isn't funding this jaunt with money he's saved because he isn't paying rent any more...

As I said before, OP has no right to stop him going but every right to stop him coming back to live in her home!

That’s not to say he’s going to cheat on you

Of course not.

Men who receive topless pictures of women who obviously fancy them, and are going to stay overnight with them, never have any intention of having sex - especially when they know that the woman thinks they are both single.

Of course he's going to have sex with her FFS. She's clearly looking forward to meeting him for the first time and having sent him topless pictures is also demonstrating the desire for sex.

She doesn't know that this man is a cheat, though.

I feel very sorry for her, and the OP. And all the DC this man has brought into this mix.

He isn't worth it, OP. Get the bin bags out while he's gone.

@user1471532163 I can see what you’re saying but their relationship isn’t just online gaming. They WhatsApp and Snapchat each other. Not every day so I’m told, but still. She goes to him for advice on everything.
@LilyAraminta
She is excited. A few days ago She sent him a text saying that she woke up today and is really excited about seeing him and has all this stuff planned. She has invited herself along for the rest of the weekend and funnily the wife of the other male gamer friend isn’t happy about it either saying it doesn’t feel right her staying at theirs. I jokingly said to my BF that she’s probably getting her nails and hair and choosing outfits, but I know she bloody well is now as she is hoping the relationship may progress or even just a romantic fling. She’s clearly liked him a lot for years and now he is finally going to visit her. I think he should call her and tell her before he lands on her doorstep. At least give her the option of saying I don’t think I want to see you let alone spend time with you. The whole situation is making me uncomfortable
I was fine with it being online/texting. Even ok about her liking him as long as it stayed appropriate. But now I know why she has crossed the line on so many occasions because SHE HAS NO IDEA I EXIST I’m not really comfortable at all. Especially as she still has no idea and he is going to see her. What if she gets hysterical when she finds out and does something stupid?
I’m trying to be reasonable and fair. I’m trying to understand how this happened and allow him to fix it. I just feel very unsettled about it all. We haven’t even had a chance to properly talk it thru as haven’t seen him as have my kids. I think I need to confront him and get it all out there.
I was so angry the day after I found out I just couldn’t even think about it let alone talk.

What if she gets hysterical when she finds out and does something stupid?

As long as he tells her before he goes, I assure you that she'll tell him to do one and his shagathon is cancelled.

Please tell him that you insist he tells her prior to his journey starting.

If he won't, I think you have your answer and he will have proved what an untrustworthy man he is.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this bizarre situation, OP.

YANBU.
I wonder how he'd feel if you pissed off to meet some guy (and stay over at their house) you'd met online, gaming or not.
I highly doubt he'd approve.
He is crossing boundaries. Don't let him get away with it.
Tell him you aren't comfortable with it. If he goes, you know where you stand.