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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend not told his female friend about me. AIBU to be concerned?

124 replies

dalmationdotty · 09/10/2019 00:26

Long story short. Been seeing my DP for over 18 months now. Before we met he used to game online a lot and had a couple good friends online, one being female. They have never met as just online friends but they text as well. Once he split with his ex this female friend made it known she liked him. She lives far away and he said it wouldn’t work. Anyway I come along and we are very happy. I know about her, I know she likes him I know they text. He says they are friends. He says he has never given her any reason to think he likes her other than as a friend. Yet she sends him photos of herself dressed up to go out or videos of herself singing and once sent him a picture of herself topless tho she said it was a mistake. I have got quite irritated over time about it saying to him I think it’s out of order she does this knowing he is with someone. He is now planning a trip to go see her and the other gaming friend he has. I’ve been a little concerned about it but I trust him and he reassured me they are just mates and he loves me. But then the other night after he’d been out with mates he comes home and says to me that actually he has never ever told her about me. That as far as she knows he isn’t with anyone. He says he didn’t want to hurt her feelings but he is going to tell her now. I’m flabbergasted and confused. I was also very very angry with him but he says that I’m over reacting and that he’s done nothing wrong except try not to upset her. I’m really not sure what to think. He’s going over to see her in 2 weeks. I feel a little sick. He’s just moved in with me and my kids and his kids have all met and get on. I’ve invested so much in him and I can’t throw it all away. Am I over reacting to be furious and feel betrayed and made a fool of?

OP posts:
ILearnedItFromABook · 09/10/2019 03:21

I'm afraid it would be ultimatum time, for me.

First: He has to tell her the truth now-- not wait until they're face-to-face. I would want to know exactly what he told her, too, to be sure he wasn't minimising the relationship or telling half-truths.

Second: Under no circumstances can he stay at her house. (I also wouldn't be happy if she was staying in the other friends house at the same time that he does.)

Honestly, I'm not sure I could trust him to tell the truth about housing arrangements, though, so I'd be more comfortable if he cancelled the trip altogether. (Don't care if it seems controlling. He's temporarily lost some of his freedom, now, if he wants to stay in a relationship with me. His choice whether or not I'm worth the sacrifice.)

Even if he complied with both demands, it would take a long time before I felt I could trust him completely. I hope he's worth the trouble.

Pretzelcoatl · 09/10/2019 04:25

@TheMustressMhor

The OP said her SO was going on a trip to visit his two online friends, one of which is the woman in question. Where was it said he was spending the night with her?

Pretzelcoatl · 09/10/2019 04:28

@TheMustressMhor

No, the photos just arrive. Shotgunned out to many, in my experience, for the attention it garners.

You maintain the status quo and try to not potentially push a real person to do something stupid in response to your actions. No need to make me out to be a creep.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 09/10/2019 04:33

He’s very good at convincing me I’m totally over reacting
Hmmm.... I BET he is.

He's loves her attention, and loves the fact she's so into him. It doesn't suit him to give that up. Far better for him to get all defensive with you, and guilt you into sucking it up.
And he totally doesn't care how that makes you feel. Does he?

DeathStare · 09/10/2019 04:38

user1471532163 and Pretzelcoatl - I assume you are one and the same? So you accept topless photos from these women. You do not rebuff their attempts to form a relationships with you. You chat with them. You meet with them. And you deliberately withhold (or lie about) personal information so that they are unaware you are uninterested/unavailable. And you do this knowing that some of them are suicidal.

And you say No need to make me out to be a creep The only person making you out to be a creep is you. Because you are a creep.

And you don't do it to maintain the status quo - that's just what you tell yourself to convince yourself there is no problem with the way you act. You do it because you get a kick out of it.

OP - your OH wants to have his cake and eat it. And he is prepared to use both you and his "friend" to do so. He's a shit boyfriend and a shit friend. You both deserve better.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 09/10/2019 04:47

So he could tell her about his ex and that he'd split up with her, but not about him meeting somebody new? And then continue not telling her for 18 months while she flirted, sent nude(s) and got her hopes up while he was happily committed to another person? And now he's not only meeting up but staying over? I don't buy that this is innocent or protecting himself from potentially crazy gaming chick, @user1471532163 . He can't tell her the whole truth now, she would be very hurt and offended that he had let her make a fool of herself for so long. Good mates don't do that, and she's about to trust him enough to stay in her house.

He's also lied by omission to the OP bevause he didn't correct her immediately when she said (on multiple occasions) that she thought it was weird/out if order got the gamer chick to behave as she did towards him knowing he had a girlfriend. He knowingly allowed you to believe she knew when he knew full well she didn't. He's comfortable with you his girlfriend not knowing the truth and her his "good friend" not knowing the truth either. You're damn right to be suspicious.

Pretzelcoatl · 09/10/2019 05:08

@DeathStare

Yes, one and the same.

Photos come through - you don’t know what they are until you have them. Most are memes.

Like anybody you meet online in a game, especially with voice, you chat and talk and have something in common to do. But you don’t give out anything but the vaguest personal information, if any. Why would you?

I don’t need to convince myself of anything - all it takes is a few personal instances of people pushing you too far before you just maintain an aloof friendliness online. I’m sorry that you think there’s anything positive in this that I’d get a kick out of.

OP, good luck with however you proceed. Use your best judgement and I hope things work out for you.

Pretzelcoatl · 09/10/2019 05:16

@Coffeeandchocolate9

Yes, I would be more comfortable talking about closed past life chapters than current ongoing ones to online friends.

Yes, he did lie by omission by not correcting the OP about the online friend knowing of her existence, but I take that to be in response to the generally negative attitude of the OP towards that friend.

I would be interested to know if the other friend the OP’s SO is going to visit is in near proximity to the female, and if they are all going to meet up together. Also the specific travel arrangements.

DeathStare · 09/10/2019 05:16

Pretzelcoatl

we could meet up and have dinner or something
That is not the same as just maintain an aloof friendliness online

TORDEVAN · 09/10/2019 05:20

He's not going to tell her. Why would he ruin his trip? He clearly likes her attention.

If he does tell her she is going to be crushed, she will definitely think this visit is the start of something.

Whilst I agree with what's been said about not telling online friends details about you, you can and should rebuff these things kindly and much much sooner without much detail at all.

For me it would be the end, he's lied! and now going to stay with her.

Pretzelcoatl · 09/10/2019 05:21

@DeathStare

Sure, but meeting in a public place away from where you live is certainly a safer way to do so. Especially if it’s a user meet with lots of people from that particular online community.

Also, I’ve just seen that the place is for OP’s SO to spend a night at each friend’s place. Probably not a great idea for his relationship at this point. Best to get a hotel or spend both nights at the other friend’s place.

MyOtherProfile · 09/10/2019 05:35

The OP said her SO was going on a trip to visit his two online friends, one of which is the woman in question. Where was it said he was spending the night with her?

@pretzelcoatl right here:
What started as a I’m just meeting her for a drink had now turned into him staying over at hers one night and then her going on to join him at the other mates house.

DeathStare · 09/10/2019 05:38

Pretzelcoatl Actually if you aren't willing to have an honest relationship with them then not meeting them at all is the safest thing to do. Meeting someone and having dinner with them is not maintaining an aloof online friendliness, no matter how much you might try to kid yourself that it is.

Meeting up with someone who has sent you topless photos and who you feel may be suicidal is neither being aloof or being honest. If you want to be aloof and stay safe (and nothing wrong with that) then don't meet with them. But if you choose to meet with them and have dinner with them then you are no longer maintaining an aloof online acquaintanceship, so don't pretend that you are and as a way to defend being dishonest.

Best to get a hotel or spend both nights at the other friend’s place
I disagree. If he wants to keep his relationship it's best that he doesn't go at all. I definitely don't see how booking a hotel would help!

AmIThough · 09/10/2019 05:41

He'll tell her when he sees her, so he can tell you he's told her but it's not actually written down anywhere.
He won't tell her. He'll convince you she's just a friend and will continue playing you both.

Blueoasis · 09/10/2019 05:43

Yeah I agree with others he either cancels the trip or you split up. He will sleep with her if he goes, he loves the attention

You could just get his phone and tell her yourself though. I doubt he will ever tell her, and the poor girl needs to know what kind of man he is before getting herself involved with him.

ukgift2016 · 09/10/2019 05:47

Well he is a total twat. What are you doing to do about it?

If it was me, it be over.

Durgasarrow · 09/10/2019 05:50

It sounds as if you feel powerless. But you do have power over what is acceptable to you.

msmith501 · 09/10/2019 05:58

He's probably a magician or mage in the online game.... he's going to show her his magic wand and she's going to make it disappear. I've seen a lot of friends relationships go down this route after several years of playing World of Warcraft - the online adventures with a total stranger who can represent themselves however they like seem to be quite intoxicating and not at all like real life. I think it's time for a reality check. I doubt this will end well.

Pretzelcoatl · 09/10/2019 06:00

@DeathStare

You know I’m not OP’s SO, right? You know I’m not simultaneously being safely aloof AND having dinner with with someone who has sent me topless photos, right?

I’m not pretending anything, and I’m not being dishonest. I’m saying I prefer to keep my online life online, and my real life real, and have found than minimal overlap works best for me.

I’m also saying that I can totally see myself doing what the OP has reported her SO has done, without there being any sinister ulterior motive.

As for keeping his relationship meaning he doesn’t get to meet his friends, well, ultimatums happen. Assuming he is actually going to meet them - as friends - I’m not sure that any relationship is worth preserving if one partner is going to dictate who the other can and can’t meet.

Also, I’m not defending the guy. I’ve mostly been defending myself here, but lots of what the OP has reported he’s done isn’t unreasonable IMO. That said, since this has become an issue with a countdown (meeting in real life), it would be good if - assuming he is on the level - for him to make clear to the female friend that he is in a relationship, has been for some time, and ideally he should do it with the OP watching the conversation.

But only if this would satisfy her and she didn’t feel that it entitles her to have authority over his interpersonal relationships in the future.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 06:30

But only if this would satisfy her and she didn’t feel that it entitles her to have authority over his interpersonal relationships in the future

@PretzelCoatl

Oh, I think she's entitled to some authority over her relationship with him - not over his future, unspecified interpersonal relationships.

OP has not been in the least controlling here, BTW. She has asked for advice on how to proceed, bearing in mind that for the last eighteen months she believed that her boyfriend's female friend was aware that he was in an allegedly committed relationship.

In fact, it would seem that it is anything but committed on this low-life's part.

Yes. The OP is entitled to some respect here.

Your comments are not really helping here as you're defending the indefensible.

FrivolousPancake · 09/10/2019 06:46

He is weighing up his options, he’s most definitely be sleeping with her over there and will decide whether to chuck you on his return. You putting him and his kids will probably swing it your way for a while.

I wouldn’t have any interest in a man like this OP. Selfish and immature, you can surely do better (and being single is better)

OooErMissus · 09/10/2019 06:58

You can't trust a word that comes out of this guy's mouth.

He's lying to you.

He's lying to her.

Whether it's outright, or by omission, what does it matter?

You're not getting, nor ever will get, the truth.

Cut your losses - this isn't a decent man.

Pretzelcoatl · 09/10/2019 06:59

@TheMustressMhor

She of course has full authority over her relationships - including the one with him - but not over his.

I also didn’t say she was being controlling, just a caveat that if he were to demonstrate his intentions to her in the way I outlined, that it shouldn’t become a habit that she has to vet his relationships with other people. She can always vote with her feet.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 07:06

I don't think anyone has said that the OP should have authority over her OH's relationships.

She is, however, entitled to know what he is saying (or not saying, in this case) to a woman who believes him to be single, who has sent him topless phots, and with whom he intends to have sex.

Even if he hasn't admitted to the OP that sex is on the cards, of course. Because we can all see that it is.

bigvig · 09/10/2019 07:10

I agree with previous posters. He either doesn't go or he moves out. Even if it is innocent - which I doubt - he has to show some commitment and respect. He has been lying so that's why I wouldn't trust him. I would be worried that he was only interested in me because I could provide a house. What financial situation in? I may also be inclined to ask him to move out for a while to see if his interest in the relationship disappears.