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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby changing/feeding room - was I in the wrong?

151 replies

sophiekitten92 · 08/10/2019 15:46

Today I took my four week old baby out into town for the first time on my own. After a couple of hours, she woke up needing a free, so at 11:51 I popped into the ‘family room’ in Debenhams (a room with baby changing, little toilets and a chair for nursing).

I was breastfeeding my daughter when somebody tries to open the locked door, and then spent the next 5 minutes making loud, passive-aggressive comments - “ugh when will it be our turn”, “some people just take too long in the baby room!” and finally repeatedly trying to open the door to prove a point, even though I was obviously still there. I left the room at 12:00.

Am I the only one who thinks this women was totally rude?!

OP posts:
FunOnTheBeach20 · 09/10/2019 07:45

You’ll soon gain more confidence, but in the meantime feed where you feel comfortable.

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2019 07:45

Maybe start to think about it this way if you are sitting in the room in the feeding chair anyone who walks in has to have an expectation that someone might be feeding there. Do next time simply don’t lock the door and take it slowly

But yes the hardest thing is other people’s reactions

londonrach · 09/10/2019 07:47

Yabu to lock the door as its a shared one with several toilets. Yanbu as she was rude however you can bf anywhere (appreciate you new to this) and if only changing mat thats a long time. Sounds like its a room that needs adjusting. Removing the lock for starters. Curtain for bf etc

Preggosaurus9 · 09/10/2019 07:47

Sounds like you were using the baby changing room not a feeding room. If there were no other changing facilities available then YABU.

BF may be the first activity you do in public with your DC which attracts dickheads negative reactions, but believe me it won't be the last. You have got to get a tougher skin. Toddler on reins = ooh keeping the child like a dog, how awful! Toddler walking not on reins = ooh so dangerous, how awful! Toddler kept in buggy = poor mite, trapped like that, how awful!

People are twats and I'm sorry you have been subject to anti bf knobheads. They can all fuck right off.

Countryescape · 09/10/2019 07:54

@M0reGinPlease why is it that whenever anyone expresses an alternate view to themselves it’s called “nasty”? From why I read it was a place meant to be available for more than one person. The OP locked the door and stopped others from entering. In my opinion that’s selfish and not that nice. Reiterating it is MY opinion which I’m entitled to.

edgeofheaven · 09/10/2019 07:56

She shouldn't have been rude but I've been on the other side of this situation. Baby had a terrible poonami and there was a woman who'd locked herself into the family room to breastfeed for 10-15 minutes. I breastfed mine and if I did so in a family room I never locked it.

AmIThough · 09/10/2019 07:56

@Countryescape you're being nasty by calling a new mom 'precious' for wanting to breastfeed in private.

Some people are comfortable breastfeeding in public, but many of us aren't. My baby is 21 weeks and I'm still not comfortable breastfeeding in public - that doesn't make me precious.

M0reGinPlease · 09/10/2019 07:58

@Countryescape I think calling the OP, a new mum, 'precious' was uncalled for. It's not about having a different opinion, but the nasty comment you put with it.

TequilaPilates · 09/10/2019 08:04

The thing is, if it's ok for people to lock themselves into these rooms for as long as it takes then the op and others who agree with what she did are likely one day going to find themselves on the other side of the locked door. How will you feel then?

If you won't feed in public how would you deal with your baby crying to be fed but find you are locked out of a suitable room for an hour by another mum?

Surely it's about treating others as we'd like to be treated ourselves?

Countryescape · 09/10/2019 08:05

You’ve missed the point. I’m entitled to my opinion. And free speech. As are you. I mean it’s okay for you to call me nasty right? But I can’t say what I think. Whatever

80spumpkin · 09/10/2019 08:07

If it’s like the family toilet/room
In my local debenhams then you would not go in and leave the door unlocked! It’s meant for use by 1 family as there are two toilets but they are just in the room with no cubicle round them. My local debenhams also has a baby changing room in addition to the family room so it’s more likely that this mum wanted to use the toilet herself but take her pram in the room with her (which is what I usually use my local one for) but YANBU as you were in it first using it so that’s just tough luck to her.

Beautiful3 · 09/10/2019 08:21

It's a shared space so I would have let another person in while breast feeding.

ArizonaRobbins · 09/10/2019 08:33

YAB a bit unreasonable I think. However I never breastfed my girls so I dunno.

What I would say however is that there is a special place in hell for those fannies who batter locked doors. Fuck off and wait your turn. it’s clearly occupied so stop trying to bully and intimidate your way in.

Buddytheelf85 · 09/10/2019 08:50

I’ve never seen a room of the kind you describe so not quite sure of the set up. As a new mum myself I totally get the shyness about BFing in public (it goes, honestly). but reading your post my blood did run cold at the thought of someone feeding in the changing room for half an hour when my baby’s done a huge explosive poo. One of the ones where it starts dripping out of the foot of their babygro (happened the other day!)

On that basis I have to say YWBU - you just can’t monopolise shared facilities for that long.

Hope you feel more comfortable BFing in public soon.

AmIThough · 09/10/2019 09:07

@TequilaPilates honestly? I'd go and sit in the car to feed baby.
Fortunately my baby is combination fed (partly because I can't BF in public!)

80spumpkin · 09/10/2019 09:20

I wish people would stop saying it’s a shared space cos unless you’re willing to sit and pee in front of strangers then it’s not a shared space- it’s basically one large toilet with one door with a lock on it.

Brefugee · 09/10/2019 09:29

Also - to everyone saying I need to practice breastfeeding in public - I am trying to work up my confidence with this. I have large beasts (cup size GG) and when I have tried this in public - with my husband with me in a cafe - I have already experienced stares from males, tuts and even a couple huffing as soon as I whipped the boob out to feed and then moving away and shaking their heads.

Oh that sounds awful. But you are in the right and they are in the wrong. (can i ask how you do it? I have GG and i used to wear a fairly baggy top (sweatshirt or whatever) and unlatch the bra - i used a nursing bra - then lift my baggy sweatshirt up from the bottom and let the baby latch on. It was fairly discreet - but it was what i felt comfortable with. No stares that i noticed, but then i didn't generally give a flying fuck about it, tbh and i realise that is not the default new mum position.. After the baby finished i used to just pull my top over my boob, sort the baby back into the pram, then stick my hand up my top to fasten the bra)

Good luck! it is hard at first, but do what you are comfortable with.

raspberryk · 09/10/2019 09:38

@MaryPopppins fuck off yourself.

I stated if she felt the need for privacy use the fitting rooms, there's more than one of those and rarely more than one place to change a baby.

I'm also not the only one to think she was being unreasonable but thanks for singling me out Hmm

Original poster
sophiekitten92 · 09/10/2019 09:48

@Brefugee - I’ve been wearing off shoulder tops/wrap dresses where I can slip the boob out and pop it back in afterwards. I’ve tried to make it as discreet as possible but they are SO big I’m still working on it!

OP posts:
tumbleisatwat · 09/10/2019 09:53

@Countryescape

The right to have an opinion is not the same as having the right to have that respected. That doesn't exist.

Breastfeeding is bloody hard, particularly in the beginning. No idea why OP is getting a hard time from some idiots.

BarbaraStrozzi · 09/10/2019 10:02

Sophie have you tried layering?

I found wrap tops/anything you had to shove downwards to get at your breasts left me feeling really exposed.

A camisole underneath to cover my midriff and a top I could shove upwards worked far better for me - hardly anything visible, much more comfortable.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 09/10/2019 10:03

Breast feeding is brilliant, but it has to work for mothers not just babies and wider society. You are likely to supply better milk if you are relaxed and comfortable rather than hiding out in a locked toilet. You need to eat and drink too and my best advice is not to compromise on your comfort and nutrition because a few feckers might glimpse some human flesh.

Feed where you can be comfortable and enjoy a drink.

My go to feeding in public outfit was a T-shirt with an open shirt or cardie and a scarf. A lot more discreet than a sweater. Smile I also preferred ordinary pull on bras to dedicated feeding ones, especially once the milk supply had settled.

If you have a coat with you, you can usually squash it up into some sort of armrest to make it more comfy too. Flowers

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 09/10/2019 10:20

I’ve just remembered there is a breast feeding group in our area that meets once a week in the cafe of a local book shop. Do you have anything similar near you Sophie? I’m wondering if It might be easier to have the company of other mothers until you have your confidence.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 09/10/2019 11:48

I’m not sure if I’m allowed to share products here but I invested in some “B shirts” and they are by far the best feeding tops I own. I wore them alone in the summer and now underneath long sleeved tops.

Glera · 09/10/2019 11:56

For those who are saying yo should have fed in the cafe: no! You shouldn’t feel forced to feed in public at all, especially so early on in the breastfeeding journey. You were right to use the family room for that if you felt you’d be more comfortable there.

However, maybe locking the door wasn’t quite the right choice. I appreciate you had a screaming child but it doesn’t mean no one else should use the room. By going in there, you had privacy away from the public but another parent perhaps should be entitled to use the changing facilities too. I was locked out of a family space recently, I wanted to feed and was locked out for ten minutes while a nappy change was done. It was very disgruntled but didn’t passive aggressively huff or moan (just swore a lot internally).

But never feel forced to feed in public if you aren’t happy to. That’s what these spaces are for - but maybe more for sharing.