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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby changing/feeding room - was I in the wrong?

151 replies

sophiekitten92 · 08/10/2019 15:46

Today I took my four week old baby out into town for the first time on my own. After a couple of hours, she woke up needing a free, so at 11:51 I popped into the ‘family room’ in Debenhams (a room with baby changing, little toilets and a chair for nursing).

I was breastfeeding my daughter when somebody tries to open the locked door, and then spent the next 5 minutes making loud, passive-aggressive comments - “ugh when will it be our turn”, “some people just take too long in the baby room!” and finally repeatedly trying to open the door to prove a point, even though I was obviously still there. I left the room at 12:00.

Am I the only one who thinks this women was totally rude?!

OP posts:
Latenightreader · 08/10/2019 16:36

When my baby was four weeks old I would have done the same as you - I was really twitchy and the thought of feeding in public, and even semi-public, sent me into a panic (lack of sleep, hormones, crushing fear of getting it wrong - fun stuff like that). Now she's eleven months I'd happily whip out a boob on the bus... It will get easier to navigate.

AiryFairyMum · 08/10/2019 16:36

YWBU to lock the door.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 08/10/2019 16:37

4 weeks in is very new. I'd enjoy a cuppa in the cafe and a proper rest. It's far better than feeding in a smelly loo!

I'm sorry the woman was rude.

sleepylittlebunnies · 08/10/2019 16:38

The baby change room in our Debenhams is a massive open space, it has an adult toilet, a little toilet, a feeding area (not screened off) and 2 baby change stations.

I’ve gone in there with DC, I could easily fit the pram in there, lock the door and use the toilet myself, toilet 2 and 4 year old then unlock the door and change baby’s nappy. That way anyone else can use it. There’s tons of room for prams. There’s also a sofa outside ours so if you don’t need complete privacy you could feed there.

I always tried to feed in cafes, I became expert at finding a nice comfy seat in a quiet corner. Some cafes are fine with you sitting and feeding first then ordering. DC1 took about 45 minutes to feed but luckily DC 2&3 were 5-10 minutes.

You will gain experience and confidence in time. Places like Debenhams and M&S are also happy for you to sit in a changing cubicle to breast feed.

Quartz2208 · 08/10/2019 16:38

I have to say it is multiple use by the sounds of it - the lock was not there for you to necessarily use so yes I think you were being unreasonable if you prevented anyone else from using the baby and child facilities at Debenhams

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 08/10/2019 16:41

I don't think you were being unreasonable.
But it'll be so much easier for you if you can build confidence to feed in public.

I fed twins and a single in public and I genuinely don't know how I'd have done it if I couldn't do wherever needed. Mine needed to feed all the bloody time and for really unpredictable times. I never had any negative reactions despite getting both boobs out in public (when tandem feeding) and more than once lovely people offering to get me water etc.

Breast feeding is wonderful but it's a pain unless you can make it work in your life.

ColaFreezePop · 08/10/2019 16:42

I would never bf in a baby changing room. Lots of them are really smelly and unhygienic which when you have a toddler you will discover why.

You are better of working out which cafes/coffee shops have seats in nice corners, grabbing a cuppa in a takeaway cup so you can move it away from little hands and feeding there.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 08/10/2019 16:46

I feel sorry for the poor woman trying to get into a space that is clearly meant for more than one person. I knew a man who would have to use these 'family rooms' to change and clean up his incontinent disabled wife and it is for these situations that there is a lock. The woman might have had an elderly person with her.

When you're just sitting there breastfeeding you don't need to lock other people out.

Rant: I'm disabled and yesterday I was in a medical building toilets. There are four regular stalls and a disabled one on the end. Someone was in the disabled one so I had to struggle with the regular one which was so low with no hand rail I thought I wasn't going to be able to get up. I had to pull on the little attached bin meant for spent san pro. When I was washing my hands the woman comes out of the disabled loo and she was a able-bodied nurse! It appears she went in the end one to take a nice peaceful shit. End Rant.

Expressedways · 08/10/2019 16:48

Sorry but YWBU if that’s the only loo big enough to push a pram into and/or the only the only changing table. The lock is presumably so you can use the loo, not so you can occupy the space to breastfeed for 10 minutes. The other woman was probably desperate for loo herself but didn’t want to lift the sleeping baby out of the pram, wake them up and then have to juggle them on her lap whilst she went. I see why she was annoyed and she doesn’t sound that rude tbh. It’s early in though and you’re still learning. Next time feed in the cafe with a drink, it’ll be much nicer for you and more consider to others.

Potnoodledoo · 08/10/2019 16:50

Where i live the shopping centre has 2 big rooms.Separate.They both have a comfy chair,a toilet,sink and changing area.You can lock the door.Then oppisotie theres the dual combo of changing area and disabled toilets.And then theres ladies/gents toilets beside it.

It works well,if you are feeding and have other children.You are not in terror of them getting out.

I think in this day and age there should be separate changing and feeding places.

And not everybody feels comfortable feeding in a cafe.Especially your first who is only a few weeks old.And you are getting to grips with it.

holidays987 · 08/10/2019 16:52

I'd have been a bit annoyed to be honest if I really needed to change a nappy and someone was just sat there all that time feeding. Having said that, I would have just found another toilet to change baby in if the person inside the cubicle had said they would still be a while.

I'd never have been rude like the lady in your example, but I do think you were being a little unreasonable too. It's early days anyway and I was a nervous wreck first taking my baby out.

AllFourOfThem · 08/10/2019 16:53

She was rude regardless. However, I think the right and normal thing is to let someone in to change their baby or for their toddler to use a small toilet whilst you use the breastfeeding chair.

I appreciate you are only four weeks in but you need to work on your confidence for feeding when you are out as you can’t rely on there being a quiet room available for you to use.

SamAntHaHa · 08/10/2019 16:58

@sophiekitten92
That woman was being very rude. I don't remember anyone being that rude when I used various family toilets.
If there is a lock then you can use it. If there are people around who are that rude then you wouldn't want to be sharing the space with them anyway.
I explored most shops and cafes to find out all the places I could go when needed. Cinemas, libraries, council offices etc.
If the toilets are in the open then even more reason for people to expect the door to be locked.
Even if the toilet area has it's own lockable door I found some family toilets had locks because the pushchair wouldn't fit in the toilet area. Therefore to stop there being a chance of people walking in and stealing the pushchair whilst you are busy in the toilet or breastfeeding.
There will sometimes be people trying to use these areas when they don't even have children but they want to use the baby changing table to take drugs on.

Brefugee · 08/10/2019 17:15

I really don't know why you couldn't have called out that you'd need a minute or two.

I appreciate it's your first baby and everything is new and scary, but if you have a toddler who has peed their pants, or worse, and someone comes out of the changing room having been feeding a baby I'd be cross.

(also - bf in the café, it is much nicer and they usually give you at least a glass of water while you're there. I usually got a free cup of tea and a biscuit)

GPatz · 08/10/2019 17:15

Not everyone feels comfortable enough to feed in a cafe, either starting out or experienced. I don't think YWBU to lock the door, but in future, I you might want to say you were feeding and let someone in.

She was just bloody rude. If you have multiple children with nappies to change, that can also take time. A five minute wait is nothing.

AJ1425 · 08/10/2019 17:23

YANBU. The lock is there to be used. I usually use debenhams for the toilets as it means I can change the baby and me and my daughter can go the toilet all in once place, without having to use the disabled. I've not seen one with a breastfeeding area, but the point is the lock is there to be used. People who rattle doors are incredibly rude. If someone is taking a long time in there it's not likely to be for the fun of it so rattling and banging on the door isn't going to speed anything up!

FindusCrispyPancakes · 08/10/2019 17:24

Those rooms in debenhams are baby changing rooms, I wouldn't say they are a breastfeeding room. You were wrong I'm afraid. Why can't you sit in a cafe feeding? 1 month in you can't still be trying to work out what to do (I've breastfed 2 children so I know what it's like).

This has happened to us in a cafe when our son did a monster shit, woman was in there 30min. We had to eat with a baby up to the neck in poo (think in armpits), I was fuming!!

FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/10/2019 17:25

You were not being unreasonable. If she was desperate to change her child she could have knocked and asked politely.

Well done for getting out and about OP. I hope it was a success.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 08/10/2019 17:27

I’d have let her in. Your need doesn’t trump her need and the room is meant to be shared.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 08/10/2019 17:28

However I disagree with a PP who said the rooms aren’t for feeding - they are for feeding too. And I’d not sit in the cafe breastfeeding, especially not when there’s a private room available for that exact purpose!

LittleDancers · 08/10/2019 17:29

I don't blame you for locking the door, I don't think you were in the wrong to do it, and she was rude so that wasn't right at all, but TBH out of courtesy to other potential users I'd probably not have locked the door of a room with a baby change unit and toilet facilities for a BF session.

Even if you didn't hear the baby crying it doesn't mean the baby didn't need changing or hadn't done a massive leaky poo.

Having been on the other side of the door myself where someone is in there for ages... and ages... and ages... with no signs of movement and when you have a baby with you who really needs changing, it's beyond irritating to be waiting for what seems like forever especially if you've had a bad day yourself already. I'd never knock on the door or hurry someone up but I'd definitely be thinking - why the heck is the occupier taking so long in there? Why are they hogging the one baby room? Smile

babybrain77 · 08/10/2019 17:33

Rude and passive aggressive comments were unnecessary, even if hindsight would tell you that there may have been space for others.

If I were you though, I'd forget about that and give yourself a huge pat on the back for getting yourself out and about in the pouring rain with a 4 week old and finding a spot to successfully calm and feed your screaming baby. I was nowhere near that together at 4 weeks PP and still needed about a gazillion pillows/cushions to get myself into a tolerable feeding position.

pumkinseason · 08/10/2019 17:33

She was wrong to be rude but you shouldn't have locked the door for that length of time if it was the accessible toilet and you weren't using it.

firawla · 08/10/2019 17:36

In that situation, she was not really rude probably more just frustrated about not being able to access the space and you not even answering her. Ultimately I think you were more rude to lock it and then not call out to her and explain or anything, but I get you are only a few weeks in and it’s daunting, so it’s more of a misunderstanding but what do you think she was supposed to do if she had a really urgent need to use rh

Nonnymum · 08/10/2019 17:36

YANBU but I don't think I would have bothered locking the door.