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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think telling someone "you're raising your voice" is not the best way to calm someone down?

106 replies

Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 14:42

I've had anger issues in the past, nothing major but the anger would eventually turn to anxiety/panic attacks if not dealt with correctly. Fortunately I haven't had many of those in the past couple of years so my DH hasn't seen how bad they can get.

I've been very stressed lately, had a terrible day yesterday and I'm also panicking about giving birth (37 weeks at the moment). DH was being stubborn about something (not disagreeing but what he was saying didn't change anything as I wanted further clarification from our solicitors).

All I was saying is that we couldn't be sure so best to ask. He was saying he thought it was clear enough (or it made sense a certain way) but better safe than sorry. And he proved his point a few times. At some point I started to raise my voice (because I was getting frustrated). That didn't calm me down at all and had to deal with it the best way possible and then explained to him to please just distract me, that that will have much better results.

I'm still slightly pissed off because he keeps saying he didn't "deserve it" but he's not helping in that matter nor in theory nor in practice and really all I needed was a hug.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 08/10/2019 14:45

It’s not okay to start shouting at people during a disagreement. Maybe - being the one shouted at - he is the one who needed a hug? He is also not the one responsible for managing your anger - you are.

AloeVeraLynn · 08/10/2019 14:48

Its nobody else's job to manage your anger for you. I'd suggest going back over coping strategies you can use to manage this yourself. The tiredness and stress of a newborn could spell disaster if you have uncontrolled anger problems.

Wolfiefan · 08/10/2019 14:49

Shouting at him isn’t the way to get a hug. He’s not responsible for you being angry. You need to manage your own emotions without shouting at him.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 08/10/2019 14:49

It's pretty rare if you raise your voice or yell at someone their reaction is going to be to hug you.

You need to apologise for raising your voice, explain why it happened, and say you just needed a hug but understand you didn't express your needs well.

TamarindCove · 08/10/2019 14:49

My child shouts with frustration and we have many conversations about it not being an acceptable way to communicate.

I will not entertain a conversation with someone shouting at me, my child included.

user1472709746 · 08/10/2019 14:50

I think ultimately people are responsible for managing their own anger but yes I can see why it would irritate you in the moment.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 08/10/2019 14:51

No but then raising your voice like a child isn’t going to get you anywhere either 🤷🏻‍♀️

FelixFelicis6 · 08/10/2019 14:51

No, you need to manage your anger yourself. Take some responsibility.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 14:51

I never really shouted at him, just started to raise my voice. Never said anything like "you're being X or Y". After the horrible years I went through it's a joint effort, it isn't very different from depression/anxiety it's related in the end, you would ask your loved ones for help, wouldn't you?

I had also just been shouted at by my mother. I carry the whole weight of the house. When he gets angsy I just ignore him or talk about something else, I never engage with him even though he can be cruel something I'm not.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 08/10/2019 14:51

I agree with everyone. Your DH is the one being shouted at and you’re somehow feeling sorry for yourself about it

PawPawNoodle · 08/10/2019 14:52

You're entirely unreasonable. If anyone raises their voice to me I directly tell them and to stop it immediately, I don't care if it makes that person upset.

You don't get to control your partner by raising your voice and then victimising yourself.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 08/10/2019 14:52

After the horrible years I went through it's a joint effort, it isn't very different from depression/anxiety it's related in the end, you would ask your loved ones for help, wouldn't you?

It’s not okay for you to blame him for not managing your temper. At all.

Wolfiefan · 08/10/2019 14:52

He can be cruel and you’re having a child with him? Confused
You raised your voice. You didn’t ask for help.

user1493413286 · 08/10/2019 14:52

I’m a bit on the fence here because I don’t think it’s his responsibility to manage your emotions but equally if he was in complete control of his then the kind thing for him to do is help you out.
Pregnancy hormones can make me really struggle and if DH can stay calm and not get annoyed then it does help me calm back down.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 14:54

I've been asking for help all day. In the end of we can't buy the house it's all on me. Providing for our child only falls on me. Yes, I get his moral support most of the time but I can't understand why he can't see that I'm beyond stressed and being stubborn about something completely irrelevant makes no difference.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 08/10/2019 14:55

  1. I don’t tolerate anyone raising their voice to me- I give them one warning before I end the conversation. Telling you “you’re raising your voice” was him asking you not to- he wasn’t tying to calm you down- he was asking for respect.

  2. it’s not his job to calm you down when you’re being angry/aggressive/shouty. He’s entitled to point out your poor behaviour - that does make it his responsibility to fix.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 08/10/2019 14:56

Why does providing for your child and the house all fall on you?

Cleverplayonwords · 08/10/2019 14:57

I distract my 3yo when he gets angry and shouts. You are not 3 and your DH isn't your mother.

Why were you even shouting at him. This reads as if you were basically saying the same thing?

All I was saying is that we couldn't be sure so best to ask. He was saying he thought it was clear enough (or it made sense a certain way) but better safe than sorry.

I'm ignoring the drip feeds as if they were really relevant you'd have said so before people starting disagreeing with you.

Gazelda · 08/10/2019 14:58

OP, I agree with the majority. You raising your voice to him was your fault, not his. I'd be hoping for an apology if I were him.

That said, you're 37 weeks and trying to make a tricky property purchase. And I think you're still working? No wonder you're feeling stressed.

And perhaps he is too?

Try to find a way to relieve some of the stress. A sleep, walk, mindfulness, trash tv etc.

Be kind to each other.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 14:59

Because he has no money. He works FT with a low salary and has high commuting costs. All I get is £600 a month and our joint expenses are closer to at least £1700.

I don't even make more money than him, it's the good will of my family and the luck of an inheritance that keeps us afloat.

I knew this, and I generally don't have an issue about it, but he fails to see it from my POV of how stressful it can get.

OP posts:
Cleverplayonwords · 08/10/2019 14:59

I distract my 3yo when he gets angry and shouts. You are not 3 and your DH isn't your mother.

Why were you even shouting at him. This reads as if you were basically saying the same thing?

All I was saying is that we couldn't be sure so best to ask. He was saying he thought it was clear enough (or it made sense a certain way) but better safe than sorry.

I'm ignoring the drip feeds as if they were really relevant you'd have said so before people starting disagreeing with you.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 08/10/2019 15:00

Well that’s a separate issue. It doesn’t make shouting okay.

Wolfiefan · 08/10/2019 15:00

Anger issues or anxiety? It honestly sounds like you’re making excuses for bad behaviour.
If he’s sometimes cruel and always useless then you need to prepare to be a single family.
But I’m not sure that’s the case.

Drogosnextwife · 08/10/2019 15:00

Good god does no one on MN ever raise their voice when having an argument or a disagreement with their partner? Really? I'm not buying it at all.

Cleverplayonwords · 08/10/2019 15:01

I had also just been shouted at by my mother.

So you were upset because your mum has just shouted at you? Then you were upset because you shouted at your husband?

When does your husband get to feel upset btw?

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