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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think telling someone "you're raising your voice" is not the best way to calm someone down?

106 replies

Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 14:42

I've had anger issues in the past, nothing major but the anger would eventually turn to anxiety/panic attacks if not dealt with correctly. Fortunately I haven't had many of those in the past couple of years so my DH hasn't seen how bad they can get.

I've been very stressed lately, had a terrible day yesterday and I'm also panicking about giving birth (37 weeks at the moment). DH was being stubborn about something (not disagreeing but what he was saying didn't change anything as I wanted further clarification from our solicitors).

All I was saying is that we couldn't be sure so best to ask. He was saying he thought it was clear enough (or it made sense a certain way) but better safe than sorry. And he proved his point a few times. At some point I started to raise my voice (because I was getting frustrated). That didn't calm me down at all and had to deal with it the best way possible and then explained to him to please just distract me, that that will have much better results.

I'm still slightly pissed off because he keeps saying he didn't "deserve it" but he's not helping in that matter nor in theory nor in practice and really all I needed was a hug.

OP posts:
Coffeeandchocolate9 · 08/10/2019 16:29

(As in to blame your partner for not calming you down. Blame him all you like for using your money recklessly Wink )

I don't think anybody is claiming they never raise their voice or lose their temper. We are saying it's not his responsibility to talk you down.

I cross posted with you saying you fear impending labour because the last one nearly killed you. You're remembering trauma and understandably terrified of it happening again Flowers is there a health professional you can talk to about this?

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 16:32

But I have already apologised.he said he wasn't even upset at all, that he said it to "calm me down" to which I told him if that's your desired effect just change the subject, because he admits there was no need to be so stubborn

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 16:37

Juells because I want him to be involved too. I'm tired of nagging him for documents or him not reading the emails.

If he had done so, with two pair of eyes maybe yesterday could have been prevented. He's so completely detached that he was denying he saw a document, I had to show it to him to refresh his memory. And it was the ever so important MIP.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 16:39

I had to remind him that solicitors are working for both of us. He can certainly make the same phone calls send the same emails that I have.

OP posts:
rvby · 08/10/2019 16:41

You are having a baby with someone who doesn't keep up their end of your perceived bargain.

It seems to be that he's supposed to be nice to you and support you emotionally, and you're meant to give him and his kids access to money, have I got that right? I'm sure there are other parts of the deal, but that's part of it?

And he's not being nice enough to you, and you're still supporting him. So you get really angry. That's understandable.

The thing is OP, for some godforsaken reason you've decided that despite him not upholding his end of the bargain, you'll have a baby with him.

In the nicest possible way, you have made choices that make your life really really difficult. You didn't need to do that. You also don't really have a right to be angry with someone for the choices YOU made.

No-one reacts well to their partner getting angry and frustrated with them. And it sounds like you just wanted him to STFU, he wasn't even disagreeing with you. Your mental health sounds like it's in the toilet and for some reason you think that he can act in a certain way to make that go away - I doubt it. YOu're in a stressful situation because you chose to have a baby with someone who doesn't give you what you need, that's not his fault, it's yours.

You also really don't have to listen to your mother. If you insist on being in this relationship, then it doesn't really matter if she approves or likes it. It's your choice.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 16:47

But I was never even angry, he admits to that. He just thought that was were it was leading to. I was getting frustrated because I saw what he meant and for the most part we were agreeing but not communicating well. And my mum is helping us buy the house so I do have to listen to her

OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 08/10/2019 16:49

Because he has no money. He works FT with a low salary and has high commuting costs. All I get is £600 a month and our joint expenses are closer to at least £1700.... I get no help from him
YOU chose to accept this AND you chose to bring the additional expense of a child into this.

I don't even make more money than him, it's the good will of my family and the luck of an inheritance that keeps us afloat..
YOU decided this is how you were going to fund your decisions.
I.e, YOU weren't going to take personal responsibility for it and neither was your husband.

all my stress is caused BY him and his inability to provide
No - YOU have caused your own stress by continually making stupid decisions and expecting others to play along to keep you happy.

You knew when you got with him that he couldn't 'afford' his current living/DC costs which is why you've been subsidising him.

Your mum is obviously fed up of trying to knock some common sense into you because you ignore her advice too - I only get shouted by my mother because she thinks it's ridiculous that I'm subsidising a full grown man... I had all the stress of that day, plus my mother complaining about how "he does nothing" and trying to defend him

You HAVE got money - I don't have to subsidise him and his other children. I don't need to pay higher rent if it was just me. I didn't have to give up therapy to pay the shortfall of our joint expenses.... I don't have to pay for his sons phone. I don't have to pay £1500 because he misused my credit card..... I didn't have to buy him a car and thus eat from my own savings
YOU choose to fritter it away irresponsibly.

It sounds like you are determined to have everything your own way and do your own thing regardless of whether it's the best or right thing to do.
You expect everyone around you to fall in line with you....or you'll then manipulate them/the situation by using your 'anger issues' as a cop out excuse.

What he was saying didn't achieve anything was just making me even more frustrated
Every decision YOU'VE made and every penny YOU'VE spent hasn't actually achieved anything either has it?
Neither of you are in better paying jobs to afford your life together, you still rely on others money to fund your lifestyle expenses, and your communication and decision making hasn't improved one jot.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 16:55

I didn't even understand what he was going on about. I said sure the maths make sense but I don't want to take any chances anymore. And he kept going on about how the numbers made sense but send the email regardless. It was beyond pointless to the degree that I have no idea what we were arguing about, maybe that he was trying to point out that mathematically it made sense? I don't know I just think that if we were both in agreement and if he's in an much better place than me (and he can see this with a lot more clarity than me) why just not end the argument? Instead he kept arguing that he was agreeing with me, but making a point that the numbers made sense and me getting increasingly frustrated.

I told him ALL day it was the worst timing and all I wanted was to enjoy the arrival of the baby and that I couldn't even think about it as I was getting so stressed and overwhelmed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 16:58

Well I work extra hours to bring more money in and hopefully I once I get back from ML I'll get a payrise as I'm currently underemployed/paid but that's a different matter.

OP posts:
Juells · 08/10/2019 17:09

because I want him to be involved too. I'm tired of nagging him for documents or him not reading the emails.

He doesn't want to be involved. He's not going to get involved. If you accept that you'll have a lot less stress in your life - just organise things to suit yourself, and don't give him access to your credit card in future.

It doesn't sound like a match made in heaven, and your resentments are only going to get worse as time goes by. I wouldn't buy a house with him, as you'll resent each other - you'll resent the fact that he didn't bother his arse doing any of the work involved in the house-buying, and he'll resent the fact that as time goes by you'll do more of the organising and making decisions because you don't have a choice. I bet he'll start throwing it in your face sooner or later.

RavenLG · 08/10/2019 17:15

all my stress is caused BY him and his inability to provide
If this is true why are you essentially paying him to be your partner?

I'd take the money you're using for the house and put it towards further therapy sessions as you don't have a handle on this. You're saying it's a stressful time but that's the point, triggers are stressful and YOU and YOU alone need to get a handle on them.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 17:17

Well I have a much better handling of it. Haven't had an episode in years. I don't have intrusive thoughts and I can keep my temper down. Because even by his own admission I wasn't angry.

OP posts:
Ginnymweasley · 08/10/2019 17:27

Why are you choosing to allow him to take a back seat on your finances? Why are you buying a house with him? These are your choices. Stop the house buying process until after the baby is born and you know more where you stand.
My friend is a bit like you, she subsidised her bf life and ends up borrowing off her mum when she is struggling to pay for petrol etc. Her mum is beyond frustrated by this point and has refused to lend her anymore money. This has led to my friend moaning constantly about how horrible her mum is without taking any responsibility for her own actions.
It doesnt sound like you have a good handle on your emotions which is partly understandable at 37 weeks pregnant but I really dont think you needed to raise your voice in that situation.

Juells · 08/10/2019 17:36

It must seem like some of us are being very mean, but look forward a few years to when you've bought this house, with your mother's help and money and your organising of the paperwork, what if your marriage falls apart, the house has to be sold because you're now single and can't afford the mortgage, you're back in rented accommodation, not getting any child support because 'he can't afford it' and blah blah blah blah. Do you think that's in any way likely? If it is, you should keep renting now so that the house money will still be available in the future.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 17:57

I don't think it's likely not. I just want to be able to afford a comfortable lifestyle, which hopefully with my payrise, and lower costs (mortgage is half our rent) we'll be in a better place and I won't have to think twice to buy myself new shoes, go on holiday, etc... Eventually I will get my inheritance and wont ever have to rent again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 08/10/2019 17:59

You'll never hear me say my DM is horrible, I understand where she's coming from and most if time she says that he's a blessing. She only gets frustrated because she thinks with my income is my trust I should have an ok standard of living.

OP posts:
Juells · 08/10/2019 18:00

Everything will be for the best in the best of all possible worlds.

tenterden · 08/10/2019 18:02

I can understand that you are stressed and that you raised your voice.

I can also understand that your DH response was to ask you to stop/advise you that you had done this.

He really isn't responsible for "calming you down" that is your job, you are not a toddler.

Gazelda · 08/10/2019 18:07

There is an obvious imbalance in your relationship, and I'm not sure either of you are happy with it.

You do seem resentful about his income and expenditure.
You also make it quite clear that you are carrying him financially, does he know and/or care that you feel this?
Is there any chance of you getting some joint counselling to help you set your expectations out - financially, household, childcare etc? Are you expecting to take on the brunt of the childcare?

And, I hate to say this, but I'm not sure your household expenses are going to go down once your mortgaged rather than rent. What about childcare fees that you'll need to cover when you return to work?

Wolfiefan · 08/10/2019 18:08

He spends all your money and you shout at him? This won’t end well OP.

TowelNumber42 · 08/10/2019 18:28

What is your DH doing to increase his income or reduce his expenditure? You seem to have plans for what you will do. You don't mention his plans. Life gets a lot more expensive with a baby. You are already spending more than you earn. What is he going to do to make up some of the shortfall?

inwood · 08/10/2019 18:39

Two issues, your anger and second him being a complete dick. Why are you wasting time with him, sounds like he can't provide anything at all, emotionally or physically.

TowelNumber42 · 08/10/2019 19:41

Maybe you are angry and anxious because you fail to remove the cause of your anger and anxiety from your life. Maybe if you removed the cause then your MH would improve. Maybe your current policy of expecting others to manage your mood is part of your avoidance of dealing with the root cause.

Yeah, at the start you thought you'd be OK with his cocklodging, love is enough blah blah. Experience has shown that to be untrue. That's life. Sometimes we make mistakes. Mistakes hurt worst when we refuse to admit we made a mistake and now need to change course.

Let's say someone gave you a scalding hot cup of tea and told you it was hot then you said I don't mind super hot tea because normally you are OK with it. Then you start to drink but find it way too hot. It burns your mouth. Do you have to keep drinking because you said you would be OK with it at the start? Of course not. Would you be reasonable to get angry at the world because you chose to keep drinking even as the tea burned away your insides? No.

TowelNumber42 · 08/10/2019 19:42

Stop the house purchase now.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/10/2019 19:54

But if I'm descending into madness then arguing about something so small is pointless too
I am sorry OP but your behaviour is abusive, it is scary he can't get his point across in a disagreement if you describe yourself decending into madness.