To think telling someone "you're raising your voice" is not the best way to calm someone down?

[Rainbowhairdontcare]

I've had anger issues in the past, nothing major but the anger would eventually turn to anxiety/panic attacks if not dealt with correctly. Fortunately I haven't had many of those in the past couple of years so my DH hasn't seen how bad they can get.

I've been very stressed lately, had a terrible day yesterday and I'm also panicking about giving birth (37 weeks at the moment). DH was being stubborn about something (not disagreeing but what he was saying didn't change anything as I wanted further clarification from our solicitors).

All I was saying is that we couldn't be sure so best to ask. He was saying he thought it was clear enough (or it made sense a certain way) but better safe than sorry. And he proved his point a few times. At some point I started to raise my voice (because I was getting frustrated). That didn't calm me down at all and had to deal with it the best way possible and then explained to him to please just distract me, that that will have much better results.

I'm still slightly pissed off because he keeps saying he didn't "deserve it" but he's not helping in that matter nor in theory nor in practice and really all I needed was a hug.

So you have more money and your supporting your partner who has less money. If you were a man and he was a women i expect many people theink fair enough. You need to sit down and discuss your concearns before they explode or the resentment builds.

I think bits have been misconstrued or I wasn't clear enough. I was extremely stressed because the it looked like the purchase of the house couldn't go through, which meant being stuck in a tiny house that I really don't like and all on top of each other. The only option is to rent somewhere even more expensive and I refuse to pay that shortfall.

I had to call.my DM who was on holiday to clarify how much she'd actually give us and how/when she was planning to send it over. Which led to be shouted at by her, which again I had to deal with all of that.

If he had been involved in the purchasing process , maybe he could have seen it before this issue with the mortgage happened.

When he got home I was already a mess, being stressed beyond believe (the descending into madness- which is completely unrelated to the silly later argument).

Yesterday he apologized for EVERYTHING including all the money issues. He said he only was trying to make.my stress away by pointing that out but wasn't successful at all and should have stopped because it was only achieving the opposite.

I don't mind the imbalance (apart from the credit card which was by all terms and purposes abusing my good will/ trust). I did mind that at some I had three jobs to be able to have a better standard of living and he did nothing, but I stopped so that's a moot point now.

My biggest frustration in life is not so much him but feeling stuck living where we live. We can't move, and it's not only that I don't like it here (I'm a city person) but that by staying here my earning potential is very limited.

I am sorry OP but your behaviour is abusive, it is scary he can't get his point across in a disagreement if you describe yourself decending into madness.

That's unfair. With my emotionally abusive ex i often felt like I was descending into madness because he was stonewalling, tormenting and gaslighting me. It sounds like there is a lot going on with OP and her partner and suggesting that the second she raises her voice she is abusive really isn't taking into account the possibility that her partner is not behaving particularly well in their communication either.

Many PPs seem to have taken the view that because HE said she was raising her voice, she was definitely in the wrong. Yet we all know some men do use the "you're shouting, you are arguing" like to shut down their partners if they doing anything less than complete agreement in dulcet tones. My ex used to go to "why are you making an argument" the second I wasn't just nodding and smiling at everything he said. We don't know enough about this situation with OP (although she has raised some worrying points) to be able to condemn her like this. And frankly, it's really not helpful to her resolving the situation either.

I would ask to get this moved to the Relationships board OP, think you will get more help there.

Thank you @leomama81 how do I do that?

This is one of those classic questions whereby, without the full context & even small details such as the tone of voice & body language you were using at the time, no-one can sensibly advise you.

I suggest you try to be nicer to him & ask him to reciprocate.