To think telling someone "you're raising your voice" is not the best way to calm someone down?

[Rainbowhairdontcare]

I've had anger issues in the past, nothing major but the anger would eventually turn to anxiety/panic attacks if not dealt with correctly. Fortunately I haven't had many of those in the past couple of years so my DH hasn't seen how bad they can get.

I've been very stressed lately, had a terrible day yesterday and I'm also panicking about giving birth (37 weeks at the moment). DH was being stubborn about something (not disagreeing but what he was saying didn't change anything as I wanted further clarification from our solicitors).

All I was saying is that we couldn't be sure so best to ask. He was saying he thought it was clear enough (or it made sense a certain way) but better safe than sorry. And he proved his point a few times. At some point I started to raise my voice (because I was getting frustrated). That didn't calm me down at all and had to deal with it the best way possible and then explained to him to please just distract me, that that will have much better results.

I'm still slightly pissed off because he keeps saying he didn't "deserve it" but he's not helping in that matter nor in theory nor in practice and really all I needed was a hug.

Yes, we were saying the same thing! I was just telling him that I would email to be sure because I didn't want to chance it. He just kept printing out how it made sense a certain way while still saying I should send the email.

Drogosnextwife

I don’t. But that’s not to say I’m not capable of it. He tends not to wind me up. But if I did shout, I wouldn’t blame him for not “managing” my anger.

Of course I've raised my voice. It's the entitlement I disagree with. Just hold your hands up and admit you were pissed off and raised your voice. I don't shout at my DH and then expect a cuddle like a petulant toddler.

He could be more involved. He isn't because it's not his money, yet he'll be in the title deed. I only get shouted by my mother because she thinks it's ridiculous that I'm subsidising a full grown man.

So why did you shout at him? Did you feel like you needed the last word or something? Just say 'ok, will do'

I only get shouted by my mother because she thinks it's ridiculous that I'm subsidising a full grown man.

She’s probably right. But that doesn’t mean she is allowed to shout at you, or you at him.

I didn't actually shout at him! Naturally when I'm frustrated I raise my voice. I didn't day anything wrong or anything. It was not even towards him. Inst as of crying I raise my voice and then I collapse in tears. It's a really horrible place that eventually leads me to intrusive thoughts and at my worst, suicidal. But I never told him your X or Y.

I don't stand still and get shouted at. Ever. If they don't listen when I ask them to stop shouting I will walk away and not go back.

Equally I don't shout when I'm frustrated or cross. It serves no purpose. Ultimately, the responsibility for your temper is solely yours. You need to change things in your relationship because you're resentful that you're taking on his share of things, by the sound of it. But that's entirely different from your reactions; even if the dynamic changes you're still going to have to stop shouting at others when you're upset because it's such destructive behaviour.

If your DH is angry why do you change the subject? His anger is his own and he's not 4; you aren't responsible for his behaviour or mood. Stop appeasing him and stop expecting him to appease you.

Rainbowhairdontcare

That sounds awful for you and like something you need help with. But raising your voice (shouting?) when frustrated isn’t an inevitability, it’s a behaviour. And it is aggressive. You need to manage that, not him.

I didn't actually shout at him! Naturally when I'm frustrated I raise my voice.

What's the difference? If you've raised your voice you're shouting.

I do it because after years of therapy I've learned that communicating how to help me and thus how to help others is the best way.

Engaging doesn't achieve anything that's why it's always to either change the subject or just leave that space, even if being shouted at. It works for me, and from what I've seen world for him too.

I see shouting as being aggressive, raising my voice is just becoming louder. I was not being agressive just was louder, which can also happen when I get excited.

I do it because after years of therapy I've learned that communicating how to help me and thus how to help others is the best way.

The best way for you. It seems to involve others simply accepting they are going to get shouted at and placating you. I wouldn’t be doing that.

That didn't calm me down at all and had to deal with it the best way possible and then explained to him to please just distract me, that that will have much better results. Not his job to fix your anger issues. You seem to think HE needs to do something to calm you down, then give you a hug. The fact is, YOU need to deal with your anger issues and if distraction works, you need to figure out a way to do this for yourself. Take responsibility for your actions, and stop blaming how others interact with you as an excuse.

Anyone else starting to believe they might be related to the OP?

What he was saying didn't achieve anything was just making me even more frustrated. He could have stopped as he saw it wasn't getting anywhere. I was already in a state all day, if he agreed with me, why just not agree without further explanation.

It’s not normal to get so angry that you raise your voice (that’s shouting) that you cry then become suicidal. You need to find better ways of dealing with your own emotions. You can’t raise your voice and walk out every time someone disagrees with you.

I can see we’re not going to agree here.

But I don't anymore. Obviously I was just very stressed. I can handle other people disagreeing but yesterday was awful.

I just wanted his compassion because that's all he can do.

Even at his worst behaviour I haven't shouted at him. It was not targeted at him at all. I'm just very stressed and still am.

And I get no help from him.

OP are you still accessing support for your anger/anxiety and trying to get tools to manage them better? Because what you’re doing (raising your voice) isn’t an appropriate way to deal with anger or anxiety. You really do need to address this and not just say “you know I have problems- do something to make me feel better or tolerate my reaction”

What he was saying didn't achieve anything was just making me even more frustrated. He could have stopped as he saw it wasn't getting anywhere.

Why not just ignore him then? What you did didnt achieve anything either

No I'm not. Therapy was what worked for me the best, but we can't afford it.

GPs will only give me pills. And I haven't had an episode in many months almost years. It thnk it was only yesterday the first time I "raised" my voice. At least since we've been together which is years now.

But with feeling the world crumbling underneath me and no real help, I feel like I'll have a nervous breakdown

Do you not want to take the medication?

He could have stopped as he saw it wasn't getting anywhere

You could have also stopped.

Under normal conditions I would have. But I had all the stress of that day, plus my mother complaining about how "he does nothing" and trying to defend him.

I just wanted to send that email because it was supposedly going to help with my levels of stress, but instead I wouldn't say it made it worse but didn't make it any better.