To think telling someone "you're raising your voice" is not the best way to calm someone down?

[Rainbowhairdontcare]

I've had anger issues in the past, nothing major but the anger would eventually turn to anxiety/panic attacks if not dealt with correctly. Fortunately I haven't had many of those in the past couple of years so my DH hasn't seen how bad they can get.

I've been very stressed lately, had a terrible day yesterday and I'm also panicking about giving birth (37 weeks at the moment). DH was being stubborn about something (not disagreeing but what he was saying didn't change anything as I wanted further clarification from our solicitors).

All I was saying is that we couldn't be sure so best to ask. He was saying he thought it was clear enough (or it made sense a certain way) but better safe than sorry. And he proved his point a few times. At some point I started to raise my voice (because I was getting frustrated). That didn't calm me down at all and had to deal with it the best way possible and then explained to him to please just distract me, that that will have much better results.

I'm still slightly pissed off because he keeps saying he didn't "deserve it" but he's not helping in that matter nor in theory nor in practice and really all I needed was a hug.

The psychiatrist advised against it as what I have is episodal.

But you’re using it as an excuse to behave badly. You can’t say that he mustn’t disagree with you because you could end up suicidal.
You need to find a way to manage your own stress without shouting at someone. This is not a healthy situation to bring a baby into.
Seek help.

I think it needs to be said to bring you back to earth.
DD use to always say calm down to me if I was nagging, giving out it would aggravate me but jolt me back and helped me curb my behaviour.

It's ok to disagree, we have them every now and then like everybody does. But if I'm descending into madness then arguing about something so small is pointless too.

And I don't argue over anything even remotely big. Never get annoyed with him because he hasn't bought anything for the baby. Or didn't even have a shouty fight because he spent my money in God knows what.

I've lived with all of that and have been able to deal with that in a calm manner, but yesterday all I needed was a hug not pointing out something so minimal when he hasn't been involved in the process at all. That's frustrating in itself.

You sound like my husband. He loses his shit and yells at me then unless I submit to whatever nonsense he’s yelling about (though sometimes it’s hard to tell) he accuses me of “warming him up”. He plays the victim a lot too. He used to succeed in convincing me too. Until I wised up. I actually read this is a thing on MN recently. DARVO. Look it up.

Ahh, timing. Earlier tonight he yelled and stormed off because I dared to point out a double standard to him. Like clockwork he’s just now returned to the kitchen to make a big song and dance about having to get painkillers. You know. For the headache I caused him after the yelling I made him do. Essentially, he wants me to feel bad (for voicing my opinion) and turn my attentions towards looking after his wellbeing (despite letting fly at me earlier). See the ridiculousness of it? Bit like expecting a hug from your husband despite your behaviour making you the last person he would want to hug.

It’s childish and it means he never has to grow up and take responsibility for himself. And this is you, OP. Sort it out because precisely no one is impressed by it.

DH and I can both shout at times. But we are both clear it's not a good way to communicate and the only person responsible is the one with the raised voice.

"Raising your voice" = shouting.

But beyond that, if your 'perception equals reality' then so does his. As far as he is concerned you were shouting. I'm married to a man with a naturally 'big' voice, even in his normal tone.. He'd say the same thing...that he's not shouting. He is. And just because you aren't using negative words, that doesn't mean you aren't shouting. Shouting is volume, not content.

If he's truly no help and it's causing you grief or stress, then end the relationship.

If that was the case he'd have to sort out himself, all my stress is caused BY him and his inability to provide.

I don't have to subsidise him and his other children. I don't need to pay higher rent if it was just me. I didn't have to give up therapy to pay the shortfall of our joint expenses.

I don't have to pay for his sons phone. I don't have to pay £1500 because he misused my credit card.

I didn't have to buy him a car and thus eat from my own savings.

Iv never shouted at him for any of this.
The only time I told him (and I was unemployed) he just said I have no money, what do you want me to do.

But if I'm descending into madness then arguing about something so small is pointless too.

He’s not in your head. What feels like descending into madness to you doesn’t look like descending into madness to him. It just looks like you being irritable and snappy. He can’t tell what’s going on in your head unless you tell him. It’s your responsibility to communicate your feelings before they’re at the point of flipping out.

So why are you married to him and having a baby with him?

I had been telling him all day I didn't need to be stressed only to focus on baby and that I was literally losing my mind. I did tell him that.

I'm not going to justify shouting as a great method of communication, but it is a means of communication. I don't know any people who never ever raise their voice, even the quiet calm ones might every few months and many are much more vocal than that. When I shout, I mean 'I'm stressed' and it rarely is the person's fault and usually they deserve an apology for the shouting. So, a compassionate response would have been- are you ok? a hug? or even stop shouting and calm down. We try to remove ourselves/calm down if voices are starting to get raised rather than continue into an emotional tit for tat as we did in the past.

We don't bear grudges though and I wouldn't want to have to grovel every time I got a bit cross, equally it is the responsibility of the cross person to reign it in a bit - so a bit of compassion and understanding all around is nice rather than dragging it out into hours or days later.

But all he was doing was agreeing with you? How does he know that would stress you out?

I'm with your Mum here; he is useless. If it is bothering you this much, you need to lose him, fast.

OP, you've got several threads on the go right now.
You're under a lot of pressure.
As your threads progress, it becomes apparent that your relationship is difficult. You don't seem at all happy.
Maybe start a new thread in Relationships and put it all down? Kind people will listen and comment on the full picture

The trouble with this thread is that it started from a point where most readers saw you as being unreasonable, and then get frustrated at you trying to defend yourself. But the reality is a much bigger picture

But I still think YABU to raise your voice at him

Why are you with him and having his child? You really don’t like him

I adore him and he adores me back but money has always been the sticking point.

@ Nearlyalmost50 what said is more or less what I mean.

If he can't help with the finances (which I knew it from the start) and all the stress falls on me (not him) I just expect a bit of extra compassion.

I did apologise of course I did, but he was completely aware I was in a very fragile state.

I've read all your posts. I get that there are underlying issues but raising your voice is not on. All the but but buts are irrelevant to that. There is an acceptable way to deal with things and raising your voice is unacceptable. You are responsible for your own actions.

Idont really want to comment on this case too much cause I am still not quite sure about what happened, but I think those commenting that they do not accept someone raising their voices need to understand that this maybe the result of other things rather than a loss of control. The DH could be not listening or putting up ridiculous reasons or just trying to annoy. There are many reasons why ppl can get exasperated and sometimes it is because the other person wants to control the conversation.
I am not saying this happened in this case but I think ppl need to look more deeply on what occurred and not close the case after one admission

God, people are being harsh to OP! She is 37 weeks pregnant in case anyone missed that part, and dealing with a hell of a lot. Raising your voice in the sense of getting a bit impassioned/frustrated/emotional is not the same as "shouting at" someone. Not saying it is ideal but I very much doubt all the posters on here have never got a bit frustrated in an argument.

Thank you! @leomama81 you've put my position by across a lot better than I could ever have.

Was it ideal? obviously not. I had already cried in my car earlier that day. Can he help in any practical way? Not really. Obviously I'd be on a shorter fuse than usual. I had been crying at home.

My DM wasn't much help either and she just made things worse.

I'm not sleeping at the moment either and I have fears of an impending labour when the first one almost killed me. I'm naturally going to get more frustrated a lot quicker than under normal circumstances.

Blimey, I think I'd be getting a divorce before buying a house with him. He sounds like a weight around your neck.

You're doing all the work, your family is providing the money, you're doing the organising, you're 37 weeks pregnant, I'd have been doing plenty of raising my voice and I don't even have anger issues. Some posters must lead idyllic lives with perfect partners.

You sound like you resent him for an awful lot of things, all money-related.

The person who raises their voice is never entitled to the other person doing the labour of calming them down or giving them tea and sympathy.

I'm really sorry that you're having a stressful time of it, and also that you suffer anxiety, but I don't think you're in the right to apportion any blame on your partner. In fact I think you owe him an apology.

That didn't calm me down at all and had to deal with it the best way possible and then explained to him to please just distract me, that that will have much better results.

So when do you think you’ll start to take responsibility for your own behaviour?

She raised her voice. She didn't commit a capital crime. If someone keeps niggling and niggling and arguing it's very trying.

TBH, OP, you shouldn't have bothered even discussing it with him. If you're doing all the organising, then make the decisions as well without needing his agreement. You didn't need his permission to send the email, I don't understand why it was even an issue.