Would I be too old to have a child?

[redappleandaquamarinebow1987]

I am currently 32 and getting married next year. If all goes to plan we would have a child when I am 34. DP is 4 years older then me so that would make him 38.

Here is the problem. We would like more then one child. He is very close to his siblings and I spend my childhood wishing I had them. Two would be ideal if it was one of each but have considered having a third to balance it out (or at least try). The problem is that I could be in my 40 to early 40s to have a child and DP will be mid to late. Will this be too late? I do somewhat kick myself leaving it so late.

Honestly, don't over think things.

I had a child at 34 and was never able to have another. If you have a baby, be joyful. If you can have another, rejoice again.

I had my first at 34, second at 36 and third at 39, and it didn’t even occur to me that I might be too old (wasn’t that unusual amongst my friends).

Have you been tested? I got a fertility MOT at 34 and had low fertility. We had IVF at 36, which worked, but I've not been able to get pregnant since. If I were you I'd start trying now.

And they are all the same gender - that really is a ridiculous thing to worry about!

I have spoken to my gp about my concern but she insisted fertility wise there should be no issue. I have thought about freezing a couple of eggs though.

You are being ridiculous in the nicest possible way. You could probably have two or even three before you're forty...unless you want large age gaps between the kids

My DW had our first at 38, our second at 40...

Don't overthink as PP has said, just go for it and enjoy your family

You’re overthinking it. Perfectly possible you could have two or even 3 DC between 34 and 40, perhaps with slightly closer spacing than you would like but that would be your trade off to waiting until after 40.

You are only 32 there is plenty of time. If you have your first baby at 34 you have time to have 2 more before you are 40

@formerbabe I know it sounds silly but acording to asian tradition a 4 year age gap is best. I know the last two might well have a smaller one but I no longer have the luxury of time. I have observed that 4 years is a good age gap. It's a small enough gap they will still be able to do stuff together but wide enough there won't be as much jealousy over toys etc

I see I might not get the 4 year age gap I wanted but that is my own fault thank you for the comfort

I don't think you're being silly.
Just look at some of the posts on MN. Some start trying in their 20s and don't actually get pregnant until their 30s after years of medical intervention.
The reality would be that by 34 you don't have endless time to guarantee a successful pregnancy.
Everyone can tell you how easily they got pregnant at 40 but the statistics aren't great.

You can contact a fertility clinic and get a private MOT for you both. That way if it does flag up any problems you can make an informed decision then.

Sorry but that does sound silly, there's no one best age gap and no one can predict if or when they will become pregnant, honestly, just get on with it, who cares about tradition?

You’re right - that does sound silly. A four year age gap is no better and no worse than a one, two, three year age gap. If you’re insistent on sticking to tradition and waiting four years after your first then yes, your likelihood of getting pregnant again will be lower. However doesn’t mean it will be impossible. So you have to decide what’s more important - having two children, or wanting a four year age gap so much that you might miss your chance to have a second child altogether.

OP - can we just get it straight: it’s not “your own fault”.

Circumstance has meant you may not get three children with four year age gaps inbetween.

Do what you want to and see where you end up. Stop guilt tripping yourself and worrying. It will be fine!

Try not to overthink and plan too much I did and have been bitterly disappointed that haven't been able to give DC1 a sibling

That being said I wouldn't want to have a baby in my early 40s - it's tiring enough in your 30s let alone adding another 10 years on

@coconuttelegraph it plays a big role iny family already getting told what year to not have kids as it is considered a less luck sign (chinese zodiac) or of bad character. I have seen the 4 year age gap work well but I guess not being bffs with siblings is not the end of the world and I might need to accept they might not be as close as I would like them to be

32 is not especially old to start, neither is 40 for a third child, and anyway you don't have a time machine so all you can really do is get married, start your family, and see how it goes. You may have two in quick succession and be immediately ready for a third. Or your feelings may change, you may decide one is plenty or three isn't enough. What you end up doing may depend on how easy you find it to get pregnant. It's nice to know roughly how big a family you want but there's no point stressing about it, one of the first things to learn about having children is that we don't get to control much of what happens or when it happens and it usually works out better to be flexible and make the most of whatever we get than to worry about not getting an "ideal".

Cross bridges when you get to them.

With all due respect, you are a) overthinking and b) pointlessly overthinking because there isn't anything you can do about it - you are the age you are.

You are getting married and you want children. If you are both of the same opinion then that is a good place to be.

You cannot predict what will happen. You can have fertility tests now to get a clearer idea of what might happen. But worrying about currently non-existing children is utterly pointless. You may also change your opinions once you have your first child.

Thank you for all the support. Really feel like I can do it now. Might not be according to plan but nothing in life is

Your massively overthinking but at that age, I wouldn’t plan for a 4 year gap. Everyone I knew that had their first in their mid 30s tried for relatively small gaps because they didn’t want to gamble on secondary infertility. Those that had bigger gaps, didn’t tend to do that out of choice unfortunately.

I was four years older than my sister but we were too far apart in age, and had nothing in common. We didn't have mutual friends and I wasn't old enough to take care of her. We argued all the time and never really became close, even as adults.

asian tradition a 4 year age gap is best

already getting told what year to not have kids as it is considered a less luck sign (chinese zodiac) or of bad character

Grow up, OP. The Chinese Zodiac won't be getting up to do night feeds or doing phonics homework with your children. Have your children when and if you want to and are able to have them. Everyone has some form of dopey cultural pressures they need to resist for their own sanity.

I have seen the 4 year age gap work well but I guess not being bffs with siblings is not the end of the world and I might need to accept they might not be as close as I would like them to be

4 years might work well or it might not. For some families 4 years doesn't work at all, for others 1 year or 6 years works just fine. There is a lot of random chance involved. You are trying to control something that can't be controlled.

You are not and would not be too old! Don’t be silly.. good luck!