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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be too old to have a child?

128 replies

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 13:32

I am currently 32 and getting married next year. If all goes to plan we would have a child when I am 34. DP is 4 years older then me so that would make him 38.

Here is the problem. We would like more then one child. He is very close to his siblings and I spend my childhood wishing I had them. Two would be ideal if it was one of each but have considered having a third to balance it out (or at least try). The problem is that I could be in my 40 to early 40s to have a child and DP will be mid to late. Will this be too late? I do somewhat kick myself leaving it so late.

OP posts:
Passthebubbly · 08/10/2019 15:09

Started trying at 28 and had my child age 34.

Claphands · 08/10/2019 15:09

There are plenty of women who would love to have this ‘problem’

Original poster
redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 15:11

@LightTripper sorry to hear about your mc Flowers I am glad it worked out for you though

OP posts:
Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 15:12

You could have one at 34 and another at 36 or 37 surely? That's not too old, it's lovely. Go for it!

CapturedFairy · 08/10/2019 15:13

Definitely get your fertility checked out now just so you know.

I found out that I couldn't have children without IVF at the age of 28. We weren't even trying. So many people take their fertility for granted. Yes obviously there are people who have children in their 40s but there are also people much younger who try for years with no medical reason present preventing it.

Don't get hung up on the 4 year gap, you may aim for that and never have another, or you may have a contraception failure and end up with a 14 month gap, or twins first time round. But do get your fertility levels tested.

Original poster
redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 15:15

@Rachelover60 will try aim for the 4 year age gap for the first two at least without over fixating on it and then 2-3 years between the middle and last one. I do realise it might all end up very different and this is one thing in life I don't have full control over ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 15:25

I will 100% get both our fertility levels tested and DP has agreed as we are on a deadline so need to make sure everything is ok

OP posts:
Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 15:26

You're planning to have three children, not two?

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 08/10/2019 15:29

My husband's grandmother was 46 when she had his dad. I have been doing some research of both our ancestors and many were in their mid to late 40's when they had their youngest children.

I spent my childhood and adulthood wishing I didn't have a sister. I would have LOVED to be an only child. My sons are over 14 years apart and from different marriages and so both were raised almost as only children. My youngest son is so glad we didn't have anymore as he loved being an 'only' child.

Original poster
redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 15:30

@Rachelover60 2-3. If I get one of each then it will remain at 2. If it's two boys or two girls I will try for a 3rd if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 15:35

@TumblingTumbleWeeds I just remember being an only child not being very fun. Sure there is benefits but what I mainly remember how boring and lonely family vacations can be or school holidays being quite dull (friends lived further away so other then shopping once a week it was very much just me). Also now as an adult I do feel solely responsible for my mother so that is quite a burden etc plus it is a rather intense relationship as I am really the only one she has etc

OP posts:
SparkyBlue · 08/10/2019 15:35

I'm 43 and just had my third baby so you are not too old. Please don't even think about age gaps or a second or third baby at this stage. Try and have one baby first and see how that goes for you.

rainingallday · 08/10/2019 15:37

No, you are not 'too old!' to have a baby....... Not at mid 30s...

I was expecting someone to be saying 43/44, and a ruck of posters on here saying 'yeah... I had my 4 at 47, 49, 52, and 56!

These type of threads always bring them out!

Happy baby-making. Grin

Original poster
redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 15:37

@SparkyBlue that is very true. I am also aware I might only be able to have one child etc

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 08/10/2019 15:52

Seconding what @AiryFairyMum said. My GP kept on telling me there was “no reason you can’t get pregnant.” After many months of delays, and referral to fertility testing, turns out that was BOLLOCKS and I had low ovarian reserve. The fact my son is sleeping on me as I type this is nothing short of a miracle.

Piglet89 · 08/10/2019 15:53

I turned 38 in May, BTW and had him in August.

Original poster
redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 15:58

@Piglet89 that is shocking. I am glad you were still able to have DS

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 08/10/2019 16:02

Thank you! Me too!

GPS just do not have the data to promise you your fertility is ok. It’s the scans and blood tests you get done if referred to fertility department that really tell you the state of your fertility.

notfromstepford · 08/10/2019 16:03

Had my first at 37 and my second at 41. So no you're not too old at all. Can't change your age so not worth spending any time worrying about it.

escapade1234 · 08/10/2019 16:05

This thread is hilarious.

LightTripper · 08/10/2019 16:07

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 ah thanks - they weren't fun but they weren't awful. I was sort of prepared given my age. That is a downside of leaving it until late (m/c more likely) but you are a mere whippersnapper, so hopefully you'll be fine Grin.

Newmumatlast · 08/10/2019 16:09

I would not trust GP saying it shouldn't be a problem as meaning it definitely wont be. They dont know unless they test you. They will unlikely do that though unless you have been trying for 2 years unsuccessfully. I would start trying as soon as you are married if you're not happy doing so sooner depending on your own personal views. I am due to have my first baby this month and I am 33. I dont think it is a problem though it did worry me. Lots of people, especially professionals due to work commitments, have their children later now

Newmumatlast · 08/10/2019 16:12

I should also say my baby is an IVF baby after unexplained infertility and 5 years trying. Don't be naive enough to think you can plan down to the month when you have a baby. It doesn't always work that way. Also please re think the having a third if you end up with two babies of the same sex. No child wants to be the one who exists only because the first two were the same sex. Especially if they then end up also being that same sex. Only have a child because you want that child regardless of anything else.

3timeslucky · 08/10/2019 16:18

You're over-thinking and over-planning. Fertility (and indeed life) doesn't always play ball. The numbers don't make you too old though we all know the stats. But if you're worried about having left things too late I don't know why you're planning to wait another 2 years. And then planning 2 year gaps (and worrying about the sexes of your theoretical children).

New plan. Try to get pregnant. Take it from there.

UnaCorda · 08/10/2019 16:23

Even if you could plan exactly when you get pregnant you can't guarantee your children will get on. Fwiw I have a four-year age gap with my sibling and hated them throughout my childhood. Even as adults we don't get on particularly well.