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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would I be too old to have a child?

128 replies

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 13:32

I am currently 32 and getting married next year. If all goes to plan we would have a child when I am 34. DP is 4 years older then me so that would make him 38.

Here is the problem. We would like more then one child. He is very close to his siblings and I spend my childhood wishing I had them. Two would be ideal if it was one of each but have considered having a third to balance it out (or at least try). The problem is that I could be in my 40 to early 40s to have a child and DP will be mid to late. Will this be too late? I do somewhat kick myself leaving it so late.

OP posts:

SummerSazz · 08/10/2019 13:52

I have an age gap of 21 months (one school year) and it's working brilliantly! I was 33 and 35 and DH was in his 40's.

Stop planning and get going!!

Teddybear45 · 08/10/2019 13:53

I was your DP’s age when I got my BFP and will be 40 when I consider ttc DC2. Honestly I’m just going to do it and think you should to if that’s what you want when you get to that age

Original poster

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 13:53

@Sron I have explained there is no such thing as a bad or good zodiac sign. Each child comes with it's own challenges and it is our job to adapt our parenting style to suite the child

OP posts:

Chillisauceboss · 08/10/2019 13:54

I haven't been able to read the full thread but this is my (usually unpopular) opinion.
If you are truly concerned about fertility and the natural decline in your 30s then why are you prioritising (I assume) a wedding?
Why not start trying now? You could get married on a smaller scale / get married whilst pregnant or even get married with a very small baby in tow if the day is low key.
Don't prioritise a wedding I'd truly children are a life priority.

cheezy · 08/10/2019 13:54

AiryFairyMum can I ask where you did you fertility MOT?

Original poster

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 13:54

I am glad to hear smaller age gaps also being close and working out

OP posts:

ASundayWellSpent · 08/10/2019 13:56

The only silly thing I can see is the age gap. For your age, all being in favour, I would imagine TTC when your baby is 2, meaning slightly under or 3 year age gap each time would make you parents at 34, 37 and 40

Original poster

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 13:57

@Chillisauceboss silly as it sounds for the sake of one year me and DP would rather be married first. Just because I want to make sure I am also legally protected before having a child to not leave myself unprotected

OP posts:

Original poster

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 13:58

@ASundayWellSpent 34, 38, and 40 lol

OP posts:

Wixi · 08/10/2019 13:59

No, basically . I was 40 when I had my only DD (now 9), my sister was 40 when she had her first DD and 44 her second. Don't over think it, if you want children, go for it.

Original poster

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 14:00

@Wixi thanl you that is so good to hear

OP posts:

FunnysInLaJardin · 08/10/2019 14:00

I had DS1 at 34 and DS2 at 38. I planned a 4 year age gap and it works perfectly for us. Didn't even consider my fertility tbh, just took it as it came.

I did also have 2 miscarriages though before each successful pregnancy. Have no idea whether that was age related.

Luckily never wanted a third or to try for that elusive girl!

Original poster

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 08/10/2019 14:02

@Witchinaditch thank you so much

OP posts:

ReadyPayerTwo · 08/10/2019 14:03

I wouldn't worry - I had my first at 39 and second at 42!

It took me ages to conceive my first and I had a couple of consecutive setbacks while trying for the second, but I just ploughed on.

czechitout · 08/10/2019 14:09

Not sure what you'd like. You will not get any younger. So if you want children, go for it asap. You may as well start before the wedding :-)

I had my first at 34 and second at 36. My father was 47 when I was born.
Good luck :-)

Chillisauceboss · 08/10/2019 14:11

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 it's not silly to want to be married first (for multiple reasons) the way I made my decision is that (on the slimmest chance) I struggled with fertility I'd rather have missed out on a wedding than a baby. I'm turning 33 now and have a 1 year old. Wedding planned later this year and then will try for my second

BlockedandDeleted · 08/10/2019 14:13

You can't control these things OP, not age gaps, not gender, nada.

I mean, what if you have twins?!

Penelopeschat · 08/10/2019 14:16

In much of the west more people have babies in their 40’s than 20’s. You are at a very typical age to have children! Don’t overthink!

Glacecherrychops · 08/10/2019 14:18

I agree that a 3 or 4 year age gap is ideal.

2 years causes far too much jealousy, and an under 18 month age gap is associated with a lower IQ for the second child due to the depleted nutritional status of the mother

But you never know what will happen. Idon't think you are too old to go for what you want, certainlynot for 2 children with a 4 year age gap.

Good luck!

Sleepinglemon · 08/10/2019 14:24

You never know what your fertility will be like until you try. We started trying for our first when I was 31. Took 6 months. We weren't ready to try for a second until I was 35. It took 18 months and a miscarriage. They couldn't find any reason for the secondary infertility, just age. So I'd say crack on as soon as you can.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 08/10/2019 14:26

I was 34 when I had my first. I was about average in my nct group. The youngest was late 20s, a couple round 30, one 40 one 42! So you are no way too old.

Secondary fertility issues are more common than primary fertility issues though so you may want to prioritise knowing you can have a second over a perfect age gap. I have a 2.5 year age gap and will have an almost 3 year old by the time I'm 40...and am knackered, I'm glad I didnt leave it any later.

I have found some larger age gaps work well (parent can concentrate more on the baby when the eldest starts school, not as much rivalry, oldest can entertain themselves when parents tied up with baby etc) but equally I've seen it not work so well (older child can remember a time without the sibling and took longer to get over jealousy, babys routine interrupted by school runs, actually they dont have common interests and the parents struggle to find activities to do that are suitable for both children eg there are very few classes and groups that a 5.5 year old and 18 month old will be able to attend and both enjoy). There seem to be pros and cons to every age gap

Bowerbird5 · 08/10/2019 14:26

My mum had my sisters at 37, 41 and 44!

I had a 2yr 8mth gap which I found perfect. The other two had 5 yrs and 6 yrs between which wasn't as good.The eldest two have remained close even going on holiday together. As adults I mean.

HJWT · 08/10/2019 14:27

I find the age gap thing hilarious , I have 4 siblings. I am closest to my eldest we have a 15 year gap and the 2nd youngest we have a 3 year gap...

Iv always seen with friends that children with a 1-2 year gap are closest but I still left a 3 year gap 😂

lily2403 · 08/10/2019 14:27

No you're not too old, I'm 44 and my youngest is 3...would love another

good luck

bobstersmum · 08/10/2019 14:29

I'm 38 and my dc are 2, 5 and 6. So not much different to the age you'll be. Get them out one after another op it's easier the closer together they are!

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