to not get into a pissing contest with this woman

[suspended]

I work in tech in a niche field (think Internet of Things)

I have just started a new job with a massive company. Very excited as more scope to work within this field and more opportunity etc.

I was introduced to my new project (exciting) and told that I would be co-delivering with this person (I'll call her X). I was also excited because there are hardly any women working in this field so it was really unusual to have two working on the same project.

She was less than excited. I haven't had a great welcome. Everything was brisk and authoritative. I was spoken to and given instructions akin to the instructions you would give an administrator. I was then told she would be unavailable for a week as she had a 'big presentation to do' .

A week later my manager asked me 'why aren't you at the expo with X?' . It turns out I should have been at a big industry expo in London demoing the tech and mixing with early adoptors. While I have only been with the company a short while I am an expert in my field so it can't have been that I was too new. And anyway my manager thought I should have been there.

So I checked the company website and expo 'TV feed' and there she was on the panel (that I should have been on) answering questions and liasing with potential clients with her Twitter username underneath on screen. (this is relevant) Her username was something along the lines of @Lady_nichefield .

Anyway I was a little annoyed but moved on. The week after I had lots more 'instructions' but when I tried to ask questions about the project I got no answers. So my tactic to mitigate this was to introduce myself to the wider team and familiarise myself with our project if she wasnt going to help.

I then got emails from her saying 'why are you taking the developers time, you can ask me' I explained that I had asked her and she hadn't answered. I also explained that I had asked the developer if he had time to run over the project with me.

I asked her about the expo and she said 'oh I didnt think you'd be interested'.

She then began inviting me to meetings (with clients or internal team) with either 5 minutes to spare or actually after the meeting had started. Given I'm not looking at my inbox constantly I wasn't seeing them in time which meant I missed a couple and attended one late. Very embarrassing.

I contacted her about this and sent screenshots of the invitations (what time they arrived) and she replied underlining the sentence 'I sent them before' .

So at this point I'm feeling quite unwelcome, a bit in the dark and like I'm running around trying to get to meetings I'm not aware of so I contact my manager to clarify our roles on the project. He tells me I have equal responsibility to deliver but "well she is @lady_nichefield on Twitter so maybe shes worried that shes not the only one anymore chuckles"

So I'm thinking that now this is all a big pissing contest and she thinks I'm encroaching on her 'territory' and that my new manager thinks its quite funny that this might be happening. Its not funny, I've only been there a short while and I feel that shes trying to make me look incompetent.

What can I do?

Is your manager also her manager?

Set up a Twitter account called RealLady_nichefield ?

Gosh she sounds hard work, and probably very insecure. In my experience flattery works best with people like that.

Your manager is a dick and facilitating her behaviour. Start preempting their dickishness with a fully auditable paper trail....conversations, etc. Then speak to HR about unprofessionalism and potential bullying.

No we have different managers. It was just the way he kind of suggested exactly what I was already thinking that I was the 'new kid on the block' and that she takes her role as 'lady_nichefield' very seriously.

Erm why is your manager being paid manager wages when they just make light of this quite serious problem you brought to them? Your colleagues sabotage could mean you don’t pass your probation and all you manager can do is laugh about the situation. Very bizarre response. Is there someone above your manager you can talk to? Does the HR department have an induction process that you should be being given?

She's definitely trying to make you look incompetent!

Why does she have knowledge of meetings etc and you don't? Can you not get this information from the same place she is?

Can you copy your manager onto all email correspondence with her? So they can see that you are being given a lack of/ late information?

Well, she sounds a charm. I don’t think you’ll win her round, but it’s odd to have two of you with co-responsibilities. You do need a defined role, but frankly might not be worth the fight. Would also get a kick-ass Twitter/social media handle just to piss her off (@profnichefield or @gurunichefield etc).

Its a weird set up where our managers only manage (like in an HR sense) so hes probably earning less than me and her if you see what I mean? He does holidays and leave etc.

I've heard of this set up in civil service too.

He doesnt seem to see that its potentially professional sabotage (not inviting me to things etc) although I haven't said 'sabotage' to him outright. Thats why I wanted to gauge opinion here.

I could go to HR but shes been there many many years. And I am new.

The stupid thing is we even look alike. And we are the same age, with young kids.

I'd tackle that one head on.

Not a pissing contest. But a really clear, objective timeline of your duties, her duties, the project and what information you were given, what information was withheld.

She has knowledge of recurrent meetings and staff and general project info because shes been on it longer. She was supposed to be onboarding me as an equal so that I can lighten her load.

I think @therealLady_nichefield is a last resort tactic but it's funny! If she won't play professionally and fairly, then she would deserve it. But try and shame her in to behaving professionally first.

I like @gurunichefield ha ha ! unfortunately though, I have a life and my Twitter handle is just my name

I think you may need to be blunt.
Can you see her calender? Make it clear you need to be aware of all up and coming appointments
Some kind of working contract?

Ah I have tried that but she has her whole calendar booked out as 'private'

Sounds like a classic complaining of workload and being so busy - so someone called her bluff and got you involved and now she is not so sure. Can you share calendars or access calendars and have hers showing on yours and then you can keep more of an eye on what she is up to. I would defo make friends with other team members and get them to "tell tales" or let you know of stuff going on. I would also go back to manager and make it clear you are unhappy with this arrangement and its not currently working, advise what steps you are putting in place and if it doesn't improve be clear you want intervention and if so what - the manager may be managing rather than specialist tech but doesn't mean they are just "admin" - how condescending are you. But it also doesn't mean they are good at proper management when there are issues!!

Sometimes its seen as a bit of an initiation test to be honest in these Agile team type environments there is alot of bully tactics goes on as well as the "collab" working etc.

Good luck though I think you are in for a bit of a rough ride - but it will be great practice for teenagers!!

Could you email her and say ‘There seem to be issues with our email servers as emails you have sent to me are being delayed causing me to miss, or be late for, a number of meetings which I should have been in attendance at. I’m sure you’ll agree that this is disruptive and appears unprofessional to clients. To avoid recurrence could I suggest the following actions: (a) you notify me now of all currently arranged upcoming meetings, and (b) you copy me into all future arrangements and you await my reply before confirming the meeting date. It may be helpful if you were to also give me access to view your diary. I hope these actions will solve the email problem and allow us to work fully as a team.’

And I’d also copy in anyone senior you were able to

I think you just need to start keeping a log of these incidents and bringing it to HR now. It’s not acceptable.

too many words.

Much as I like the oneupmanship Twitter suggestions I'd just deal with it honestly and directly.

Explain you were given to understand that you are both equally responsible for the project. You were delighted to be working with another woman so that you can avoid the political game playing employed by some male colleagues (!) and you feel you have complementary skills that combined will be extremely effective. Suggest some ways of working that will work for both of you (for instance):

• a thorough induction and briefing session with her and with the developers individually
• a monthly planning meeting to review forthcoming meetings, expos, demos etc and open diaries so that you can invite her to the meetings you will be setting up with external contacts
• a clear division of responsibilities and goals (grasp the mettle and make some suggestions here)
• a brief catch up once a week to touch base on progress

I'm sure that's not right in terms of how to run your project - you will know best. Say also that you feel you've got off on the wrong foot as you felt surprised not to be informed in advance of key meetings and that you wouldn't want it to spiral into a pattern where you were doing the same thing to her.

Be brave, honest and professional and be clear that you will address these issues as they arise. Dont let it slide as she will think she's getting away with it. Call it.

Good luck. I hate such game playing and politicking. It's poor professional behaviour and means your team isn't playing to its strengths. That's really bad for business. (And it sounds like your boss knows what she's like). Nip it in the bud.

I have actually sent a very similar email explaining that I'm actually quite embarrassed to be joining meetings late or not at all and could she please invite me at all upcoming.

I am going to force myself into the team ( as a friendly observer of course) to let the guys know I am there for them as a specialist ( if the need me)

And @RB68 how did you guess it was Agile I suppose I did sound condescending but I did raise it with my people manager and he just laughed it off! I'll just try to be the friendly approachable one to her dictatorial stance.

I'd try being really blunt and persistent with her. Ask her every day what she has on for that day and what she has planned coming up. Ask her is there anything else. Ask her if she is sure if there is nothing else you need to know about. If she leaves you out of something or tells you late you need to to address it with her every time. Address it in person and in writing. Be like a broken record.

If she ever 'instructs' you keep reminding her that you are co-workers and it's not ok for her to 'tell' you what to do. You have to tell her bluntly. You don't need to be rude to her just clear and direct.

BTW Her twitter name is really cringey. The more women in this line of career the better but 'LadyXXXXX' is naff.

Thanks @Bouledeneige that's a really helpful comment a catch up once a week between her and I is a great idea.

Yes I agree the gendered language of a twitter handle when women are underrepresented in our field sticks in my throat a bit too.

Not a pissing contest. But a really clear, objective timeline of your duties, her duties, the project and what information you were given, what information was withheld.

This. You need to write up clearly and concisely a timeline of everything that’s happened. You have the makings of it already in your OP, so you would just be changing to professional language, adding dates, specific times, referencing specific emails, including copies of those emails. She started by excluding you from that expo that sounds like it would have been professionally important for you, and it looks (from here) like she started how she means to go on.

This is NOT something that should be taken in a lighthearted manner. She is absolutely trying to sabotage you, and in my professional experience, women who have it out for other women in their same field can be more petty, insidious, and dangerous to your professional reputation than a few sleazy men. I would make it clear this isn’t light-hearted, before she does something to really land you in it, which could any moment.You owe her nothing, and she would apparently toss you to the wolves in a heartbeat, so there you go.