to not get into a pissing contest with this woman

[suspended]

I work in tech in a niche field (think Internet of Things)

I have just started a new job with a massive company. Very excited as more scope to work within this field and more opportunity etc.

I was introduced to my new project (exciting) and told that I would be co-delivering with this person (I'll call her X). I was also excited because there are hardly any women working in this field so it was really unusual to have two working on the same project.

She was less than excited. I haven't had a great welcome. Everything was brisk and authoritative. I was spoken to and given instructions akin to the instructions you would give an administrator. I was then told she would be unavailable for a week as she had a 'big presentation to do' .

A week later my manager asked me 'why aren't you at the expo with X?' . It turns out I should have been at a big industry expo in London demoing the tech and mixing with early adoptors. While I have only been with the company a short while I am an expert in my field so it can't have been that I was too new. And anyway my manager thought I should have been there.

So I checked the company website and expo 'TV feed' and there she was on the panel (that I should have been on) answering questions and liasing with potential clients with her Twitter username underneath on screen. (this is relevant) Her username was something along the lines of @Lady_nichefield .

Anyway I was a little annoyed but moved on. The week after I had lots more 'instructions' but when I tried to ask questions about the project I got no answers. So my tactic to mitigate this was to introduce myself to the wider team and familiarise myself with our project if she wasnt going to help.

I then got emails from her saying 'why are you taking the developers time, you can ask me' I explained that I had asked her and she hadn't answered. I also explained that I had asked the developer if he had time to run over the project with me.

I asked her about the expo and she said 'oh I didnt think you'd be interested'.

She then began inviting me to meetings (with clients or internal team) with either 5 minutes to spare or actually after the meeting had started. Given I'm not looking at my inbox constantly I wasn't seeing them in time which meant I missed a couple and attended one late. Very embarrassing.

I contacted her about this and sent screenshots of the invitations (what time they arrived) and she replied underlining the sentence 'I sent them before' .

So at this point I'm feeling quite unwelcome, a bit in the dark and like I'm running around trying to get to meetings I'm not aware of so I contact my manager to clarify our roles on the project. He tells me I have equal responsibility to deliver but "well she is @lady_nichefield on Twitter so maybe shes worried that shes not the only one anymore chuckles"

So I'm thinking that now this is all a big pissing contest and she thinks I'm encroaching on her 'territory' and that my new manager thinks its quite funny that this might be happening. Its not funny, I've only been there a short while and I feel that shes trying to make me look incompetent.

What can I do?

Force yourself into the team and make sure they know that any mails and invitations to her should also be to you too (not cc, not FYI but to you)

Grow a thick skin and elbow your way in if tact and diplomacy don't work with her.

I wouldn’t send her any emails, I would speak to her face to face
Sorry but I think this is bad advice. Emails leave a tangible trail of what’s been going on - or it’ll just be her word against yours if things start to escalate.

Take her into a side office/ for a coffee and tell her to stop deliberately undermining you and generally ask her what her fucking problem is. Tackle this head on before going to managers. Insist that you have viewing rights to appointments in her calendar.

Well, then if she doesn't shape up after your little chat, then it's cc city with emails and so on, and keeping a record of things and then going to managers.

Yup, Samosaurus is right, have that email trail!

If she demands something unreasonable, ask her to put it in an email. If she won't, you can email her with a subject line like 're your request that I do x' and a body text asking her to clarify that she has asked you for whatever inappropriate thing it was.

And every Friday my subject line in a regular email would be 'Request to view your calendar for wc (Monday's date) with updates through the week reminding her and suggesting the benefits. I'd have two or three templates set up and it would be the work of a moment to do this three times a week or so.

She's being totally unprofessional and you need to be the consummate professional by contrast.

Placemarking to respond later.

Bring it up as a blocker in stand-up - ie make it the coach's problem. (obviously expressed in suitably agile phrasing but use the 'blocker' word.

Invite her to lunch and talk it through face to face first.

If that doesn't work, then you need to document by email trail.

What have you been doing for the last week?

ie your variant of: I think/feel my onboarding is blocked because I'm struggling to get plugged into the sprint heartbeat - can we introduce open calendars or perhaps a team calendar to remove this blocker?

If you are jointly running a project you need access to her diary and all meetings. I would tell her she needs to allow access, by email, ccing managers into it.

If she denies this request ask why. Again by email.

If she gives you admin, bounce it back with a ???? did you mean to send this to me or Steve The Administrator? If she gives it you verbally, laugh and say 'no, that's an admin job, what are YOU doing today?'.

I would also go to the management team, tell them you are feeling excluded, left out and ignored which is making it impossible to do the role you are being paid to do. And you want a week shadowing her. And I mean shadowing her. Sat with her, listening in on phonecalls, access to her diary, in every meeting. Get so far in her face she can't fart without you knowing about it. Sit and take notes so you look busy.

Then, because people like her tend to look busy, but aren't actually that productive and after a week you will know where she is struggling, take the best work from her, explain you are equal in the workplace, she's struggling hence you being hired and you are also being paid to work. If your arguements are solid she will make herself look very silly if she digs her heels in.

I would also ask her what she thinks your role is. It could be she has asked for an assistant and been given you instead and genuinely doesn't realise you are her equal. She may be being managed out and you don't know. She may be being set up to fail.

A company that doesn't manage your integration very well isn't managing people very well. Be careful you don't shaft another woman in a male dominated environment inadvertently. Obviously protect yourself and don't let her bully you, but the wishy washy response from management would concern me slightly.

I work in tech too. Majority of women I've come across are not like this and are happy there's another female in the office.

Is she like this towards men she works with too or only against women?

Not sure why some women have to do this. We should be bringing eachother up not screwing eachother over. With any luck people are catching on to her nasty attitude and karma will slap her right in the face.

In the meantime I'd personally pester her a bit to do what she needs to. Go to her desk and be polite asking for those meetings to be forwarded to you. Don't leave her desk until she does it. You should be able to speak to your manager about these things. If he wants to shake it off with a casually sexist "catfight" remark then he deserves a bit of a slap too tbh . Escalate it further if you can.

To be honest if nothing is changing I'd be looking for a new role within or outside the company. So draining dealing with people like that.

This struck me:

It turns out I should have been at a big industry expo in London demoing the tech and mixing with early adoptors. While I have only been with the company a short while I am an expert in my field so it can't have been that I was too new. So I checked the company website and expo 'TV feed' and there she was on the panel (that I should have been on)

So why didn't you know abot the expo? It's your job to keep up with trends in the industry and know when big shows are.

She's acting like a real bitch. She's obviously terrified you're going to encroach on 'her' turf and is doing everything possible to piss on you and make you feel bad. Shame that women can't be fairer to each other in business...

Your boss sounds useless too. I'd keep a log of everything that's gone wrong and every way she has sabotaged you. I'd get him onside by asking him how he'd feel if a man did this to him. You could couch it in terms of her making the business look bad, not personal, if you think that's more professional.

I'd email your boss and ask for a proper introduction to your team and induction, so everyone knows exactly what your duties are and when they should come to you. Find out when all meetings will be held and make sure you're added to the mailing list.

Don't be an observer - you're there to work, not observe.

Doesn't sound like Lady whatserface is going to be up for a chatty lunch so I'd be very professional but very firm with her. What a cow. And I'm not keen on the 'lady' hashtag either. Eurgh.

Good luck. You may need it.

Stop deferring to her.

Who gave you this assignment, to deliver this project?
I imagine going back to the project-delegator with documented trail of why you are unable to progress, are being stymied.

How is she getting away with her calendar being Private? Surely you'd all have to have open calendars, otherwise how does anyone know where and what anyone else is doing?

If she's using it as a personal calendar then that has to stop. Just make sure that her calendar becomes totally open - not just for you to see. Because there's nothing to stop her putting stuff on after the event and then saying you must have missed seeing it - if it's completely open then others will have 'missed it' too...

I would definitely keep an email trail.

I don't understand how your manager isn't taking it seriously. Even if they don't understand the work and do the people management anyone would know it's not good for your career or the project if you don't know about meetings and events you need to know about.

If she won't do a weekly meeting I would either email her every day and ask if there are any meetings you need to know for the following day or every Friday asking her what the plan of work is for the next week including meetings. Is would also email and ask her to give you the correct permissions to her calendar so you can see appointments not just "busy" or "private" unless that is actually what she writes for every thing she books in.

If she carries on being difficult then look at who else attends the meetings that you can ask.

Good luck!

Oh god this is horrible. What about approacher her boss? Your boss is an idiot.

I would clarify first of all, with your manager, whatever his role/seniority that this woman knows you are there as an equal and not as "an extra pair of hands"
What has she been told about your role?
She needs to speak to her manager as well

Then you need to follow Bouledeneige's excellent advice .
It sounds like a very disorganised hierarchy and tbh, if there is all this confusion after such a short time in the job, I'd be querying just how good a place it is.
In fairness to her, it could well be that she has been given just as little information about your role as you clearly have about hers.

@SpotlessMind had the answer earlier in the thread.

You have to email her, CC'ing in bosses, and explain that emails are sent unreasonably late (or there is perhaps a "server issue" here?) for you to attend meetings.

This is meaning you are unable to perform your function.

You have a useful suggestion, which is that either she grants access to her diary, or you are given X amount of notice for meetings so you can attend - whatever notice Lady Nichefield is given, you need the same notice.

Do this and you're marking out your level as a professional. It's not bitchy, it's not wrong, it's you saying "I am here to do my job and you're not helping me do my job."

At the end of the day, she wants you to feel bad for existing in her space. That is what it's all about.

Are you going to let her strange jealous feelings define your future career outcomes? of course not.

Email is best, CC in management, squash it ASAP so you can move forward.

I'd email HR, your manager, her manager, and her. It'd highlight there seems to be confusion about your role and responsibilities, that you're being missed off mailing lists and meeting invites, etc, and you think it would be helpful for everyone to have a meeting to discuss.

Yy it's completely heavy handed but it documents the issues, gives you the opportunity to see if she's going to continue to be evasive or if her professional reputation within the company is enough to motivate her to act appropriately, flags up to both managers that she's being resistant.

Don't mention the Twitter handle. It's not important and would make you seem threatened by someone's social media name.

I'd be really direct with her. I'd get a meeting and say: you are systematically sabotaging my career here. You have done XY and Z to prevent me from doing my job well. I am fully aware of your tactics and unless it stops right now and you explain yoruself I will make a formal complaint about you. We should be a good team of women in this industry, not pettily point scoring against each other, It;'s a waste of energy and resources. From now on I expect to be cc'd into all emails concerning meetings which I am expected to attend, so I have full awareness of them. And I can assure you right now that any meetings I set up which are relevant to you, you will know about in good time. Agreed?'
I'd keep my voice and words civil but make pretty ferocious eye contact. I can't stand bullies and that woman is bullying you!

how did you guess it was Agile

Everywhere these days calls their deliery methods "Agile" even though most are more akin to "Fragile". People remain people, whatever the methodology.

Have you sussed out the power map/relationships in the organisation first?

• whose head is on the block if this piece isn't delivered?
• do both your hierarchies roll up into that person?
• did she choose you or were you visited upon her?
• how exactly does this "co-delivery" model work? Normally one would be in charge and the other acting as their deputy. Is this a political agreement between two disagreeing directors further up the ine?

Track actual incidents vs perceived but if you have to work with this person longer term you need to sort out a workable relationship with them face to face. To do that you need the answers to the above and also to understand her better.

Mails to the management are unlikely to help if you haven't negotiated with her first.

Twitter handles including "lady", "dude" or any other self appointed title are wanky.

I should add, I've been on the other side of this. Where a new member of staff came in, thought they had responsibility for areas which were mine and tried to encroach. I dealt with it the same way that I suggested you do in my post above ie met with them to find out what they thought their role was; explained where they were mistaken and trying to encroach on my role. Then met with both managers to ensure everyone was clear.
So I wouldn't assume that she's definitely mistaken especially since your manager's communication skills seem to tend to lighthearted and evasive rather than clear and forthright.

@expert_nichefield

Definitely. I hate people like X.

Not a pissing contest. But a really clear, objective timeline of your duties, her duties, the project and what information you were given, what information was withheld.

I agree with this. Also record unprofessional and unhelpful comments like that from your boss.

Take it to HR and approach it from the angle that all this means you are not currently able to do your job optimally, and the company is not getting best value out of you. Keep it totally professional.

I don’t think taking her out for coffee or staying later than her would be helpful or professional ways of handling it. Circumvent her totally.