to not get into a pissing contest with this woman

[suspended]

I work in tech in a niche field (think Internet of Things)

I have just started a new job with a massive company. Very excited as more scope to work within this field and more opportunity etc.

I was introduced to my new project (exciting) and told that I would be co-delivering with this person (I'll call her X). I was also excited because there are hardly any women working in this field so it was really unusual to have two working on the same project.

She was less than excited. I haven't had a great welcome. Everything was brisk and authoritative. I was spoken to and given instructions akin to the instructions you would give an administrator. I was then told she would be unavailable for a week as she had a 'big presentation to do' .

A week later my manager asked me 'why aren't you at the expo with X?' . It turns out I should have been at a big industry expo in London demoing the tech and mixing with early adoptors. While I have only been with the company a short while I am an expert in my field so it can't have been that I was too new. And anyway my manager thought I should have been there.

So I checked the company website and expo 'TV feed' and there she was on the panel (that I should have been on) answering questions and liasing with potential clients with her Twitter username underneath on screen. (this is relevant) Her username was something along the lines of @Lady_nichefield .

Anyway I was a little annoyed but moved on. The week after I had lots more 'instructions' but when I tried to ask questions about the project I got no answers. So my tactic to mitigate this was to introduce myself to the wider team and familiarise myself with our project if she wasnt going to help.

I then got emails from her saying 'why are you taking the developers time, you can ask me' I explained that I had asked her and she hadn't answered. I also explained that I had asked the developer if he had time to run over the project with me.

I asked her about the expo and she said 'oh I didnt think you'd be interested'.

She then began inviting me to meetings (with clients or internal team) with either 5 minutes to spare or actually after the meeting had started. Given I'm not looking at my inbox constantly I wasn't seeing them in time which meant I missed a couple and attended one late. Very embarrassing.

I contacted her about this and sent screenshots of the invitations (what time they arrived) and she replied underlining the sentence 'I sent them before' .

So at this point I'm feeling quite unwelcome, a bit in the dark and like I'm running around trying to get to meetings I'm not aware of so I contact my manager to clarify our roles on the project. He tells me I have equal responsibility to deliver but "well she is @lady_nichefield on Twitter so maybe shes worried that shes not the only one anymore chuckles"

So I'm thinking that now this is all a big pissing contest and she thinks I'm encroaching on her 'territory' and that my new manager thinks its quite funny that this might be happening. Its not funny, I've only been there a short while and I feel that shes trying to make me look incompetent.

What can I do?

You need to go above her head and speak to whoever is responsible for bringing your project in and on budget, explain what she is doing and that it is jeopardising the project. It's incredibly childish of her. Very unprofessional.

@SpotlessMind has a great suggestion.

Personally, I think you can't win with people like that. If you defer to her and ask her lots of questions and act like she's amazing (the way she wants you to) she'll go round telling everyone you have to ask about XYZ and that she's training you and anything else she can make you seem inferior with. If you call her on it she'll ignore you more. If you ignore her she'll tell everyone you're ignoring her. Literally the only thing you can do is get on with your job and wait for her to stop being a child.
However, that day might never come. Because if she decides you've accepted being treated like an inferior instead of equals, that's how she'll always treat you.
I've worked with someone like this on a project and I ended up leaving in the end because there was literally no point in me being involved, they just took over everything and didn't even give me simple tasks to do. I worked with someone else like this and it ended with constructive dismissal because they just wouldn't let go and kept sending me important emails after the last minute or missing key information so I could not do my job.
If you can't stand being walked all over by her, I think you need to tell your manager that she doesn't need any help after all and ask if you can be redeployed to another project in your niche field. Or find another job using your last references and leave her to be queen of her hill of beans.

Is she going to respond to “nice”, constructive, polite requests, do you think? Because it sounds like she’s been pretty hardball so far in excluding you and knowing exactly what she’s doing.

You sound like a lovely, friendly, polite person. It may well be that to get anywhere you’re going to have to drop the “nice” aspect. Only you know the personalities involved, but I would be tempted to have a 1:1 lay your cards on the line meeting with her to clear the air, rather than dance around managers and HR. In many organisations you’re expected to try and resolve your own issues first, as it shows good people skills, negotiation, proactivity, independence etc. Would that apply here?

The other thing I’d do is look around your colleagues/industry. What kind of behaviours do the successful guys model? Think of someone you admire in your field - how would they approach this?

As she's likely to refuse you 'view only' access to her calendar, is there anyone else there who is in the dept who you can ask re the regular internal meetings & the client meetings? If not, I'd flag to the manager of you both that your being denied basic info vital to your role. It's out & out sabotage.

The Twitter username is actually really indicative of her world-view. She values herself (and wants to remain) "the only woman in X field". Just like Daffyd must remain "The only gay in the village".

Years ago a senior manager suggested to me that a good way of getting awkward people on side was to ask them for help. She said "People are comfortable with refusing requests, but it takes a real bastard to ignore a please help me."

The "help" part doesn't need to be the main issue, it can just be the "in" to get you both to a table and discussing best practise etc.

instructions you would give an administrator

What are those then?

Maybe you should stop looking down on administrators and get in with them instead and they'll tell you when the meetings etc are 🙄

That's a heck of a chip on your shoulder @ElizaDee
Where did she look down on administrators? You can respect the job they do hugely, but if you're not one and you should be getting a different level of work (and are employed and paid to do that level), then you shouldn't be getting administrators' work. The OP was saying no more than that.

I agree with the pp who have said you need to fight this, particularly her cutting you out of something as important as the big expo.. I don't think you can give her an inch. Trying to be nice and helpful is unlikely to work with someone who has already decided her plan of action in advance of you even starting, and as mumsnet likes to say has "shown you who she is." She is not going to start treating you equally and fairly.

They already know what Lady X is like, you’re probably their umpteenth attempt of getting anyone to work with her. Keep going, do research, stay later/start earlier than her and get ahead of her without her help. Soon enough, people will start coming to you first and she’ll be left in the dark. She’ll either have a hissy fit and leave or she’ll start working with you.
I’ve been there, not the same industry, but exactly the same Lady X and I managed to give her a run for her money. Don’t give her any ammunition, in that, don’t go and complain about her.

She is sabotaging you and you must not let her get away with it.

Document everything. Keep every email/memo, etc that she sends you (especially look up whether she sent you meeting alerts as she claims to have, and try to catch her in a lie).

(And you need to be glued to your inbox, sorry).

Ask her for a chat and if she acquiesces, ask her how she will solve the problem of her sidelining you and therefore not getting the best out of all involved in the project.

If she responds with accusations, attacks, defense in general, express your regrets that she is finding it difficult to understand that client satisfaction is what you are all there for.
After your meeting, send her a memo.

Then go over her head and also to HR, ccing the memo and all documentation you have gathered of missed meetings due to not being informed of them, missed Expo as you were not informed of it, and all requests for help and viewing her calendar, etc.

If she plays nice and offers solutions, make sure they are what you want, and then you don't have to approach her manager or HR. But send her a memo confirming the outline of the way work will be accomplished from then on.

Did you have a predecessor in the role? What happened to him or her?

Thanks @Bouledeneige that's a really helpful comment a catch up once a week between her and I is a great idea.

I think once a week isn't enough for the time being. I'd go for everyday.

'What is happening today? What meetings are on today? Is there anything I should know about for today or this week? Are you sure? I don't won't to hear about meeting last minute or too late again'

She's afraid that you'll expose her.
Carry on networking within your group. I'm sure they are already aware what she's up to and are hoping it'll be sorted between you.
Bad management for sure.
Over to you

The more women in this line of career the better but 'LadyXXXXX' is naff.

It also sounds as if she likes being seen as the only woman in the field. As you were appointed to do the same project, I’d see how she responded to a discussion about planning to avoid duplication. At the moment I don’t quite see how this is going to develop unless you can start establishing something in which you are the driving seat, not being set up to fail as the not very competent assistant.

If it was me, I’d book a meeting with her. Record it. Lay it out that you were brought on the project at her request to lighten her load and her behaviour so far has been unprofessional. Ask her why and how she envisions the future of this project going. You’ll going to have to be upfront and brazen with everything recorded and all incidents noted. Get to know the rest of the team. She’s being a massive dick. I’m not sure why they brought you on board if she doesn’t like sharing. They obviously have huge concerns about her ability to deliver. Do you want to do this? You could go back to your manager and request a change of project. You are new and an expert in your field. They have a duty of card towards you too. Say that you don’t feel your skills are being best used. That she’s obviously not on board with the project set up and you feel your talents would be best used elsewhere.

I am going to force myself into the team ( as a friendly observer of course) to let the guys know I am there for them as a specialist ( if the need me)

Don't do this as an observer - you need to position clearly with everyone you meet what your role is and how you will work with each other. There is no incentive to invite someone along who is just an observer, especially when stand-ups are short, there are spontaneous huddles around a blocker, etc.

Do you sit with the team? Are you attending ceremonies?

This happened to me, except it was the new girl who drove me off.

I was thrilled to have another woman in our male-dominated office, but she saw me as competition from the second she laid eyes on me, despite me being senior to her. She did everything she could to undermine me, including badmouthing me behind my back.

Similar to the OP, she would pull stunts like trying to give me her admin, then loudly question why it wasn't done in front of the entire office. I just played dumb and suggested she contact HR for additional training if she was having difficulty doing her role. That shut her up fo a while.

I'd never had a problem with another woman before, so it was a shock to me. When I brought it the boss's attention (multiple times), he laughed it off as 'cat fighting'. For me, it just wasn't worth the hassle. I walked straight into a better, higher paying gig elsewhere. Weirdly enough, the project went tits up, shortly thereafter...

Back to you: you could do a peace offering of treating her to lunch and then fawning over her, asking her loads of questions about her background, what advice she has for another woman in the field.

I've also bonded with stubborn staff by identifying a common enemy so we can connect over jokey comments (i.e. a nasty client).

Fake sympathy for her having to deal with some made-up hardship: "You've done brilliantly to get the project this far."

Personally, I've never been in a situation where management has handled this well, so I wouldn't count on them for support.

Bunch of school girls fighting to be top dog!

She's jealous. I'd make a trail.

I have experienced this before.

A lot of the time, these people rely on you not calling them on it. Ask her to meet you for a coffee, off-site (it's a power base thing, neutral territory) and go through what's been happening and say that things have to change. As others have said, aim for key agreements on how to manage the work rather than just criticisms.

Facing some one eye to eye on this kind of behaviour has, in my experience, forced them to realise I'm not a doormat and their behaviour has transformed. I think some people bully if they think they can.

First of all create an excel sheet (or something more tech!) and log every single incident including your post

Then decide if you feel brave enough to tackle her head on ? And have a ‘difficult’ but direct conversation

I have similar . Its very very draining

I would contact hr and send then all the emails that made you late fir meetings also ignoring requests for information.

Ok so I work in an agile environment too and it couldn’t be more different - there is so much communication and collaboration we barely have time to actually do any work! Dont you have daily standups with the team , and a kanban board so you can see all the tasks, progress, backlog, releases etc? And we all have totally open calendars. If that kind of stuff isn’t happening I don’t get how this is an agile culture because the whole point is to communicate a lot.
I wouldn’t send her any emails, I would speak to her face to face and just insist on being invited to all the meetings. And your manager needs to step up, he needs to make sure you have a proper induction not leave it to your peer. And the senior management will be under so much pressure to retain the women they recruit because it’s such a massive problem in tech so maybe go above his head if you need to

Tri meeting with yourself, colleague and line manager at your behest to clarify roles.

I have had similar-

It is very frustrating and she will make it hard for you to call out with her pretence of helpfulness in front of others which is why you document everything and are very factual. I was in a similar situation with a colleague who was scheming and underhand to try and discredit me and get the glory.
But others could not see it because covered her tracks well.

Eventually when I was leaving (for an unrelated reason) I actually said to her "I'm going-it's all yours-you can stop now" and even then she didn't.

She did leave a trail of destruction in her wake and left not soon after under a financial cloud-but even when i was no longer a perceived threat she couldn't/wouldn't stop.

Is there someone Sr further up organisation that you both report to who you can flag things up to??? Before it goes to far??

The PP who said 'only gay in the village' has it spot-on! Read it but can't find it now.

You've played fair; she's playing sneaky. I think the key thing is to get access to her calendar.bIf nobody is able or willing to force her to authorise this, I'd cultivate her admin, find who has her permissions and make sure I saw it every day.

I had similar. It was someone who felt threatened by me, repeatedly introduced me wrongly at conferences despite reminders and when I reported this to our shared line manager, ignored my presence and 'forgot' to introduce me at all!

Her worst, I felt, was on a work trip where she (in the company car she regarded as her own but in which she had been obliged to accommodate two colleagues) asked for my help with loading her case, popped the boot and then sat waiting for me to do the heavy lifting. I told her I would help but wasn't going to lift it alone.

She had been told to share the driving but refused all our offers to get behind the wheel. When we got near the turnoff for her home, she suddenly announced she would drop me at the station to finish my journey home by train as she was now tired.

So there I was, dumped on a rural station late in the evening, having had to phone home to alert DH and get him to look at train times etc as there was no internet. Luckily I only had a 20 minute wait for my train, but she neither knew not cared if the last one had already gone through.

I think my unforgivable crime was totally rebuilding a ropy piece of work she had contributed for publishing. I was fellow contributer and general editor. I had had to chase her for it and she kept claiming she had the 'final version' somewhere but couldn't find it. I had her back and my work went out as hers, but she hated the exposure, even just to me.

These insecure people never change and are never real colleagues.