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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partners teenage daughter

161 replies

oceanstarising · 07/10/2019 13:27

So my partner has recently given up his flat to live with me, I am 25 with a 4 year old and he is 41 with 2 teenagers 18 boy and 15 girl, they both are challenging in their own way mainly daughter is very needy. he sees them every weekend and his daughter usually stays sat night and all day sunday, there is always agruements that she wants to sleep in the same room/ doesnt want me to share a bed with her dad while she is here, or she wants the time without me there. I am finding it really hard to share space with her and I try and make plans to be out all day, but a few times she hasnt come and he has been so upset, and says i dont care and im not being supportive. every weekend we argue about her for some reason or other, im so sick of it like i am being blamed for them not seeing eachother, but yes i cant really cope with her forcing me out of the bedroom because of her 'needs' and insecurities, not knowing if shes going to come or not and that effecting my plans if i will see my partner on his day off work.. also he is not very affectionate to my boy, who has no contact with his dad, and i often feel like i want someone who is more available to be a family with, I am only 25 and having someone whos had a family already feels quite heavy..

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/10/2019 16:52

There is one positive here- you didn't give up your home to be with him, so he will be the one having to find a new place to live.
I'm in no position to mention the age gap, because my husband is 22 years older than me and we married when I was 20. It was difficult enough to get his siblings to treat me as an adult, I can't imagine how hard it would have been to deal with teenage children as well. The daughter's behaviour is awful, but I think totally understandable, she must be very upset and feel as if she doesn't really matter. This whole situation is a bit of a mess and I think it may well turn out to be not worth the trouble it causes.
Are there definite plans in place to improve your living situation? Or is he happy to carry on like this?

Andysbestadventure · 07/10/2019 16:54

You're only 25. Jesus fuck. Run like the fucking wind. Asap.

Vanhi · 07/10/2019 16:56

She's a 15 year old madam. Spoilt and selfish. 15 isn't a child she a manipulative young woman who knows exactly what she's doing. Naive to pretend otherwise.

Met her, have you? Know her well? She's staying in her dad's home every weekend, a home that is so small she cannot have her own room but sleeps on the sofa. Her dad's girlfriend is 10 years older than her and 7 years older than her brother. She isn't a visitor - it should be her home. She sounds as if she's insecure and acting out, and frankly it's not surprising.

pjmask · 07/10/2019 16:56

She needs a permanent room of her own. Not this

Many children have to share rooms with siblings, and indeed parents. It's not ideal but it's the way it is.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/10/2019 16:59

pjmask she doesn't even have a room to share. She has a sofa. Or the offer of her dad and his new gf vacating their bed on nights she is there (and who would want to sleep in the bed their dad shares with his gf?).

A room she shares with a sibling would be great!

KellyHall · 07/10/2019 17:14

Why can't she sleep in the same room as your ds if there's another bed in there? No child wants to sleep in a bed their parent (presumably) has sex in!

It sounds iike his dd is jealous. When I was 14, my mum met a man and they understandably spent a lot of time together. I'd had my mum mostly to myself for years so I was extremely jealous and became an absolute twat to both of them for years.

We all get on amazingly now but teenage years are such an emotional rollercoaster anyway, such a big family change might be the straw that broke the camel's back where she's concerned.

Be understanding but not a doormat, even if she doesn't like the situation, you sound like you've done enough to at least expect some respect.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 07/10/2019 17:29

She's a 15 year old madam. Spoilt and selfish. 15 isn't a child she a manipulative young woman who knows exactly what she's doing. Naive to pretend otherwise.

She's a child in a really confusing period of life who's struggling to deal with the fact her dad has shacked up with someone practically young enough to be her sister. Cut her some bloody slack. All of these 'alpha female' comments are such shit.

15 year olds act up. They are selfish. They push boundaries. So you parent them appropriately. Suggesting that she's developing some sort of Electra Complex is vile. She has zero control over what happens to her so she's trying to regain some control and stability in the only way she can. This has the potential to completely destroy her relationship with her father and he sounds completely ineffective as a parent.

Op he needs to go. This relationship isn't right for either or you, or your children. Cut your losses and get him out of your home, then learn for next time that you'll need a much longer intro period before blending families.

Best of luck, it sounds like a really tough situation all around.

Twe123 · 07/10/2019 17:37

I think u need to realy sit down and air this all out, before so I'd have a sit and think and maybe right down a list of all the things u want in life there's a huge age gap and difference in lifestyle between u both, the last thing u want to do is feel trapped and surrounded by stresses that aren't yours you should never feel uncomfortable in Ur own home and Ur partner should be made to understand this, your doing wonderfully to take all of Ur partners baggage on just remember Ur young u have u own life to build and your own personal growth and development to work on be sure those u spend Ur time on are not only what u want but time u won't consider lost,

I wish u the best of luck.

TheQueef · 07/10/2019 17:56

Price per letter or summat?

DriftingLeaves · 07/10/2019 17:57

So his daughter is no more a visitor than the OP’s child.

Utter bollocks. OP's child lives there all the time. DSD has another home, another room - where she lives most of the time. To attempt to compare the two is beyond stupid.

Original poster
oceanstarising · 07/10/2019 18:13

recrudecence, we generally live together well I love having someone to share chores and generally having someone around he seems to help me be be more organised and in that way life seems easier with him living here. I really want a relationship where I live with someone and we help eachother day to day, I stupidly thought oh yes i can just go out while she is here, find some nurturing events or something, I doubt we can afford an extra bedroom house in the area i live, I guess im gonna see over the next few months how it pans out cant take arguing every week its mad, thanks for your responses

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 07/10/2019 18:22

Why oh why did you allow this OP?

Please get him out sooner than later. You’re going to fall into the sunk costs fallacy, damage relationships with your own son while he alienates his own children.

What a mess. I feel sorry for the daughter tbh.

BertrandRussell · 07/10/2019 18:23

Contraception, OP, and plenty of it.

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2019 19:08

And those are the reasons you moved a new man into your son’s home?

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 19:20

This is never going to work. For everyone’s sake but more so yours and DS’ I would call it quits. Too much stress and trouble. Life should be good, OP, it doesn’t sound like it is to me.

iBiscuit · 07/10/2019 19:30

God yes, what Bertrand said. He's a crap father to his existing kids and not into step-parenting your son. He won't get any better.

NaviSprite · 07/10/2019 19:33

I'd say that you should take what you're experiencing now and understand it's very unlikely to change.

You have moved him into your flat and he is now imposing everything he wants without putting any work into facilitating a healthy relationship with his own DD. You say he's not overly affectionate with your DS either, honestly I'd call it quits in this situation and focus on yourself and your DS. Rather that then living the next however many years with the arguments and resentment.

Juells · 07/10/2019 19:54

He's messed up his own child, and your child is next to be messed with. I'm afraid I think you're being very selfish. The reasons you give for wanting him living with you are very shallow. You owe it to your child to think of his welfare.

If you do break up with him, please don't say it's because of the daughter's behaviour, he'll use that as an excuse to see less of her probably, and leave her even more messed up.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 07/10/2019 20:33

oceanstarising you come across as being very passive in your own life.

Waiting and seeing what happens in the next few months really is not the answer to a possitive life for you, your ds or his dd.

BertrandRussell · 07/10/2019 20:44

I’m just going to pop up every now and again to say “contraception” and to hope it’s not too late.

Hesafriendfromwork · 07/10/2019 20:47

OP will stay in this situation. She will continue to moan. Probably have another baby.

The 15 year old will get worse or end up not seeing her dad. Then everyone else will be to blame.

OP will continue to expect her boyfriend to play daddy to her, moan that he doesnt. She will have a baby and moan he is a crap dad to that child as well.

Will still be creating threads moaning in 1p years. It's sad but true. Doesnt matter how much someone tells us, that something is a mistake, we carry on regardless.

Poor kids.

AutumnCrow · 07/10/2019 20:48

He shares chores. Is that it?

cacklingmags · 07/10/2019 21:10

What kind of a git has a lodger instead of giving his child a bedroom? - A creepy old fuck who has found another youngster to look after him.

Rachelover60 · 07/10/2019 21:26

Op - your flat, your rules.

You can do better than be living with a man old enough to be your father and with serious baggage too.

As BR says - contraception! Wear a belt and braces if possible.

You don't need this man and definitely not his teenage children.

Find someone nearer your own age or at least with no children. There's nothing normal or funny about your situation, it is gross. However at least your flat is yours, big enough for you and your son. Not for a middle aged man and his almost grown up kids, telling you where can sleep or expecting you to go out when she's there. What a cheek! I get that the girl is insecure and I feel sorry for her but she isn't your problem.

What do your friends and family have to say about the relationship? I know what I'd say if you were my daughter.

Rainonmyguitar · 07/10/2019 23:24

there is always agruements that she wants to sleep in the same room/ doesnt want me to share a bed with her dad while she is here

This is really strange behaviour for a 15yo. If my 13yo step-daughter behaved like this, her dad would tell her to grow up.