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AIBU?

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Original poster

partners teenage daughter

161 replies

oceanstarising · 07/10/2019 13:27

So my partner has recently given up his flat to live with me, I am 25 with a 4 year old and he is 41 with 2 teenagers 18 boy and 15 girl, they both are challenging in their own way mainly daughter is very needy. he sees them every weekend and his daughter usually stays sat night and all day sunday, there is always agruements that she wants to sleep in the same room/ doesnt want me to share a bed with her dad while she is here, or she wants the time without me there. I am finding it really hard to share space with her and I try and make plans to be out all day, but a few times she hasnt come and he has been so upset, and says i dont care and im not being supportive. every weekend we argue about her for some reason or other, im so sick of it like i am being blamed for them not seeing eachother, but yes i cant really cope with her forcing me out of the bedroom because of her 'needs' and insecurities, not knowing if shes going to come or not and that effecting my plans if i will see my partner on his day off work.. also he is not very affectionate to my boy, who has no contact with his dad, and i often feel like i want someone who is more available to be a family with, I am only 25 and having someone whos had a family already feels quite heavy..

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 07/10/2019 15:18

From his daughter's perspective you are like another daughter he has taken up with. She is trying to get between you and her Dad. Does her mother know she sleeps in the same bed as her Dad aged 15??
That's plain weird.
Why has he moved in with you? Does it suit him financially to do that? Why would he have a lodger in his flat and then his daughter has to sleep on a sofa?? It's a lot cheaper for him to live with you and make you responsible for all his problems.
You are forced out of your own home every weekend to make room for his family. Is that fair to you? Is this fair to your own son who has to cope now with this extra family dynamic every weekend, plus a grumpy judgemental man treating him with indifference.
Tell him living together is not working, and that you are not ready for it yet. He already has a crap relationship with his own kids and it doesn't seem like he really likes your kid very much either.

SunshineDays2019 · 07/10/2019 15:18

Until you decide what is best (for you, but mostly for your son) please be scrupulous with birth control.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/10/2019 15:19

Woah! That sound like a car crash already in action!

She sounds really unhappy. So do you, truth be told!

Ask him to move back out again, spend some quality time with his own kids... get them on an even keel.

But I would also consider this being one of those "It shouldn't be this hard" relationships. It doesn't sound as though it brings you much joy.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 07/10/2019 15:22

I would put money on the real reason she's insistent that he does not share a bed with you when she is there is so you cannot have sex. At 15, realising the small age gap between herself and her father's new lover must be a huge head fuck. He needs to move out and cultivate a safe space that she can call home. Poor girl.

And OP, you too are too young to deal with this crap. Is he worth it?

DriftingLeaves · 07/10/2019 15:22

She's a child, not a 'madam'

She's a 15 year old madam. Spoilt and selfish. 15 isn't a child she a manipulative young woman who knows exactly what she's doing. Naive to pretend otherwise.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 15:24

Spoilt and selfish.

Oh yes, she sounds spoiled rotten. No bedroom, sleeping on the sofa in her dad’s flat so he can accommodate a lodger and now being offered someone else’s bed (when her dad and his new girlfriend aren’t shagging in it).

Where do I get in line for that?

Hmm
Purpleartichoke · 07/10/2019 15:25

That poor girl. Her father can’t even bother to make her a space of her own before he moves in with a woman and makes her feel even more alienated. You should think long and hard about committing yourself to a man who doesn’t make his children a priority.

TheQueef · 07/10/2019 15:26

15 year old children often are manipulative, it's how they learn safely because as parents we rein them in.
Perfectly normal learning behaviour from his child.

OllyBJolly · 07/10/2019 15:31

She's positioning herself as alpha female, when she's there she comes top and the OP has to know her place

FFS! She's a vulnerable 15 year old whose father has shacked up with someone not much older than she is. Her father thinks so little of her he doesn't even accommodate her when she's in his care. What a prick he is. And he's not that nice to your son.

Didn't either of you think of your responsibilities as parents before you decided to move in together?

hiddenworlds · 07/10/2019 15:36

He sounds like a crap dad

Don't have any children with him.

Tell him that a child is for life- they don't get pushed aside when the next squeeze comes along.

He needs to move out and put his family first.

squeaver · 07/10/2019 15:42

This isn't going to work in the short or long term.

His daughter clearly has some issues (caused by her parents' divorce??) and those issues should have been dealt with before you moved in together. Because it wan't just him moving in with you, was it? Even if it's only one night a week, you have to exist as a complete family at that time. That's not something you should do before you're already in that position.

I'm afraid you've been very naiive. Whose idea was it to move in together? I bet it was his? Is he contributing financially?

Put your own child first. He's getting nothing from this situation (and you're not getting much either by the sounds of it).

End this relationship and move on.

iBiscuit · 07/10/2019 15:48

Has anyone said "cocklodger" yet?

glitterfarts · 07/10/2019 15:55

I think he should move back out and get his own flat with a bedroom for his DD to sleep in if she visits every weekend.
Does he actually pay towards your bills etc or is he a cocklodger?

You can phrase it as: Better for us as not fighting about DD, better for DD as not feeling replaced by me, better for kids as get to spend quality time with their own parents.

Then you and he can re-assess moving in together when she is 18 and left home.

Fairylea · 07/10/2019 16:03

I find it strange that you seem more annoyed with the teenage sd than you seem worried about the fact your dp is not very good with your little son ...! Forget the teenage sd, not worth worrying about as he’s so crap with your ds, kick the dp out for the sake of your son.

NoCauseRebel · 07/10/2019 16:06

She's a 15 year old madam. Spoilt and selfish. 15 isn't a child she a manipulative young woman who knows exactly what she's doing. Naive to pretend otherwise. and the OP isn’t much older. What does that make her then?

TBH neither of these two have covered themselves in glory here. The man is a creep who is shacked up with a woman young enough to be his daughter, and the OP is insistent that her child should have the only bedroom in the flat and that she should come first ahead of the man’s fifteen and eighteen year olds. Hardly a match made in heaven is it?

If I were the fifteen year old I’d be mortified and no way would I want to introduce some 25 year old as my stepmother, and if I were either of the OP or the man’s parents I’d be ashamed of the pair of them.

pooopypants · 07/10/2019 16:15

OP, you're barely older than she is, I'm not surprised she doesn't respect you and your rules. Not that you seem to have actually laid any down.

And hold the fucking line a minute, she wants to share a bed with her dad.... in case she gets scared? Really?

the hills are that way

It's a shitstorm in the brewing. I can't see this ending well, for anyone

Vulpine · 07/10/2019 16:16

You used the word challenging about his daughter almost immediately. I'd imagine she's the least challenging person in this whole scenario. Give the girl a break.

DriftingLeaves · 07/10/2019 16:19

the OP is insistent that her child should have the only bedroom in the flat and that she should come first ahead of the man’s fifteen and eighteen year olds.

It's her flat, did you miss that? Visitors have to go where they are put, not take over. Resident child keeps his bedroom. daft to think otherwise.

NoCauseRebel · 07/10/2019 16:20

Erm, I don’t see where it has actually been said that the girl is sharing a bed with the OP’s DP, just that she doesn’t want the OP to sleep in the same bed as him....?

sparkles07 · 07/10/2019 16:20

Oh wow, give yourself a good shake and ask if at 25, this is the rest of your life for you and your son? You deserve better!

NoCauseRebel · 07/10/2019 16:22

Visitors? Err ok.

Fact here is that regardless of whose flat it is, for the moment this is both the OP and the DP’s home. So his daughter is no more a visitor than the OP’s child.

I find it amazing that people are criticising a fifteen year old child but the OP seems to be seen as some poor hapless victim? At 25? Erm I think not.

But I’m waiting for the dripfeed where the OP tells us that she is pregnant with an Hmm unplanned baby.....

Mintjulia · 07/10/2019 16:27

Ask him to leave now. This relationship is a massive mistake.
Sorry

TheQueef · 07/10/2019 16:30

I dunno Rebel I think these men can be very very manipulative too.
They know all the right things to say, after all his ExDw probably told him for years.
Seems more mature and settled doesn't go out raving or stone all day.
23 yr old freshly single mum, doubting herself and looking for someone.
Older, settled guy who appears to be a decent dad can blind you into future thinking.

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 16:38

Two teenagers is a shit ton of baggage! I’d cut him loose!

ncbaaybeee · 07/10/2019 16:38

Step children aside - if he didn't treat my DS like the best thing since sliced bread that would be a deal breaker for me. Why do women always think men will change?

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