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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

partners teenage daughter

161 replies

oceanstarising · 07/10/2019 13:27

So my partner has recently given up his flat to live with me, I am 25 with a 4 year old and he is 41 with 2 teenagers 18 boy and 15 girl, they both are challenging in their own way mainly daughter is very needy. he sees them every weekend and his daughter usually stays sat night and all day sunday, there is always agruements that she wants to sleep in the same room/ doesnt want me to share a bed with her dad while she is here, or she wants the time without me there. I am finding it really hard to share space with her and I try and make plans to be out all day, but a few times she hasnt come and he has been so upset, and says i dont care and im not being supportive. every weekend we argue about her for some reason or other, im so sick of it like i am being blamed for them not seeing eachother, but yes i cant really cope with her forcing me out of the bedroom because of her 'needs' and insecurities, not knowing if shes going to come or not and that effecting my plans if i will see my partner on his day off work.. also he is not very affectionate to my boy, who has no contact with his dad, and i often feel like i want someone who is more available to be a family with, I am only 25 and having someone whos had a family already feels quite heavy..

OP posts:

NoCauseRebel · 07/10/2019 14:21

I think you need to take this back to basics. If my daughter at 23 got together with a man with a sixteen year old I would tel her she needs to get a grip and take a look at her own boundaries. Not to judge her, but to hopefully bring her to her senses.

And if my ex got together with a woman only seven years older than my son I would think it sleazy as fuck.

People are concentrating on the fifteen year old’s behaviour here, but there is also an eighteen year old in the equation here, and dad’s gf is only seven years older than him.

And at fifteen I don’t think the daughter is unreasonable to be upset that her father is living with a woman who is only ten years older than her.

I know it’s legal and all but frankly the man sounds like a creep in the depths of a mid life crisis.

Jellybeansincognito · 07/10/2019 14:21

You’re closer in age to his eldest by 7 years. That’s less than half the age gap between you and your partner.

It’s never going to work.

I feel sorry for the kids.

Wildorchidz · 07/10/2019 14:21

Put your own young child ahead of everyone else in this situation.

littlepaddypaws · 07/10/2019 14:22

share a bed with her dad ? did i read that right she's 15 ??

Original poster

oceanstarising · 07/10/2019 14:22

no i offered her to have our bedroom, and we sleep in the room with my 4 yr old

OP posts:

ambereeree · 07/10/2019 14:22

Sounds like you want a way out. I'm concerned that there is a big age gap and he moved into your flat. Is he controlling the relationship?

BertrandRussell · 07/10/2019 14:23

Don’t forget contraception, OP.

Rachelover60 · 07/10/2019 14:24

I think it is all a bit much, frankly. Your partner would be better back in his flat, if he hasn't sold it yet he can move back. You're too young to be accommodating teenage children as well as looking after your own, your partner must realise that.

The pair of you would probably be happier living apart but seeing a lot of each other.

Lilymossflower · 07/10/2019 14:24

Yep he needs to move out.

Move

Him

Out

Bouffalant · 07/10/2019 14:26

This is ridiculous. He needs to move back out and provide somewhere practical for her to stay.

She's 15, not a toddler that needs to share a bed with her Dad when she's scared at night. It sounds like she's jealous, and it all happened too quickly without it all being thought through.

OrangeSlices998 · 07/10/2019 14:27

Why did you move him in, what was the rush? Why wasn’t where his children would sleep discussed before he moved in? And why move him in if he isn’t that affectionate to your son?

If you love him and want to make it work then I think him moving out might be a better idea. Then there are clear boundaries for you and his children. Or just cut your losses, life is too short.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/10/2019 14:27

no i offered her to have our bedroom, and we sleep in the room with my 4 yr old

She needs a permanent room of her own. Not this.

Longlongsummer · 07/10/2019 14:30

Crikey I do think he shouldn’t have moved in. Your young family is not compatible to his family dynamics and I do think it’s not good for your kids to be exposed to this tense environment.

I really would get him to move out. You can still be in a relationship.

FizzyIce · 07/10/2019 14:30

Ask him to move out.
You deserve better and so does your son

regmover · 07/10/2019 14:30

He. Needs. To. Leave.

Original poster

oceanstarising · 07/10/2019 14:31

she didnt have her own room in his flat he had a lodger and they both slept in the living room..

OP posts:

Chickychoccyegg · 07/10/2019 14:31

definitely at the very least he needs to move out, its not working and 15 year old dd wanting to sleep in with her dad wtf, that totally needs adressed.
Id also be rethinking the relationship if i were you, but of course thats up to you, i also think its skeazy to be with someone so close in age to your dc.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/10/2019 14:31

Poor girl.

dontgobaconmyheart · 07/10/2019 14:31

What are the benefits of being with him OP? . Obvioulsy his DD is struggling with her own issues and that is unfortunate but- she has parents who should be helping her deal with the adjustment. There is being accommodating to someones needs and then there is giving up your bed in your own house, which is not appropriate, nor is her sharing a bed with her dad.

If you are not careful the needs of your young DS are going to be met less and less while you spend every weekend arguing over the issue of a child that is not yours, with a man who isn't doing anything either to solve that, nor shows any interest in the poor boy.

Claim your own house back OP, for the sake of you and your DS- I really would get him to leave; the arrangement isn't working and nothing you do will appease his DD as her issues are much deeper than giving up a bedroom will solve, unfortunately.

Chickychoccyegg · 07/10/2019 14:32

the teenage dc not having a bedroom is not op's problem or responsibility, their dad moved into flats totally inappropriate for his dc needs.

Drabarni · 07/10/2019 14:33

How can you move someone in who creates so much trouble when you have a child.
Isn't your child worth more than this, if you think you aren't.
He's in his 40's you are in your 20's, the gap does seem o make a difference here.
If you were thinking long term, hopefully you were given you have a child, then you could be his carer when you are hitting your prime.

recrudescence · 07/10/2019 14:33

Hand on heart, OP, do you really think you can make this work? Do you even want to?

Tableclothing · 07/10/2019 14:33

Some of the comments on here about teenage step daughters sound pretty unkind. At 15 this girl is only just exploring her own sexuality, but is also having to deal with her dad's attraction to someone not very much older than her. (Am I the only one who, as a teenager, coped with the idea of my parents having sex by telling myself they only did it once per child and didn't enjoy it?)

Her dad should be making sure that where he lives has a bedroom for each of his children. It ought to be their home too. I say that NOT to blame OP, but because the bloke shouldn't have moved into OP's place in the first place (because it is too small to accommodate his children).

From the point of view of a teenager whose parent has met someone else, knowing them for a year isn't that long.

Blended families can be really hard, and this bloke sounds like he's got his priorities wrong.

Sirzy · 07/10/2019 14:34

the teenage dc not having a bedroom is not op's problem or responsibility*

Of course it is. They are both adults who should have gone into it with eyes open and both properly considered the practicalities.

Sounds like they have jumped in because it’s what they want without considering the needs of the children

FooFighter99 · 07/10/2019 14:36

So he isn't warm to your DS, the same way you aren't "warm" to his DC....

Cut your losses OP, this will only get worse as she gets older!

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