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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partners teenage daughter

161 replies

oceanstarising · 07/10/2019 13:27

So my partner has recently given up his flat to live with me, I am 25 with a 4 year old and he is 41 with 2 teenagers 18 boy and 15 girl, they both are challenging in their own way mainly daughter is very needy. he sees them every weekend and his daughter usually stays sat night and all day sunday, there is always agruements that she wants to sleep in the same room/ doesnt want me to share a bed with her dad while she is here, or she wants the time without me there. I am finding it really hard to share space with her and I try and make plans to be out all day, but a few times she hasnt come and he has been so upset, and says i dont care and im not being supportive. every weekend we argue about her for some reason or other, im so sick of it like i am being blamed for them not seeing eachother, but yes i cant really cope with her forcing me out of the bedroom because of her 'needs' and insecurities, not knowing if shes going to come or not and that effecting my plans if i will see my partner on his day off work.. also he is not very affectionate to my boy, who has no contact with his dad, and i often feel like i want someone who is more available to be a family with, I am only 25 and having someone whos had a family already feels quite heavy..

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 07/10/2019 14:37

she didnt have her own room in his flat he had a lodger and they both slept in the living room.

That's also inappropriate. OP, have you ever talked much with the kids' mum? (Just out of curiosity)

The more you say, the more this bloke sounds like a loser.

Minioooons · 07/10/2019 14:38

you sound incredibly immature with bad choices. you have a young child, moved in with a much older man and almost as young as his children and he doesnt like your child. Its clear that you have poor judgement.

AutumnCrow · 07/10/2019 14:38

God that poor girl.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/10/2019 14:39

It's your flat - not his.

Your rules apply - not his.

You've tried to meet him half-way - more than half-way, and you get nowhere. He blames you for not making the effort with his DD, but he won't make the effort with your DS.

Tell him to jog on. You can do better.

DaveTheGhost · 07/10/2019 14:40

They need their OWN room. But leave OP, this relationship isn’t going to work

Reallynowdear · 07/10/2019 14:44

You are far too young to be dealing with this crap.

Your Dp has behaved terribly by not providing his children with somewhere to sleep when they are in his care.

She is only a child and your poor son shouldn't be exposed to all this tension.

Wetnappies · 07/10/2019 14:44

What attracted you to him OP? This doesn't sound like a good situation at all.

From his previous housing situation it sounds like he doesn't have much money at all? Which isn't a bad thing necessary but If you want to end things don't let his financial situation stop you or make you feel guilty. You and DS come first.

1forAll74 · 07/10/2019 14:45

You must see this situation is not right at all, and everyone at your place,is not going to be happy at all.

I am surprised that a 41 year old man, would put you in this situation,unless you readily agreed to it for some reason.

If this situation with his 15 year old daughter continues, you and your partner should try and talk to her about everything concerning sleep arrangements etc.It's your home,and it's all upsetting for you and your young son.

Wetnappies · 07/10/2019 14:45

Necessarily!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/10/2019 14:45

Why would you choose to make a family unit with a man who doesn't even provide the basics to the kids he has? Nothing could make me less attracted to a man.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 07/10/2019 14:46

How do you feel about the replies that you are getting?

MumofSilver · 07/10/2019 14:47

OK, big issues here.

His daughter needs to see her Dad, but you should not be removed from your own home/room for him to do so. There is a balance. They can go to the cinema, out for dinner, ice cream shopping - not all the time, but some Father/daughter time that makes her feel special. When she comes to YOUR HOME she lives and stays on both of your rules and that means you share a bed and she sleeps elsewhere in the flat.

He sounds torn and scared she will refuse to see him anymore, but he has got to grow a back bone with her. Set some boundaries and enforce them. 'You can stay over, but we sleep in our own room' If you don't like it, I will drive you home after dinner.' THEN DO IT!! Even if there is a small kick off, drive the madam home, several times.
If she refuses to see him - he should keep up the contact via text, calls, suggest plans and just be patient.

It is tough - but parenting is.

I have to be honest, it does sound all very difficult and I am questioning whether moving in was done in a rush? You know there is nothing wrong with taking a couple of steps back to allow you all to move forward.....just have a think on it.

Hesafriendfromwork · 07/10/2019 14:48

Does you son have his room?

Not sure if I have misunderstood, but does your 4 year old sleep on a bedroom with you and your dp?

AutumnCrow · 07/10/2019 14:55

drive the madam home, several times

She's a child, not a 'madam'

Xenia · 07/10/2019 15:01

Not an ideal situation. May be find a man of 25 not one old enough to be your father. A spposed advantage of a man in his 40s tends to be he is much better off but it sounds like you don't even have that!

Rachelle11 · 07/10/2019 15:02

So she went from sleeping with him in the living room at his flat, to sleeping on a sofa in yours? And where does the 18 yo stay? This all sounds sad and grim.

TheQueef · 07/10/2019 15:02

Drive the madam home she's already at home the one her father provides.

Topseyt · 07/10/2019 15:05

This certainly hasn't been properly thought through. You are closer in age to his daughter than you are to him and I would bet that she is struggling with that idea. It might well be why she is putting herself between you and trying to dictate where YOU sleep in YOUR home. Don't let her dictate. Your home, your rules

However, there are many reasons why I think this arrangement cannot work. Space available is an obvious one - basically, you have moved a middle aged man into your home without giving any serious consideration as to space and sleeping arrangements for his teenage children who visit every weekend. You clearly don't have the space for this on such a regular basis.

The other reason is your partner's apparent inability to enforce boundaries with his daughter, thereby letting her trample all over you.

Also, a 15 year old wanting to sleep in the same bed as her Dad is not on really. She isn't a baby or toddler needing soothed during the night.

You also have your own little boy to think of here too. You are already talking of people piling into his room to sleep. This is not ideal on a regular basis either.

Your partner sounds wishy washy. He needs to move out and have his own place again.

It will not work. That is already clear.

Tableclothing · 07/10/2019 15:05

When she comes to YOUR HOME she lives and stays on both of your rules

On her time with her dad it is her home too. Trouble is, the home itself is not suitable for 2 adults and 3 children. He/they needs to find alternative accommodation, if OP wants to stay with him long term.

You can stay over, but we sleep in our own room' If you don't like it, I will drive you home after dinner.'

You might want to check with the girl's mum that it is OK to do this. And bear in mind the impact on the girl when her own father literally drives her away from his new family. It's quite likely the girl would react by not going to see her dad at all. I suspect this would more damaging for her than for him.

breakfastpizza · 07/10/2019 15:07

How would you have felt at 15 if your dad shacked up with a woman nearly half his age and didn't even provide a bedroom for you? She probably feels very unwelcome and uncomfortable. Not surprised she's acting out.

The difference is, she's a child and she can't do anything about it, while you're an adult and can end this.

RiddleyW · 07/10/2019 15:09

Problems with his daughter are irrelevant - why on earth would you move in with someone who isn't very nice to your 4 year old? I really think you need to split.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2019 15:09

This is a seriously messed up set up. You should be thinking of your son and moving your partner and his children back out.

YDraig · 07/10/2019 15:14

Honestly op it sounds like you’re trying to make a family unit for your son and have gone for the first bloke showing signs of wanting a “family”.
End this and focus on your son, I know it’s hard being a lone mum particularly a young mum (I say this as a 19yr old with a 2yo) but you’re making very unhealthy choices right now, for everyone.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 15:14

Well, this is just a mess, isn’t it? No wonder she feels hostile and insecure. He isn’t a great parent, and now you and your child are playing host to his family.

TheQueef · 07/10/2019 15:17

The age gap is important here because of the life stage you are at, young, energetic and inexperienced.

You've accidentally taken in someone's cast off.
I bet his DC mother has had him for years, tried it all and finally fucked him off.
Sounds like he was skint enough to risk a lodger with his teenage daughter and son so I bet your flat, age, naivete and someone to share bills with was irresistible to the twat.