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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partners teenage daughter

161 replies

oceanstarising · 07/10/2019 13:27

So my partner has recently given up his flat to live with me, I am 25 with a 4 year old and he is 41 with 2 teenagers 18 boy and 15 girl, they both are challenging in their own way mainly daughter is very needy. he sees them every weekend and his daughter usually stays sat night and all day sunday, there is always agruements that she wants to sleep in the same room/ doesnt want me to share a bed with her dad while she is here, or she wants the time without me there. I am finding it really hard to share space with her and I try and make plans to be out all day, but a few times she hasnt come and he has been so upset, and says i dont care and im not being supportive. every weekend we argue about her for some reason or other, im so sick of it like i am being blamed for them not seeing eachother, but yes i cant really cope with her forcing me out of the bedroom because of her 'needs' and insecurities, not knowing if shes going to come or not and that effecting my plans if i will see my partner on his day off work.. also he is not very affectionate to my boy, who has no contact with his dad, and i often feel like i want someone who is more available to be a family with, I am only 25 and having someone whos had a family already feels quite heavy..

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 07/10/2019 13:57

he is not very affectionate to my boy

Game over

Original poster
oceanstarising · 07/10/2019 13:58

been with him 2 years, been away camping twice with him and his daughter known her for at least a year and a bit

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 07/10/2019 13:59

Whose idea was it for him to move into your flat? What’s he paying?

underground76 · 07/10/2019 14:01

I'm afraid I have to agree with PPs: I don't think this arrangement is going to work.

This is a middle-aged man who has moved in with a woman barely more than half his age, which has pissed off his teenage daughter, who expresses this by behaving like a bratty toddler and pretending to be a baby who needs to share a room with daddy. He is too inept to deal with her bullshit, feels guilty for leaving his family, and takes out his own massive insecurities on you even though literally none of this is your fault, while making no effort with your own child and expecting you always to put his teenagers before your own four-year-old.

Your partner is an arsehole and you don't deserve to be treated like this.

TooTrueToBeGood · 07/10/2019 14:01

So my partner has recently given up his flat to live with me

I wonder whose idea that was and if he is paying half of all the bills.

Actually, who cares. None of this is working for you. His daughter is trying to muscle you out in your own home and he let's her, he doesn't care for your son and you are miserable. Fuck him off and don't look back.

Aprillygirl · 07/10/2019 14:02

There's needy and then there's this girl. I get that it must be hard to accept that her dad is with someone who could be a sister to her rather than a mother age wise, but her insisting on sharing a bedroom with her dad is just not normal, and neither is your partner encouraging it. Worse still is him blaming you for not being supportive of this madness. End it now OP.

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2019 14:03

Why did you move in together when there’s such a turbulent background? Surely the sensible option would’ve been to stay living separately for longer?

Booboostwo · 07/10/2019 14:04

Why did you decide to move in together when you are having such serious problems co-parenting? He doesn't get on with your DS, you don't get on with his DD, this was doomed from the start.

AutumnCrow · 07/10/2019 14:04

Where does she sleep when at your place, OP?

Helmetbymidnight · 07/10/2019 14:04

oh op, it sounds grim. you can change your mind, you know.
this isnt going to work...

Gruzinkerbell1 · 07/10/2019 14:07

You’re 25 years old, why on earth have you signed up to this? Take a good hard look at your life and the direction it’s hurtling towards and tell your OH to move out. It’s honestly not worth the shit.

BertrandRussell · 07/10/2019 14:08

OP. I am old enough to be your mum. If you were my daughter I would be saying please don’t have a baby with this man. Double, triple contraception.
Fingers crossed you’re not pregnant already.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 07/10/2019 14:09

He needs to move backout.Thisis not going to work so end it now

This ^^
Why did he move out of his home? Why did you allow him to move in with you? He shows no consideration for your dc and you have no idea how to be step parent to his teen children. Total madness!

Itsreallymehonest · 07/10/2019 14:11

It sounds as though you have an additional 3 children to cope with. Go back to being just you and your own little boy.

DriftingLeaves · 07/10/2019 14:12

Hang on - it's your place. His DD doesn't get to dictate anything. You sleep where you want and if she doesn't like it she can stay with her mother.

Don't let her have any control over your home at all. Cheeky minx.

Tell your DP to sort her out or take her elsewhere when she visits.

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2019 14:13

FFS. I just reread. The OP.

Why would you move in with someone who isn’t kind to your son? You’re all he has!

Be a proper parent and get rid and start making better choices.

Helmetbymidnight · 07/10/2019 14:14

the dd is not the problem here.

what happened to the art of reading between the lines?

AryaStarkWolf · 07/10/2019 14:14

If things were that strained during visitation he should have never moved from his own place.

Original poster
oceanstarising · 07/10/2019 14:15

she sleeps on the sofa, her choice she says its comfy, i offered her to have our room as there is another bed in the room my son sleeps in, but she wants to either share our bed with her dad or sleep on the sofa and her dad sleep on his own just in case she gets scared at night... so he is obviously nice to my son just not that warm and affectionate like he is to his own kids, and i thought this might develop but it hasnt as he is tired a lot working a new job, and he spends hardly any time with him doing anything..

OP posts:
inwood · 07/10/2019 14:16

I feel really sorry for his DD, sounds like she's trying to exert control over a frankly odd situation in the only way she can. To be honest it sounds like a Jeremy Kyle scenario.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/10/2019 14:17

A proper bedroom for each of his children should have been discussed well in advance of him moving in. It's absolutely unacceptable for his children not to have a bedroom at their dad's home where they stay ever weekend.

Sirzy · 07/10/2019 14:18

So the options for her are share a room with a 4 year old or the sofa?

If a 15 year old is getting that scared at night then their are obviously much bigger issues going on.

Sounds like you both need to walk away and focus on helping your own children.

Branleuse · 07/10/2019 14:18

i think you have to accept that this isnt going to work, and tell him he needs to try and get his old flat back.

sandragreen · 07/10/2019 14:19

Agree with PP - he needs to leave.

Juells · 07/10/2019 14:21

You're being made to feel an intruder in your own flat.

I'd ask him to move out. Life is too short to have to deal with that kind of stress in your own home. A (male) friend had a similar situation with a partner who had a 22-year-old daughter who lived at home, she made his life hell. He stuck it for several years, but finally accepted that his whole life was dominated by the need to not upset her in any way, and broke it off and moved out (he and partner were renting a house together, he was the main breadwinner, the daughter was unemployed and living at home).

The OP's SD really is on a power trip. She may be unhappy, but she's unleashing that happiness on the OP :( Why be a punchbag for a child that isn't yours?