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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

427 replies

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 11:37

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 14:19

long im not saying its the same love you have for your dh, or your own children, but there is usually something there. I have seen it described as how you would love a nephew or niece.

I love DSS, no not the same as DS but I do care about him.

I agree, its hard to love someone who does not love you and I can totally understand that and I think I would feel the same as you did if the relationship between me and DSS was like that.

womenspeakout · 07/10/2019 14:20

I don't think you're unreasonable to not want to be n the same room all the time. I'm a reader and an introvert, I like time on my own, there's nothing wrong with that.

What I think there is something wrong with is you not wanting to be a third parent to them, because you are. They are your children now too.

SunMoonRainShine · 07/10/2019 14:21

@Longlongsummer

OP said up thread that she loves them

Longlongsummer · 07/10/2019 14:22

@aintnothinbutagstring I totally agree a lot of men really do being in their GF and coax them into the parental role that THEY should be doing. You see it all the time!

I myself did this, my DH accused me of not bonding or loving his kids enough because I was reluctant to parent them, and I then thought that I really should parent them or be accused of being an Evil SM. Looking back I just did the awful stereotypical role of DH feeling that he was full time Dad, how great he was etc, when in reality I looked after the sick step kids, I cooked, I cleaned.

I now think that this is an awful dynamic. I can guarantee if Op did this, tuck them in at night, be their extra mum, their mother would feel (probably understandably) encroached. Kids feel resentful and confused. Why is Dad not wanting to do it so much? Mum feels resentful. Why isnGF wanting to be Mum?

Trust your instincts OP. Don’t be me! Didn’t end well.

Ozziewozzie · 07/10/2019 14:22

YABU
The fact that your dp was quite happy to cancel his plans to look after his own children is credit to him.
I’m no longer with my dh but despite any issues we have, he never ever has a problem with dropping things for the children.
I think as you’re in a relationship with a chap to has children 50% of the time, you’d expect to be involved. You do have the other 50 % to yourselves to be fair. If it is to be a committed relationship, I’d be showing support where needed. If your dp was slumming it on the sofa, and telling you to do the kids, I’d agree with you. I think your dp is just wanting reassurance that you’re committed to him and by that he means he and his children.
Flexibility works both ways. Maybe next month, when you’re due to have the kids, you may need to ask their mum to step in for example so you can do whatever, ie Christmas party.

Longlongsummer · 07/10/2019 14:22

Being = bring

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/10/2019 14:23

OP, it feels like you are avoiding questions about the financial set-up. If his kids are with you 50/50, who is paying for food/clothing/activities? Who earns what? I know these questions seem specific but they are pertinent.

I don't know how this is in any way relevant to the OP's situation and it's just plain nosy. It's no one's business what they each earn, and even if she earns less than her husband it does not make her in any way more responsible for parenting HIS kids! I'm not surprised she's ignoring questions like that. Sometimes comments on here really flabbergast me.

What I think there is something wrong with is you not wanting to be a third parent to them, because you are. They are your children now too.

And as for this - no, they are not her children.

Longlongsummer · 07/10/2019 14:24

What I think there is something wrong with is you not wanting to be a third parent to them, because you are. They are your children now too

No they aren’t her children! Would you honestly be feeling this is you split up and exes GF suddenly said your kids were hers?

I think many posters here have no life experience of step families.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 14:25

They are your children now too

Hmm this is another thing I suspect I'd have been called out on massively if I came on here and said.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 14:25

Hmm this is another thing I suspect I'd have been called out on massively if I came on here and said

yep, you would. Without a shadow of a doubt.

You cannot win as a step mum.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 14:26

I’d be showing support where needed

Did you read any of my posts? I've said multiple times how much I help out when needed.

OP posts:
Longlongsummer · 07/10/2019 14:27

OP I think you have to be careful about asking questions like this on mumsnet.

Many posters don’t have any idea or experience and it’s one of those very tricky issues that really does call for direct experience and maturity.

I’d say ask on the step parenting forum but there are some real SM basher on there! But some good advice in between from actual SMs.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/10/2019 14:27

Great news OP - they're your children too now! I suggest you celebrate by taking them to get their hair cut, their ears pierced, and decide on their secondary school. Happy days Hmm

IdblowJonSnow · 07/10/2019 14:28

Yanbu. At all.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 14:30

I don't know how this is in any way relevant to the OP's situation and it's just plain nosy. It's no one's business what they each earn, and even if she earns less than her husband it does not make her in any way more responsible for parenting HIS kids!

I disagree. Like I said, if the DH was supporting the whole family, I would understand why he expected his partner to co-parent his children. As it is, it very much sounds like he is getting a brilliant deal out of the current arrangements, and it explains why he feels she should be a parent - because she has been acting like one.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 14:30

The fact that your dp was quite happy to cancel his plans to look after his own children is credit to him

It's not healthy to do it all the time though (in non emergencies/genuine stuck situations) in my opinion. I wouldn't even mind so much if it was a 'can you?' 'no sorry we have plans' 'no worries then' sort of conversation but it usually comes with a lot of guilt tripping which he eventually ends up giving in to.

OP posts:
Peanutbutterforever · 07/10/2019 14:39

YANBU OP and you KNOW that YANBU. I don't sit in the same room as my kids every moment of the day and they are my own.

Lweji · 07/10/2019 14:39

It's the equivalent of the non-resident parent cancelling visits at the last minute, isn't it?
It's unfair on the children and on the other parent. I put an end to such practices early on.
Last minute cancellations/change of plans should be for emergencies only. Not drinks with mates or whatever.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/10/2019 14:44

@seaweedandmarchingbands - she's not a paid nanny. The money is still irrelevant.

Vanhi · 07/10/2019 14:44

You mean that he wants to have his kids as often as possible (understandable) but still have someone to do the 'woman work'?

I think this is the most succinct version of what I was trying to formulate in my head. It sounds like he wants you to be their mum and that as far as he's concerned that means you do all the grunt work.

I also agree with you OP that if you'd come on here and said they were equally your children you would have been torn to shreds. I don't live with my OH so don't see myself as his DD's step mother. Even if I did live with them, I wouldn't see her as my child. I think she's great. I enjoy spending time with her. I enjoy the sense of family I get when the three of us are together. But I'd have to be quite deluded to see myself as being equal to her mother or father - I'm not.

HollowTalk · 07/10/2019 14:47

But most mums would grab the chance of reading in their room and leaving the kids downstairs with their dad - nobody would argue with them over that, would they? They are old enough to come up to get you if they need you.

I know my children would have wanted their dad to spend that time with them and would have appreciated a step mother who gave them space with him.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 14:50

chocolatesaltyballs22

It is not irrelevant. There would be no equitable reason for the OP’s DH to pay more than she does UNLESS she was taking on the work of the home, including any required childcare. He could pay for everything and she still wouldn’t be doing anything wrong by accepting, but if he did expect her pay her share in housework and childcare that would be perfectly fair. But he is expecting her to pay 50:50 AND do his share of cooking, laundry and housework. That is the issue here.

You are free to disagree but I am not being “nosy”. I was trying to understand the situation so I could more confidently comment on fairness.

RhiWrites · 07/10/2019 14:50

What an interesting thread. It sounds as though there are several issues in play.

  1. The kids mum frequently expects you to take the kids at short notice so she can do something else, probably fun (not an emergency)
  1. Your husband expects you to be thrilled at extra time with the kids instead of previously made plans.
  1. Your husband thinks you should be an equal partner in parenting to him.
  1. Your husband is ungrateful for the step-parenting you are doing and thinks it’s not enough.
  1. You don’t want to overstep and also don’t feel as connected to the kids as their bio parents.

Those issues are all overlapping. Personally I think it would be okay for you to feel more like a third parent than you do, and there’s be nothing wrong with you taking a turn at bedtimes even when your husband is there. (The same way kids sometimes want their Grandparents or Auntie to put them to bed, instead of a boring old parent.) I also think if you did have your own kids you’d feel more like a blended family together than man with kids and a spare adult.

But you’re not unnatural or weird for wanting some alone time. And it sounds as though you do plenty that isn’t being appreciated.

Can you and your husband talk some more about it? About what he feels is lacking, about you feeling taken for granted, about plans frequently changing and him expecting you to fall in line? These issues could do with more discussion. Both of you sound aggrieved right now and that can’t be good for the relationship.

Dramaofallama · 07/10/2019 14:55

I don't think yabu. To me it sounds like he is trying to shift some of his responsibility onto you and manipulate you in the process by making you feel like an evil step mum if you refuse.
Unfortunately in this situation you will never win, you will either be to distant from them or to encroaching on them.

MzHz · 07/10/2019 14:59

It’s his job to parent his kids, she supports him, but if she’s contributing a fair share financially then the house work etc should be more evenly split.