DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

[PleasedToMeetYouSir]

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

FrangipaniBlue

You really can't see any reason to go upstairs to read rather than do it in the same room as people watching TV? You must have superpowers for tuning things out because I cannot concentrate on reading if there are people talking/tv or both going on in the same room. It's perfectly normal and common to go into a quiet room to read.

you've graciously accepted your plans being cancelled

Well I wouldn't say I graciously accepted it... we did argue (before we picked DC up) and he knew I was pissed off about it but yes we did move on and having a normal nice evening with the kids after that.

YANBU at all. I want to read in book in my room sometimes to get away from DD’s cartoons and she’s younger than your step-children. Your DH should be doing bedtime. Does he not want to spend that time with them considering he’s a non resident parent? He’s being VU.

I wonder just how much of what you do with reference to DC is visible to your DH, how much he sees it, and how much he takes it for granted as opposed to appreciating it.

It sounds like you do a hell of a lot actually. For him and for his children. Rather than having a go at you for not being surgically attached to his children, and him actually having to do some of the parenting of his children, it sounds to me like he should be appreciative of all you do, how much you facilitate and enable his relationship with his children also - in particular giving them space to enjoy their contact time with their father, without you constantly around.

You sound like you like them, enjoy their company, do for them as needed, but expect their Dad to be the parent, and you the support role. Which seems about right to me. (Incidentally, non step parent here, and yes, quite often will go and have a lie down or read a book while Dad is with the kids and vice versa. Everyone needs some time to themselves and some peace and quiet and ten year olds don't need constant stimulation and supervision).

Maybe you need to have a bit of a conversation about that?

He is the birth parent, he is the person with the fundamental parenting rights and responsibilities to his children. I'm sure it would be lovely if he could palm a few more of those off onto the little woman, but it really shouldn't be enabled.

And just as when it's a non 'step' situation, there needs to be a balance. It's no good focusing solely on the relationship with the children, and the children's welfare, to the detriment of the relationship between the adults. You have to balance the wants and needs.

If there was no (extremely) good reason for the mother to unexpectedly request your DH to have the children in her time, if it was just that she'd made plans and not sorted out childcare or it had fallen through, then it's for her to have to cancel her plans. Would she be as amenable to taking the children when it wasn't her time if the position were reversed?

There's only one set of people whose place is even more firmly ensconced in the wrong than mothers, as far as I can tell. And that's stepmothers!

It seems to me that what he wants is for you to take over all or most parenting.

How much does he actually do?

The interesting question is why he wants to hand over bedtimes to you. I assume he doesn't have much time with his kids, yet he apparently wants to hand them over to someone else for what is usually rather a nice opportunity for some quality 1:1 time. He might argue that it's the role of a parent and therefore you as their third parent should want to do this, but the bigger issue is why he doesn't want to grab every chance to be with them during the limited time they are at your house.

What do the children think you are to them?

I think you have a rather narrow definition of a step parent as someone who is married to a parent but does, out of choice, only a limited number of parenting tasks. This is odd since you are all now a family. It's also interesting that you only mention practical tasks, when parenting is also a lot about emotional connections. Can the children come to you if they are having a problem or is that something only their parents should deal with?

It does sound like a very odd setup and it's weird that you didn't discuss any of this with your DH before you married him.

He might argue that it's the role of a parent and therefore you as their third parent should want to do this

This is exactly the implication. If I cared, I'd want to do stuff like bed times etc...

They are with us 50/50.

Maybe it just needs a more detailed conversation with DH?

It could be that he's misunderstanding your decision not to get involved with bedtimes etc. Maybe explain to him that it's probably good for the kids to have some special time with him by himself. And that while you love them very much, you don't think it's best to try and perform a 'mum' role as they have two parents already, so it's best to keep your relationship supportive and fun. As they get older hopefully your role could be an important one, maybe they will come to you for advice etc because your relationship is slightly different to that of a parent. That's what I hope for my SD.

Perhaps you could also explain that they don't need both of you there all the time, that as you share 50:50 this is actually their home and it should be like a normal day. If anyone wants to go read for a bit they should, children included! It's probably a better idea if everyone feels relaxed and able to do their own thing. That's what would happen if you had them full time, surely?

I do think your upset about cancelling plans could have come across badly and I can see why DH would take it to mean you don't want the kids around. To be honest, I would be careful with issues like this in future as DH probably sees it as an opportunity to see his kids more, and is excited about that. So in future I would probably grin and bear small annoyances with cancelled plans as these things happen with kids.

You know I think it’s okay not to want your step children there sometimes. They won’t want you around all the time either as you are not their Mum. Their primary relationship is with each other, their mum and Dad. Their mum needs to stop changing things last minute. Do you think the kids don’t know that they are coming and changing your plans? Of course they will they are not stupid. So unfair on the kids and that is on their Mum. She needs to grow up.

I think it’s so silly and immature when either parent starts mucking around and expecting both step kids and step mum to ignore the totally obvious. There is not a natural family relationship there. It is damaging to both you and his kids to expect you to act like the Waltons.

I as a SM and my step kids would have hated me being in their face all the time. They can’t articulate it but of course they want their Dad most of the time. They want their Dad to put them to bed and their Dad to hang out and look after them.

Having said that, no relationship between you will grow if you never see them. Do something small maybe? Always make their favourite dinner and give their favourite dessert? It just shows them you mean well. Giving them space also shows them you respect their relationship with their Dad.

YANBU. My XH's partner is perfectly nice, pleasant to the boys and helps them with homework, cooks, puts their clothing through the wash etc... but she doesn't "parent" them, like discipline, school run, activities etc... Suits her, suits me, boys are happy - if XH isn't well tough!

OP, it feels like you are avoiding questions about the financial set-up. If his kids are with you 50/50, who is paying for food/clothing/activities? Who earns what? I know these questions seem specific but they are pertinent.

I think you have a rather narrow definition of a step parent as someone who is married to a parent but does, out of choice, only a limited number of parenting tasks. This is odd since you are all now a family. It's also interesting that you only mention practical tasks, when parenting is also a lot about emotional connections. Can the children come to you if they are having a problem or is that something only their parents should deal with?

when you say "since you are all now a family" you make it sound so simple, when actually in most cases you don't just miraculously become a family when the register gets signed. Blended families can be really hard work, and the dynamic in each one is different.

Personally for me, DSS can come to me if he has a problem, and sometimes does. This is fine, because as "friendly adult" I feel that's part of my remit, however that does not mean that I now want to do all his washing and make sure he does his homework.

@SunMoonRainShine why should she love them very much? I doubt her step kids love her, and would find it quite overwhelming and confusing to have Dads GF suddenly love them when they hardly know each other!

Tricky one.
On the one hand, you married a man with children and therefore that comes with its responsibilities and difficulties - ie. meals out might have to be cancelled at short notice due to his ex needing him to have the children. So you shouldn't really be surprised or annoyed about this. They are his children and come first. Nor can you complain about having to do things like laundry, putting kids to bed, making packed lunches, getting them to school on time (which you haven't complained about to be fair) (but I also think he doesn't do enough around the home anyway.....)

On the other hand, I think he is being a bit of a dick. I don't see why children of that age needed parents constantly hovering over them. Surely they want some time on their own to play or do whatever else they want to do without a parent there. They have 50:50 contact so it's not like they are only with Dad one day a week.
I also think he sees a lot of these jobs as "wife work" as opposed to "parent work". He should be caring for his children and should not be leaving the bulk of the extra household chores arising from the children being there to you to do alone.

He's trying to guilt trip you and it's not nice. If you had your own children of that age there is no way you'd be supervising them 24/7 and sitting in the room with them all the time - they'd be getting on with other things by themselves.

I don't like the way he is treating to you. We've had this with my uncle and aunty for 30 something years. He has two (now adult) children from a previous marriage. It's a long story but basically he said similar things to her all the time while they were growing up and used to say "They are your children too". "You have two children" etc. whenever she wanted to discuss anything (especially the fact she wanted to have her own child with him).
You need to keep an eye on this situation - I don't like the sound of this. He shouldn't be treating you like this.

I don’t think many Mums of nearly 10 year olds would think there was anything wrong with doing their own thing while the kids were watching TV anyway.

Agreed. I’d have found it fucking weird and annoying if my parents step or otherwise we’re constantly by my side! It’s normal to do your own think sometimes.

It sounds like you do much more than a lot of stepmums.

I certainly don’t do my DSD’s packed lunches or school drop off! DH only has her half the time and wouldn’t want to palm off any of the parenting onto me anyway.

Can the children come to you if they are having a problem or is that something only their parents should deal with?

Yes absolutely.

To be honest, I think if I'd come on here and suggested I was essentially a full parent to my step kids I'd have been torn apart.

longlongsummer

she is his wife, and they have the kids 50/50 - she probably does love them!

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. As others have said I think your DH has an idea in his head that any time he is a parenting there should be a woman there with him "sharing" it with him and loving it. The reality is that parenting with someone else rarely works like that (whether step-parenting or biological parenting). He needs to get a grip, put his big boy pants on and get used to the fact that he isn't living in some 1950s suburban TV show.

What is the reason why the children's DM keeps asking you to have them last minute? If she has genuine family emergencies then unfortunately that's life (though like you I'd still be disappointed at missing dinner). If your DH agreed to cancel your meal out because she had dinner plans (or similar) then he is being completely unreasonable and I would be livid (with him, not her)

You definitely would have Op. and if you had dared say you were ‘their mother’ you would have been ripped apart!

Honestly most step kids are not going to have an easy time adjusting to a step parent. My step kids don’t care about me at all. And I was more of a mother to them than their own one was. For years! They are bonded and loyal to their parents and that is natural and fine. Respecting that is the number one thing.

OP, it feels like you are avoiding questions about the financial set-up. If his kids are with you 50/50, who is paying for food/clothing/activities?

We just pay for things 50/50 or thereabouts. Mortgage comes out if his wages, bills and food come out of mine for example.

So you shouldn't really be surprised or annoyed about this

I was annoyed because it's not the first time that it's happened (not the first time by a long stretch). Even on the rare occasion he has stuck with our plans he's spent the entire evening talking about how guilty he now feels for choosing whatever we are doing over seeing the kids.

Like I say, if it's an emergency no problem I understand but these are not emergencies.

I'm not a step-parent and I don't think YABU at all, I don't want to spend every waking minute with my own children let alone if it was someone else's. Perhaps he does want you to be that second mummy figure, I think that's why some men do remarry is to have that extra pair of hands to help with children/housework/general 'womens work'. You do what you want to do, first and foremost you're his wife, not a stand-in mum, it's important to retain your sense of self and identity in a relationship.

@holidayhelpppp to be honest I really think most step parents don’t have a deep love for their step children and vice versa. That is normal and I think it is very healthy for that to be acknowledged. Even 50/50 that is probably the case for most SMs. I had step kids full time and I did not love them. I wanted to, but they didn’t want to love me so it would have been pretty rough for them tbh if I had made it very clear that I loved them.

And he pays no maintenance. So you are paying 50:50 for his kids, you are cooking for them, you are doing their washing, you are making their lunches, and he wants you to put them to bed and stay in the room with them whenever they are there?

Wow.

I hope he’s good in bed.