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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

427 replies

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 11:37

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

OP posts:
StroppyWoman · 07/10/2019 14:59

YANBU and your DH is being an arse.

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/10/2019 15:11

Personally I think it would be okay for you to feel more like a third parent than you do, and there’s be nothing wrong with you taking a turn at bedtimes even when your husband is there

yes, if op actually wanted to do that, but she doesn't.

Vanhi · 07/10/2019 15:19

Funnily enough, "AIBU to ask DCs step mum to back off" is trending at the moment.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 15:21

I've just been reading that!

I don't volunteer for the PTA fwiw Grin

OP posts:
Vanhi · 07/10/2019 15:29

Fun fact OP: it's easier to tightrope walk on cheese wire than to be a step mother Grin

diddl · 07/10/2019 15:35

How convenient that being "more involved" would mean, I'm thinking-you doing more & him doing less.

So what does that say about him?

He only has his kids part time, but still doesn't want to do everything for them?

(Bearing in mind that he already doesn't do cooking/washing up/laundry...)

Did his ex know that you had plans to go out?

pallisers · 07/10/2019 15:36

As others have said I think your DH has an idea in his head that any time he is a parenting there should be a woman there with him "sharing" it with him and loving it.

This sums it up for me. I think he has been desperately unfair to call you out on what you don't do. He should be saying thanks for being such a nice stepmother and taking care of his children - not demanding you stay in the room with them all the time.

Also, surely the children would want some time alone with their dad? It would be very unfair of the OP if she stuck to them 24/7 - and she would be ripped apart for it on MN.

I think your dh doesn't like the feeling of being the one ultimately responsible for his children and wants you to take this on board with him. He is being unreasonable and unfair to everyone.

Lockshunkugel · 07/10/2019 15:37

Op,YANBU at all.

He is telling you, by his actions, that your time alone as a couple is less important than his ex’s social life. Stop doing so much housework and other stuff because it clearly isn’t appreciated by your DH. Tell him that he needs to start doing more for HIS children and make plans to go out by with your friends during the next contact time. You deserve a break from the drudge work of being a stepmother.

OooErMissus · 07/10/2019 15:40

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, PleasedToMeetYouSir

Which is precisely why I'd never, in a million years, get involved with a man with kids.

Just no - I'm not cut out for it (I completely own it), and it's not worth it.

Having to sit down in the TV room with them while I read, instead of lovely peace and quite in my own room? No thank you.

But - here you are. So what are you going to do?

phoenixrosehere · 07/10/2019 15:42

I’m curious, does their mum have a partner as well? Is there a stepfather?

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 15:43

I’m curious, does their mum have a partner as well? Is there a stepfather?

She does but they don't live together.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 07/10/2019 16:05

Having to sit down in the TV room with them while I read, instead of lovely peace and quite in my own room? No thank you.

I’m certainly not expected to do that by my DH.

phoenixrosehere · 07/10/2019 16:07

If they do something wrong who punishes them?

Are you expected to or is that your dh and his ex’s decision?

monkeymonkey2010 · 07/10/2019 16:13

We just pay for things 50/50 or thereabouts. Mortgage comes out if his wages, bills and food come out of mine for example
He's doing a number on you isn't he?

Do you both have exactly the same income?
Cos otherwise 50/50 is unfair on the lower earner who is left with less 'personal' money after paying living costs.

He pays the mortgage - a static amount each month.
You are lumped with the costs of utilities and food - bills which are NOT static amounts as they are subject to change....price increases, usage at peak/off peak times,food bill is also dependent on the needs of growing DC and family parties etc.
How much is your monthly mortgage?
How much is the total that you pay for food/bills each month?

He's got you doing the majority of the house/wifework because you work 'fewer' hours - so apparently it's 'only fair' that YOU 'balance' out the difference in hours/income.
So despite you 'evening it out' you are still expected to pay 50/50 towards not just your joint costs as a couple, but also towards HIS dc costs....so basically you are 'paying' twice over - once cos you 'have' to and then again because you 'should'.

Now that he's got you conditioned to believe the above setup is acceptable, he's working on you taking on even more of his parental responsibilities - because you 'should'.

He's not interested in spending time alone with you and he doesn't want you having any time on your own either.

He doesn't view you as person in your own right does he?
He definitely isn't treating you with respect.

HotSauceCommittee · 07/10/2019 16:15

Are you going to sit down for a calm but firm talk with your DH, OP? Tell him to back of and that he needs to appreciate all that you do for the children? Because it’s all very well on here, YANBU, but you need to make HIM see that now, and not us.
Please talk to him and stick up for yourself.

Phuquocdreams · 07/10/2019 16:19

God, he’s really got it all his own way, doesn’t he? 50/50 on the finances (so you’re supporting his children financially despite being the lower earner), 95% of housework, and yet it’s still not enough?! I wouldn’t be standing for this. He’s getting a v good deal and he’s not being sufficiently appreciative at all.

Phuquocdreams · 07/10/2019 16:20

Also I hope your name is on the title deeds of the house, even if he is paying the mortgage?

funinthesun19 · 07/10/2019 16:21

He’s their parent he can bloody do it.

Mephisto · 07/10/2019 16:24

Yes funny how he’s paying the mortgage while OP pays for bills and food. Whose idea was that?

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 16:25

So the finances are a bit more complicated than my simple explanation before but it does work out at us paying around 50/50. If bills change or we need anything extra shopwise per month he does send me money for bills/food too.

I don't mind 'paying for his DC' in the sense that I'm not going to separate out the amount of food his DC eat and make him pay for that. I see us as a household and the kids are included in that.

I think the housework does need to change, you're right. Looks like I'm going to have to have a sit down and a proper chat about this.

I'm not the lower earner, we are both on pretty much the same at the moment (maybe even slightly in my favour right now) but his future potential earning is higher than mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 16:25

Yes name is on the deeds.

OP posts:
Mephisto · 07/10/2019 16:26

It’s not just food though is it? What happens when you go out? Does he pay for his kids tickets, meals etc?

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 16:27

Mephisto he usually pays for all of us when we go out to be fair. I'm not defending here, that's genuinely true.

OP posts:
Mephisto · 07/10/2019 16:28

Pleased to hear it!

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2019 16:32

Op. I suspect this isn't about you parenting the kids. As you have them fifty fifty I think he wants support, he wants to feel you're co parenting with him, and taking the pressure off him to do it all, entertainment, bed times, whatever.

I doubt very much it's he wants you to parent his kids for their sake.

He wants you to parent the kids for his. To reduce his mental load and to take the pressure off him. I'm guessing when he was with his ex she did most of it.