DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

[PleasedToMeetYouSir]

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

He’s working more hours but not financially supporting the OP. So he’s getting someone to cook and clean, including for his children, so he can progress his career, and from that the OP appears to be getting no benefit.

Is that the full picture, OP?

OP said upthread "He doesn't financially support me but I do work quite a few hours less than him."

Yes but I’m not sure what this means. Does this mean they pay 50/50 to bills/rent/mortgage? Or does DH pay more?

Good grief, does he think his ex spends 100% of her time with them when they are together, I would think that would be quite stifling for the children.

I used to sometimes go off to read on the bed when my children were that age, I've always done that from about the age your srep children are now, if not younger.

At nearly 10 they are of an age when they like a bit more independence. It sounds as if you have a nice relaxed relationship and friendship with them. They have a mother. It is not necessary for you to put them to bed, they probably appreciate you giving them some privacy.

YANBU. However your DH is imo.

Fair enough. I have no personal experience of being a step-mum. My older DB is my dad's step-son and he was treated exactly the same as I was.
I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't prepared to treat DS as his own.
Just my opinion.

Sigh. I'm well aware the kids come first.

I'm also committed to his children and of course knew he had them when he married them.

I guess I'm just annoyed because until he said this stuff I thought I was doing a pretty damn good job with them.

AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

If these are all the things you have an expectation of, then let this guy go and find someone with no children.

I find this bizarre. Do any parents seriously have an expectation that they will spend every waking minute in the same room as their children? If the children's father is with them, why does their mother or stepmother have to stay in the room?

As for enjoying time on your own without children, that's entirely healthy and good for any partnership or marriage, so long as it's only occasional - which obviously it is in this case.

haver there is treating the kids the same (good, and doable, totally normal) and then feeling the same about your step kids as you do your own kids (often doesn't happen, isn't a bad thing, shouldn't be expected anyway)

you are doing a good job pleased it is entirely your husbands issue, not yours.

Mephisto I wouldn't expect them to be paying 50/50 when the bills are going to be that much higher having 2 kids in the house 50% of the time.

And I cannot believe the women of this thread jumping on to say you aren't doing enough. She isn't their mother. They have a mother. And a father.

If you were a bloke living with a 50/50 parent (mother or father) you would be applauded for pitching in with washing and cooking, while also taking an appropriate stance on stepping back and letting them have bonding time.

This bollocks about you not doing enough, or not caring enough is solely down to the fact that your a woman. Therefore you should be instantly committed and raising his kids. I don't fucking think so. You sound great OP, but your DH is not coming off well here.

I don't have children so there's no one to treat differently any way.

PleasedToMeetYouSir - it does sound like you are doing a good job already. The difference is the unrealistic expectation your husband has of you raising his kids for him. Thats what is wrong with the scenario, not what you are doing for the children.

Also he needs to sort out the last minute 'emergencies' from the childrens mother. Why is she entitled to a social life, but you two aren't?

From what I've read, you've done nothing wrong in this situation at all.

I totally understand OP. I'm a SM and had the same arguement with DH because the contact weekends were constantly changing and I was expected to be present and involved so we or even I by myself literally couldn't plan anything. No nights out, time with friends, visits to my parents, seeing my DB. Literally nothing and I just found that unacceptable really because with DD she would just come with me but because DSS doesn't visit as much the whole visit had to be built around him - totally get that to some extent but I couldn't agree to never doing anything at a weekend ever! I was working FT at the time to. It doesn't mean I dont care for DSS but jeez we all need time to ourselves.

10yr olds dont need putting to bed. Of course you should all do things together but equally DH needs 1 on 1 time to with his children. It sounds like you do more than enough. I refused to be a 3rd parent and withdrew a little because it was causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. DSS would bring an issue, I would care and be invested in helping but nothing I said (as a professional in SS and qualified youth worker ) was ever actioned. I realised that DH and ex needed to be responsible for their child and I could be a supporter from the sidelines

I've seen a lot of marriage breakups in the last few years (I'm of that age) and I've witnessed most of those men very swiftly move on to another woman who is then expected to become a mother to his children, when those children already have a mother. He can then get on with his manly man things. Like not looking after his own children.

Yeah - exactly this! And when OP doesn't toe the line in accordance with his version of what she should be doing, she is the unreasonable one. What a load of bullshit.

@PleasedToMeetYouSir You sound like a brilliant stepmum to me. You clearly have a great relationship with your stepkids and do a lot for them.

Your DH is their dad and I would have thought that, given that his time with them is limited and precious, if a couple of 10-year-olds need 'putting to bed' then he would want to be the one to do it rather than expecting you to step in.

The thing about you needing to be in the room with them all the time while they're watching telly or gaming is just nonsense. There is no way on earth their mum is in the room with them all the time when they're at her house, so there's no reason why you should be. You need a bit of peace and quiet now and again and also, the kids need a bit of time to be kids together without adult supervision. Kids need private conversation too. They're not toddlers; they can be on their own together for a couple of hours.

I have always disappeared up stairs to read,go into the garden to have space from my own DD all her life.I don't think she ever really noticed and now she's a teen she disappears into her room and I don't mind that.
It is normal to take some time to yourself.
It does sound as if your DP wants you to take up the whole traditional mother's role whereas the only reason they are there is so that he can parent them.
So you are not being unreasonable,he is.

OP, you sound amazing. Your DP is 100% wrong and he should be delighted you do as much as you do. As NoEntry said, if you were a man doing all of this you would be seen as an angel, but because you are a woman you are evil for not being 100% available to serve your DH and his children.

My kids actually live with me full time and I'm not in the same bloody room as them 24/7! I have stuff to do and so do they!

It certainly doesn't require 2 parents to put kids to bed, especially when they get to around 10.

But you ARE 'some sort of third parent' and an 'actual parent' aren't you? Their step-mum?

I'm not an actual parent am I... I'm not their mother or father. I'm their step mother because I'm married to their Dad and I care about them a great deal but I'm not an 'actual parent'. I don't get to go to parents evenings or school plays, it's not me that takes them to the doctors or who they want a cuddle from after falling over at school.

I'm a step mother and I do my best at that which I think has paid off in the relationship I have with them but I don't class myself as an 'actual parent'.

Ugh. He's not the type of person that would then complain that if you stayed in the same room, but didn't sit and watch the exact programme, that you were 'being ignorant' is he?

If he is, fuck him off now and he can do all his part of the childcare.

Kids of that age often really enjoy being left to their own devices - I know that the opposite felt like being under constant scrutiny and I couldn't even sit the way I wanted to.

Time for him to start making his children's lunches and doing their washing, rather than having lined you up, forcing you into the role of Replacement Parent whilst he trots off merrily to entertain himself.

OP, if anyone should be upset, it should be you.

I'd be upset in your situation too - your DH drops his plans with you immediately because his selfish ex has made plans without considering childcare (also partly DH's fault for letting this happen) and the instead of being apologetic about cancelling dinner, tells you you're doing step-parenting all wrong and it's your fault.

From here it looks like classic gaslighting brought on by either guilt or expecting you to be doing his wifework.

His ex neglected to arrange childcare but made plans anyway, DH chose to say yes to his ex and take the kids, you've graciously accepted your plans being cancelled, yet you're in the wrong?

Two questions that came to my mind

• what would he be expecting you to do if your were a mum? Does he really expect that all mothers are spending every single minute with their dcs and wo never go upstairs and read?? I mean I do that and they are my biological children. So why does he think you should be, somehow, going way above what parents normally do??

• assuming that children never need BOTH parent there with them all the time, why does he want you there? For me it reads that either he suffering from the separated parent guilt and is expecting you to feel the same. Or he is expecting you to step into 'moum's role' so that he can step back into 'dad's role' with much less input.

fwiw at that age, he will need to step back and let them gain some independence too!

As for putting them into bed, has he asked his own dcs what they would be happy with? Because they might enjoy you reading them a story from time to time but they might well be very ressentful to have their step mum stepping in what is a special time with their dad. If his dcs are so importamt, i'm surprised he wants ot give that up (It was one of the nice bit of parenting where everything was finally quieter and relaxed and you could get nice 1-1 time with the dcs...)

If I were you, I would be tempted to go away for the next contact period and see how he finds doing everything that you do. Cheerfully mention on your way out that the laundry and food shopping needs doing.

I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't prepared to treat DS as his own.

It depends what you mean by treating a child "as his own". I don't spend 100% of my time with my children, so I don't see how grabbing the odd bit of peace and quiet whilst they're with their father constitutes not treating a child as your own.

As for putting them to bed: surely the point of contact visits is to allow the NRP to spend time with the children, not for them to fob the children off onto their partner. Fine to do this occasionally if the parent really can't take them to bed, but it shouldn't be the normal expectation.

He sounds like a controlling and covertly abusive arse OP.
Why did he marry you?
Was it so he could have a woman around to do all the 'womens work' and parenting for him like his ex did?

He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them
This is called gaslighting and manipulation.
He is also walking all over your personal autonomy.
HE has decided how HE wants things to be and he's going to make sure that happens one way or the other.
You won't do it off your own back so he's going to emotionally blackmail you into it.

I feel we can't make plans without them being changed, cancelled, argued about
He isn't prioritising any quality time with YOU.
He obviously doesn't feel or think that YOU or your marriage needs time alone together as a couple doing' couple' things.
You are there to dance to his tune - not be your own person with needs and desires.

We swap and change days regularly. It's only a problem on the rare occasions we've actually made plans and he won't say no, I can't sorry
You need boundaries.
He isn't interested in making time for you as a couple so it only happens rarely...and because contact is always chopping and changing so you 'naturally' get left til last.

It's the expectation that I should be doing it of my own accord because I want to because they are my children too and if I don't then I obviously don't care that much about them
Gaslighting and emotional manipulation again.
He expects you to take over the parenting from him, just like he's got you convinced that you 'have' to do the majority of housework just because you work fewer hours.....yet your income is used to provide for HIS kids.

He is conditioning and trying to mould you into his puppet -

He wants you doing all the housework created by him and his DC
He wants you to do HIS parenting (probably because he actually resents doing it himself)
He wants you to believe that you have no personal autonomy or right to do your own thing - both in the home or outside of it without his permission
His gaslighting, manipulation and controlling ways are designed to wear you down, make you doubt yourself and then fall in line with his demands....and he expects you to keep contributing financially to this piss take as well.

Is that the kind of guy he was before you married OP?
How long have yo been married by the way?