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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

427 replies

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 11:37

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

OP posts:
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 08/10/2019 08:34

It’s not healthy op and I agree with you. Ex used to (still does sometimes) try this and I had to point out that on his access time it is his responsibility to find childcare as I am their mother not a babysitter.

Genuine emergency, fine but no one likes being treated like a doormat. It’s about having respect for the other parent as much as anything.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 08/10/2019 08:39

That's kinda how kids are though. They ruin plans

They don't seem to ruin the mum's plans though? She gets a "better offer" when they are with her and she dumps them on OP and her partner.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/10/2019 08:41

Exactly. So there should have already been the expectation that they are with a RP and thus the kids will dictate schedules.

The children are not dictating, their mother is.

I have had DSS’ Mum want to drop SS off a few hours early, whilst DH is working so she can get ready for a night out. You’re assuming everyone is reasonable.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/10/2019 08:42

And I should add it hit the proverbial fan when I said no. With only 30mins notice I wasn’t home. Apparently not allowed to have my own plans...

This is reality for some people!

Sceptre86 · 08/10/2019 08:45

It sounds tbh like he want you to take on the 'mum's role when he is there so he can take a step back and do the lazy dad role. Not saying all dads do this! I have two kids and do not always want to watch kids programmes on the TV. There is nothing wrong with enjoying child free time and I relish that time too except I miss them as they are mine and perhaps your oh struggles to understand that you might not?

I don't think you are doing anything wrong bit should have a conversation with your oh about your expectations of each other.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 09:11

have had DSS’ Mum want to drop SS off a few hours early, whilst DH is working so she can get ready for a night out. You’re assuming everyone is reasonable.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that personally. I would hate to think kids as a shift which starts at 9 and I won't work a minute beforehand because I'm already resentful about being underpaid. I'd love if this was a 2 way thing of course but just like I'd give my friend the evening free to get tarted up rather than taking her kid at 8pm when she's leaving at 830.

myrtleWilson · 08/10/2019 09:14

with 30 minutes notice chilledbee and when you weren't even at home? Sorry but I think that is ridiculous expectation to put on another person.

Mephisto · 08/10/2019 09:15

@ChilledBee why do you think they’re friends? Confused

Also, OP wasn’t even home. Do you really think giving someone 30 minutes notice that they want to bring their DS over several hours early and then throw a tantrum when told no is reasonable? Confused

hsegfiugseskufh · 08/10/2019 09:16

but just like I'd give my friend the evening free to get tarted up rather than taking her kid at 8pm when she's leaving at 830

well, yeah i'd do it for my friend, because I like my friends, and they would reciprocate.

Dps ex is not my friend, and wouldn't reciprocate and has treated me like shite from day 1 and will continue to - she is not someone I am willing to do favours for.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 09:21

Who threw a tantrum? Isn't a co-parent closer than a friend? I'll always be family to my hubby even if he becomes ex-hubby. We have kids. We are integrated into each other's lives. His sister is my best friend. Our marriage isn't the glue that holds us together. Our shared commitments to parenting and family are our glue as well as our mutual respect and appreciation for each other. Marriage is fragile compared to all that.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 09:22

Maybe I just picked well so don't have those concerns.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/10/2019 09:22

@ChilledBee

My DH was at work. Which is why he had arranged the drop off time as he had. I was out of the house. DH called and asked if I could have SS in 30mins, I said no, I’d struggle to make it home and was in the middle of something I couldn’t just drop.

I have done it on other occassions. But that was not reasonable. Sometimes we have had no notice at all.

I do not expect my DH to come home from work for my DS so I can stick my false lashes on early, nevermind anyone else. If I know I need DH to come early I discuss it with him. I don’t demand it.

Yes give and take is great, but it can sometimes just be take!

FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/10/2019 09:23

It wasn’t half an hour early! I was nearer 4 hours and the middle of the afternoon (I did question what on earth she needed that length of time for...)

FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/10/2019 09:24

That was an example anyway. Great to know for future reference we have a babysitter in chillibee who will never be out the house, never have any plans and always graciously accept our kids!

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 09:25

If DH knew I had a night out, he'd think nothing of getting off early (he can do that with more ease than I could at work) to look after kiddos and give me more time to look amazing. I wouldn't expect it but he would ask if I needed him a bit earlier. He knows I'm a better wife and mum when I lead a balanced life and vice versa.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 09:26

We aren't friends.... why would I have your kids?! That's a bit weird.

Macake · 08/10/2019 09:26

If I split up with my DH and he met someone else I’d expect him to parent our child. The kids are there to have contact with their dad. I’d expect SM to be kind and welcoming as I would expect anyone to be kind to any child but ultimately he’s thier dad. Bedtimes, feeding, hair brushing, making packed lunches, these are his jobs as a parent, he doesn’t get to fob it off on anyone else, it’s trying to push you into doing more wifework for him. I’d be furious if my Ex got SM to do this, If women can cope men can too.

On the cancelling plans thing, I think you just have to go with it of she also reciprocates. I think tbh the kids would be a bit hurt if you put dinner ahead of them, esp if they mainly live with their mum. My DH and I have been married for a while before kids so we could reschedule plans easily cos we spent so much time together. I’d just suck that up.

myrtleWilson · 08/10/2019 09:26

Ah Fun - you're onto a loser here... chilledbee and her delightful husband are clearly practically perfect in every way.

myrtleWilson · 08/10/2019 09:28

Macake - they have 50/50 care and according to the OP the last minute impinging happens reasonably often...

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 09:28

Hmm we do have a very good relationship now but we worked to get there. Use advanced search if you want details. I do think people choose partners who have shown their values way before marriage and kids and they still choose to commit to those things with them. Then they spend the rest of the time trying to get them to be different. It's sad.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 08/10/2019 09:29

Isn't a co-parent closer than a friend? I'll always be family to my hubby even if he becomes ex-hubby

I actually don't have a bad relationship with DHs ex despite this thread. I don't think she's awful just sometimes she does things I don't agree with as I may do vice versa. But all in all we get on well.

However, I think this is very easy to say when you aren't actually divorced and co parenting with an ex. What if your 'hubby' cheated on you and ran off with and OW? Would you consider him closer than a friend then? There's lots of reasons why marriages break up and a lot of them can be pretty devastating. Having children with someone doesn't always make the hurt they caused disappear.

I know from my own parents who cannot stand each other! They were once in love, thought nothing could ever change the 'mutual respect and consideration' they had for each other until something did.

OP posts:
FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/10/2019 09:29

If DH knew I had a night out, he'd think nothing of getting off early (he can do that with more ease than I could at work)

It was unfortunate that on that particular day DH’s crystal ball was broken.

I’m glad yours is better maintained.

Mephisto · 08/10/2019 09:33

@ChilledBee

Maybe I just picked well so don't have those concerns

Don’t be so smug, karma may just bite you on the arse.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 08/10/2019 09:33

I think tbh the kids would be a bit hurt if you put dinner ahead of them

The kids shouldn't even be told they may be going to daddy's until it's been checked that it's okay for him to have them at short notice in my opinion.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 08/10/2019 09:34

Isn't a co-parent closer than a friend?

ahahahahahhaha ahahahahhaah ….

oh, you weren't joking?

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