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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to be some sort of 3rd parent to step children

427 replies

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 07/10/2019 11:37

Please bear with me it may be a bit long...

A few weekends ago me and DH had an argument. We were supposed to be going for a meal on one of our days without DSC when his ex asked him to have the kids at the last minute. I was annoyed because it's not the first time this has happened and we're expected to cancel what we're doing. In the end we had a massive argument about it because he said it was like I didn't want the children here or something (which is untrue my annoyance was purely at the fact we are just expected to up and cancel whenever). Anyway we got over it, the kids came round, we cancelled our plans and moved on.

Anyway, since then H has said he doesn't feel like I'm 'involved' enough. The examples he gave were that I never put the children to bed (they are both nearly 10), sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something.

I think this is really unfair. The way he was talking was as if I'm supposed to be an actual parent when they are here and it's just not what I want to do. I do a lot for them, I take them to school sometimes, make their packed lunches, watch them if H or ex can't get anyone etc...

But is it really such a big deal that I don't want to spend the entirety of contact time sat downstairs watching children's TV or videogames? Why can't I take myself off to read a book for goodness sake?

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm not their mum and that isn't an insult. I'm not insulting his children because I don't want to spend 24/7 with them when they are with us (50/50).

We get on perfectly well the children and I. Have a laugh, they are comfortable in my presence etc...

He's now made me feel like I'm some sort of wicked step mother for not wanting to them to come round that night when it's not the point I was trying to make at all. He thinks because to him, seeing his kids is better than a meal out anyway that I should just happily agree otherwise I clearly don't like them.

AIBU to not want to be a third parent? AIBU to want to be able to enjoy our time without children without feeling guilty? AIBU to not spend every waking minute in the same room as his kids when they stay with us?

OP posts:
swingofthings · 07/10/2019 16:33

You are not unreasonable at all and good for you for standing to your position. I think it is very common that men who separate from the mother of their kids expect their new partner to pick up on that level so that they can reproduce the family life they are craving that they fail with their kids' mum.

Sadly, I think many women get caught into it, see it as them being good family men, so good partners to have and who want to impress once they are in love by showing that indeed, they can be that perfect family partner where the ex fail, that is until they bag their man and suddenly doing all the things for the kids comes with no reward and they start to rebel, leaving the men all confused as to why they are not the woman they first dated any longer.

Good on you to stand up to your position and making it clear that however much you enjoy his children, you are never going to reproduced when he failed to do with his wife and he needs to accept that. His new family operates on a different mechanism that can be very rewarding too, but he has given up sharing the role of parents to his kids when he separated. He is now the sole parent in the new family, until/if you have children together.

summersherewishiwasnt · 07/10/2019 16:37

Sounds to me like he wants you to do more and him to do less.

Butterymuffin · 07/10/2019 17:23

As a pp said, if you were a stepdad doing all this you would be regarded as an out and out hero, and no one would question your desire to have a bit of time alone in a different room to the kids doing some reading or other hobby.

He seems to think that you should have less time for yourself than he does, because you are expected to be present during all his kid time, but I bet it doesn't work the other way around. What if you insisted he was present the whole time you were making their lunches, doing their washing, taking them to school? (Or, gasp, said he should be doing more of it?)

AngelsSins · 07/10/2019 17:25

Yeah he just wants you to play mum so that he can lay back and do the minimal amount. Don’t do it, he’s their parent, it’s his job.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 07/10/2019 17:27

I agree with everyone else who said it sounds like he wants you to step up and make his life even easier, but I have to add this : children's TV is really not conducive to reading a book. It's usually sudden noises, clips of music, lots of different voices... Exactly the stuff that evolution has trained or brains to pay attention to. The very idea that you could properly get into a book! 😂

Mephisto · 07/10/2019 17:35

Just as you’ve crept into doing 95% of washing no cooking, you will creep into taking the mental load for the children like entertaining them and staying in the living room with them while he does other things. Nip it in the bud now. I would also have a separate savings account.

Mephisto · 07/10/2019 17:35

washing and cooking

Mephisto · 07/10/2019 17:36

I think he wants support, he wants to feel you're co parenting with him

Why does he need support when sat in the living room with his sons watching cartoons? Confused

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 07/10/2019 17:39

YANBU op I'm a single parent too three DD's and I quite often leave my DD11 to her own devices downstairs and go to my room to read a book, watch a film etc after the other two girls have gone too bed as they are much younger, we have family night's often too, works for us lovely and they are my children, and my DD11 also takes herself to bed when I tell her it's time for bed but I do still go in her room to say goodnight and knock her tele off or take her book off her,
As for being abit put out because your plans get cancelled I can fully understand I like to plan everything days advance so I know where and what I got to be doing as I have three of them with very different interests and when something comes unexpectedly eg one of them is bard my whole days planning goes out the window and I'm winging it trying to fit it all around the DC who is ill and yes it bothers me but it's just something that comes from being responsible for DC like your DH is, so again no none of your op sounds unreasonable

Beamur · 07/10/2019 17:44

I"m a SM and have child of my own.
I don't even stay in the same room as my own child when she's watching TV.. unless it's something I want to watch!

diddl · 07/10/2019 17:50

Well if he doesn't want you to go upstairs to read, then imo he needs to be switching the telly off & doing something quietly with the kids-drawing, colouring-or everyone reading!

coconutpie · 07/10/2019 17:57

YANBU and I think you sound like a really lovely step mum.

I am curious as to why you say the DC get landed on you when you have made plans ... is the DC's mum aware of your plans? You said it's always the rare occasion you make plans so it might be that she's deliberately doing this? I might be totally wrong. What reasons does she give for saying she needs the DC to stay with you?

Isitnearlyweekend · 07/10/2019 17:57

@QueenofmyPrinces I think you’ve read a different thread to me. I didn’t read that she was disinterested in the kids or treated them with distain. I’m a step mother to a 26 year old and have been in his life since he was two when I married his father. It’s an extremely difficult role and I think @PleasedToMeetYouSir is doing a great job.

You seem very judgmental about her situation. I have a son of my own but don’t always want to sit in the same room as him.

Lollypop701 · 07/10/2019 18:20

Tbh op you sound pretty level headed and in the main you are happy with dh. He is bu about the dc.... you obviously love them and have a good relationship but you are not a parent. Even if you were what you are doing sounds like a normal household, I certainly don’t sit in a room with my dc all the time. You have a dh/ex problem.... you have the dc 50/50 so he needs to stop feelings guilty. His ex is manipulating him so she can do whatever SHE wants to do at a given point , the kids are loosing time with her and she doesn’t feel guilty, the kids are with a parent so they’re happy (but would be happy with mum too) dad doesn’t feel guilty as kids AND ex are happy. What about you.... by taking kids he is putting his ex and her feelings/wants first. He needs to understand this, it’s actually not about the kids. He needs to choose you first sometimes (emergency etc aside) . I have kids... I make time to put my dh first sometimes because if I don’t our relationship will fail.

GADA9215 · 07/10/2019 18:25

Imo you have done nothing wrong. Quite often in the evenings once everything’s sorted and cleaned up I bugger off up to the bedroom to read or chill when OH is downstairs with my own DC before putting them up to bed.

I think you are right to be annoyed at the meal. It’s horrible when you’re looking forward to something and it changes.

How is he with their mother? Does he let her walk all over him and you?

Rainonmyguitar · 07/10/2019 20:33

sometimes I'll come upstairs and do something in the bedroom whilst they are downstairs (read a book, lie down) and he doesn't see why I can't do this in the same room, it's like I want to get away or something

I do this sometimes when my DSC are with us, DP has never commented on it. I sometimes do it to give DP and the kids time on their own with him, I would hate for them to think back on their time with us and say they could never get any 1-1 time with their father. Sometimes I just use the time to get some me time, go for a bath or watch some Netflix upstairs. I get on great with the kids, it's never been an issue.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 07/10/2019 20:54

As you have them fifty fifty I think he wants support, he wants to feel you're co parenting with him

I had never considered this but think it is true of many men who have a new partner and children.

It’s certainly true of my DH. I remember saying to him that I was not DSS’ mum and am not obliged to do things for him/with him. It is a choice and sometimes I can say no. (This stemmed from him deciding DSS should have a birthday party and then trying to hand all the organising etc to me).

OP you are doing a great job and sound very balanced and fair. I hope your DP realises how lucky he is.

To the pp who’s family do bedtime, never has any of DSS’ family done his bedtime and neither have I. In laws have never changed my sons nappy or done any bedtime, my own family have change the odd nappy. Some families have different dynamics.

Lellikelly26 · 07/10/2019 21:23

YANBU I sometimes sit in my room and read etc at the weekend, my daughter is downstairs. I just need a rest sometimes. You have to be able to behave as you normally would or it’s not going to work for you.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t get much sympathy on here though, lots of people who’ve never been a step parent with unrealistic expectations

Taswama · 07/10/2019 22:10

It sounds like you have a good balance to me OP .

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 08/10/2019 07:01

YANBU OP
As long as you ‘like’ his children and they like you, and you’re appropriately behaved with them (sounds like you are) then you’re doing fine as a SP.
I’ve read numerous threads from mums who feel SP’s are ‘too’ involved and ‘treading on their toes’ so I think understanding that you’re not in fact a third parent is a good thing.

If DH and I ever split I’d rather he dated someone who understood their place in our family than tried to take over!

I do think though that (mainly men) often sell their kids to a new partner as ‘additional’ and put an emphasis on the ‘relationship’ being almost separate, romantic, fun...etc but then once they’re established expect the new partner to step into their ex wives shoes and take over essentially managing/ caring for children in a similar way.
Obviously not all men but I’ve had a few friends this has happened to and it’s been a case of ‘hang on a second- I’m not your exw and I’m not their mother!’

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 07:15

It's not healthy to do it all the time though (in non emergencies/genuine stuck situations) in my opinion. I wouldn't even mind so much if it was a 'can you?' 'no sorry we have plans' 'no worries then' sort of conversation but it usually comes with a lot of guilt tripping which he eventually ends up giving in to.*

That's kinda how kids are though. They ruin plans. I think this is the difference between a RP and NRP. If I was a single RP, any man I started seeing would sort of have to be up for that level of parenting so we a totally get time together. We have 3 kids under 4. Hubby and I have to teamwork at bedtime so we have an hour or two to ourselves.

A NRP isn't like a FT parent. The kids are scheduled in like meetings and you can plan around them. It's when a RP presents as an NRP and you think parenting will be a part time job with a set shift pattern when in fact, it's sort of as and when like RP parenting is.

differentnameforthis · 08/10/2019 07:27

What reasons are you given for having to have the children?

Does the ex know you have made plans on specific days?

Rainonmyguitar · 08/10/2019 08:09

That's kinda how kids are though. They ruin plans. I think this is the difference between a RP and NRP

A NRP isn't like a FT parent. The kids are scheduled in like meetings and you can plan around them. It's when a RP presents as an NRP and you think parenting will be a part time job with a set shift pattern when in fact, it's sort of as and when like RP parenting is

OPs DH has 50/50 care though.

ChilledBee · 08/10/2019 08:11

Exactly. So there should have already been the expectation that they are with a RP and thus the kids will dictate schedules.

Original poster
PleasedToMeetYouSir · 08/10/2019 08:25

I get kids ruin plans sometimes and as I've said over and over, if it was a genuine emergency or a one off I'd not have a problem. What I don't think is healthy is backing down to the other parent whenever they want.

OP posts:
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