AIBU for not lending a friend money?

[beautifulstranger101]

Hello everyone, I am new to mumsnet but I have a dilemma I would like some opinions on as I really dont know what to do. Ok, so a good friend of mine has asked to borrow money from me to leave her husband. He is a raging alcoholic and verbally abusive. The problem is this: in the last two months this friend has booked an expensive trip to Kenya (she's going with friends), she's spent at least £1500 on fillers, hair extensions, nail extensions, and designer bags (i know this because she's told me). Now, I get it. I get that its her money and she can spend it on whatever she likes and she probably needs the self esteem boost because her H is so nasty. But then, why is she telling me she's poor and can't afford to leave her horrible h? and why is she asking me for money? Normally, I would never judge a friend's spending habits (my usual philosophy is: their money, their business) but this really gets my goat. I want to help her and I feel horribly guilty for saying no, but why doesn't she save some of this money if she's so desperate to leave him? My friend is a truly lovely person and I don't know what to do. AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? (btw- I'm not rich. I do have some savings but I also dont have a pension so any money I do save is going towards my retirement in the future and for my kids university fees etc)

As pp have already said. Do NOT give her any money. Your savings are for your pension. You won’t get the money back as she’ll be spending on her new life alone. You are feeling guilty because you are very kind hearted but I suspect she knows this. That she has flaunted her extravagances should ring alarm bells as to her spendthrift ways. I think you need to be cruel to be kind. If she’s desperate to leave her partner then she wouldn’t be spending her money on trivia. She clearly wants to lean on someone else to fund her next move. Don’t be used. She’ll find every excuse under the sun to not pay you back.
Look after yourself .

PS ... do you actually know that he is verbally abusive and a drunk or is this an exaggeration from her point of view?

I have someone in my life who has tried several times to borrow money of me and when pushed I’ve explained that it’s tied up in an ISA (not true for all of it but it’s a good excuse). If she pushes I would agree that yes you do have some money, but it’s invested for the future and you can’t access it.

I would, once the fact you can’t lend her anything has blown over, have a separate conversation with her about her spending. I think she may need help seeing the difference between short term satisfaction and long term gains. But separate the two conversations so it doesn’t sound like ‘no I will not lend you money because you spend too much.’

Basically she doesn't want to use her own money to leave.

She'd rather use somebody else's.

Her money is for fun stuff, why on earth would she waste it on rent.

Don't give her a penny.

Tell her you know a couple of people who have loaned money to friends and it ruined the friendship and you don’t want that to happen with her.

Please do not lend her money, you will resent her if she does not pay it back.

I'd tell her you can't lend it and leave it at that. I wouldn't say anything about her spending habits, that would seem judgmental and may put her off and you say she's a lovely person. So just say sorry I can't afford it but I'm here to listen and be a friend.

I have read all of your messages. Thank you for your input everyone. I am not giving her any money. Sometimes I doubt myself so it is good to know I'm not being heartless. I'm going to give her the telephone numbers of Citizens advice/ women shelters/ relate etc. Then if she really IS serious about leaving him, she'll take action. If she doesnt, then I dont think I have a choice but to assume she will never leave him and its all just hot air. When she says "I have no money", what she really means is: "I have no money to leave him AND continue in the lifestyle that I want". Thats not my responsibility. It's hers.

Please do not lend her money, you will resent her if she does not pay it back

Or, more likely, Please do not lend her money, you will resent her if when she does not pay it back and continues to spend on trivialities like holidays, beauty treatments and handbags.

Because people like that rarely change. Notice how they always want money 'for the gas bill' or 'to feed DC' or 'to leave abusive husband'. And can somehow never see that if they didn't spend on luxuries, they would be able to pay for their own essentials.