AIBU for not lending a friend money?

[beautifulstranger101]

Hello everyone, I am new to mumsnet but I have a dilemma I would like some opinions on as I really dont know what to do. Ok, so a good friend of mine has asked to borrow money from me to leave her husband. He is a raging alcoholic and verbally abusive. The problem is this: in the last two months this friend has booked an expensive trip to Kenya (she's going with friends), she's spent at least £1500 on fillers, hair extensions, nail extensions, and designer bags (i know this because she's told me). Now, I get it. I get that its her money and she can spend it on whatever she likes and she probably needs the self esteem boost because her H is so nasty. But then, why is she telling me she's poor and can't afford to leave her horrible h? and why is she asking me for money? Normally, I would never judge a friend's spending habits (my usual philosophy is: their money, their business) but this really gets my goat. I want to help her and I feel horribly guilty for saying no, but why doesn't she save some of this money if she's so desperate to leave him? My friend is a truly lovely person and I don't know what to do. AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? (btw- I'm not rich. I do have some savings but I also dont have a pension so any money I do save is going towards my retirement in the future and for my kids university fees etc)

Don’t give her any excuses. Just say you haven’t got the money

I struggle to know how to tell her that she could have that money if she hadn't spent so much lately though.

You don't. You just tell her you do not have any money to lend. Just like that. 'Sorry, but I don't have money to lend.' And 'buts' she might have, or pointing out that she thinks you do is pure cheeky fuckery and you reply with, 'I have already told you I do not have money to lend. I don't.'

I did suggest she refund the kenya trip and she said she'd think about it

All you need to say is No, I can't lend you the money, and I would refuse to have any further discussion about it. If she has a tantrum, she's not your friend in the first place.

Not a chance I'd give her a penny under the circumstances. If she asks again you really should say that if she doesn't go to Kenya she'll probably have a good chunk of money to leave him. Even if she loses a deposit/flight costs now, she'll still have the money she'd planned as spending money to put towards her exit plan. Tell her you cannot afford to lend her money, no further explanation required. Give her a list of numbers for Women's Aid etc and suggest she contacts them for advice on how to make the break.

Tell her you don't have the money to lend. She's less likely to keep asking. If you make her feel like you're judging her & that you just don't want to, a) she knows you have it to lend, & will probably keep asking, & b) you're more likely to fall out with her over it.

Guys- so would you just tell her no, I can't give you the money and leave it at that.

Yep! No gently pointing out, it's none of your business, the only thing that is your business is your own money, which you need to keep for your kids. No friend is ever worth compromising a penny when it comes to your kids.

How does she know you have savings?
Tbh you are very foolish if you have told her you have money in the bank!
I wouldn't tell my friends as I know it doesn't bring out the best in people and ruins friendships.
Do not give her any.

You just say no. You don't have to point out that if she didn't spend the money on fancy trips and handbags she would have it in her account, because unless she is really, really stupid, that will be obvious to her.

@timshelthechoice you are right. sigh Its really not my business what she spends on. It just baffles me that she can't see the connection between= spending frivolously and then having no money. She definitely won't hassle me if I say no, she's not that type. I suppose it just goes against my natural inclination to feel that we should help each other out in a crisis. But then, is it really a crisis if she's getting hair extensions? etc

Suggest she downloads the ebay app and sells her stuff.
Offer to help set up a savings /escape plan with the new funds.
Do not part with any cash.

@Spied I have never discussed money with her, but she knows I inherited a bit from losing both my parents young

Just say you can't do it, all your money tied up in pension fund. True.
The advice about spending is another conversation, only if she wants advice. Refer to Martin Lewis website

Just say you can't lend her the money. Don't mention her frivolous spending - unless she asks for financial advice / suggestions on how to come up with the money.

Never a borrower or a lender be, in any circumstances.

Just say you are unable to lend any money. Do not apologise, say sorry, offer up an explanation why.
Your friend is an ultimate cf and they thrive on people’s embarrassment at saying no

Don’t lend her any money. You will not see it again. Just say no, sorry I’m not in the position to lend you money.
If she was that desperate she wouldn’t have booked an expensive holiday.
She may be getting her nails hair etc done to make her feel better about her marriage being crap. At some point she will have to stop and start saving. That’s when friends will be needed to help support her if she feels old and ugly or whatever once she can’t afford treatments.

My friend is a truly lovely person and I don't know what to do

She doesn't sound it, frankly.

I would not raise the subject of her frivolous spending unless push really came to shove. Just say you can't afford it.

Telling her you haven't got the money/can't afford it IS an excuse, though!

Never apologise, never explain. It's your money and you decide what you do with it, just as she decides about hers. Don't lecture her; I'm sure she's capable of adding up what she's frittered away.

Why not just give her a firm, "No, that won't be happening," and repeat if need be. Don't be drawn in or submit to questioning on this. If she asks why not, you could offer to go house- hunting with her or help pack for the move - practical things - to show support.

She seems to have lost her way, understandably, but whether she'll leave her husband is a moot point. The reckless spending may even be self-sabotage so she has to stay.

I would simply be sorry I don’t have the money to lend as others have said.

If she really wants to leave she will find a way... I left my abisive ex with nothing but a suitcase of clothes. She actually doesn’t need £5,000. .

I wouldn’t even try to support her finding the money close down the conversation

Just say you have no money available if she's aware you have funds, that it's all tied up and you have no access.
Think it's very cheeky of her to ask and agree with the others you won't see a penny of it back. X

She knows about your inheritance and therefore feels she can splash out and ask you for a top up. That's actually not very nice so please do say NO.
Unless you want to throwaway £5,000 of course

@Elieza I think this is it. I think her spending is out of control as its the only way she can feel better about herself. Her H is a real piece of work and calls her the most horrible names. He is truly vile. I think the buying stuff is a way for her to nurture herself and give her a temporary good feeling. I get it. But she cannot keep spending at this rate and crying poor.

Keep it simple. I don't have the money to lend you. This is true. The bit of money you have saved is for your /dc rainy day. Not hers.
How would you feel if you have it to her then list your job?

@NearlyGranny holy crap- I never even considered this- she's been saying she is going to leave him for years! you could be right, it might be self sabotage. Its a scary thing to leave everything behind