Page 4 | AIBU for not lending a friend money?

beautifulstranger101 · 2019-10-06T18:22:46+00:00

Hello everyone, I am new to mumsnet but I have a dilemma I would like some opinions on as I really dont know what to do. Ok, so a good friend of mine has asked to borrow money from me to leave her husband. He is a raging alcoholic and verbally abusive. The problem is this: in the last two months this friend has booked an expensive trip to Kenya (she's going with friends), she's spent at least £1500 on fillers, hair extensions, nail extensions, and designer bags (i know this because she's told me). Now, I get it. I get that its her money and she can spend it on whatever she likes and she probably needs the self esteem boost because her H is so nasty. But then, why is she telling me she's poor and can't afford to leave her horrible h? and why is she asking me for money? Normally, I would never judge a friend's spending habits (my usual philosophy is: their money, their business) but this really gets my goat. I want to help her and I feel horribly guilty for saying no, but why doesn't she save some of this money if she's so desperate to leave him? My friend is a truly lovely person and I don't know what to do. AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? (btw- I'm not rich. I do have some savings but I also dont have a pension so any money I do save is going towards my retirement in the future and for my kids university fees etc)

Wonkybanana · 06/10/2019 20:34

OP remember, you have the money - but you don't have the money to lend to her. There's a difference. You need it for yourself and for your DCs. When was the last time you had extensions/false nails/a trip to Kenya???

Just say no, you don't have any money to lend. I hope you're right when you say that she won't push it after that.

Boysey45 · 06/10/2019 20:35

Don't lend her the money you'll not get it back. Also don't ever discuss your financial affairs with anyone,its non of your friends business.
I'd support her with leaving him emotionally and practically and point her in the right direction of support agencies.

Cherrysoup · 06/10/2019 20:37

Bet she doesn’t move out.

LordNibbler · 06/10/2019 20:37

There's no reason why she can't get a loan from the bank if she's working full time.
I know one thing for sure though, lending friends money can breed a lot of resentment on both sides and friendships are often lost because of it.
You already feel uneasy and uncomfortable that she's asked you, and that's without even lending her a penny. I think that says it all.

Queenoftheashes · 06/10/2019 20:37

Ok 5k is ridiculous. I’d just say I can’t lend that much and offer her somewhere to stay if possible

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/10/2019 20:38

He might get drunk and bad mouth her but clearly he isn’t that controlling if she holidays all the time with her mates (not you?!!) and spends all the money she earns on extensions, nails and fillers!

Italiangreyhound · 06/10/2019 20:39

Don't lend the money but encourage her to speak to someone at women's aid and to look for her exit.

Perunatop · 06/10/2019 20:40

Just say no, if she was so desperate to leave her DH she should have saved the holiday money for that. Reality is she is probably not going to leave her DH and you would be funding a spending spree on holiday or otherwise.

monkeymonkey2010 · 06/10/2019 20:40

in the last two months this friend has booked an expensive trip to Kenya (she's going with friends), she's spent at least £1500 on fillers, hair extensions, nail extensions, and designer bags (i know this because she's told me)
It just baffles me that she can't see the connection between= spending frivolously and then having no money
I think her spending is out of control as its the only way she can feel better about herself
It sounds like she has a shopping addiction.
Any money you give her WILL be spent on her addiction.

she knows I inherited a bit from losing both my parents young
Ha! So now she feels entitled to YOUR money as well!

I don't know how to say it without sounding like a total b!tch
How about - "Maybe you should consider selling your designer gear and everything else you don't need to raise the funds?"

If she truly wanted to leave her husband she can easily afford it.

I doubt she's telling you the truth about wanting to leave him, more like she just wants more money to spend on making herself feel better.

Give her the number for Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 and tell her she can call them for advice on how to leave her abusive husband.

Lysianthus · 06/10/2019 20:42

I don't think you should lend her any money - but neither do I think you should point out how she might have squandered cash on fillers/bags/crap! Best to say - sorry, not a good time for me at the moment, wish I could help but I can't. If she's a good friend she'll understand, and if she doesn't understand then she's probably not such a good friend after all. Good luck, I know it's hard to say no!

SunshineAngel · 06/10/2019 20:42

Take it from someone who knows - DON'T lend her this money.

I once lent a lot of money to a close friend (11k, if you must know) because his situation was absolutely atrocious for various reasons - mostly not his fault at all. He was going to lose his house, had already lost his car, he's married with two young children.. he was crying to me saying he didn't know what he was going to do. He didn't even ask me, I offered. He was paying more in interest than anything else at this point, so I said right, I lend you 11k, you pay EVERYTHING off, then you're £900 a month better off than you are now. Give me £500 a month, that still leaves you £400 a month better off than currently, plus without the stress of being in debt.

He was so so grateful to me, and I even said wait until after Christmas to start paying me back (it was September at that point).

So the time came, and he couldn't afford £500 a month. I have no idea why not, as he was paying out much much more than that monthly before. So I said okay, what can you afford? He said £300. I said okay (what could I do?)

Anyway - excuse, excuse, excuse.. A YEAR later and I've still seen nothing.

By this time I'd got with a new partner, and I had to tell him about it, as I didn't want secrets between us. He absolutely went ballistic and phoned the guy saying there's no way he couldn't afford to pay me anything at all. So he started £50 a month. Bear in mind he borrowed 11k (and I am not charging him interest!) so it would take him 18 years to pay it off. Plus, £50 a month back feels like nothing anyway.

However AT LEAST he was paying now.

A few months down the line and we wanted to book a holiday - and couldn't afford it - and my partner went mad again, saying I'd still have savings if it wasn't for this guy. And it's true. If he'd paid me what he agreed, when he agreed it, it'd be almost paid off by this point.

This time he upped to £50, and that's where we are now. A long, long time later - 3 years last month since I lent it to him. Thousands still to go.

Don't do it. I was an idiot. Don't fall into the same trap.

SunshineAngel · 06/10/2019 20:43

Take it from someone who knows - DON'T lend her this money.

I once lent a lot of money to a close friend (11k, if you must know) because his situation was absolutely atrocious for various reasons - mostly not his fault at all. He was going to lose his house, had already lost his car, he's married with two young children.. he was crying to me saying he didn't know what he was going to do. He didn't even ask me, I offered. He was paying more in interest than anything else at this point, so I said right, I lend you 11k, you pay EVERYTHING off, then you're £900 a month better off than you are now. Give me £500 a month, that still leaves you £400 a month better off than currently, plus without the stress of being in debt.

He was so so grateful to me, and I even said wait until after Christmas to start paying me back (it was September at that point).

So the time came, and he couldn't afford £500 a month. I have no idea why not, as he was paying out much much more than that monthly before. So I said okay, what can you afford? He said £300. I said okay (what could I do?)

Anyway - excuse, excuse, excuse.. A YEAR later and I've still seen nothing.

By this time I'd got with a new partner, and I had to tell him about it, as I didn't want secrets between us. He absolutely went ballistic and phoned the guy saying there's no way he couldn't afford to pay me anything at all. So he started £50 a month. Bear in mind he borrowed 11k (and I am not charging him interest!) so it would take him 18 years to pay it off. Plus, £50 a month back feels like nothing anyway.

However AT LEAST he was paying now.

A few months down the line and we wanted to book a holiday - and couldn't afford it - and my partner went mad again, saying I'd still have savings if it wasn't for this guy. And it's true. If he'd paid me what he agreed, when he agreed it, it'd be almost paid off by this point.

This time he upped to £50 a week, and that's where we are now. A long, long time later - 3 years last month since I lent it to him. Thousands still to go.

Don't do it. I was an idiot. Don't fall into the same trap.

pollyglot · 06/10/2019 20:47

If she had the money for the trip, why didn't she just tell him she was going to Kenya, then use that cash for deposit for a flat of her own?

MatildaTheCat · 06/10/2019 20:49

No to financial help. Yes to moral support and advice with budgeting.

Queenoftheashes · 06/10/2019 20:49

@SunshineAngel what a dick! I assume you aren’t actually friends anymore?

SunshineAngel · 06/10/2019 20:51

@Queenoftheashes We don't talk anymore, but have to see each other due to mutual friendship group! He is a dick, but then again so am I - I should never EVER have done it.

Babysharkisanearworm · 06/10/2019 20:53

You can say no. No explanation beyond the fact that you to not lend or borrow to or from , friends.. however, if she is serious about leaving him you will help her do her budget to find where she can save money herself without putting herself into difficulties or debt which would cause additional stress at an already stressful time.

Ontheboardwalk · 06/10/2019 20:55

I lent a good friend (or so I thought) £2k to get her set up to leave her partner. We agreed £100 a month to pay it back once she’d got a place to escape to.

A week later she’d changed her mind and they celebrated by spending the £2k on a holiday to celebrate. Not one word of her starting the repayments. I mentioned it a couple of times to be told they were skint

I couldn’t really afford to right off the money but couldn’t be doing with the drama. I sent mail saying next time you need help contact women’s aid not me.

I would not lend her the money if I was in your position

Original poster

beautifulstranger101 · 06/10/2019 20:56

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre she seems to think this would be the cost of a deposit for renting a house for her and the kids, so they can get away from the h. I haven't rented for years so no idea if this figure is realistic or not.

OP posts:

Ontheboardwalk · 06/10/2019 20:56

*write not right!

Fweakout · 06/10/2019 20:58

If it helps you feel strong/ not guilty, you can view it that you are helping her more by NOT giving the money.

She's using spending in an addictive way to numb the pain of her life (you suspect). Helping her is giving her support to change, not more money.

Claphands · 06/10/2019 21:02

SunshineAngel, you’re not the idiot, your friend is!

In my experience, those who go on about being poor aren’t and those who are need don’t talk about it.

mnthrowaway2099 · 06/10/2019 21:04

£5000 is too much! I would only ’lend’ an amount that I could afford to lose, £5000 is out of my price range unfortunately. In fact if she didn’t pay me back, I would take her to court over that as it isn’t an amount that most people would just write off.

Original poster

beautifulstranger101 · 06/10/2019 21:05

@sunshineangel that is just AWFUL, what a horrible experience to have after you were so generous. It blows my mind that so called "friends" can behave so terribly

@Ontheboardwalk This is my fear- I'll lend her the cash and instead of leaving him, she'll fritter it away with the excuse of "I couldn't leave him- I can't do it to the kids" etc and our friendship would not survive that because I would be livid if she did that

@monkeymonkey2010- thank you. I will give her the number

OP posts:

saraclara · 06/10/2019 21:05

Security deposits will be capped at five weeks’ rent where the annual rent is less than £50,000 and six weeks’ rent where the annual rent is £50,000 or more; (from June 2019)

Says. www.tenancydepositscheme.com/depositcap

Even if she also has to pay a months rent at the same time, is she really needing a house that costs £2500 a month?