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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not lending a friend money?

134 replies

beautifulstranger101 · 06/10/2019 19:22

Hello everyone, I am new to mumsnet but I have a dilemma I would like some opinions on as I really dont know what to do. Ok, so a good friend of mine has asked to borrow money from me to leave her husband. He is a raging alcoholic and verbally abusive. The problem is this: in the last two months this friend has booked an expensive trip to Kenya (she's going with friends), she's spent at least £1500 on fillers, hair extensions, nail extensions, and designer bags (i know this because she's told me). Now, I get it. I get that its her money and she can spend it on whatever she likes and she probably needs the self esteem boost because her H is so nasty. But then, why is she telling me she's poor and can't afford to leave her horrible h? and why is she asking me for money? Normally, I would never judge a friend's spending habits (my usual philosophy is: their money, their business) but this really gets my goat. I want to help her and I feel horribly guilty for saying no, but why doesn't she save some of this money if she's so desperate to leave him? My friend is a truly lovely person and I don't know what to do. AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? (btw- I'm not rich. I do have some savings but I also dont have a pension so any money I do save is going towards my retirement in the future and for my kids university fees etc)

OP posts:
Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 19:58

You're not unreasonable. She has chosen to spend her money in a particular way which has left her a bit broke but that's not your fault.
£5,000 is a heck of a lot too.

She works and will be able to leave him soon enough if not immediately.

toxic44 · 06/10/2019 19:58

I've lost friends by lending money. First they gush they'll pay you, then they guiltily avoid you then they blame you for asking for repayment of a loan. I just say I'm sorry I haven't any money to lend. End of story.

Loveislandaddict · 06/10/2019 19:58

Do Not Lend Her any Money!

I can’t believe how cheeky she is, spending the money on expensive holidays and beauty procedures, and then asking you for £5000! That’s a lot of money.

If she was desperate, she would cancel the holiday, sell her bags etc.

Just say that you are unable to help her. You don’t have to give her a reason. If for any reason she mentions the inheritance etc, then just say it’s been spent.

You won’t see the money again if you lend it, as she would fritter it away.

Original poster
beautifulstranger101 · 06/10/2019 19:59

@Butchyrestingface I know my OP makes her sound not great but she is a very supportive friend, would be there emotionally for anyone, would drop anything to help anyone out, reaches out when others need it etc. She is a good person, its like this is some kind of weird blind spot for her.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 06/10/2019 19:59

Her H is a real piece of work and calls her the most horrible names...she's been saying she is going to leave him for years!

Have you actually witnessed him do any of these things?

MoodleJam · 06/10/2019 19:59

A "lovely friend" wouldn't have given your pressure to lend you the money you most likely will not see again.

She sounds manipulative. Just say you can't afford to lend her any money. Period.

Original poster
beautifulstranger101 · 06/10/2019 20:01

@Butchyrestingface unfortunately I have- he gets drunk every night. He's a POS.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 06/10/2019 20:03

@Butchyrestingface I know my OP makes her sound not great but she is a very supportive friend, would be there emotionally for anyone, would drop anything to help anyone out, reaches out when others need it etc.

I'm sure a lot of people would "be there emotionally" for someone if they thought they'd a chance of siphoning £5000 off them! I probably sound like a withered old cynic but I think there's at least an outside chance you're being played here.

The proof of the pudding will surely be her reaction when you tell her you can't lend her any (make sure it's ANY) money.

Butchyrestingface · 06/10/2019 20:03

@Butchyrestingface unfortunately I have- he gets drunk every night. He's a POS.

Oh dear. Maybe the self sabotage suggestion is on the money (no pun intended) then.

thesandwich · 06/10/2019 20:04

Sounds like money is her Achilles heel.
You can help her in other ways, finding somewhere to go, getting decent advice etc. Lending will ruin your friendship.

Original poster
beautifulstranger101 · 06/10/2019 20:05

@Butchyrestingface no, you are right to be suspicious. Money has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Just look at what happens when someone dies and the will is read out. The thought of being used makes me feel sick. I hope that's not the case here

OP posts:
TetherEndReached · 06/10/2019 20:10

Don't lend her the money unless you are prepared to lose it; but please don't tell her how you think she should be spending her money. You will come across as condescending, patronising and holier-than-thou.

howrudeforme · 06/10/2019 20:11

Op I have a friend who pleads poverty. Says she’s poor but for years had v expensive gym membership, holidays etc. I was happy to pay for meals out but another friend gave her money - quite a bit. The resentment then builds as she’s helped someone achieve something she couldn’t for herself.

Don’t give money, just support her emotionally.

Drum2018 · 06/10/2019 20:14

If she really wants to leave she will find a way... I left my abisive ex with nothing but a suitcase of clothes. She actually doesn’t need £5,000

Exactly. She doesn't need that much but she wants it so she can maintain her lifestyle, her nails and her hair extensions. But she's not desperate enough to want to leave without those luxuries. Op don't feel one bit bad. If she's a very supportive friend who would help anyone emotionally, then you can be just as wonderful and just offer emotional support to her.

Hecateh · 06/10/2019 20:16

Definitely do not lend her the money.

If your friendship is good enough you could offer to help her save the money. You open a joint account with her and she pays in an agreed amount every week/month with extras when she has it. She clearly has a decent income. The money can only be withdrawn with both signatures.

This way she 'pays you back' before you lend the money. You have helped her prioritise.

If she keeps coming, wanting money out of the fund for other spends then that would be exactly how she would have not prioritised repaying any loan.

gostiwooz · 06/10/2019 20:17

She's going to Kenya with other friends - presumably they aren't exactly short of the last ha'penny if they can afford that, so has she asked them for money or has she just asked you?

eddielizzard · 06/10/2019 20:17

She doesn't view money the same way you do. I'd say, I can't lend you money, but when you are ready to leave I'll help you move / other helpful thing. So she's got your support, but she won't necessarily value your money in the way you do. She clearly thinks nothing of spending thousands, and yours will quickly go. Will she pay it back? If she doesn't, the friendship will be over.

i wouldn't, but I'd offer practical support.

Original poster
beautifulstranger101 · 06/10/2019 20:18

@howrudeforme Exactly this. If she had nothing- no food, no clothes, no car etc I would gladly help. Of course I would. But I find myself feeling really bloody resentful about her request because fillers and hair extensions are not priorities, no matter how bad your self esteem is. My gut feeling is that its more just denial and self sabotage than flat out trying to "con me" but nevertheless, we all have to take responsibility for our financial choices. Every one of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
beautifulstranger101 · 06/10/2019 20:20

@gostiwooz I have no idea if she's asked anyone else for money. Last time I spoke to her she said she was also going to ask her sister for some money to move out. No idea what her sister will say

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 06/10/2019 20:21

You just have to say, "No, sorry I don't have that kind of money."

timshelthechoice · 06/10/2019 20:23

Just stay out of it, and even if she did have nothing, she'd have no way of paying you back. Keep it simple and stick to that. NO more pointing out the holiday or anything else, just I don't have any money to lend and that's that.

Lockheart · 06/10/2019 20:26

Do not lend her the money. Be there for support, let her talk things through with her, help her plan her move and help her move out if she needs it, but don't give her the money.

There is no way you need £5k to leave a relationship. Many women do it with absolutely nothing, and she is already in a much more fortunate position than lots of women fleeing abusive relationships as she works full time and has access to her own money.

WildfirePonie · 06/10/2019 20:28

Tell her you don't have any money to lend and leave it as that. Don't get drawn into it any further.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 06/10/2019 20:28

I struggle to know how to tell her that she could have that money if she hadn't spent so much lately though. I don't know how to say it....

You don't have to say it. You can just tell her you don't have it. She is in denial as much as the alcoholic is. It's why dyes still there putting up with his shit. And there's every chance you will give her £5000 and she still won't leave him. How did she come up with the £5000 figure. It sounds like she plucked a figure from thin air. Have you spoken to her about money. Does she know you have a bit in savings?

Encourage her to go to Al-Anon (it's free!). But to not comment on her spending. Nothing good will come of it. She will get defensive.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 06/10/2019 20:33

I think you’d be completely upfront and reasonable to say that you don’t have that kind of money available. Perhaps she thinks that your inheritance was so substantial that you wouldn’t even notice the loss of 5k.