AIBU for not lending a friend money?

[beautifulstranger101]

Hello everyone, I am new to mumsnet but I have a dilemma I would like some opinions on as I really dont know what to do. Ok, so a good friend of mine has asked to borrow money from me to leave her husband. He is a raging alcoholic and verbally abusive. The problem is this: in the last two months this friend has booked an expensive trip to Kenya (she's going with friends), she's spent at least £1500 on fillers, hair extensions, nail extensions, and designer bags (i know this because she's told me). Now, I get it. I get that its her money and she can spend it on whatever she likes and she probably needs the self esteem boost because her H is so nasty. But then, why is she telling me she's poor and can't afford to leave her horrible h? and why is she asking me for money? Normally, I would never judge a friend's spending habits (my usual philosophy is: their money, their business) but this really gets my goat. I want to help her and I feel horribly guilty for saying no, but why doesn't she save some of this money if she's so desperate to leave him? My friend is a truly lovely person and I don't know what to do. AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? (btw- I'm not rich. I do have some savings but I also dont have a pension so any money I do save is going towards my retirement in the future and for my kids university fees etc)

I have never discussed money with her, but she knows I inherited a bit from losing both my parents young

@beautifulstranger101 ^^ theres your answer.She thinks you are a light touch.
Just say no.No excuses.

@pollyglot I have no idea! there seems to be a weird disconnect there between her spending and yet at the same time, not realising this is why she has no money. I think you are all right, I probably shouldn't mention the spending, I will just say no. Im not going to comment on what she's spent on as it'll just come off as judgey and the "bad guy". I'm just gonna say no, with no explanation. Thanks everyone!

You feel emotional pain OP because your rational mind says "do not lend the money" but please try to imagine the daily pain and sick feeling you would wake up to if In all likelihood you loaned that money and promise after promise slipped and slipped....it could make you mentally ill and make you hugely wary of real friendship. If this woman is forking out for the many luxuries you describe she is not on the breadline at all! Please say you can't loan the money ...it would be all you have leaving you zilch for your own life contingencies. She has to find another way out of her alcoholic marriage via separation and divorce. Don't be a guarantor on her new home either. Be an ear,it's the best you can do OP.

Please don't lend her any money. Just tell her "no, I don't think it's a good idea" and leave it at that.

If you "lend" her money, you will be giving it away. And it doesn't sound as if she really needs it!

she should sell her hand bags jewellery etc & if she has job she has/will have income?

@Tinkobell thank you. You're right. If this was anyone else, I would say the same- DONT DO IT! but its weird isn't it- when its us, how guilt creeps in and you start doubting yourself

Suggest she attends Al Anon too. They offer v good supoort for the families of drinkers, i speak from experience.

I wouldn’t lend the money.

However, her compulsive spending may be linked to poor mental health. There’s nothing to say she actually has the money she’s spending, she could be spending on credit cards.

I would offer help but not financial. Tell her (if you want to help) that if she wanted to sell some items to raise cash that you would list them and look after the money for her for example.

There are also letting agencies that don’t require a deposit anymore. I don’t know much about it but a friend has recently moved and for the first time ever she didn’t have to pay a deposit up front. It’s a new scheme of some sort to help people that don’t have thousands to tie up in rental deposits.

@saraclara yeah, no way could she afford rent that high! I think she wants a 3 bed house/flat for her and her two kids. But I have no idea how she worked out that it required 5k

The guilt felt today would be nothing compared to the sickness of that loss OP. Don't sleep walk into this situation. Her situation is deeply stressful I know. It is very tempting for others to think they can swoop in and rescue, but they cannot. She actually needs professional supoort and guidance. Al Anon or CAB can help her. Her job is invaluable to her at this point in her life. Personally I cannot help but think that it's the DH that ought to Be leaving the home not her.

Normally, I would never judge a friend's spending habits (my usual philosophy is: their money, their business)

I agree with this, and it holds good until they want to borrow money. Because now they're spending your money.

Don't make excuses for saying no, just be honest and say I'm sorry I don't lend money to friends or relatives it just makes things hugely awkward and I value you your friendship and don't want to have that stress between us. I'm happy to help come up with some ideas with you to help you budget if you want a fresh eye to look over areas you can cut to help save for an escape plan though? I'm always here for you as a friend but I don't want money to affect our friendship.

I’ve just put in a random city, Southampton on Rightmove.

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/find.html?searchType=RENT&locationIdentifier=REGION%5E1231&insId=1&radius=0.0&minPrice=&maxPrice=&minBedrooms=3&maxBedrooms=3&displayPropertyType=&maxDaysSinceAdded=&sortByPriceDescending=&_includeLetAgreed=on&primaryDisplayPropertyType=&secondaryDisplayPropertyType=&oldDisplayPropertyType=&oldPrimaryDisplayPropertyType=&letType=&letFurnishType=&houseFlatShare=

Plenty of 3-bed houses for £1000 per month Or less.

(Obviously don’t know where you live)

Anyone that can afford monthly rent of £2500 (which is a nice 4/5 bed detached house in the the southeast) can get a £5000 loan or even overdraft.

She sounds unstable and/or a CF.

@beautifulstranger101

No, doesn’t cost £5k for upfront costs of a small and humble place big enough for her and her dcs. It might if she has high expectations. (You in London?)

You can’t afford her expectations,

This was exactly with this friend. Her idea on being poor was having two trips per year (I had none), a car (in London and so not really needed), I had none. Our friend paid for her to travel to a place to showcase her work (friend sole earner, sole carer for her child and disabled mum). Great time was had but nothing came of it, this friend kept remortgaging to hilt on interest only - she now has nothing. But still takes these risks.

Your friend has high expectations of what a basic life is.

Do not do this. We know you won’t but you now just need to say it.

@FiddlesticksAkimbo EXACTLY! Its none of my business UNTIL you ask me for cash. Then I think I have a right to query why I should give you my hard earned money when you're spending it like water

@howrudeforme I would rather not say my exact location but it IS in one of the more expensive areas of the UK. Not London, but down south and with similar prices

Having said that, I see now that 5k is definitely not needed for the kind of property she wants

A counsellor/ therapist will her a greater, productive and more permanent self-confident than a manicure ever will. Committing to seeking professional help will also be proof that she is actively building a future for herself away from her bully of a partner. No point her getting money from anyone, by any means, if she isn't serious about leaving him - which you mentioned she has been saying for years...

No evidence in her actions thus far that she will actually leave, for good. It's not as easy as simply walking away. She may still have deep feelings that would bring her back to him. She needs her own savings. She needs a safe place to live. She needs to commit and plan and make certain investments to successfully 'leave' him.

You don't mention that she has made any kind of plan, and past actions imply that she is quite fickle in her decision to leave him.

I never lend anyone anything! It always ends in tears!

Am I the only one who raised an eyebrow at getting a designer bag AND fillers and hair extensions for £1500

I would just say that you can't afford it. Always a poor idea to lend money - it almost never comes back. I (stupidly) lent some to a friend of my daughter's recently because I pressurised by both girls - the upshot is that it hasn't and never now will, return.

Definitely say no, but say you'll be there to help with any planning or emotional support.

Bet 5k would cover a family cruise though....
For their 'fresh start'....

It does sound like she has a spending addiction. Much like a gambling addiction she will lie, hide and manipulate to fund it. She is not ready to leave him. If she was ready, she'd be gone. Or she'd get him out. I'm glad you are not going to give her money. All it would do is put a sticking plaster over her problems, temporarily. She'd then either disappear and you wouldn't get a penny back. Or she would keep you close but keep the emotional manipulation going about how much she's struggling so as to stop you from looking for it back.

And you'd be getting more and more angry watching her frivolous spending. She will leave her husband when she's ready. Or she might never leave him. But one way or other, she won't need 5000 to do it.